How to deal with grocery shopping issues?

You know how it is with cell phones. ..you have to charge them for a few hours. Thanks for all of the tips. I will take all of them into consideration. Garden Artist, are you speaking of Mobility? I will check out the site you listed.

Actually I wasn't aware of the Mobility service in Maryland; it's more or less comparable to one of the services locally. Although this service does have a mobility function, it's also the only way some people who don't drive or have someone to take them can get around the area. For older folks w/o cars or family, this kind of service is the only reasonable method of transit.

Mom always wants to go with me and it makes our trips last forever. I understand wanting to get out of the house, but lately I just schedule it when I know she won't feel like going. No matter how far in advance I tell her I'm going and ask for her list, she always manages to say "Oh, shoot! I wish I would have told you to get such and such!" I used to go back for it, but no more. No special trips unless I need something myself. I tell her I'll pick it up next time. When she goes, she always wants things we already have at home, and complains if I tell her I'm not getting more of it. My cabinets are stuffed with things we won't use in a lifetime. I'm still throwing out things that she brought with her and insisted we keep that expired in 2009. She's about to get really upset with me...she doesn't even try to cook anymore after a few mishaps with forgotten pots...I'm about to reclaim my kitchen for my very own! If you hear her screaming from where you are, you'll know what happened...LOL!

Amicable, I understand and have been through the grocery shopping trips that last longer than they would if I were alone. But eventually I realized how liberating this can be for someone who's no longer driving and totally dependent on others to go anyplace.

Just getting out, seeing the vast array of things in the store, and just as importantly, making one's own selections....these things can be restorative. At the age our parents are, how often do they really get to make choices of their own?

Just getting out of the house can be liberating! So now we make it an event, and stop by the Dairy Queen afterward to reward ourselves. Sitting outside, watching the clouds drift by and feeling the hopefully soft breeze makes the day more worthwhile to both of us.

Sure, things are bought that aren't used. Sometimes you can sneak them aside and return them on your next solo trip. Or donate them to one of the post office's food drives, or to a local church's food pantry.

For my mom, when she was in IL, it was a once a week trip to Bed Bath and Beyond. I never bought a single thing myself there because it was a full time job shepherding mom around and getting her checked out. But yes, it was the highlight of her week.

My mom's dementia was worse than we knew. I had ordered home delivery of food for her and she let it sit on the porch and rot. I called to tell her it was coming. I called to tell her it had arrived. She wouldn't go get it. My relatives next door tried to take it in for her and she wouldn't let them. It was like she enjoyed the idea of wasting my money more than having the food!

When I moved her nearby, I went to the store for her. Every time it was wrong even if it was exactly what she had requested. She would get so angry over it too. It was dementia and unmanaged mental illness.

I did have to put in boundaries and make it known that I wasn't going every time she thought of a single item. I was going to do her shopping at the same time as mine, on a weekend day of my choosing. I also reminded her she had 20 meals/month in the dining room and was not going to starve to death.

I noticed that she wasn't actually consuming all the things we brought her, and she was requesting more of it over & over. All she was really eating was ice cream, yogurt, & cheese sticks. Fresh items were rotting in the fridge, unused. She wanted ridiculous things too, like really infrequently used things to bake with. Her oven had been turned off at the breaker. She wasn't going to bake. I never said that. I just said the store was out and took the heat for it.

I would bring her cooked meals I made at home, and she wouldn't touch any of it, or she was eating it unheated. I walked in on her trying to eat an uncooked chicken biscuit right out of the freezer.

These were some of the changes that prompted us to put her on the waiting list for assisted living vs. independent living. When you can't feed yourself anymore, or understand how to walk 10 steps down the hall to the meal, it's time for more help.

Oh my gosh, I remember taking my parents once a month to Target. You'd think they were going to Disney Land. For them it was an enjoyable afternoon.... for me it was like being on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

Dad would get his cart and go off to where ever in the store, and I would follow Mom so I could help her find things and reach for stuff on the shelves. By the end Mom's cart had a lot of things in it, mine was almost empty. If I stopped to look for something for myself, Mom would be out of my sight.

When it was time to check out, Mom was ready to go... but I had to find Dad in the store, definitely it wasn't "it's a small world".... around and around the store I would go looking up and down the aisles. Then start over again. Usually Mom would disappear because she got worried about Dad, now both are missing :P
We stopped going to Wal-Mart because of that reason, the store was too darn big.

At the start of this year, now I just get their list for Target. I know they really miss those trips, but their age has caught up with them. If we went every other day and they bought a couple of items that would work for them, but it would be too exhausting for me :(

Sendme2help...I looked up Trader Joe's, and there is none in my immediate area. But I did see a couple that are near some relatives; perhaps I can get one of them to check it out or take me to see it.

Another trick is to buy something they really like, such as cookies, chocolate milk. Then when you come home, give the desired item first. Then while they are distracted, put away the rest of the groceries. Doesn't have to be food, but food seems to work all the best.

Luv, I don't think you are looking for sympathy. Maybe you are, we all are, and your respondent was insensitive. You are in a mess, and very Brave to be there.

As to the grocery shopping, o boy, have I been there. I can promise you, do this : Pick up your phone to auntie, and say, with firmness, "I have exactly this and this on my list. This brand, this size, I will be in here for fifteen minutes and then I'm leaving." I'm serious. Put your foot down. Bless your heart. I feel for you.

Good suggestions, esp. the shopping list - you probably know of items that she forgets, so make one of your own if she refuses. You and others have recognized this as a control issue. She's nitpicking with you because she gets the perceived "win." Sometimes, as has been suggested, you may want to call her bluff: "You're right, I screwed up, maybe you should get someone else who will do a better job." Also remind her of your schedule: "I'm planning to do the shopping on Thursday, please start making your list. Next time I'll be able to shop will be the following Thursday." (Or whenever). Even if that's when you plan to place an ON-LINE order. Give her the schedule, if she realizes she needs something else later, she'll have to wait until next time, or find someone else. (And turn off your phone.)

(We had a friend who complained about the brand of SELTZER we bought. Really, it's fizzy water!)

Aunty has threatened to give the grocery shopping job to her granddaughter (POA cousin) , but I don't want to put more pressure on her b/c she has the 18-months-old and the 11-year old to worry about as well as her job. But then again I'm tempted to call her bluff and say go right ahead and do whatever you want.

Your aunt is attempting to manipulate you by playing you off against her granddaughter.

I would in fact tell her to do whatever she wants, and also provide her with a list of home delivery grocery stores so she has 2 options from which to choose. She'll be surprised that you threw her manipulative attempt right back at her.

Dollar General has an easy online ordering feature. We now have all our incontinence products, TP, and towel paper DELIVERED to our front door once every two months. It is saving us money as well as lugging all that stuff home--so not fun in the wintertime. A number of other Dollar General grocery store products can be ordered this way.

You may be able to get your aunt on board by printing out the prices and showing her how much $ you're saving.

p.s. I forgot to mention that Dollar General's online ordering currently includes free shipping on orders of $40 or more and various discounts/coupons.

Gospelgirl223: In regard to grocery shopping, I would ask my MOTHER whom I had to live with out of state, "what decade was this?"-in reference to an item now being carried in the store in 2015?

Here's something I have noticed over the years. It doesn't matter who is shopping for whom, it could be parent for kids, husband for wife, etc. The shopper invariably can't find, forgets, or picks up something wrong. The shoppee expresses their disappointment that something is missing or wrong. Only a very mature and appreciative person can seem to avoid pointing out disappointments. I have been on both ends as a shopper and a shoppee and I must admit that as a shoppee I have not always suffered my disappointment quietly even though I know what it is like to be the shopper.

One way I have found though to make my return home as a shopper a little happier is to pick up one or more items that they especially like, but didn't think to ask for, as a surprise. It helps make up for anything I invariably miss or get wrong and everyone seems to be in a better mood.

I would just let her complain, as it is harmless. Sometimes our elders can't help but have knee-jerk reactions, and they don't take what they are saying as seriously as others might take them. Let it breeze by and talk about as many positive things as you can. And do something for you, if you can, without feeling guilty. (I should not give this advice as I've yet to find time to shop for a new pair of jeans)

She's threatening to let someone else do this task? What's up with that? How is that a threat? Does she think it's a treat to do her shopping?

I m would say "fine Auntie, whatever you think is best" and leave it at that. I would work on two or three stock phrases like that to say to her when she's trying to pick a fight and gain control.

No, Jude(an unpronounceable alphanumerical thing. ) it isn't. It was mine, though. I ,I've in a place with no public transport, and nothing is walkable. She won't let me out of her sight. I cannot go to the bathroom alone. She won't let me use a computer at all, so it's like living in H*ll. I like to walk, and she insists that I "come right back." Listen, Old Lady, my walk is the only respite I get from you.

So grocery shopping was my only pleasure. I actually got to ride in a car! And go further than a mile! YAY! However, it was such an arduous process that it took a whole week to plan it, and that was just for the basics. Right then, she had fallen down the stairs and broken both hips. Nonetheless, I do the whole shopping trip in exactly 20 minutes, I must be a tornado, because she will wait for me to leave the house, and then go up the stairs like a mischievous child.

The rest of the time, it's demanded that I sit there with her, don't touch the computer, and watch endless old detective shows while discussing how stupid the woman's shoes are. Then I cannot have a bath in peace or check my email at thee do of the day. I am ready to scream.

So yes, any chance out if the. House, even for twenty fast minutes is like, the Best Day In The World.

Oh, Mercy, Nom! You need to get some help in there, fast! It must be awful trying to live like that. As much as I complain, at least my mum is not as demanding as that! Bless you and I hope you find a solution soon so you can have some peace!

We have experienced the same issue with my mil when they needed us to stay with them to help out. God forbid we ran into traffic or decided to pop into a store to pick up something we had forgot from back home, she would always call every half hour to check up on us. How long will you be? What store are you at? We even spilt the list in half while shopping to save time and for what to get back home quicker to watch Gunsmoke or Seinfield for the millionth time.
As soon as the garage door shut the door would fly open and the same ole that took you along time we be thrown in our face. Then the judging of each item as it came out of the bag would start, the lunchmeat was cut to thick, and I always get paper between the cheese, or I don't buy that size. And I was ready to be sent to the bedroom if something was out of stock.
All I know is I needed a large glass of wine after each time we had to run to the store and the groceries were put away.
I dreaded my last trip out there knowing I would be by myself when she broke her hip, believe me it was worse, but I had a system by then. A back up box of wine hidden in my bedroom to help soothe my
nerves...lol I'd leave it in the car when I brought in the groceries and move it to my hiding spot, and when she was sleeping I would sneak to the garage and grab it and hide it in my bedroom buried under blackets, and when it was empty I bury it in the recycle can. My inlaws got a chuckle out of that, and wondered why I didn't go for the hard stuff.

Before I left I had mom signed up for a delivery service at the local store and she would call in the order and have it delivered for a small fee. Believe me we still heard the same complaints on how everything was wrong when we would call her each Sunday.
Thankfully we don't have to do her shopping anymore, we delegated moms errand running to her hired caregivers now, but we still hear about how everythings wrong.
Believe me I am still drinking my wine, but for different reasons.

There is so little that someone of Aunty's age has control over. Try to ignore her comments and complaints, although I know it's hard. Just recognize the fact that we all want to be in control of something in our lives, no matter how trivial or inconsequential to others, like what brand of dish soap to use. Give yourself a big hug and hang in there. :)

I would tell her that once you are on the way to shop, there will be no items added. That just adds to the stress. I told my parents that if they did not put all appointments on the calendar that they would have to get someone else to take them. I have hired a shopper to help me - not dealing with so much exhaustion is worth paying a little to someone else. I often will show her the actual products that I kept, and didn't throw away. I have taken photos and printed them out, or write a note about where I bought the item ( like - top row near the spaghetti sauce) This wouldn't completely solve the problems but will make your life easier. The shopper has told me that the clerks putting up groceries have been very helpful when looking for items.
Back when I was in college, during a snow storm, I went out and got my elderly neighbor's groceries. I did not get a thank you, but rather.... 'oh, I usually get BROWN bread...I always get the BEEF FLavor... etc. That was very annoying, since I felt that I was doing her a favor!

I am surprised you still live with aunty. POA cousin should be handling aunty's needs, that is what a POA is for

Here's a couple of ideas that I haven't seen listed, although I love the delivery idea if it works in your area.
Save the grocery receipts. You may have to make a copy of them if the print seems to rub off.
Most people buy the same thing over and over.
The description, when you bought, etc will be on the receipt plus the things she didn't think she would like.
Take a photo with your phone ( if you have that option) of hard to find or confusing items to help you and the grocer find it.
Sometimes when a favorite item is no longer carried, I've found them at dollar stores. ( denture cream, hair product)
Explain ( one time) that phone calls while shopping are stressful and often not timely. If you can, you will call before leaving the store to see if there is anything else. For this to work you will need to make the call. Sort of a under commit, over deliver.
If asked on that call "when you will return" state in a firm but friendly voice. "When I are finished."
If she is resourceful enough to find someone else to do the job, better yet. Give the cousin a heads up that you are trying to set some boundaries and this will allow her to figure out when she will do the shopping or support your efforts. 11 years old is a good age to carry groceries and learn to help mom and great grand and builds a better relationship. If your aunt is hard core, have this conversation with cousin in front of her. She's not going to want to lose your help and it will change the dynamics and energy around this task.
It will help your aunt if you are dependable, firm and consistent and not easily swayed to deviate from the plan. There is less anxiety for you both. As someone once said, " We teach people how to treat us. "

I resorted to taking pictures of mom's fridge & cabinet contents on my phone, but ultimately it didn't matter. She wouldn't recognize it as hers and disputed that she had any food at all at her place and I'm trying to starve her.

I really wish there was a fake "store" in the retirement campus. Not the gift shop, but a very realistic fake store with a checkout and everything. Mom could have gone down there and shopped to her heart's contentment. She was a huge shopper B.D. (Before Dementia). She shopped to deal with stress, avoid emotions, boredom. Her OCD turned this into hoarding. She would probably still try to hang onto a shopping cart better than a walker or grab bar, if she were mobile anymore.

If the shopper could be given a change purse at the entrance, and allowed to spend what's in it, they could have some freedom and get to feel like they shopped by themselves. There could be attendants who look like store employees. I know some of the European dementia villages do this. It's safe, it's contained, and it takes some of the burden off family members to provide shopping as entertainment.

They do, Sandwich, yes - the place I would have picked for mother's respite care given a free hand had exactly that: a mini grocery store, complete with wire baskets for residents to do their little bits and pieces of shopping, and a proper old fashioned till. They were selling real items, though, quite an imaginative range of the sorts of things that people need - toothpaste, snacks, milk.

But rather than reminiscing, what I meant to say was that I'd be surprised if there aren't US service providers who are equally ahead of the curve. Who are the leading organisations? - it would be worth raising their profile to make the rest catch up a bit.

In the US it's still handled as a disease, meaning billable services to for-profit insurance and for-profit nursing homes and for-profit pharma. The nurses and aids aren't seeing any of this billable for-profit money though. They get paid so little it's obscene.

It's not seen as a social problem that needs a more humane social response. The patient has to fit into the care mold still, but it's better than it was a few decades ago where dementia sufferers were locked up with the insane and chained to their chairs, left in hallways to scream at their demons.

I don't know of any villages that are up & running in the US. The architects who built Hogewey in the Netherlands submitted a proposal to a city in California in 2014.

The group dementia home idea is more available than a planned village. What we pay for my mom's care now could get her into that $7K/month Dutch dementia village.

Mom has gotten more humane person-centered treatment by going on hospice than before. Once you get a diagnosis, you stop being a person and are only the patient in a lot of ways. I believe this is behind a lot of the decision to do home-based care - to humanize the care.

My mom's residence does a lot to simulate home, but it's the same for everyone there. They don't have different environments to mimic what the person was used to. Staff wear scrubs. Everybody eats the same food. It is a great place, but it is not a dementia village.

There are some really good suggestions here for dealing with the grocery list problem. My experience in dealing with seniors who do NOT have dementia has convinced me that trying to change their behavior is not very successful.

I haven't found a way to convince, persuade, or in any way cause the senior to change their ways about anything. There really is no incentive for them to change and they may have a point.

For me, the only thing that works is action. Just do what you are going to do and turn off the complaints. It's doubtful your efforts to satisfy her will work. I don't think she's trying to be difficult, but that's just how people are and when you are in your 70's, why change?

I think I would inform her very nicely that my phone doesn't work well anymore and I can't take calls on it when I leave the house. If there is an emergency while you are gone, she should call 911 or a designated person. Then, I wouldn't take her calls or concern myself with any changes or messages from her during that time.. I would buy the items on the list and if she complains, ignore and go about your business. I might even tell her they don't sell that anymore. You'll have to adjust. I'd be nice, but I wouldn't let it fret me. She'll be fine.

I do agree with some posters upthread who say to treat her. I would try to bring her a nice treat each time. Even if it's something small such as a piece of fruit, ice cream, or candy. I'd try to do something special just to make her feel special. It probably won't stop her complaining though. lol