I was fortunate that I didn't suffer with depression. I did have stress and anxiety, but, it got better when I got proper help. Reading, learning and sharing online helped me. Other people, who had gone through what I was going through gave me support and advice. It was invaluable.
I never felt guilty, since, I knew that I was doing all that I could and there was no call for guilt.
As far as the loss of freedom....I make sure that the MC has my contact information at all times. And I have a backup person in my family in case of emergency, if I have to go out of town. But, I haven't left the state, let alone the country since she got dementia. I'm not comfortable doing that with her in her condition.
I don't have an answer. I feel like I am loosing my mind. My husband and children are going on with their lives and I feel like I'm dead. No one comes to visit. My parents will not use the air conditioner so I am stuck with running to my room gasping for air and retuning to do more clean up and care. They will not eat anything I cook, it's never cooked right. Every night I have to keep my dad from trying to leave because he doesn't recognize his home. I am at my wits end. It's been a year now and my husband doesn't even want to come see me. There is always an argument. I understand the depression well. I hope you can find an answer.
Wow I'm sorry and I understand what you're going through. My circumstances are different. I took care of both my parents and my dad passed away last year so I moved my mom in with me. I miss my dad so much and I know my mom does but she is paralyzed and can't talk. I can't imagine how she feels not even being able to talk about it. I feel guilty for getting down. I don't leave my house unless I can get someone to come over or I take mom out too. My husband works a lot but has been very supportive, so for that I'm blessed and grateful. I just found this sight so I'm not sure if I'm even posting right but I thought talking to people who are in the same situation would help. God Bless you all, I know how hard it can be first hand and people that have never done it just don't understand that it's not just physically hard but very much mentally.
I don't have depression - yet. I do, however, have fear that I won't be able to live the life I want because my mother easily could live another ten years - and I feel sick by this. I don't feel guilty about feeling sick to my stomach about my mother's strong longevity. I love my mother with all my heart. However, she has no quality of life so I'm just watching her suffer and suffer and suffer and waiting until something takes her. It just saddens me so much.
Agreed with above. People who haven't been caregiving to a very ill loved one just don't get it - but are quick to pass judgement - and this irritates me. What I need to hear is "How are you doing?" and not "Gosh...I could never do what you're doing..."
My father expired ten years ago, and I've missed him every day since. In fact, I love him even more now then when he was alive because I didn't understand, I didn't have the life experience to understand his sacrifices to our family. This hurts me the most.
Do not look at it from what you lost. Consider what you have gained. I know how hard it is, I was there too. You are spending time with mom that no one else can take from you. Be proud that you are able to provide the care.
Please don't take me wrong. I l e my mom with all my heart and I'm blessed I can take care of her. I just wish I had help. One never appreciates little things like getting in your car and driving to clear your head until u can't do it anymore.
I didn't think you didn't love your mother. All of us that are caregiving are doing it out of love and compassion - but the stress does get to us because we're not robots. :-)
Try looking at Care dot com. I found a wonderful relief caregiver at 15/hr. if you can find one in your budget, then do a trial run at having the relief caregiver coming in once a week for just a few hours so you can have time to yourself. You can purchase a WiFi camera (tell the caregiver you've got the camera on) off of Amazon to view your mother every now and then while you're out on a break to ease your mind that she is well taken are of.
Exhausted 71. I'm fairly new. You can send a private message. God knows I've tried. And succeeded sometimes. But you go to the persons name and click on it. You will see an option to give a hug. That means you pick a picture with a personal message. There is a very small option that says " private". You select that. And write to that person. As I said I've had limited success Because the other part of the page interferes with what you want to write. Any way. Welcome to this site. We are all in this together. Doing the best we can
Everyone doesn't have depression and loosing their freedom feelings. There is a rift in the family and that has caused much harm to my Mother and I have suffered fear and anxiety. We are recovering from that having removed ourselves from their attempted takeover plan for Mother's Care. . . . Mother asked me to come back from Colorado in January of 2015. I have never felt a loss of freedom in moving back to take care of Mom but rather how blessed we are to have this time to spend together. Life is very interesting and filled with challenges. I have the time and systems to be meticulous in all areas of her care. Mother is going to be 100 years old this October. She can go with me on small errands or appointments nearby a time or two a week. Her wheel chair is small and she is graceful getting in and out of the car. It keeps Mom positive when she can get out to do something with me. I am on the internet a lot learning all I can about how to best care for Mother. My son and his wife have been giving me a few hours a week to go to church, participate in Choir practice, go shopping. With TV, and contact with a few friends by cell phone, e-mail , and a friend recently has started live streaming on You Tube while live video gaming, I've found You Tube full of matters very interesting, with others spreading their ideas and thoughts in a very personal manner. My life is full. Best of all with Mother myself, son, his wife and family, we are all so blessed having a close loving family with Mother at the center holding us together. Cherish your memories from the past but think about creating new positive experiences in your new life. The small things like seeing your LO enjoy a meal (Arby's tonight) is a great event. Pray about it.
Caregiving is a marathon and not a sprint. You cannot give of yourself 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It's impossible.
Exercise is best for depression. Exercise includes walking. Start small and build up to brisk walks. Meditation is also good. YouTube has instructional videos for just about everything. Start with one minute and work your way up to more minutes.
Someone is dependent upon you for care and that means that you need to empower yourself. Recognize that many of your feelings are caused by feeling helpless. Watch Teepa Snow videos to learn the "how tos" that you will need sooner or later. Read books about caregiving. I highly recommend Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?"
See what works for you. Get a big calendar for the fridge. Schedule time for yourself. Schedule whatever you need to schedule. Learn to set healthy boundaries and how to respond to unreasonable expectations. Learn to say "No" and do not feel guilty about saying it.
If you can afford it, hire someone to do chores that you cannot handle with your other responsibilities. Barter and trade to get help for yourself.
Do nice things for yourself. Make a mug of hot chocolate. Do a crossword. Knit. Watch a movie (most libraries have movies for loan). Take a bubble bath. And I want to emphasize that you cannot do everything for someone else all by yourself.
Seriously, answering this question or an attempt at doing so. Honestly, it is a battle I fight everyday. Somedays are more palatable than others and then there are days I wish I could just wave a wand and make myself dissapear. I try to stay calm, keep an even keel but I am not always successful. After over 4 years, and things getting worse both with Mom's memory and my insane brother accusing me of things that are not true, it makes for a very stressful life. I have fought depression my whole life for what my brother did to me as a child and he still haunts me to this very day. My other brother is MIA so all responsibility is mine alone. They accuse me of doing this for Mom's money. What money? I cannot work my career anymore, I have no healthcare because of that, I get no breaks because husband makes too much money for them to qualify me for any assistance, (they expect him to pay a huge chunk of his salary for my healthcare) I have no freedom, can't go anywhere, Mom refuses to go anywhere without me so I cannot drop her off at a senior center for the day or anything else, she has alienated all her friends or any possible new friends that try reaching out to her, I end up having to break things off with them at her behest. I spend my days caring for her, cleaning my house, running errands, doing laundry, dishes, vacuuming, keeping up on paperwork, etc.etc. Depressed? Me? I can't imagine why. 🤔
Apparently by stress eating and not fitting in exercise. I think I've gained ten pounds a year for the past 4 that mom has lived with me. At this rate, she will easily outlast me.
I feel fortunate that I have some days that go smoothly to help me get through the days that make me sob multiple times.
I think about this quote quite often: "The greatest lie depression tells us, is that the way things are is the way they will always be." (John Pavlovitz.) Time changes things, so hang in there.
Hi Rainey. I can't drink wine. Sulfa reaction. So it's miller lite. I have never been depressed. I was kind of look at the bright side type. Really trying hard to maintain that and realize "that this too shall pass". Just kind of wish I had some idea when. My mother like yours will not go to a senior center. She will do nothing unless it's with me and that's suffocating. It's just so hard to see a bright side. This site helps. I m right there with you. Laundry. Dishes Bills , car inspections , pharmacy. Food shopping. Dog walking. The dog walking I loved because it was a half hour away from her. Now she wants to go and waits for me at the door. It's like ok. Suck some more blood out of my veins. It's just really hard and I think most of us fight depression every day
I think this all boils down to loss of freedom. Being tied down. Like if you had children you were for them. But my mother is not my child. Well I guess she's becoming like my child but with a baby there is promise for hopefully a great future. With this , only worsening symptoms. Till I guess their demise. It also has forced me to realize I'm 56 not 36 even though I still feel and act young. This whole thing has me saying everyday to myself I'll be dead in 25 to 3O years. If I'm lucky. Try to enjoy what I have now. Inspite of caring and living with a mother with Alzheimer's
I disagree with dejavu "Time changes things, so hang in there."
Time does not change things; *you* change things. The laws of physics demonstrate that, over time, a body at rest will stay at rest and a body in motion will stay in motion **unless acted upon by an outside force**. Bodies - and that includes human bodies - resist change.
What is the first thing you would like to change that is within your power to change?
Hi Ny daughter in law. My first thing to Change is 2 fold. First I wish she was in assisted living. Second I wish I had the guts and less of heart to make that happen.
That is our biggest struggle. Particularly for my husband, who has deferred his own desire to be less tied down on the farm for so long. He would like to be able to do things spontaneously, and travel some, enjoying the fruits of his lifetime of prudence. I'm more of a homebody but I miss having any privacy or any life of our own. His mother, who lives with us, is basically in good physical health for her age (90) -- in fact better than my husband. But she is emotionally very dependent, and prone to falling, won't or can't take proper care of herself (it's hard to tell -- she's very manipulative), and has alienated most of the rest of the (younger) family that have tried to help her.
So here we are....she doesn't particularly like me, which also sweetens the mix. It can get tense around here when we both get stressed out and she digs in to some of her more challenging behaviors. And I'm a fairly recent addition to the family -- she started staying with us right after we got married. I have no real positive history with her to draw on and she sees this as her house and me as a less than satisfactory domestic helper most of the time.
Bitter though it may be sometimes it helps to try to focus on things as they are, and try to accept them rather than dwelling on the if onlies. I believe that us caring for her is her right and our responsibility. We set boundaries, and each try to create our own space and privacy, even in the same room. Luckily we both work outdoors all day, so i just check on her and see to meds and meals during the day, but the walls do get pretty close together some times! I get up before anyone else and carve out my quiet "me time". If she's being whiny or quarrelsome I go outside (in the rain in the dark if necessary). I keep business papers and personal belongings put away from prying eyes. And we both are pretty good at just mentally checking out and being "gone in place" when she gets cranked up. Is it wonderful? Nope. Is it fair to any of us? Not always. But on the day to day we are limping through it. If I find little ways to be good to myself, work at allowing my feelings of frustration and resentment but "leaving the back door of my mind open for them to leave instead of hanging on to them, and create my own inner privacy it helps.
When I went through a particularly bad time with my dad after a surgery and hospitalization for him, I became physically and mentally spent. My sister who is my support but lives in another state was good at helping me set boundaries. She made me promise to do one thing per day that would bring me joy because I felt like I'd had the joy sucked out of life. When you get depressed, it can become a downward spiral. Finally I realized I couldn't handle it alone and found a therapist to talk to. What was so good about this is she was non judgmental, objective and didn't mind me spilling my guts and would listen. You just can not get that from anyone close to you. She told me it was a safe place to come and just let it out. You sometimes can not battle that feeling of depression by yourself. I did get a Rx for an antidepressant, and I filled it, but so far I've come out of it and haven't needed to take it. I also used my dad's money to pay for the copayment. It was the least I felt he could do. Anyway, please know you may need to look for ways to get Day or night help...sleep is critical as is getting out of the house. And consider talk therapy with a professional. We are here for you too.
I dealt with it by having a plan for the rest of my life. Every evening I spent the quiet time doing research and making the plan better.
When I got an afternoon I would spend it doing whatever I could toward that plan. I laid out specific steps and goals, and I never stopped working toward the next goal on that list.
My parents both passed during this last year. Mom died last month. Now it is full steam ahead on my plan. Without that plan, I will be lost at this point. It served a dual purpose..kept me sane and grounded during the years as a caregiver...and is my motivation and purpose now that I am just a single woman again
My mother in law is in a nursing home. She is 97 and was living alone a year ago. Her mind was getting bad and she was afraid staying alone at night and needed help during the day. We tried at home help, but she did not like any of the helpers and as soon as we would get one, she would decide she did not need them. Instead she was calling us all the time as well as her friends to do everything for her. She went to assisted living and was doing well, but after two months she broke her hip because she would not use her walker like she should have. She has been in a nursing home now for about 8 months. Her dementia got worse after the hip surgery. She refused to do therapy and now cannot walk. She is unhappy with the nursing home because she wants to have her way about everything. My husband goes to see her every day because we live only 10 miles away. I go with him most of the time, but I don't think we need to go every day so I don't. Her other son lives in the same town and stops by every day. She is not friendly with the other residents and her friends are all either dead or too old to visit her. I used to take her places when she was in the assisted living facility, but since she can't walk, we have not taken her out of the nursing home. My husband had surgery for an aortic aneurysm a year ago and he is not supposed to lift more than 50 pounds. She is a dead weight when moving her into or out of a vehicle, getting her into a wheel chair, etc. I am not able to help her should she need to use the bathroom while away from the nursing home. I have RA, plus I am not strong enough to deal with helping her up and down. I feel really guilty that she is so unhappy, but honestly I think we are doing the best we can and going to see her every day. We would like to be able to take some trips while we are still able (we are 72) but my husband seems to think we can't leave for more than a day or so. She is not sick. I feel guilty because I am so tired of having my life revolve around her. We have been looking after her since her husband died 7 years ago. By this I mean taking her to doctor appointments, keeping up her property, looking after all her business, etc. I also helped look after my own mother for 8 years staying at night with her several. Ights a week and taking turns with my sisters caring for her full time. Just ready for relief. I can feel for everyone who is writing in. I know I am depressed, but don't want to take antidepressants. I don't drink alcohol and don't want to. I have found that caffeine puts me in a good mood and also intake a low dose of Xanax every night. It helps me sleep and I can better face going to the nursing home so much. I know time will change the situation, but when? I feel like she is going to outlive us! Oh, and I get so tired of everyone saying how wonderful it is for her to be going on 98 and how lucky we are. Like someone else said, if you haven't done this, you don't know what it's like!
I too, am new to this caregiving gig in the sense that it just recently became official. But I've been 'taking care of mom' for over 5 years. I used to work outside the home, I used to feel like a normal adult. Now, I'm trapped in a poverty spiral. We often can't pay all the bills, we have to "make due" with peanut butter sandwiches. I feel like I'm losing everything.
Exhausted 71 Thankyou very much for bringing this topic up. To me it seems so many live in denial/dream caring for their loved ones and not caring for themselves. Thankyou for validating the feelings of many.
It won't last forever, I keep telling myself. I have given up on help from my sister, it's on her terms, and she can't get out of bed early so I can do art/craft show setups. I do the ones I can. Friends offer to help and I did have one come over when I had to go to the vet in an emergency. I am grateful mom is as good as she is; I just feel putting in a nursing home would be a miserable existence. Don't know if this will continue as she declines; you just do the best you can do. I will know when I can't do it anymore and I will not feel guilty. My grandparents and father died in a hospital, nobody in the family has even been a caregiver. Even on a good day it is stressful. I do have an aide that comes 48 hours a month through Council on Aging Consumer Driven Care, but they don't work on weekends.
I think we've all felt this way. Life passes you by, loss of income, loss of socialization and loss of just taking care of yourself! I love my Mom but I still have things I would like to do before I get to old to do it!
I know exactly what you mean!!! My mother had her stroke at 59, she could live another 20-30 years. And it's all on me. IT being her finances, her heath decisions, apparently searching every d*mn store for the correct sports bra and then getting it in a unique color so the NH will not lose it...ahhh!! I thought moving her the a NH would help, but the NH counts on me for everything!!! Oh my heavens!! When will I get my life back?? Skinny Girl wine does help. And venting here is great too!!
First and foremost - don't feel guilty. Not now, not ever, not about depression.
I don't feel depression but I do get some despair and a lot of fatigue. I am in my position willingly, it was not thrust upon me. I think this makes a difference.
I use my computer and tablets to escape while Ray sleeps/naps. It helps me to occupy my mind. I was advised to learn to sleep when he does but thankfully I don't need that much sleep yet.
Don't worry about trying to answer every reply - if something helps, just say thank you. If you really want to reach out, click on the person's name and you can give them a hug and/or a comment. Free.
Thankfully on the days I might feel overburdened, I remember that Ray doesn't want things to be this way either. I try to give him the illusion of independence and I try to force him to make at least the simple decisions. If you try putting yourself into the patient's shoes, it really brings things to the front again.
I can't even imagine how he can't remember where the bathroom is, we've lived here 29 years already. I promise I haven't moved it :)
I see it is your Mother and she is paralyzed. I am sorry - because of a neighbor going through this with her DH, I can understand some of what you are dealing with. My neighbor is on Zoloft and she said it helped to keep her from being angry all the time. It is an option to help steady your nerves.
Ray is still ambulatory, but he wobbles and has fallen a lot.
I never felt guilty, since, I knew that I was doing all that I could and there was no call for guilt.
As far as the loss of freedom....I make sure that the MC has my contact information at all times. And I have a backup person in my family in case of emergency, if I have to go out of town. But, I haven't left the state, let alone the country since she got dementia. I'm not comfortable doing that with her in her condition.
Agreed with above. People who haven't been caregiving to a very ill loved one just don't get it - but are quick to pass judgement - and this irritates me. What I need to hear is "How are you doing?" and not "Gosh...I could never do what you're doing..."
My father expired ten years ago, and I've missed him every day since. In fact, I love him even more now then when he was alive because I didn't understand, I didn't have the life experience to understand his sacrifices to our family. This hurts me the most.
Caregiving is so hard but not respected.
Try looking at Care dot com. I found a wonderful relief caregiver at 15/hr. if you can find one in your budget, then do a trial run at having the relief caregiver coming in once a week for just a few hours so you can have time to yourself. You can purchase a WiFi camera (tell the caregiver you've got the camera on) off of Amazon to view your mother every now and then while you're out on a break to ease your mind that she is well taken are of.
Exercise is best for depression. Exercise includes walking. Start small and build up to brisk walks. Meditation is also good. YouTube has instructional videos for just about everything. Start with one minute and work your way up to more minutes.
Someone is dependent upon you for care and that means that you need to empower yourself. Recognize that many of your feelings are caused by feeling helpless. Watch Teepa Snow videos to learn the "how tos" that you will need sooner or later. Read books about caregiving. I highly recommend Roz Chast's "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?"
See what works for you. Get a big calendar for the fridge. Schedule time for yourself. Schedule whatever you need to schedule. Learn to set healthy boundaries and how to respond to unreasonable expectations. Learn to say "No" and do not feel guilty about saying it.
If you can afford it, hire someone to do chores that you cannot handle with your other responsibilities. Barter and trade to get help for yourself.
Do nice things for yourself. Make a mug of hot chocolate. Do a crossword. Knit. Watch a movie (most libraries have movies for loan). Take a bubble bath. And I want to emphasize that you cannot do everything for someone else all by yourself.
Depressed? Me? I can't imagine why. 🤔
I feel fortunate that I have some days that go smoothly to help me get through the days that make me sob multiple times.
I think about this quote quite often: "The greatest lie depression tells us, is that the way things are is the way they will always be." (John Pavlovitz.) Time changes things, so hang in there.
Time does not change things; *you* change things. The laws of physics demonstrate that, over time, a body at rest will stay at rest and a body in motion will stay in motion **unless acted upon by an outside force**. Bodies - and that includes human bodies - resist change.
What is the first thing you would like to change that is within your power to change?
His mother, who lives with us, is basically in good physical health for her age (90) -- in fact better than my husband. But she is emotionally very dependent, and prone to falling, won't or can't take proper care of herself (it's hard to tell -- she's very manipulative), and has alienated most of the rest of the (younger) family that have tried to help her.
So here we are....she doesn't particularly like me, which also sweetens the mix. It can get tense around here when we both get stressed out and she digs in to some of her more challenging behaviors. And I'm a fairly recent addition to the family -- she started staying with us right after we got married. I have no real positive history with her to draw on and she sees this as her house and me as a less than satisfactory domestic helper most of the time.
Bitter though it may be sometimes it helps to try to focus on things as they are, and try to accept them rather than dwelling on the if onlies. I believe that us caring for her is her right and our responsibility. We set boundaries, and each try to create our own space and privacy, even in the same room. Luckily we both work outdoors all day, so i just check on her and see to meds and meals during the day, but the walls do get pretty close together some times! I get up before anyone else and carve out my quiet "me time". If she's being whiny or quarrelsome I go outside (in the rain in the dark if necessary). I keep business papers and personal belongings put away from prying eyes. And we both are pretty good at just mentally checking out and being "gone in place" when she gets cranked up. Is it wonderful? Nope. Is it fair to any of us? Not always. But on the day to day we are limping through it. If I find little ways to be good to myself, work at allowing my feelings of frustration and resentment but "leaving the back door of my mind open for them to leave instead of hanging on to them, and create my own inner privacy it helps.
When I got an afternoon I would spend it doing whatever I could toward that plan. I laid out specific steps and goals, and I never stopped working toward the next goal on that list.
My parents both passed during this last year. Mom died last month. Now it is full steam ahead on my plan. Without that plan, I will be lost at this point. It served a dual purpose..kept me sane and grounded during the years as a caregiver...and is my motivation and purpose now that I am just a single woman again
mother had her stroke at 59, she could live another 20-30 years. And it's all on me. IT being her finances, her heath decisions, apparently searching every d*mn store for the correct sports bra and then getting it in a unique color so the NH will not lose it...ahhh!! I thought moving her the a NH would help, but the NH counts on me for everything!!! Oh my heavens!! When will I get my life back?? Skinny Girl wine does help. And venting here is great too!!
I don't feel depression but I do get some despair and a lot of fatigue. I am in my position willingly, it was not thrust upon me. I think this makes a difference.
I use my computer and tablets to escape while Ray sleeps/naps. It helps me to occupy my mind. I was advised to learn to sleep when he does but thankfully I don't need that much sleep yet.
Don't worry about trying to answer every reply - if something helps, just say thank you. If you really want to reach out, click on the person's name and you can give them a hug and/or a comment. Free.
Thankfully on the days I might feel overburdened, I remember that Ray doesn't want things to be this way either. I try to give him the illusion of independence and I try to force him to make at least the simple decisions. If you try putting yourself into the patient's shoes, it really brings things to the front again.
I can't even imagine how he can't remember where the bathroom is, we've lived here 29 years already. I promise I haven't moved it :)
I see it is your Mother and she is paralyzed. I am sorry - because of a neighbor going through this with her DH, I can understand some of what you are dealing with. My neighbor is on Zoloft and she said it helped to keep her from being angry all the time. It is an option to help steady your nerves.
Ray is still ambulatory, but he wobbles and has fallen a lot.