Please don't take me wrong. I l e my mom with all my heart and I'm blessed I can take care of her. I just wish I had help. One never appreciates little things like getting in your car and driving to clear your head until u can't do it anymore.
I don't have depression - yet. I do, however, have fear that I won't be able to live the life I want because my mother easily could live another ten years - and I feel sick by this. I don't feel guilty about feeling sick to my stomach about my mother's strong longevity. I love my mother with all my heart. However, she has no quality of life so I'm just watching her suffer and suffer and suffer and waiting until something takes her. It just saddens me so much.
Agreed with above. People who haven't been caregiving to a very ill loved one just don't get it - but are quick to pass judgement - and this irritates me. What I need to hear is "How are you doing?" and not "Gosh...I could never do what you're doing..."
My father expired ten years ago, and I've missed him every day since. In fact, I love him even more now then when he was alive because I didn't understand, I didn't have the life experience to understand his sacrifices to our family. This hurts me the most.
Wow I'm sorry and I understand what you're going through. My circumstances are different. I took care of both my parents and my dad passed away last year so I moved my mom in with me. I miss my dad so much and I know my mom does but she is paralyzed and can't talk. I can't imagine how she feels not even being able to talk about it. I feel guilty for getting down. I don't leave my house unless I can get someone to come over or I take mom out too. My husband works a lot but has been very supportive, so for that I'm blessed and grateful. I just found this sight so I'm not sure if I'm even posting right but I thought talking to people who are in the same situation would help. God Bless you all, I know how hard it can be first hand and people that have never done it just don't understand that it's not just physically hard but very much mentally.
I don't have an answer. I feel like I am loosing my mind. My husband and children are going on with their lives and I feel like I'm dead. No one comes to visit. My parents will not use the air conditioner so I am stuck with running to my room gasping for air and retuning to do more clean up and care. They will not eat anything I cook, it's never cooked right. Every night I have to keep my dad from trying to leave because he doesn't recognize his home. I am at my wits end. It's been a year now and my husband doesn't even want to come see me. There is always an argument. I understand the depression well. I hope you can find an answer.
Do not look at it from what you lost. Consider what you have gained. I know how hard it is, I was there too. You are spending time with mom that no one else can take from you. Be proud that you are able to provide the care.
Joann, I, too, have prayed for my mother to pass away. Do I feel guilty? A little. She is 94 yrs. old, stage 6 Alzheimer's disease and is miserable with life in a memory care facility. She has had daily headaches since the Alzheimer's became apparent about 6 years ago. No medication has helped and the doctors (even brain surgeons) can't find any reason for the headaches. She has been a hypochondriac all her life and would frequently be deathly ill from a hangnail or pimple.
She has started to say she wishes she would die (multiple times per hour!). My mother would have never spoken about death before this. She truly seems miserable and there is nothing I can do to change her situation. She is on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication but she is still depressed. I have also noticed a downward spiral in her health in the last year, (much more hard of hearing, much more wobbly and falling more, more frequently incontinent, more memory loss, etc.). I can't blame her for wanting to die. But I only share my feeling of wanting God to take her with a friend who is also a caregiver. Everyone else is appalled that someone could say that about their own mother. My girlfriend and I allow ourselves to utter the bitter truth-that our mothers have come to the end of their journey but aren't dying yet.
Last summer I had an unexpected 3 month episode of high anxiety/depression when mother wasn't doing well and other family members had problems also. I went to a therapist, but she only had room in her schedule to see me once! She referred me to a psychiatrist, who immediately put me on some psych medication that turned me into a zombie. No thanks-I'd rather "feel" my feelings than not be in touch with them at all. I stopped taking them after 3 days. Then I saw another therapist who was just about deaf. I didn't feel comfortable screaming through my sessions. When she told me to tell my hubby "Tough Sh*t" about a problem we were having with our truck, that was the last straw. Oh well, patient, heal thy self. I started praying and using positive thinking and the anxiety and depression only lasted a bit longer.
Lately, I'm having a hard time watching mom's further decline. In my brain I'm screaming, "God, how much longer must she suffer? Why can't You take her now and avoid the pain for both of us?" I have to answer her statement of, "I just want to die." with, "God's not ready for you yet."
Today I took her to get the cast off her healing broken wrist (from falling) and a doctor's visit. After 5 hours, I was exhausted. Doctor said that she should be in a wheelchair now since she's falling fairly frequently. It's a double edged sword. If she stays in the w/c, her muscles will weaken/atrophy and she will be more susceptible to pneumonia and blood clots but she won't be breaking bones. Conversely, if she continues walking with the walker (that she doesn't navigate well), she will continue falling and sooner or later, break some big bone and land in the hospital then rehab, with the toll it takes. You just wonder why this has to continue.
I've had to quit my 3 day a week job and take a much more strenuous full time job to help her with the increasing costs of her care. The more she declines, the more care she needs and the more it costs. She had a raise already and it's more than what she brings in from S.S. Now in a w/c, the cost will go up again. I'm frustrated that a good portion of my pay will be going to her care, not that I begrudge her, but hubby and I have 2 kids in college and mounting debt.
Praying, deep breathing, relaxation exercises, looking forward to the future (retiring in 4 years), limiting our visits with mom, a healthy glass of red wine and playing with our dogs are how I try to cope. It will be good for all of us when it's all over.
We are not meant to live so long. We are the first generation with this longevity where the body is outlasting the brain. I sometimes think that the new medicines and technologies have not been a blessing but a curse for the aged. What good is quantity without quality?
My motto, Eat all the fat, salt, sugar and wine that you desire. Live it up now and die 10 years younger than you normally would (without dementia). Good! Then I won't be a burden to my son and he won't have to see me loose my marbles and be responsible for a wack-a-doodle mom. What good are those 10 years if you don't have your mind?
I think we've all felt this way. Life passes you by, loss of income, loss of socialization and loss of just taking care of yourself! I love my Mom but I still have things I would like to do before I get to old to do it!
Exhausted 71. I'm fairly new. You can send a private message. God knows I've tried. And succeeded sometimes. But you go to the persons name and click on it. You will see an option to give a hug. That means you pick a picture with a personal message. There is a very small option that says " private". You select that. And write to that person. As I said I've had limited success Because the other part of the page interferes with what you want to write. Any way. Welcome to this site. We are all in this together. Doing the best we can
I dealt with it by having a plan for the rest of my life. Every evening I spent the quiet time doing research and making the plan better.
When I got an afternoon I would spend it doing whatever I could toward that plan. I laid out specific steps and goals, and I never stopped working toward the next goal on that list.
My parents both passed during this last year. Mom died last month. Now it is full steam ahead on my plan. Without that plan, I will be lost at this point. It served a dual purpose..kept me sane and grounded during the years as a caregiver...and is my motivation and purpose now that I am just a single woman again
Agreed with above. People who haven't been caregiving to a very ill loved one just don't get it - but are quick to pass judgement - and this irritates me. What I need to hear is "How are you doing?" and not "Gosh...I could never do what you're doing..."
My father expired ten years ago, and I've missed him every day since. In fact, I love him even more now then when he was alive because I didn't understand, I didn't have the life experience to understand his sacrifices to our family. This hurts me the most.
Caregiving is so hard but not respected.
I, too, have prayed for my mother to pass away. Do I feel guilty? A little. She is 94 yrs. old, stage 6 Alzheimer's disease and is miserable with life in a memory care facility. She has had daily headaches since the Alzheimer's became apparent about 6 years ago. No medication has helped and the doctors (even brain surgeons) can't find any reason for the headaches. She has been a hypochondriac all her life and would frequently be deathly ill from a hangnail or pimple.
She has started to say she wishes she would die (multiple times per hour!). My mother would have never spoken about death before this. She truly seems miserable and there is nothing I can do to change her situation. She is on an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication but she is still depressed. I have also noticed a downward spiral in her health in the last year, (much more hard of hearing, much more wobbly and falling more, more frequently incontinent, more memory loss, etc.). I can't blame her for wanting to die. But I only share my feeling of wanting God to take her with a friend who is also a caregiver. Everyone else is appalled that someone could say that about their own mother. My girlfriend and I allow ourselves to utter the bitter truth-that our mothers have come to the end of their journey but aren't dying yet.
Last summer I had an unexpected 3 month episode of high anxiety/depression when mother wasn't doing well and other family members had problems also. I went to a therapist, but she only had room in her schedule to see me once! She referred me to a psychiatrist, who immediately put me on some psych medication that turned me into a zombie. No thanks-I'd rather "feel" my feelings than not be in touch with them at all. I stopped taking them after 3 days. Then I saw another therapist who was just about deaf. I didn't feel comfortable screaming through my sessions. When she told me to tell my hubby "Tough Sh*t" about a problem we were having with our truck, that was the last straw. Oh well, patient, heal thy self. I started praying and using positive thinking and the anxiety and depression only lasted a bit longer.
Lately, I'm having a hard time watching mom's further decline. In my brain I'm screaming, "God, how much longer must she suffer? Why can't You take her now and avoid the pain for both of us?" I have to answer her statement of, "I just want to die." with, "God's not ready for you yet."
Today I took her to get the cast off her healing broken wrist (from falling) and a doctor's visit. After 5 hours, I was exhausted. Doctor said that she should be in a wheelchair now since she's falling fairly frequently. It's a double edged sword. If she stays in the w/c, her muscles will weaken/atrophy and she will be more susceptible to pneumonia and blood clots but she won't be breaking bones. Conversely, if she continues walking with the walker (that she doesn't navigate well), she will continue falling and sooner or later, break some big bone and land in the hospital then rehab, with the toll it takes. You just wonder why this has to continue.
I've had to quit my 3 day a week job and take a much more strenuous full time job to help her with the increasing costs of her care. The more she declines, the more care she needs and the more it costs. She had a raise already and it's more than what she brings in from S.S. Now in a w/c, the cost will go up again. I'm frustrated that a good portion of my pay will be going to her care, not that I begrudge her, but hubby and I have 2 kids in college and mounting debt.
Praying, deep breathing, relaxation exercises, looking forward to the future (retiring in 4 years), limiting our visits with mom, a healthy glass of red wine and playing with our dogs are how I try to cope. It will be good for all of us when it's all over.
We are not meant to live so long. We are the first generation with this longevity where the body is outlasting the brain. I sometimes think that the new medicines and technologies have not been a blessing but a curse for the aged. What good is quantity without quality?
My motto, Eat all the fat, salt, sugar and wine that you desire. Live it up now and die 10 years younger than you normally would (without dementia). Good! Then I won't be a burden to my son and he won't have to see me loose my marbles and be responsible for a wack-a-doodle mom. What good are those 10 years if you don't have your mind?
When I got an afternoon I would spend it doing whatever I could toward that plan. I laid out specific steps and goals, and I never stopped working toward the next goal on that list.
My parents both passed during this last year. Mom died last month. Now it is full steam ahead on my plan. Without that plan, I will be lost at this point. It served a dual purpose..kept me sane and grounded during the years as a caregiver...and is my motivation and purpose now that I am just a single woman again
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