You are right Freqflyer (as you so often are). A supportive spouse/significant other is a blessing. One who is not supportive adds enormously to your stress. Trying to balance it all is bad enough without this drain. I wish you well. Carol
AgeanieJ, You feel totally isolated from the World, and so alone, and at 62 You are feeling " Life has passed You by. Believe Me I know how You feel, as I am 56 and single, though My Journey has come to an end since Mom passed away last June. You must remember this Journey will end much too soon when You least expect, and all You will be left with are memories. Treasure this time You have left with Mom, while re assuring Her that You Love Her. Remember to avail of Restbite Care, it's FREE just contact Your Public Health Nurse. You the Carer are entitled to 30 days per year FREE. Organise some Carer to relieve You also, say three half days in the week to begin with. You are becoming burnt out ajeannieJ so please be careful to Look after You as well because if You crash and hit the canvas, Who will take Your place ? My own Mother God Love Her, often said to Me...John if any thing happened to You " what could I do ?...Who would take Care of Me ? Wouldn't that melt Your Heart. I kissed Mom good night every night, while reassuring Her that I would always be with Her to take good Care of Her, and that I would keep Her safe...these words gave Mom the greatest security and peace. When My Mother died from Alzheimer's I cried My Heart out for three months +. Enjoy the Time You have Left.
I'm a caregiver Yes it is possible. It's like everything else. Sharing your life with the people you care for needs to be done. Why not bring them with you on your date for starters. You might even find a caring person who would be willing to assist you😊😇 Have fun with the job and with the consumer. Lots of luck to you
It is possible. You just have to have boundaries and "me" time. To have that, you need help. There are some great aides you can get to sit with your mom when you're out. You just have to screen them well, get recommendations, and be extremely selective. My heart goes out to you when you say your life is over. It sounds like you can't see the forest for the trees. That can happen easily when you're a caregiver...but it doesn't have to stay that way. Get help and take your life back ini small increments. Remember, you are entitled to one...
ajeaniej - it is not too late. I met my sig other 6 years ago when I was 71. I am a distant caregiver of a mentally ill (Borderline Personality Disorder, narcissistic) mother who is now 103.. He has been very helpful with the 4 moves we have had since trying to get mother the right treatment and into the facility that is best for her. Although it is distance caregiving, these have been the hardest years as she developed vascular dementia and became suicidal. He has been very supportive and understanding although he is very busy with his career and hobbies. I agree with making your life as good as possible at present, but I disagree with the poster who said not to attempt to look for a date if that is what you want. I was on my own for 15 years before I decided to look for a companion. I did this by joining online dating sites. It was a huge learning experience. I had to screen and weed out many people, but eventually we found one another and, with much work, our relationship grows. I cannot speak to the situation of a hands on caregiver, which is more demanding on a minute by minute, hour by hour basis, however, as we know, that does not last forever. I believe that it is never too late to find a companion,and know of others who have met someone later in life. Just wanted to encourage you. (((((((hugs))))))
when I was newly divorced, I was in my late 40's but the kids were still young teens so I made a conscious decision not to date. The kids needed my attention and let's face it, a romance takes your attention away from your kids and puts it onto your object of affection. You can't be all to everyone, someone would be short changed. So, I think the same thinking applies to caregiving elderly parents. While they may not need supervision in the sense that teens do and won't be throwing any wild parties, doing drugs etc lol they still need attention. Is it fair to another person? Do you have the extra time to devote to a relationship? Or do you just want something casual with an occasional dinner? How do you find someone who only wants something from time to time? Maybe you just need girl friends for an occasional outing to lunch or a movie instead? Sorry, don't have the answers. I'm same age as you and alone. Once the kids were old enough for me to date, I found the dating world viscious. Men were players, no one seemed to be a gentleman anymore, etc. I found it eroded my self esteem terribly. I gave up. I'm happier traveling and having occasional fun with women friends now. And honestly, men and remarriage are last things on my mind! Good luck to you :)
Wow...just checked in again...and OMG ... so many NO's!!! lol I don't think that anyone's experience other than your own matters...only because everyone's situation is different! If you have the time and energy and have the right guy that understands....GO FOR IT!!! Don't stop living if you don't have to!!! Good luck!
ajeaniej, you are so not alone and everyone will have a different perspective on this based on their individual situations and caregiver demands. i have been divorced for a very long time now and realize that a large part of my inability to develop functional long-term relationships with people is because my mother would intercept anyone who came too close to me to establish any type of relationship (friends, work or otherwise). My parent's and our family's dysfunction has come to the forefront now that my parents are aging. They are not that old (71 and 73), but are extremely codependent on each other (enmeshed) and emotionally dependent on me. They want me to be their sole source of happiness, but of course that happiness is defined by my only doing what "they" need and want me to do. They have no concern it seems for the fact that I have a life of my own and deserve to live it the way that I want to. Sometimes I regret never moving away from them after I became an adult. My life isn't and never has been "bad", but I think it would have been very different if I had developed healthy boundaries with my mother earlier in life. My mother is the most dependent because she has developed a pattern of getting her way by manipulating all of us, including Dad. She has anxiety disorder, OCD and is passive-aggressive (those are just the psychological ailments). She is the poster-child for codependency and dysfunctional coping patterns. She has become miserably depressed since she retired almost 10 years ago now. She is also a hypochondriac which has served her well over the years to keep us all at her beck and call. I went through a period of being very angry and resentful of her when I realized the dysfunction, but I am not anymore because I know why she is the way that she is. My brother is experiencing that stage right now. I feel that the resentment is natural and necessary to get us to a point of understanding. Neither my brother nor I are in relationships and we were never encouraged to marry. It was threatening to my mother's control over us from her perspective. We realize what has been happening now for many years and we are finally breaking the cycle! My brother is disillusioned over marriage (50 and never been married before), but I still have hope. I will not give up on finding the right man and I have faith that there are good men out there! This experience is restoring my faith in the power of love, that was slowly starting to dissipate. I am not my parents and I am learning from their relationship mistakes. My parents are fast approaching the need for assisted living, but I know that my brother and I will catch hell getting them to admit that they need it. Their plan was for one of us (preferably me) to move back in with them to wait on them...even though they are still physically and mentally capable of taking care of themselves. My mother had a minor stroke and is desperately trying to use it as a way to pull us back in to allowing her to manipulate us.
As all of this progresses, I do not plan to give up my life to end up like my mother. I am not angry and bitter over my life experiences...I am thankful for them, because they have shown me my mistakes and where I need to change. I know that the start of happiness begins from within the self and that you can't change anyone except yourself. If it's possible, I say balance your need for companionship out as best as you can without neglecting your elder's "real" eldercare needs. None of us deserves to be alone unless we just want to be. I don't think any of us wants to be...we are most often just unable to develop good coping mechanisms that keep us balanced and hopeful. A lot of depression comes into play with eldercare and the residual affects of dysfunctional family dynamics. I don't plan to go down without a fight! I will not allow my parents to make their unhappiness mine! I love them both, but can't want more for them than they want for themselves and I can't change the mistakes that they made that has brought them to where they are now. My prayer is for each of us who wants to be in a relationship, to find a good man or woman who understands and can bring effective coping mechanisms to our current situation.
Sorry wannek if it appeared like I was saying it's a competition of sorts. NOT AT ALL!! Guess what I was trying to get across is how I wished I was able to leave the house and go somewhere besides being here all the time. That's all. Hey, totally get how tiring and frustrating this is no matter what the case is.
Are your brother's married? Not that my SIL's helped but maybe yours are nicer...
I have since gotten laid off so i am putting in even more time with my folks and have the stress of trying to find work. So i know what you mean since now I'm even more consumed without going to work. As far as my brothers, they all help in their own way but only i can help mom hands on (bathroom, bathing) so covering me on the weekends don't really help. I know there are always people who have it better, and worse. It's definitely not a competition and certainly not one I'm looking to win. We all have our journey and personal experiences. I always give props to the 24/7 caregivers. My heart really goes out to them for the unbelievable people they are. But the rest of us still complain. Human nature. ...and we're all here for support
Well, it's still Saturday afternoon for me and since I am being a very unproductive citizen today, doesn't bother me at all to type...
Wannek, even IF you were dating someone outside of caregiving, they would still have to be flexible to accommodate your schedule. After reading your bio and some of your previous posts, wouldn't it be better if you convinced your brother to take a weekend for you? Or is he l like most siblings that do absolutely nothing?
It is a bit different for you than quite a few of us on here. We do/did 24/7 caring with no help. I would LOVE to have been able to work, that alone would have been company enough for me... but no, wasn't able to. All I talked about was caregiving with anyone who would listen to me LOL, I lived , ate and breathed it for so long...well 3 years. Which is why I said how unfair it would be on everyone... I'd worry by bf would leave me cuz I was too tired to do anything, much less get all primped and pretty. I'd worry about my parent's, would they feel like I was abandoning them or not giving proper care?... actually, I would be on the losing end now that I think about it... hmmm. Answer is still NO.
The loneliness, yes, totally understand, but it's not forever right? To me, it was just easier all the way around to deal with on my own errr, without a man,, would have liked my brothers to help but nope, not them either.
My conscious is totally clear now that all is said and done.
I think it would be hard to date another caregiver. One of us would have to have the flexibility of free time to accommodate us. It would be consuming and depressing as well assuming the conversation would be about our day. Although a lot of my friends aren't going through what i am, sometimes it's better this way when i see them we don't talk about it and it's more of a break. So here we are single gals typing on a Saturday night lol
WANNEK. I totally agree with you. I am 62 and probably will never have a relationship with a man again. I want that but my mom needs me. Men just don't want to date someone with that responsibility. I actually Don't blame them. It is depressing. I would love to meet a man who is caring for his parent.
Jesnette-although i am so lovely and wish i had an established partner, i dont so the only thing that i think about is just what you said, that i know i'm sound everything i can for my parents. I also tell friends and family with kids that they will be there, my parent's won't. I know this is for a period of time that in sacrificing. I just wish i had the positive outlet of enjoying any precious free time with someone, that's all.
New2this you're what i had hoped how men would treat me, but no. I'm 48, never been married, although I've had long relationships in the past. However, it's now been two years and although i understand all the suggestions regarding 'me' time and hanging with the girls, while that's all good, sorry it doesn't cut it for me. There is no substitute for intimacy with a man. My gf are fine but have their own lives. I want a steady guy in my life to comfort and love me. Someone to come home to after a rough day of caregiving , etc. It's just too hard to meet someone. First because i hardly go out, second, I'm mentally exhausted. It's different if i already had a bf, but when you first start dating someone the rules are different. So bottomline, it's very very lonely.
I so agree Lloyd and Jeanette...it would not be fair to anyone involved and honestly, especially not to me...that sounds almost selfish I suppose, but as I have chimed in on other threads...I just can't divide myself any further...My life right now, is Mama's...when and if "it" ever happened, I think it would have to be one of those moments where literally the angels sang and I saw a blinding light...I am completely used up emotionally...and whatever is left, belongs to my Mama now...for as long as she needs me...
I think there might be a few out there who understand...and I mean REALLY understand ...but they would be few and far between...and I am certainly not in an emotional place right now to even entertain the notion of dating....I don't even know if I will ever be there again....I have been here for everyone but myself for so long, I have finally got to be able to be happy just being alone at some poiont and feeling complete as a single person...before I would ever be able to be part of a successful relationship ...and honestly, I don't even want to be anymore....
I remember starting a thread just like this one several years ago. Both parent's were still alive but both needed constant watching. Anyway, fast forward a year...tired, depressed at the death of my father, constant care of mom who started the wandering/sundowning/36 hour pacing phase, I barely take time to shower and comb my hair, but mom sure looks pretty, and oh yea, who needs sleep?. Fast forward another year, exhausted both physically and mentally, mom now is in depends, no longer able to walk, needs assistance eating, I worry so much for safety and love her so much, I try and spend every moment with her, doing her nails, toes, hair...whatever makes her happy, and again, who needs sleep? Fast forward 7 months, mom goes on hospice, I'm sleeping on the couch now, scared she might die alone. My head is spinning at the enormity of what's happening before my eyes, repositioning her every few hours in her hospital bed, which is in the living room now, begging her to at least take a few sips of her ensure, disguising her meds in applesauce, finally using a syringe to feed her and give her water. I won't even go into the 1 pressure sore she developed. How myself and the entire hospice team, which included a wound care specialist, helplessly watched it eat a massive hole in the small of her back, we tried everything aside from floating her in the air. Fast forward to this very moment as I type this. The grief and sadness from holding both parent's while the died is overwhelming at times. Moms been gone 9 weeks now and I cry every day, missing them, feeling the emptiness surrounding me... working through my grief by finding myself again but some days are just so damn hard. Now I'm learning to be happy with just myself and my dogs. If I am not happy and content before I rush out wanting to date, then I won't be a happy person to date.
To make this very long story short, my answer is NO I would NOT date during my caregiving years. I feel it just wouldn't be fair on anyone. Not my parent's, not myself and especially the 3rd party. I was 47 when I started this journey, 51 now. I'm a better person knowing I gave my parent's my all helping them to their new life.
My answer would have to be no. I have been caring for my mother 24 x 7 for over seven years. She has dementia and is entirely dependent on me. Little help from my one sibling. I hire aides to come in to give me respite but it is very expensive at $25 per hour. Additionally, aides are not always available when you want (need) them. The aides have regular clients with set schedules that they can not break just because you desire coverage for such and such a day/time.
I'm not in a good frame of mind for dating. I'm grieving the loss of my mother, I'm frustrated that this wonderful human being has to suffer like this for so long, I'm angry that my own life has been put on hold. I'm emotionally fragile but I am staying strong for myself and my mother. To reference a 70s song by the Ohio Players, being on a love roller coaster would not be good for my mental health right now. Also, human nature being what it is, I think that a triangle that would develop if I did eventually commit to be excusive with someone.
Since I started this trek, without even trying I have had indications of interest from a few woman that I found very attractive. I listened to my head instead of my heart and did not follow through with any type of invitation. In a couple of cases I mentioned the burdens of taking care of a demented person but that did not appear to register. By their actions it appeared that they thought I was blowing them off by using my mother as an excuse.
For me the answer is NO....Not only do I not have the energy for it with all the other responsibility of this, I literally have no desire whatsoever to date. I have had a few former high school classmates ask me "out" (which is non doable anyway...) and I can tell from what they say they have zero idea of what life as a caregiver is like...It actually makes me angry for a man to keep bugging me about wanting to come over, cook out, let him sit with Mama....No..no NO..NO and NO......I love Mama, I cherish my time with her...that is all I am thinking of now...and later on , IF I am still here afterwards...I doubt I will have any interest in dating then...but that is more on me, but I have spent my entire life having to be someone else's carer, entertainer, landscaper, errand girl...I am DONE......For the first time in my entire life (now 56) I am going to hopefully have some time to actually do some things I always wanted to do....sorry, I strayed off topic....
That's true, Freqflyer. Sometimes it's easier to fight these battles alone - at least when the other person living with you is fighting everything you think is right.
Life has few easy answers for many people. It's lonely to carry the problems alone but it's terribly hard to have to defend your stance all of the time.
Take care everyone - great to see the support you all have for each other. Carol
I guess it depends on the person you find. if you explain up front what your expectations are, either they are mindful of that or they aren't. you will find out soon enough. I am so thankful for my husband. even though my father is in NH, my mom is 88 and lives 2 houses away from me. she pretty much can go all for herself at this time, but the other day I went up (thank God), she had falled backwards into the tub (trying to vaccum a small rug), lost balance. she was like that for 1/2 hour. I called hubby and he came to help me get her up. he checked her head to make sure she didn't hit it. Well guess what, she is now wearing the "emergency" band (which my brother pays for) that she has had for almost 1 year. I think this scared her knowing that I might not have came up for another day. So just be up front with whomever you date (get someone to watch your mom for that time period) and either they will be patient or not. good luck.
It might be less stressful and actually more positive and fun if you aimed for just having a guy friend to hang out with periodically. A date sometimes tends to want you to make them the center of your life, whereas a guy friend.....well, they are there for you if you need them. Friendship is the foundation of a good relationship anyway. If they can be there for you in these tough times, then it's a good sign for going the next level later..... cadams
Great response razzleberry. It's never too late to meet someone. My exDIL's mom met and married someone when she was 52 after being alone for 25 years. It can happen. Be careful on dating sites. It's a jungle out there!
Lucymom501 I agree! I can't take one more person pulling at me, vying for my time, having to primp for dates, them telling me to just not answer my phone. I am exhausted and barely have time to pay my own bills, errands, hair and nails. Someday! Romance novels and Turner Classic movies for now. I'm taking care of both my parents with help from my sis and a CNA.
There are times I wish I lived alone, without a sig other who keeps adding to the stress.... he has zero patience with my parents [who live elsewhere], and when he does help out all I hear for days later are complaints about this or that regarding my parents... [sigh].
Carol
Care of Me ? Wouldn't that melt Your Heart. I kissed Mom good night every night, while reassuring Her that I would always be with Her to take good Care of Her, and that I would keep Her safe...these words gave Mom the greatest security and peace. When My Mother died from Alzheimer's I cried My Heart out for three months +. Enjoy the Time You have Left.
Yes it is possible. It's like everything else. Sharing your life with the people you care for needs to be done. Why not bring them with you on your date for starters. You might even find a caring person who would be willing to assist you😊😇
Have fun with the job and with the consumer. Lots of luck to you
I agree with making your life as good as possible at present, but I disagree with the poster who said not to attempt to look for a date if that is what you want. I was on my own for 15 years before I decided to look for a companion. I did this by joining online dating sites. It was a huge learning experience. I had to screen and weed out many people, but eventually we found one another and, with much work, our relationship grows.
I cannot speak to the situation of a hands on caregiver, which is more demanding on a minute by minute, hour by hour basis, however, as we know, that does not last forever. I believe that it is never too late to find a companion,and know of others who have met someone later in life. Just wanted to encourage you. (((((((hugs))))))
How do you find someone who only wants something from time to time? Maybe you just need girl friends for an occasional outing to lunch or a movie instead?
Sorry, don't have the answers. I'm same age as you and alone. Once the kids were old enough for me to date, I found the dating world viscious. Men were players, no one seemed to be a gentleman anymore, etc. I found it eroded my self esteem terribly. I gave up. I'm happier traveling and having occasional fun with women friends now. And honestly, men and remarriage are last things on my mind! Good luck to you :)
As all of this progresses, I do not plan to give up my life to end up like my mother. I am not angry and bitter over my life experiences...I am thankful for them, because they have shown me my mistakes and where I need to change. I know that the start of happiness begins from within the self and that you can't change anyone except yourself. If it's possible, I say balance your need for companionship out as best as you can without neglecting your elder's "real" eldercare needs. None of us deserves to be alone unless we just want to be. I don't think any of us wants to be...we are most often just unable to develop good coping mechanisms that keep us balanced and hopeful. A lot of depression comes into play with eldercare and the residual affects of dysfunctional family dynamics. I don't plan to go down without a fight! I will not allow my parents to make their unhappiness mine! I love them both, but can't want more for them than they want for themselves and I can't change the mistakes that they made that has brought them to where they are now. My prayer is for each of us who wants to be in a relationship, to find a good man or woman who understands and can bring effective coping mechanisms to our current situation.
Are your brother's married? Not that my SIL's helped but maybe yours are nicer...
Do you live with your parent's?
Wannek, even IF you were dating someone outside of caregiving, they would still have to be flexible to accommodate your schedule. After reading your bio and some of your previous posts, wouldn't it be better if you convinced your brother to take a weekend for you? Or is he l like most siblings that do absolutely nothing?
It is a bit different for you than quite a few of us on here. We do/did 24/7 caring with no help. I would LOVE to have been able to work, that alone would have been company enough for me... but no, wasn't able to. All I talked about was caregiving with anyone who would listen to me LOL, I lived , ate and breathed it for so long...well 3 years. Which is why I said how unfair it would be on everyone... I'd worry by bf would leave me cuz I was too tired to do anything, much less get all primped and pretty. I'd worry about my parent's, would they feel like I was abandoning them or not giving proper care?... actually, I would be on the losing end now that I think about it... hmmm. Answer is still NO.
The loneliness, yes, totally understand, but it's not forever right? To me, it was just easier all the way around to deal with on my own errr, without a man,, would have liked my brothers to help but nope, not them either.
My conscious is totally clear now that all is said and done.
Jesnette-although i am so lovely and wish i had an established partner, i dont so the only thing that i think about is just what you said, that i know i'm sound everything i can for my parents.
I also tell friends and family with kids that they will be there, my parent's won't. I know this is for a period of time that in sacrificing. I just wish i had the positive outlet of enjoying any precious free time with someone, that's all.
I think there might be a few out there who understand...and I mean REALLY understand ...but they would be few and far between...and I am certainly not in an emotional place right now to even entertain the notion of dating....I don't even know if I will ever be there again....I have been here for everyone but myself for so long, I have finally got to be able to be happy just being alone at some poiont and feeling complete as a single person...before I would ever be able to be part of a successful relationship ...and honestly, I don't even want to be anymore....
To make this very long story short, my answer is NO I would NOT date during my caregiving years. I feel it just wouldn't be fair on anyone. Not my parent's, not myself and especially the 3rd party. I was 47 when I started this journey, 51 now. I'm a better person knowing I gave my parent's my all helping them to their new life.
I'm not in a good frame of mind for dating. I'm grieving the loss of my mother, I'm frustrated that this wonderful human being has to suffer like this for so long, I'm angry that my own life has been put on hold. I'm emotionally fragile but I am staying strong for myself and my mother. To reference a 70s song by the Ohio Players, being on a love roller coaster would not be good for my mental health right now. Also, human nature being what it is, I think that a triangle that would develop if I did eventually commit to be excusive with someone.
Since I started this trek, without even trying I have had indications of interest from a few woman that I found very attractive. I listened to my head instead of my heart and did not follow through with any type of invitation. In a couple of cases I mentioned the burdens of taking care of a demented person but that did not appear to register. By their actions it appeared that they thought I was blowing them off by using my mother as an excuse.
Life has few easy answers for many people. It's lonely to carry the problems alone but it's terribly hard to have to defend your stance all of the time.
Take care everyone - great to see the support you all have for each other.
Carol
So, be careful what you wish for :P