Your life is not over. And being in a relationship should not be your goal. Get someone to stay with mom once or twice a month and get out and do something for yourself. Whether it's going to church, the movies, the library or taking a class or whatever. Don't focus on being single, focus on making yourself a happier, more relaxed, empowered person in charge of their own life. Others are drawn to that type of person. This is only a small slice of your life and mom will be gone (too soon). Cherish the time you have with her but take care of yourself also.
Yes, this is definitely very possible if you have someone who can stay with your mom while you go on a date. Sometimes caregivers just need to get away and take care of themselves to help prevent burnout.
Imf1958's response was excellent. Sounds like you feel burdened by your responsibility, you need to focus on keeping yourself healthy, both physically and emotionally. Go to a support group or exercise class. Figure out what you are going to do next, after your mother passes or goes into assisted living or memory care. There are many free courses on Coursera.org. You can learn new stuff while caring for your mother. Maybe you can learn to mediate to calm yourself. This period will not last forever,
Caregiving is a very common subject. Most understand or try to, at least. I hope I have the desire to date if I make it 62. I have noticed that when I bring MIL around with me ...out... I run into other caregivers in the same boat as me.I see the other caregivers as a "support group" and I do go to actual support groups (they provide "free" activities for MIL while I'm there) I meet and debrief it's rejuvenating. ( I Googled adult care support groups in my area and found 2 free groups) Definitely find a companion(babysitter) it's an expense but so worth it in the end. I found a companion that would care for MIL at her house, so I bring MIL there and pick her up. It wasn't easy but I introduced her as a friend and stayed with them the first few times. Now when I ask if MIL wants to go to Emily's house for coffee, she gets excited. It's an extra chore to get her up and out of the house and costs a significant amount......but I get a day to myself or with husband. I hope you can work things out, your life is so not over.
It's not easy to have a personal life and be a caregiver. Some potential dates will understand that you can't be as flexible as someone without these ties, but many good people will. Here's an article that discusses the topic:
It's been very slim for me. I have one friend that really understands and all we talk about is mom 60% of the time. Then I have a different friend that doesn't really "get it" which makes getting together - not so flexible. My mom is very difficult to deal with and I crave companionship outside of my daily grind with her. I just want a life of my own again. If she were nice it would be easier.
Nearly 22 years ago, on the day my Dad died, I promised him I would take care of Mom. Even though she doesn't live with me I have been the one to take her shopping, to the doctor, dentist, etc. She can be difficult and demanding at times and has alienated my four older siblings. The stress was a major factor in the end of an already shaky 25 year marriage, and has caused the end of a couple relationships before they even got started. She recently moved to an assisted living facility after several falls and "cooking mishaps". I thought this would give me time for myself, but it's actually gotten worse. So. Yes...dating or even established relationships can be negatively impacted by the role of caretaker. I don't have any answers, but at least you know you're not alone out there!
The answer is no for me. I'll be 43 next month, and I've been on one date my entire life. That's on me for not being attractive but my mother, when she was alive, would have attacked any potential suitors. Now, I have to give my father medication every 12 hours, and a potential date wouldn't like me saying that I must always be home by 9. I can't even go by myself to a movie or plays that go that late for that reason. My brother won't watch my dad, and he won't take medication from strangers. But, it's not caregiving that's at fault for not dating. I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
I would say it would be very hard. I too promised my dad as he passed that I would care for my mum. The road is hard at times but I would do it over again. Im essentially the sole carer for my mum. I'm focussing on trying to maintain a few friends that I try to have a lunch with every few months. I actually appreciate it that they are not in the same position as me as it helps me to reset my radar to " normal" whatever that is. I figure me time will come all too soon. Also connecting with my extended family every 6 weeks or so always at my house with mum and learning to just be in the moment and truly appreciate their company. I love this site. It helps me to realise not alone that even in my worst days others are doing it tough also.
By the time the day is over, the last thing on my mind is dating. My energy and emotional level are just not there and it's not fair to someone else to drag them into my mess. In the process now of moving dad to an assisted living memory unit. 5 live in aides and 3 agencies in less than 3 months. Dad has no stimulation at home and no stability with a parade of caregivers in and out. So...dad is my date until I get him settled. Best of luck to you!
My friend who cares for her mother in her home (Alzheimers, COPD), makes time for dating. She has a caregiver every Saturday evening. It is not the time to make future plans like marriage or moving. But if your date truly respects your immense responsibilty and does not whine about it or make further demands on you, it is possible to have someone in your life. If they increase your stress, you absolutely need to stop dating them if you are a primary caregiver.
Dating doesn't have always be in person and for extended hours. It doesn't have to be a traditional date where you leave the house and go someplace. You can have long telephone calls, e-mail regularly, and when you do have a caregiver to come in you can slip away even just for coffee.
You're only 62 - I wish I was that young again! I'd do a lot over, beginning with arranging for respite care, whether it's through you or your mother's church, your friends, or an agency. Even if you don't get out of the house, go into another room and get some down time. These little breaks will help you see life more positively, and that will help in approaching options for the limited dating time.
Support groups are wonderful if you can find them; if not, think about starting your own.
Libraries have free musical concerts in our area; check them out; perhaps join a book club - you might meet someone who shares your interests and you can actually consider the meetings a substitute date.
Don't let yourself be trapped in a negative thought mode; think not "will I ever" but "how can I"?
I am dealing with even more stress than most, and I feel the pain and loss of life all others have shared here. I care for my mother in hospice at home (stage IV cancer, the same one that killed my brother at age 40 20 years ago). I have to do everything for her: dress/food/shopping etc. I do have aids coming in while am at work (2-10 pm) but I find days off am running and doing all for house and her, plus working with lawyer as we are losing our home of 39 years to foreclosure so am losing all I know in next year or so. Will ahve to move out of ny as its too expemsive..maybe live in my car or soemthing so for me even trying to find a date has been impossible. If you are lucky to find a date that understands your situtation, you are blessed but for most part, even when I do go out, I feel guilty, despite am on burnout for months now..I just keep going....
I'm married and feel like life is over or at least postponed. My husband is very understanding and takes care of our home and cats while I live with my mom. He often comes here after work for dinner, but our conversations are too often reduced to poop and pee and how disgusted I am with the whole thing. My true friends are very understanding and do come visit me, so all is not totally lost, but it has only been a couple of months!
Ii think you need time to breathe, i KNOW you need time to breathe. LMF1958 DEFINITELY has it right, take the time for you. Some dates may get it, most will not. That will lead to bigger frustration, take time for a movie with a friend, an ice cream in the park on your own. Caregivers get depleted, don't lose yourself in the process. Stay healthy, go out with friends, looking for a partner may lead to an unhealthy relationship due to all the wrong reasons. When it's time, that person will find you no matter what. Think it over.
I'm sure that this is a difficult time for you. Think about a married couple with children for a minute. The parents need to have date night to manage the needs that they require to be good parents to there children. You need to have date night yourself to feel good and be a great caregiver to your mom. You may have some planning to do having someone come in for the day or night, but it can happen right! As far as the person that you go out with, they must be understanding. If they can't handle it then they are not the right person for you. I hope this helps you! Be good to yourself.
I think it is entirely possible. Unless you are saying you are on shift 24/7 with no back up people.
When I was fresh out of business school I went from casual friends to dating a guy who was taking care of his Mother. (She had major mental issues, was in and out of facilities all of her life, her husband died young, and she had no other kids.) I thought it was sweet that he would help her like that around his working a full time job and taking care of a house/yard/etc. It didn't put me off if that is what you mean. But, I was very busy with my own things, so I wasn't looking to spend a ton of time with anyone, (a couple of hours once or twice a week was plenty during the getting to know each other phase), plus I've always been very flexible. If he showed up to pick me up for a date and said I hope you don't mind, I kind of need to pick up a prescription for my Mom and take it to her, it didn't bother me. I'd already cleared that block of time as far as my schedule, didn't care what we did together during "our" time. It didn't bother me later either as things progressed, it was just part of his life. No different than guys that are tied to a job that requires some nights and weekends, or sports teams, or hobbies. If someone really likes you, it shouldn't matter to them. I married him, almost 30 years ago. :-)
Don't the hospice people handle dressing and feeding of your mother? This was one of their responsibilities in the hospice situation of which I'm aware which did occur at home. You might want to discuss this with them to see how much they can do to help relieve your own responsibilities.
Is the house being foreclosed by equity (through a lawsuit) or advertisement?
As to the foreclosure, this is just a guess and I don't know if it's possible, but has your lawyer attempted to get a forbearance agreement, based on something such as partial payments, and also based on undue hardship because of your mother's terminal cancer?
If you could make partial payments, that could be grounds for a forbearance agreement. This would provide that the lender wouldn't foreclose if you met the terms of the agreement. If the lender is Bank of America, you're probably out of luck. But it wouldn't hurt to try if the lender is more reasonable.
We did this in commercial settings, and I do know that Bank of America did make that option available for underwater residential mortgages. The difference though is that BofA made the terms and conditions so unreasonable that they couldn't be met.
You should also have received a list of debt/loan counselors who could assist you with dealing with the lender. Have any of them been contacted?
New2This, thanks for sharing excellent insight into the flexibility that's required for 2 people to share, grow and handle tough situations. It's heartwarming to reach of such a positive and thoughtful approach.
First of all, to moondance....why did you say, "That is really funny....I am really amused by your question. Good luck"?? The question asked is far from "amusing", as far as I'm concerned. I have lived with my Dad (soon to be 90) for over 2 years, after my step Mother passed away. Two days after she passed away, my Dad asked me if I could move in with him. When he first asked me that, I didn't honestly know what to say! At the age of 51, I certainly didn't see myself living at "home", at this point of my life. After thinking about it, for about a week, I told him that I would do that, for "him". After all, he is one that brought me into this world and has been supportive of me all of these years. I felt that I owed him this. When I have asked friends about me dating and what to say to potential dates, all of my friends told me, "If a woman can't understand/support what you are doing for your Dad, you don't want that woman in your life!". When I thought about that, my friends are absolutely right. I have a woman that lives over 2 hours away, that understands/supports my situation, but the distance makes it very difficult. I do all of the necessary things to maintain the home. When I do all of the "shopping", on Saturday, when I'm finished, I meet up with my friends for a couple of hours simply to cleanse myself and try to not think about what I have to do for the next 6 days. I take him to all of his Dr appointments (diagnosed with throat cancer over a year ago), make meals and all of the other chores to maintain a home. My 2 older siblings basically don't have anything to do with Dad. One stops to see him once a week or two weeks. The other sees him maybe once a year, if he has the time. I can't understand how they can treat Dad that way, but it's not my problem. As much as I would love to have a relationship with a woman, being the caretaker for my Dad makes it extremely difficult, but we all know that life doesn't last forever. I am so thankful for my friends, that I get together with every week. If it weren't for them, I think I would fold. Just try to stay the course and like I said...we all know that life doesn't last forever and it's up to "us" to help those that allowed us to have a "life".
Thank you, GardenArtist! Also, thank you, for asking Moondance about the comment. This is FAR from "amusing" and unless you "live" in this situation, you have NO idea what it's like and you should be very "Thankful"! My bedroom is located in the basement, directly below my Dad's bedroom. Every night, I sleep with one ear tuned in, to what is going on upstairs. I have got up several nights to check on him walking around and have had to literally pick him up off the floor 3 nights. It's very wearing and yes, I DO feel as though I'm doing something "wrong" IF I go out to have some fun and I know that I shouldn't feel that we, but I know that we all DO! My Dad doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and I can TOTALLY understand that. I'm going to continue doing my best to keep him from going there and just hope that I'm able to keep myself together while doing so!
I know a man in late 50s who has been caring for 90 something mother for 10 years. He works full time job. He just started dating a full time professional care taker a few months ago. ( after being separated for over 12 years and divorced for a couple of years and not looking). He says they enjoy today, don't worry about tomorrow. Each understands the issues of care taking and support one another. So yes it happens in answer to your question. Here's the funny part, they met in a karaoke bar.( odd occurrence for each). Had no idea about each other's back ground. Kismet. His grown children seem to be puzzled at this new man and his mother in her usual cutting to the chase manner asked him if he was getting married. When he told her no, she seemed to accept that he could have a fuller life and wasn't leaving her just yet. Of course it could all change tomorrow but that is the way of life.
HelpingDad, there have been posts about similar situations of seniors falling at night. If I recall correctly, there were discussions about what monitors might be available. I think that the baby monitors with something like a transponder in the parent's room and a receiver in the caregiver's room were discussed. There also might have been some type of motion detector discussed as well.
I know well the feeling that a caregiver's time needs to be prioritized for the elder first and foremost, and I'm sure there are people here who could speak more eloquently about their personal experiences with this issue.
I also don't think it's unusual to feel guilty about going out to enjoy oneself, but it's probably one of the best remedies available to caregivers. A good, relaxing, enjoyable time away from the caring environment can be refreshing, revitalizing, and help carry through for the next day or week or month or hopefully longer.
Thanks, GardenArtist. I will look into a baby monitor. I had thought about that previously, but as he's aging quickly and his balance is far from "good", it's probably time to get one. I'm going to continue to "get out" for a couple of hours every week, or at least until it's unsafe for me to do so. Those 2-3 hours really makes me feel good and I thoroughly enjoy that time "off"!
You don't say whether you live with ur parent or they live with you. If with you, you should have some SS, maybe a pension? If so, use some of it for a sitter. I can't see why you can't have a relationship of somekind. The right person will understand. I don't feel we need to give up our lives totally. And for a parent that feels we should....is selfish. There needs to be compromise. When parents get to where they can't take care of themselves we need to take over. Our responsibility is to make sure they are safe, fed and clean. If the money is there, find a nice AL. When I'm 85 my one daughter will be 58 the other 50. I don't expect them to give up their jobs that will end up effecting their future. I have a home that can be sold and money invested. I plan on using that for my and husbands care. The only thing I expect frrom my girls is to be there for us. Make sure we r safe and getting what we need.
ajeanie, in My case and I'm 55 years young, also single but I am honestly consumed by My role as 24/7 carer to My Mom Who's got Alzheimer's with over two and a half years. I wouldn't wish to be anywhere else, since My Mother is a real Sweetheart, and always looked out for Me, this is My time to give back to My Mum, and I'm glad to be able. It would be a NO from Me. Zombie never say that You are not attractive because real beauty comes from deep within Your Soul. You cared for Your Mum before She passed away, now You are caring for Your Dad..that tells Me that You are a really kind, and decent, wonderful Lady, if that isn't beauty..I do not know what is.
Well, from someone who knows all too well I can tell you from a caregiver in marriage.It's Not easy at all. My mom lives with me so you can imagine that space, and privacy certainly is an issue. However, their is light at the end of the tunnel, or I am thinking so anyhow! If you meet someone who wants you for you then believe it or not they will be accepting of whatever your situation may be. All the suggestions given were great, but if you want someone special in your life I see no point in putting it on the back burner. Best of luck, and take care of your self too. Something I wish I could remember to do more often.K
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-and-dating-relationships-142878.htm
Good luck,
Carol
Good luck.
Dating doesn't have always be in person and for extended hours. It doesn't have to be a traditional date where you leave the house and go someplace. You can have long telephone calls, e-mail regularly, and when you do have a caregiver to come in you can slip away even just for coffee.
You're only 62 - I wish I was that young again! I'd do a lot over, beginning with arranging for respite care, whether it's through you or your mother's church, your friends, or an agency. Even if you don't get out of the house, go into another room and get some down time. These little breaks will help you see life more positively, and that will help in approaching options for the limited dating time.
Support groups are wonderful if you can find them; if not, think about starting your own.
Libraries have free musical concerts in our area; check them out; perhaps join a book club - you might meet someone who shares your interests and you can actually consider the meetings a substitute date.
Don't let yourself be trapped in a negative thought mode; think not "will I ever" but "how can I"?
When I was fresh out of business school I went from casual friends to dating a guy who was taking care of his Mother. (She had major mental issues, was in and out of facilities all of her life, her husband died young, and she had no other kids.) I thought it was sweet that he would help her like that around his working a full time job and taking care of a house/yard/etc. It didn't put me off if that is what you mean. But, I was very busy with my own things, so I wasn't looking to spend a ton of time with anyone, (a couple of hours once or twice a week was plenty during the getting to know each other phase), plus I've always been very flexible. If he showed up to pick me up for a date and said I hope you don't mind, I kind of need to pick up a prescription for my Mom and take it to her, it didn't bother me. I'd already cleared that block of time as far as my schedule, didn't care what we did together during "our" time. It didn't bother me later either as things progressed, it was just part of his life. No different than guys that are tied to a job that requires some nights and weekends, or sports teams, or hobbies. If someone really likes you, it shouldn't matter to them. I married him, almost 30 years ago. :-)
Don't the hospice people handle dressing and feeding of your mother? This was one of their responsibilities in the hospice situation of which I'm aware which did occur at home. You might want to discuss this with them to see how much they can do to help relieve your own responsibilities.
Is the house being foreclosed by equity (through a lawsuit) or advertisement?
As to the foreclosure, this is just a guess and I don't know if it's possible, but has your lawyer attempted to get a forbearance agreement, based on something such as partial payments, and also based on undue hardship because of your mother's terminal cancer?
If you could make partial payments, that could be grounds for a forbearance agreement. This would provide that the lender wouldn't foreclose if you met the terms of the agreement. If the lender is Bank of America, you're probably out of luck. But it wouldn't hurt to try if the lender is more reasonable.
We did this in commercial settings, and I do know that Bank of America did make that option available for underwater residential mortgages. The difference though is that BofA made the terms and conditions so unreasonable that they couldn't be met.
You should also have received a list of debt/loan counselors who could assist you with dealing with the lender. Have any of them been contacted?
I have lived with my Dad (soon to be 90) for over 2 years, after my step Mother passed away. Two days after she passed away, my Dad asked me if I could move in with him. When he first asked me that, I didn't honestly know what to say! At the age of 51, I certainly didn't see myself living at "home", at this point of my life. After thinking about it, for about a week, I told him that I would do that, for "him". After all, he is one that brought me into this world and has been supportive of me all of these years. I felt that I owed him this.
When I have asked friends about me dating and what to say to potential dates, all of my friends told me, "If a woman can't understand/support what you are doing for your Dad, you don't want that woman in your life!". When I thought about that, my friends are absolutely right. I have a woman that lives over 2 hours away, that understands/supports my situation, but the distance makes it very difficult.
I do all of the necessary things to maintain the home. When I do all of the "shopping", on Saturday, when I'm finished, I meet up with my friends for a couple of hours simply to cleanse myself and try to not think about what I have to do for the next 6 days. I take him to all of his Dr appointments (diagnosed with throat cancer over a year ago), make meals and all of the other chores to maintain a home. My 2 older siblings basically don't have anything to do with Dad. One stops to see him once a week or two weeks. The other sees him maybe once a year, if he has the time. I can't understand how they can treat Dad that way, but it's not my problem.
As much as I would love to have a relationship with a woman, being the caretaker for my Dad makes it extremely difficult, but we all know that life doesn't last forever. I am so thankful for my friends, that I get together with every week. If it weren't for them, I think I would fold.
Just try to stay the course and like I said...we all know that life doesn't last forever and it's up to "us" to help those that allowed us to have a "life".
Moondance, I also was wondering about your comment. Why did you find it amusing? I thought it was kind of sad.
My bedroom is located in the basement, directly below my Dad's bedroom. Every night, I sleep with one ear tuned in, to what is going on upstairs. I have got up several nights to check on him walking around and have had to literally pick him up off the floor 3 nights.
It's very wearing and yes, I DO feel as though I'm doing something "wrong" IF I go out to have some fun and I know that I shouldn't feel that we, but I know that we all DO!
My Dad doesn't want to end up in a nursing home and I can TOTALLY understand that. I'm going to continue doing my best to keep him from going there and just hope that I'm able to keep myself together while doing so!
I know well the feeling that a caregiver's time needs to be prioritized for the elder first and foremost, and I'm sure there are people here who could speak more eloquently about their personal experiences with this issue.
I also don't think it's unusual to feel guilty about going out to enjoy oneself, but it's probably one of the best remedies available to caregivers. A good, relaxing, enjoyable time away from the caring environment can be refreshing, revitalizing, and help carry through for the next day or week or month or hopefully longer.
Zombie never say that You are not attractive because real beauty comes from deep within Your Soul. You cared for Your Mum before She passed away, now You are caring for Your Dad..that tells Me that You are a really kind, and decent, wonderful Lady, if that isn't beauty..I do not know what is.