Follow
Share

I feel my life is over. Single at 62 and caring for Mom.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
It's not easy to have a personal life and be a caregiver. Some potential dates will understand that you can't be as flexible as someone without these ties, but many good people will. Here's an article that discusses the topic:

https://www.agingcare.com/articles/caregivers-and-dating-relationships-142878.htm

Good luck,
Carol
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Your life is not over. And being in a relationship should not be your goal. Get someone to stay with mom once or twice a month and get out and do something for yourself. Whether it's going to church, the movies, the library or taking a class or whatever. Don't focus on being single, focus on making yourself a happier, more relaxed, empowered person in charge of their own life. Others are drawn to that type of person. This is only a small slice of your life and mom will be gone (too soon). Cherish the time you have with her but take care of yourself also.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

Nearly 22 years ago, on the day my Dad died, I promised him I would take care of Mom. Even though she doesn't live with me I have been the one to take her shopping, to the doctor, dentist, etc. She can be difficult and demanding at times and has alienated my four older siblings. The stress was a major factor in the end of an already shaky 25 year marriage, and has caused the end of a couple relationships before they even got started. She recently moved to an assisted living facility after several falls and "cooking mishaps". I thought this would give me time for myself, but it's actually gotten worse. So. Yes...dating or even established relationships can be negatively impacted by the role of caretaker. I don't have any answers, but at least you know you're not alone out there!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I would say it would be very hard. I too promised my dad as he passed that I would care for my mum. The road is hard at times but I would do it over again. Im essentially the sole carer for my mum. I'm focussing on trying to maintain a few friends that I try to have a lunch with every few months. I actually appreciate it that they are not in the same position as me as it helps me to reset my radar to " normal" whatever that is. I figure me time will come all too soon. Also connecting with my extended family every 6 weeks or so always at my house with mum and learning to just be in the moment and truly appreciate their company. I love this site. It helps me to realise not alone that even in my worst days others are doing it tough also.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I think it is entirely possible. Unless you are saying you are on shift 24/7 with no back up people.

When I was fresh out of business school I went from casual friends to dating a guy who was taking care of his Mother. (She had major mental issues, was in and out of facilities all of her life, her husband died young, and she had no other kids.) I thought it was sweet that he would help her like that around his working a full time job and taking care of a house/yard/etc. It didn't put me off if that is what you mean. But, I was very busy with my own things, so I wasn't looking to spend a ton of time with anyone, (a couple of hours once or twice a week was plenty during the getting to know each other phase), plus I've always been very flexible. If he showed up to pick me up for a date and said I hope you don't mind, I kind of need to pick up a prescription for my Mom and take it to her, it didn't bother me. I'd already cleared that block of time as far as my schedule, didn't care what we did together during "our" time. It didn't bother me later either as things progressed, it was just part of his life. No different than guys that are tied to a job that requires some nights and weekends, or sports teams, or hobbies. If someone really likes you, it shouldn't matter to them. I married him, almost 30 years ago. :-)
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Imf1958's response was excellent. Sounds like you feel burdened by your responsibility, you need to focus on keeping yourself healthy, both physically and emotionally. Go to a support group or exercise class. Figure out what you are going to do next, after your mother passes or goes into assisted living or memory care. There are many free courses on Coursera.org. You can learn new stuff while caring for your mother. Maybe you can learn to mediate to calm yourself. This period will not last forever,
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

The answer is no for me. I'll be 43 next month, and I've been on one date my entire life. That's on me for not being attractive but my mother, when she was alive, would have attacked any potential suitors. Now, I have to give my father medication every 12 hours, and a potential date wouldn't like me saying that I must always be home by 9. I can't even go by myself to a movie or plays that go that late for that reason. My brother won't watch my dad, and he won't take medication from strangers. But, it's not caregiving that's at fault for not dating. I'll be alone for the rest of my life.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Caregiving is a very common subject. Most understand or try to, at least. I hope I have the desire to date if I make it 62. I have noticed that when I bring MIL around with me ...out... I run into other caregivers in the same boat as me.I see the other caregivers as a "support group" and I do go to actual support groups (they provide "free" activities for MIL while I'm there) I meet and debrief it's rejuvenating. ( I Googled adult care support groups in my area and found 2 free groups) Definitely find a companion(babysitter) it's an expense but so worth it in the end. I found a companion that would care for MIL at her house, so I bring MIL there and pick her up. It wasn't easy but I introduced her as a friend and stayed with them the first few times. Now when I ask if MIL wants to go to Emily's house for coffee, she gets excited. It's an extra chore to get her up and out of the house and costs a significant amount......but I get a day to myself or with husband. I hope you can work things out, your life is so not over.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Yes, this is definitely very possible if you have someone who can stay with your mom while you go on a date. Sometimes caregivers just need to get away and take care of themselves to help prevent burnout.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

By the time the day is over, the last thing on my mind is dating. My energy and emotional level are just not there and it's not fair to someone else to drag them into my mess. In the process now of moving dad to an assisted living memory unit. 5 live in aides and 3 agencies in less than 3 months. Dad has no stimulation at home and no stability with a parade of caregivers in and out. So...dad is my date until I get him settled. Best of luck to you!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.