Dad wants to marry my mother’s caregiver. Any advice?

Geez, give it a rest. Maggie has not been here since JUNE 23.

Maggie, I didn't read all the comments so maybe this has been covered. In one response you said, "I think we just need to say congratulations, glad you are happy, and support him. I’m coming to accept, I suppose." I think that is a good idea, be nice and polite to her, like it or not, she is going to be a member of your family. Remember, mostly it is the women who arrange social gatherings.

I am 88 and hubby is 90, so I can speak with some experience on this matter. We married when I was 65 and he was 67. He had been a bachelor all of his life. Some of his family thought I was after his money. When they told him he shouldn't marry me, guess what happened. They didn't know I had only a little bit less than he did. We both had 2 houses, RVs, etc. My brother remarried in his 70's to a gal 24 years younger than him. They celebrated their 9th anniversary last week. They are very happy and she takes good care of him.

Now, to be blunt, I would bet money they are having sex. Probably great sex in bed, on the couch, living room floor, etc. You are never in this world be able to compete with that. So, you might as well be nice so you can see him. He is a man and if it comes to you or great sex with a nice woman, you will lose.

We were sexually active until hubby was about 86 when his Alzheimer took that away. My brother who will be 84 in October and his wife are still having sex. So, you might as well welcome her into the fold because that is the way it is. As long as she is good to him, be happy for him. If he spends all his money on her, so what? The state will take care of him if he has no money. Not everyone has to go into a home. My mother lived by herself until 2 weeks before she died at 94. My aunt on my Dad's side did the same.

So….Lets say “Maria” decides to go back to Mexico…..

Thats what some r wanting. Well, watch what you wish for….
There is absolutely nothing to keep Dad from going to visit her AND they find a place AND dad moves to Mexico AND they marry.
He’s a 60 yr old widower, free to travel & remarry anyone he chooses. There are whole enclaves in Cuernavaca, San Miguel de Allende, Guadalajara, Polanco/Las Lomas in el DF, Chapala, etc that are filled with American expats & many married to nationals. Your Dad & his new bride can find someplace wonderful for a fraction of US costs!

As an aside on this, Guadalajara has a beyond huge US population and is especially chosen by retirees as it has a medical school (UAG) and it’s clinic system that is pretty much totally bilingual. UAG is destanacion numero uno for US kids who cannot get into medical school in the US, so go 2 UAG then enter US as a FMG / foreign medical grad & do US residency / fellowship or enlist in Army / USAF and do residency via military medical system @ Brooke/Willford Hall.

As a matter of fact, for expats marrying a Mexican National is very much a good move…… if your spouse is a National, then you can buy land that is coastal. Not the limiting “lifetime lease” that noncitizens are stuck with. But actually buy waterfront. Si, es la neta!

Fwiw for those of us who have been on AC for a while, 1 of the elder law attorneys (GH) who was an expert on AC now lives in San Miguel.

There is not much proof Maria is is a scammer - could be - but Dad at 60 is of sound mind. Since he has his mind made up, the only thing you could gently suggest is a pre-nup. If this woman took care of your Mom, there must be some redeeming qualities, and to put it in another perspective - I'm sure your Dad has plenty. Why wouldn't Maria fall in love with him? The possibility that you are wrong is 50% In this case, don't cut off your nose to spite your face. Renew your relationship with Dad and Maria, and be the support he needs. The truth will come to light in a matter of time - and it may be the opposite of what you fear.

I understand how upset you and your family are. There is absolutely nothing you can but to embrace your Dads decision. This kind of situation happens. I’m glad that your Dad has found love and support in his life that has made him happy. It sounds like she has been around him for a couple of years on and off. That’s enough time to get to know someone and fall in love. I have heard that people who really love their spouse and being married will often marry again soon after the passing of the spouse. I would invite her out for lunch and try to get to know her. Give it a chance. Please try to be happy for your Dad. My husband’s Mother remarried at 72. It was only a couple of years after her husband had died. Her new husband was funny and just adored her. I helped the family finally see how happy he made her. They were so resistant to let him into the family. He didn’t have much growing up but was ok financially later. He was so appreciative for the love of his new family and Christmas presents which he didn’t get growing up. At the end they both needed our help physically and financially. MIL passed before he did and we helped him until his death three years later at age 95. His own Son was a jealous jerk and only came to see him once to take money out of joint account that he didn’t earn without telling his Dad. He also conned his Dad out of the few valuables he had. The Son had his own medical practice and didn’t need the money. He never helped his Dad. Maybe his caregiver wants love, family, and a better life too. As we all know, it’s unbelievably hard to be a caregiver. It’s exhausting physically and emotionally. Also be happy to know that she will probably take care of your Dad until his death removing that burden from the rest of the family. Prayers to you and please open your heart to her.

I think there is some truth in these accusations, and I know you don't want your father taken advantage of. Unfortunately, I don't think there is anything you could say to change his mind. He will have to lean the hard way. And by that time, it may be too late.

You've got a lot of comments here from people insisting "Maria" is a scammer, a gold digger, a horrible horrible person who's out to steal your father blind and get a green card and yada yada. Based on nothing; you've given no information (in my opinion) to support that theory. The examples you've given of the 'things she's done' seem pretty innocent to me. You have no idea if she's blocked you on social media; there's no way to KNOW that! And if she has, maybe it's b/c you've all treated her like a scammer, a gold digger and a horrible horrible person who's out to steal your father blind & get a green card. Is she supposed to treat you like royalty while you are looking at her through squinted eyes all the time??

Your father is 60 years old. I am 65 on Sunday. If I was interested in a romantic relationship & my kids tried to haul my azz off to the doc for a 'cognition exam', let me tell you, I'd have A FIT they would not soon forget. My money is MINE and not THEIRS. Same as your father's money is HIS and not YOURS. He can marry Maria and give it all to her if he'd like. He's entitled to a happy life now, and if she's it, then so be it.

Think of it like this: what if YOU were to want to marry some 'foreign' man who you liked or loved or felt happy with. And dad came storming into your front door telling you the guy was some scammer and didn't love you, but was using you and just wanting a green card and money and blah blah blah. That he was gonna haul you off to the doctor for a brain MRI to make sure you didn't have a brain tumor. Put his shoe on your foot for a moment.

My son once planned on marrying a woman who's head turned 360 degrees around on her neck, that's how possessed she was. Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but worse. I prayed to God he'd see the light before it was too late. But he wasn't. So one night at the dinner table here's what I said to her: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY SARAH. I LOVE YOU AND HOPE THE TWO OF YOU WILL BE HAPPY FOR YEARS TO COME.

They broke up shortly thereafter. I got down on my knees and thanked God for that miracle. But the moral of the story is this: if you love your father and want peace & harmony in the family, tell Maria what I told Sarah. And hope for the best.

I agree with MAP2013.
"Maria" has been in your family's life for 4 1/2 years & caring for your mother for part of that - it's not really a snatch & grab . But I also understand your concerns - the age gap is important - but your dad could have 20 more good years of living left.

It's hard to imagine your father in another relationship My SO & I got together a little over a year after his wife passed (I had been widowed nearly 15 years). He was 3 years older than I. He had 4 adult kids, I have 2. He used to say his kids would have put him on a shelf & dusted him off when they wanted to see him. I called them the "holiday" family because we saw them on holidays. It didn't take long before his 3 sons were happy their father had 10 years of happiness with me & that I stood by him & took care of him when he needed it. His daughter never accepted me. She told me to not take it personally. He died 2/14/22.

I don't know what narcissistic or manipulative things she's said or done, but you've been on the defensive for a long time. If the family continues to fight your father over this, you will regret it. You don't know what the future will bring. Your father can and will make mistakes, but try to wish him well. She may well end up caring for him, too.

Even if this doesn't go forward, encourage your father to have an up-do-date will & a prenup drawn up & designate POAs. My SO & I did.`

I hope your heart can find peace in this situation.

I strikes me that Maria is not someone who showed up after the fact preying on an elderly man. Rather, she was welcomed into the home, and (presumably) you and your siblings had no issues with her caring for your mother - at least not enough to end her employment. I have to assume you felt she was a competent and attentive caregiver for your mother, and you trusted her with your mother's well-being and family assets while she was in the home. It wasn't until your father started dating her that you saw her as a gold digger.

This is not to say there are not red flags. The difference in age and socio-economic status seems big. I imagine you never thought you might have a former caregiver as a stepmother. But, I think it is worth looking in the mirror to analyze your reaction about a woman you once accepted to care for your mom.
Is it that you aren't ready for your father to remarry? This takes time and your timeline might not be your father's.
Is it the money that your father has? Truthfully, it is HIS money and he can misspend/badly invest it single just as easily as married. If it is about money, any relationship your father has will trigger you.
Is it Maria's age, education, profession, race.... ? Perhaps she looked the role as caregiver and does not fit so well into your vision of your father's spouse.

Your father needs a good family attorney and a feduciary to get his affairs in order and help him invest wisely. He needs Powers of Attorney for medical and financial issues, medical directives, and a will. As an adult, you can advise and guide on these things. You are certainly capable of expressing your concerns (once you are honest with yourself about what they are). You can even ask for some protections in terms of: a long engagement and family therapy, a preneup, him to establish a trust in his will for you and his kids, or ask for your share now. You could even give your blessing on them living together, but not marrying, and help him establish a home in Mexico for the two of them to go back and forth.

BUT, at the end of the day, this is not your decision. In his 60s, your father has another 20 to 30 years, so stop thinking of his money as your money.

Again, this woman was a good caregiver to your mother; perhaps consider that your father does have good judgement and knows she will do the same for him. After all you can try to run this woman out of his life. You might succeed and your father might forgive you. But, are you going to do that with every woman for the next 20 years????

Present "Maria" with a pre-nuptial agreement then everyone will see how much she loves your dad.
My father fell prey to a low-life scammer like "Maria" only he was a lot older than your father and she was an American. She cleaned him out and there was nothing any of us could do but watch it crash and burn.
There is something you can do though. Contact ICE and tell them she's an illegal trying to work a scam-marriage hustle. They'll pick her up and detain her for a while. Maybe they'll find something out about her.
Other than that, your father is young and "Maria" is just one more low-down, third-world mamacita looking for an American meal ticket. And she found one.

Hire a private investigator. See where that may lead.
However, if she doesn't have any criminal record, and your dad is considered of sound mind (not mentally incompetent), unfortunately, I believe there is little to nothing you can do.
* Reasoning with your dad likely won't work.
* Do you/r family have any control over his finances or family assets?
* Could you induce your dad to get into family counseling - for a few sessions.
* I would think it is best to 'try to' do what you can to protect your dad / family assets, while maintaining / creating a positive relatinship with your dad you / family can stay in his good graces (and he won't shut you / family out) in feeling a desire / need to choose between you and 'his love.'
* Call local senior services with your county and see if they can offer your dad any support.
* Seems key to me that the family needs to protect your dad from losing his assets although at 60, he is quite young - and you do not speak of him having any disabilities.
* Is it possible that she has good intentions ? Do you have any proof of fraud ? If you do, report her to authorities.

I will read some of these responses as I believe this is a very common situation. You do not want your dad to shut you out of his life. Handle this with diplomacy. Trying to convince him likely will push him away from you/family.

[I recall seeing older women on Dr Phil's show and how he had staff go to the country of the scammer . . . to have the woman denying / in denial until the very end of the show - after losing six figures. People that are lonely want the attention and how they perceive feelings of 'love' -

I hope you find some support here. Gena

Hopefully your Dad is getting some happiness out of the relationship. Current thinking is that people have a right to make bad decisions if they are of sound mind. I have seen situations similar to what you describe, and it is difficult to watch (feels like you're watching a train wreck). There's not much you can do. And you might have to bite your tongue, regarding Maria, to keep a good relationship with your father. If you were depending on inheriting some of his assets, perhaps you can talk to him about writing a will that splits the assets between the children and wife, if it comes to that. In one family I know of, the children sued for the assets after the death of the father. Does your father have his paperwork in order, at least up to this point, setting up Powers of Attorney for financial and medical matters, having a living will with his advance medical directives and a will. He might not have updated these documents after the death of your mother, if he has old documents. Try to get him to do at least that. Also the POAs should be on file with Medicare and Social Security to be able to speak on his behalf. Hopefully his children will be assigned as POAs at this time, since Maria is going back and forth while her visa status is still in flux.

MaggieRo88: From all intents and purposes, things with "Maria" seem to be less than copacetic. She not only towards the end of your mother's life spent more time with your father when she was employed as a caregiver to your MOTHER. That is red flag number one. Red flag number two should be "fiance was not as well off as my Dad." Also perhaps your father should NOT be making life-changing decisions currently.

If I were in your situation, I would tell dad that you will happily support the relationship, and the nuptials, and encourage your family to do the same, if "Maria" signs a pre-nuptual agreement. If she truly loves him, she won't mind doing this, and it will provide him with financial protection.

Everyone criticized Anna Nicole Smith, but that elderly guy she was married to always had a huge grin on his face.

is it money that you are worried about? Your dad getting his heart broken? Him respecting your mother?

He will do what he wants to anyway. Choose to be his friend now and later, even if he gets hia heart broken.

As long as he is mentally competent, let him (as I am sure he may have let you) make his own bad romantic choices.

Is your dad of sound mind? If he is I don't think you can do much. He was lonely, felt bad, and wanted to forget he was grieving. Doesn't mean he is forgetting your mom. It means he doesn't want to feel that awful pain 24/7. He wants a break from that. He'll grieve in increments.
I'm sure she flirted and made him feel young and virile, and more imp take a break from that pain. Who wouldn't jump on that train to have one more bite of the love apple and sex, and fun . Feel like a member of society, not an old man waiting to die alone. A sexy man.
You can research this situation online, or get a lawyer. The first is free. Def do that first. Don't think a lawyer can do much unless his mind is going.
You have to walk a tightrope. If you start badmouthing her, even if it's true, it will shut him down and you out.
I would remind him you still love him and are family and shouldn't be iced out. That you will be there for him. And your history together. And you shouldn't be torn apart by a gf.
This happened to my great grandmother. She was in her 70s and this guy in early 60s showed up to do a bit of construction work. Then stayed. We got a bad feeling. He saw a vulnerable woman. He wanted her to sell her home and buy a boat in Florida! That was never her dream. She was torn. My mom thought he would get the boat and dump her in the middle of nowhere, no car, money etc. I had a bad feeling about him.
My great gran asked me what I thought of him. I said at 6yr old, if he really loves you, he would want to be a part of you and your family, Not separate you from them. And I'd really miss her. And i told her other things he did to test if she would pick him over us. That wasnt very nice. Why doesn't he want to share in your life and family? She didn't go. I'm glad.
You need to get that through to him nicely and pull on heart strings. No whining, pointing out her faults. And keep communication open in case there are problems. I'd say who is going to take care of you, when infermed? She's still young. And segway into his will poa, end of life decisions etc. You should have copies for safety reasons. You can't acuse, or guilt and alienate him. That's what she wants. You will be taking away his shiny toy. Don't let her win. You must not disparage her ever. You must be nice no matter if you have to act the part. He'll shut the door on you, because yor stopping his fun time. He doesn't want to think about he's old, or not an active guy. See if u can get all paperwork. And if your doing well, talk about the house and things. Ask him. Does that go to her and her family? You don't think anything of our family? Someone that barely knows you? Family means nothing? You have to be super nice and gentle about this. Make sure hes not on speakerphone or her overhearing his conversation.
You have to walk a fine line. Think romeo and juliet. The more family wants them seperated, the more they clung together no matter what. Good luck. And get to researching before it's to late.

There are some who are in it to "get what they can--" and you have one. When you approach Dad again, have papers in hand, ready to sign, concerning all assets, everything,! a full, legal last will - read carefully - nothing left to her- all medical issues - make sure no one has any rights - etc: right to die - remove/add life support - feed tube- everything - check carefully, if one right is missed by you, --as legal wife, she will have legal power over all. Call an attorney, / probate office, tell them what you're trying to prevent, they will tell you all you need. MAKE SURE ALL IS SIGNED, NOTARIZED, BY ALL INVOLVED. I think I would write out a note, stating that -----her full name - will not pursue any assets, none -under any reasons, add all needed, and have it signed, notarized, by all parties involved. I call this "covering my butt." - Learn to do that. Notarize everything, -everything!! Good Luck, prayers.

it's hard to see your parent being with someone other than your mom or dad. have you spoken to your father, he may be so much "in love" he doesn't see what you see. he does want to be happy and with someone, some people man or woman do want the company. have a talk first, be gentle and then you may have to let him fail just like when we were young, we had to make our own mistakes. i get it, that you don't want her to get what he has esp, if she is a money hungry person. you might say some prayers too

I think you're too close to be objective; Mom will never be forgotten, at age 60, Dad can choose to grieve or look for adventures. My BFF experienced this situation with her father when he was in his 90's including changing his diapers and providing sexual favors (EW). I have PTSD, just imaging the scene.

My BFF came to accept the woman, but made sure that Dad's final will was ironclad and then just sat back and relaxed about her intensions and Dad's absurd relationship: she was married and husband was ok with her behavior. After Dad died, they gave her his Mercedes and on she went to her next client.

Try to meet with his lawyer and, perhaps, have an Elder Law Attorney join you on Zoom.

At the risk of being criticized and please do, I am never offended, I think this is your Dad‘s decision which should be respected, adult children have no rights to interfere in personal and financial matters of competent adults.
So Dad now he 60, assuming he is cognitively OK, what is wrong with this picture?
Obviously, I don’t know Maria, perhaps she is a gold digger, but he as adult can protect himself. As an adult his choices as well potential consequences of his action are his alone.
Why this issue will divide family is beyond me, but not really, maybe there are different aspects which are not revealed.
3 years after Mom‘s death is quite enough to start living again, I am sure there are gold diggers everywhere.
It is not relevant if Maria was engaged before, or if other guy had less money, how would one know anyhow, ask, investigate him? But obviously OP is aware of Dad‘s wealth.
Perhaps during Mom‘s prolonged disease, when nothing could be done and Dad needed more support and Maria offered that.
Maybe some friendship developed and more, if it lasted for 3 years, seems a little more. What would benefit be for Maria, better life, green card, maybe she would be a partner and caregiver for Dad. If relationship developed can you really deny Dad some happiness, what would you prefer, grieve Mom forever, sit in easy chair for next 20-30 years and sign over all assets to family?

GOLDDIGGER! This happened to my grandfather after his wife died. He was grieving and she thought she could just move in and take all he had. But he saw her for what she was and told her to go!

I pray your father will see this woman for what she is. She is after his money and property. Ask your father to give it time and think about it. I absolutely do not trust this situation. If she can't wait that is a good sign she only wants his money and is hoping he dies soon too.

Red flags are popping up everywhere in your father’s relationship with this woman. The first red flag popped up when this woman, instead of being there to help take care of your mom within the first year of her working there, had her eyes on your dad and had gotten closer to him. The second red flag was when she supposedly broke up with the boyfriend so she and your father could get married. The third red flag is how does your father know whether she truly broke up with the boyfriend. This relationship sounds to me like this woman is in it for the green card and once she gets that your father will never see her again.

Your father is a grown man and should be smart enough to see the warning signs that’s popping up around this relationship. Perhaps your father is too naive to recognize these signs and he will have to learn the hard way. You can only advise your father on the pitfalls of going through with this marriage, and it’s up to him if he wants to take your advice. There are many great advice here from others about pre-nup, etc. which you can advise your father to do to protect his assets should he go through with this marriage.

Good luck in trying to make your father understand the potential consequences of what he’s getting into.

Get Dad a thorough physical examination from his primary care provider. Make sure the doctor checks him for mental competency. Problems with judgment is one of the first signs of cognitive decline. If he is deemed mentally incompetent, notify "his fiance" of this and that the family will make decisions about his finances, health and living arrangements in the near future... and that she will not be allowed to have access to these areas of his life. If she truly loves him, she'll stay, If she is using Dad, she'll leave.

Babysitting for a 60 y.o. mentally competent adult? Is he incapacitated to get by himself all the pertinent information about marrying a foreigner?

To answer the obvious unspoken question, NO, she is not legal to stay in the USA if she marries Dad. He must see an attorney before he starts down this road. In addition to the paperwork that must be done before they marry, he will be legally and fiscally responsible for her and any minor children she might have! Has this been discussed? Does he want to be raising her kids and paying to educate them?

If he is marrying her as a favor to both of them (he gets eldercare from a woman he likes and she gets a sponsor) they absolutley need to do this legally. Immigration is a fairly complex process and marrying before filing the needed documents is certain failure. She can be deported, and would then be ineligible to reapply for at least 10 years. The likelihood of being caught is about 100% since she can't live "under the radar." If Dad loves her, he needs to address immigration first or risk ruining her life.

Your father is of sound mind so there is nothing you can do. The best you can do is support your father in his decision. He is probably lonely since your mother’s passing and the lady that you don’t agree with brings him some joy. It could well be love. Try to be happy for him if you can. Have a daughter to father girlfriend chat, get to know her she may not be as bad as you think.

Your dad is still young at 60 and he is lonely. Maria has scratched that itch and if you try to interfere, dad is going to act defensively. There is really nothing you can do other than try to encourage dad to have some things in place to protect himself.
As other posters have suggested, pre-paid funeral expenses, and a pre-nup (which I don't think he will agree to). You could even point out that unless he puts something in place, everything he and your mom worked for will go to this woman when he dies and his children will be cut out. This mean heirlooms in the home that may have sentimental value to you. As his wife, everything will go to her unless he has something iron clad in place and even then you will have a fight on your hands if you don't have a good relationship with Maria.

The bottom line is, I don't think you can fix this. The only question left is do you want a relationship with your dad? If the answer is yes, then you're going to have to put your efforts there.

One last thought...if there are things in his home that are from your moms family or that remind you of your mom and have sentimental value, you might want to ask dad for them now. Point out that if he is moving on with a new wife that they might be better appreciated by his children and in their care.

Unfortunately, unless you have guardianship over your father there isn't anything you can do, that I am aware of.

Maybe your father really does love her. He's known her for at least 15 years. All you can do, is love and support him- no matter what your feelings are for her. If you don't - you will lose him twice -
Now and when he passes away.

Handle this confidentially so he doesn't elope. Call the immigration office TODAY, make an appointment to see a rep in person. Have any facts on the woman organized, her employer when caring for your mother, etc. Present your concerns in a non-emotional, professional manner to avoid being viewed as a jealous child. wanting to protect a possible inheritance. Obviously, this woman took advantage of your father at a vulnerable time. She has an agenda. Understand this may cause an estrangement from your father, but he will get over it. Of course, there is the alternate plan; tell him to have a lawyer put an iron-clad pre-nup in place if it will stick in that state and have a certified copy. Then, see if she is as much "in love." Good luck.

Try to convince him to
a. Prepay his funeral/burial expenses
b. Set aside money in a trust for his future healthcare/ AL care.
c. Prenup

If he balks at a prenup, he should at a minimum, do A and B.

Then wish him the best. She's gonna fleece him. You can almost bet on it.