My mother passed away of a terminal illness 3 years ago. We had a caregiver (I’ll just call her Maria for this thread) helping us the last 1.5 years of her life. Towards the end, we started noticing Maria spent more time near my Dad and less helping my Mom. She was engaged to another man at the time, is in the U.S. on a Visa, and is in her early 40s. Dad is 60. She never stopped speaking to Dad and they remained “friends” from a distance because she went back to Mexico after Mom passed. Fast forward a year and my Dad announces they are dating, that she ended it with her fiancé (who was not as well off as my Dad) just a few months before. Three months after him saying this, Maria moved into my parent’s home and stayed for 6 months until her limit was up and she had to go back to Mexico. It was a tumultuous time to say the least. 6 months later, she returned, only now her Visa is going to expire in August 2022. Dad said he gave her a ring and plans to marry her so she won’t have to keep leaving the country. Maria claims to love my Dad. There are no family members who support this union simply because it seems so plainly obvious to everyone but Dad that Maria is in it for the wrong reasons. She has so much to gain from him and I feel she took advantage of him when he was at the lowest point in his life. The things she has told my family are indicative of very scary manipulation and narcissistic tendencies. He has essentially turned his back on his children and family in order to keep Maria happy. I’m not sure what can be done anymore, but I needed to reach out at least for some advice or support. It is a truly sad, sad situation to see my Dad fall prey to a woman who very clearly is in it for her own personal benefits.
It also seems to me that men of that age who find themselves widowers often re-marry.
How does Maria treat dad? Does she treat him well? Is she kind to him? Or is the relationship only one-sided, with your dad doing all of the giving and Maria doing all of the taking? I think that's more important than any money she might get down the line.
I'm sure mom and dad had plans on how they were going to spend this early retirement age, and those plans unfortunately did not come about due to mom's early, untimely death. And Maria might be more comfortable with dad discussing his deceased wife than other women might be.
I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that Maria has evil intent here.
What was tumultuous about the six months Maria had to spend in Mexico for migration control reasons?
He is otherwise of sound mind. But this woman has managed to turn him from his children and many of his friends.
He has a lot of money
No, he is not the dumbstruck smitten fool you portray; just lonely, needing company and support. I'm sure father is well aware of the connotations and family disapproval which may only be egging him on in a bid to regain some of his pride and help move on from loss. True, this may be folly and costly but at least give him the credit for not stagnating and getting on with his life.
Perhaps offering a little encouragement will show you can respect his judgement now that you have all had your say and I hope you too can find acceptance in whatever role Maria finds to fill the void in his life. Surely you don't want to lose your father over this; and somehow I think you all need to be there for each other whether things work out or otherwise.
I also support the ideas of protecting the assets, but your father has to agree to create a trust, and he is in fact the only person able to fund it, assuming that all assets are in his name. Remember as well that assets in trust are subject to different tax regulations than those which are not. I would seriously review trust taxation regs on whatever assets he has and determine how much he would lose to the federal government by transferring assets to a trust.
I think he has a right to happiness if he has found it, but here you don't mention love. Does DAD mention love? Would Dad like to live part time in Mexico. A friend of mine married a latina and spends half the year in Mexico where they have a condo, and half here.
I would speak frankly with your father and tell him the one fear you have is that someone may be taking advantage of him for his money and for citizenship. Otherwise you are FINE with him wanting a companion. I would ask him to attend an attorney with you and any other family and with Maria, to put together a Trust in which Maria has whatever he wishes to leave her, and the family has the preponderance of the inheritance. This would eliminate the worry of Maria marrying Dad (who is still really young) for his money. I am 35 years with my partner, we are "domestic partners" legally, and he raised two children and I raised two children who were grown when we met. Our assets are kept separate and will go to our children with the exception of life estate in a home. We have Trusts that stipulate such things and so on. Trusts aren't needed for many; for us it is wonderful.
If he says no, then no is the answer and I would make that clear that no is his option, and he is not obligated to leave his nuclear family anything,that in fact you hope he lives to spend every dime. . And I would drop it thereafter WHATEVER his decision, because quite honestly it isn't your business unless Dad wishes to make it so.
I wonder what you mean by "it was tumultuous". Can you explain that for me?
You say Maria is CLEARLY in it for her own benefits. That is a lot to be so certain of in all truth. They are near enough in age and generation. They may be in love.
He said he is going to have her sign a prenuptial, so that is a good sign. We asked if he could have us down for advanced medical care as well, but he shrugged us off and said Maria would take care of that in the future. She doesn’t speak English, so I don’t know if that would be difficult for her to navigate, maybe not since Spanish translators are typically available.
The tumultuous portion is a long story, but I will give some examples. She said from the beginning if one of his children was not okay with the relationship then she would go back to Mexico. My sibling made it known she was not, yet she never left so that was untruthful. Another example, she blocked his family on social media. When would go over to visit, she would leave to my parents’ old room (now my just dads room) and close the door. I guess just the overall lack of genuine effort to get to know us better and establish that trust is what has been at the core of our difficulties. Also, just a few weeks after she got here the first time, she brought her son and his girlfriend to stay at the house so they could get the COVID vaccine here in the U.S., since she said it was too difficult to get in Mexico. Another example is she began receiving mail at the house with her first name and my fathers last name and this was only about one month into being in my parents house.
I have seen this situation play out multiple times in my life. Leaving devastation in it's wake. Because it really is a different culture that is difficult to adapt to.
Unfortunately, people do not consider cultural differences when rebounding or being flattered into a relationship.
Mexican women are treated as chattel in their culture and have no balance when they are not. They rule the roost anyway they can and it is usually not pleasant to behold. You are already seeing this.
There isn't anything you can do about this if he has already made up his mind. You can tell him you love him and hope this doesn't ruin your relationship and then grin and bear it and pray she doesn't take advantage of him and destroy his life.
Australians in rural areas with a shortage of women have a long history of marrying Filipino women (and there used to be almost a marriage agency of introducing their friends). Some marriages have been difficult, with the women turning out to have a child or children or mother or sister that they really need to come to be with them because they are so lonely etc. Others have been very successful, with none of those issues. I’ve known both. Sure, Father needs to go into this with his eyes wide open, but at 60 he should be able to do just that.
The Philippines and Mexico are two entirely different cultures.
So we once again find ourselves arguing over a question just barely related to care giving involving a hot button topic posted by a person with no information put into the user profile. And a poster who has "posted and ran" or so it seems.
Could it be, my friends, we are feeding a troll?
My loser FIL is on marriage number eight at 80 years old and she is already regretting it since his abusive and real personality dudnt take long to show up once they got married. Bonus for her he almost died during a hip replacement and is now in a rehab for 90 days to try and walk again while he waits for a heart procedure to put stent number three in.
Wow, married 8 times! Ugh.
I think that maybe a grief support group may be of help to you? Or One on One counseling. You have to find a way to get past this.
One thing dad needs to be aware of is that a prenuptial agreement does not protect him if she were to develop health problems. Before Medicaid would cover her, all assets would need to be spent down to Medicaid predetermined amount, which is about half of their combined liquid assets or another amount set by your state.
Is there a process that would allow her to stay longer than a six month period? I would look into that and suggest they live together, only. There are just too many financial responsibilities of they were to marry.
A man of 60 is not necessarily OLD, and “oldism” is as insidious and pervasive as any other “isms” are. Having experienced it, I can tell you that it a TERRIBLE WAY to be perceived, and the recipient of such treatment, if unjustified, in NO WAY benefits.
Has anyone suggested a prenup??
The suggestion will be harder to offer to him since it sounds as though he’s taken his stand and now MUST for his own reasons, defend it, but if you or any of your sibs are still interacting with him on a somewhat civil level, perhaps on the grounds that he should be preparing for a time “in the distant future” when he might need or want some extra adventures or changes in lifestyle or alternatives to how he’s living right now.
Although you may be totally convinced that this situation is clear cut and simple, you and your sibs need to consider that a healthy man of 60 may not consider himself as much in need of your protection as you are thinking. There are no doubt aspects about what he gets from this relationship that he has not likely to have shared with you.
If you feel you’ve maxed out on trying to convince him that he’s doing something “ill advised” might it be time to see if he’d be amenable to sheltering and protecting some of his assets ”for a rainy day”?
Suggest a prenup, if they are willing; and then - back off.
Just because something is practical, doesn't necessarily mean that it's wrong. Just my two cents - good luck.
And - You're dad isn't old and doddering, you need to respect his wishes (even if he WERE old and doddering).
If he's dumb enough to have married her then he has to do her greencard AND do the financial adjustment status.
This means that the widower is financially responsible for her for ten years. Even if they divorce, Even if she is shacked up with a new meal-ticket.
If she opens up credit cards and goes on shopping sprees, he pays. If she tries to get public assistance, he pays because she won't be able to for at least ten years.
I'd be willing to wager her caregiver days will be far behind her once she gets that ring on her finger and her name on the bank account.
Help dad protect his assets. Then support the relationship.
These things happen all the time and after all the posts I have read this past year she may be doing you a favor...
a. Prepay his funeral/burial expenses
b. Set aside money in a trust for his future healthcare/ AL care.
c. Prenup
If he balks at a prenup, he should at a minimum, do A and B.
Then wish him the best. She's gonna fleece him. You can almost bet on it.
Maybe your father really does love her. He's known her for at least 15 years. All you can do, is love and support him- no matter what your feelings are for her. If you don't - you will lose him twice -
Now and when he passes away.
As other posters have suggested, pre-paid funeral expenses, and a pre-nup (which I don't think he will agree to). You could even point out that unless he puts something in place, everything he and your mom worked for will go to this woman when he dies and his children will be cut out. This mean heirlooms in the home that may have sentimental value to you. As his wife, everything will go to her unless he has something iron clad in place and even then you will have a fight on your hands if you don't have a good relationship with Maria.
The bottom line is, I don't think you can fix this. The only question left is do you want a relationship with your dad? If the answer is yes, then you're going to have to put your efforts there.
One last thought...if there are things in his home that are from your moms family or that remind you of your mom and have sentimental value, you might want to ask dad for them now. Point out that if he is moving on with a new wife that they might be better appreciated by his children and in their care.
If he is marrying her as a favor to both of them (he gets eldercare from a woman he likes and she gets a sponsor) they absolutley need to do this legally. Immigration is a fairly complex process and marrying before filing the needed documents is certain failure. She can be deported, and would then be ineligible to reapply for at least 10 years. The likelihood of being caught is about 100% since she can't live "under the radar." If Dad loves her, he needs to address immigration first or risk ruining her life.