Dad wants to marry my mother’s caregiver. Any advice?

A grieving 60 yr old married a woman on a visa. The love lasted until she fleeced him for every cent he had — his net worth was over 1/2 a million.

Help dad protect his assets. Then support the relationship.

I’m LITERALLY old enough to be your father’s MOTHER, and although your family quite rightly has concerns about his current plans, I have a serious concern that too much intervention on the part of your siblings, no matter how well intentioned, can ultimately result in demoralizing him rather than having him see whatever reality you hope to convey.

A man of 60 is not necessarily OLD, and “oldism” is as insidious and pervasive as any other “isms” are. Having experienced it, I can tell you that it a TERRIBLE WAY to be perceived, and the recipient of such treatment, if unjustified, in NO WAY benefits.

Has anyone suggested a prenup??

The suggestion will be harder to offer to him since it sounds as though he’s taken his stand and now MUST for his own reasons, defend it, but if you or any of your sibs are still interacting with him on a somewhat civil level, perhaps on the grounds that he should be preparing for a time “in the distant future” when he might need or want some extra adventures or changes in lifestyle or alternatives to how he’s living right now.

Although you may be totally convinced that this situation is clear cut and simple, you and your sibs need to consider that a healthy man of 60 may not consider himself as much in need of your protection as you are thinking. There are no doubt aspects about what he gets from this relationship that he has not likely to have shared with you.

If you feel you’ve maxed out on trying to convince him that he’s doing something “ill advised” might it be time to see if he’d be amenable to sheltering and protecting some of his assets ”for a rainy day”?

Try to convince him to
a. Prepay his funeral/burial expenses
b. Set aside money in a trust for his future healthcare/ AL care.
c. Prenup

If he balks at a prenup, he should at a minimum, do A and B.

Then wish him the best. She's gonna fleece him. You can almost bet on it.

Have dad see an elder law, yes elder law attorney to talk about the financial implications of he were to remarry at this time in his life.

Handle this confidentially so he doesn't elope. Call the immigration office TODAY, make an appointment to see a rep in person. Have any facts on the woman organized, her employer when caring for your mother, etc. Present your concerns in a non-emotional, professional manner to avoid being viewed as a jealous child. wanting to protect a possible inheritance. Obviously, this woman took advantage of your father at a vulnerable time. She has an agenda. Understand this may cause an estrangement from your father, but he will get over it. Of course, there is the alternate plan; tell him to have a lawyer put an iron-clad pre-nup in place if it will stick in that state and have a certified copy. Then, see if she is as much "in love." Good luck.

You've got a lot of comments here from people insisting "Maria" is a scammer, a gold digger, a horrible horrible person who's out to steal your father blind and get a green card and yada yada. Based on nothing; you've given no information (in my opinion) to support that theory. The examples you've given of the 'things she's done' seem pretty innocent to me. You have no idea if she's blocked you on social media; there's no way to KNOW that! And if she has, maybe it's b/c you've all treated her like a scammer, a gold digger and a horrible horrible person who's out to steal your father blind & get a green card. Is she supposed to treat you like royalty while you are looking at her through squinted eyes all the time??

Your father is 60 years old. I am 65 on Sunday. If I was interested in a romantic relationship & my kids tried to haul my azz off to the doc for a 'cognition exam', let me tell you, I'd have A FIT they would not soon forget. My money is MINE and not THEIRS. Same as your father's money is HIS and not YOURS. He can marry Maria and give it all to her if he'd like. He's entitled to a happy life now, and if she's it, then so be it.

Think of it like this: what if YOU were to want to marry some 'foreign' man who you liked or loved or felt happy with. And dad came storming into your front door telling you the guy was some scammer and didn't love you, but was using you and just wanting a green card and money and blah blah blah. That he was gonna haul you off to the doctor for a brain MRI to make sure you didn't have a brain tumor. Put his shoe on your foot for a moment.

My son once planned on marrying a woman who's head turned 360 degrees around on her neck, that's how possessed she was. Like Linda Blair in The Exorcist, but worse. I prayed to God he'd see the light before it was too late. But he wasn't. So one night at the dinner table here's what I said to her: WELCOME TO THE FAMILY SARAH. I LOVE YOU AND HOPE THE TWO OF YOU WILL BE HAPPY FOR YEARS TO COME.

They broke up shortly thereafter. I got down on my knees and thanked God for that miracle. But the moral of the story is this: if you love your father and want peace & harmony in the family, tell Maria what I told Sarah. And hope for the best.

Your dad is still young at 60 and he is lonely. Maria has scratched that itch and if you try to interfere, dad is going to act defensively. There is really nothing you can do other than try to encourage dad to have some things in place to protect himself.
As other posters have suggested, pre-paid funeral expenses, and a pre-nup (which I don't think he will agree to). You could even point out that unless he puts something in place, everything he and your mom worked for will go to this woman when he dies and his children will be cut out. This mean heirlooms in the home that may have sentimental value to you. As his wife, everything will go to her unless he has something iron clad in place and even then you will have a fight on your hands if you don't have a good relationship with Maria.

The bottom line is, I don't think you can fix this. The only question left is do you want a relationship with your dad? If the answer is yes, then you're going to have to put your efforts there.

One last thought...if there are things in his home that are from your moms family or that remind you of your mom and have sentimental value, you might want to ask dad for them now. Point out that if he is moving on with a new wife that they might be better appreciated by his children and in their care.

Convince dad that a prenuptial agreement would be in his best interest.

A competent, single, 60 year-old man should be free to marry whoever he wants. He doesn't need supervision as if he were a naive teenager.

Many children think that when a father remarries after their mother’s death, it’s disrespectful to their mother. They also think about inheritance. These reactions don’t help family relationships at all. Father may avoid saying that he loves Maria, because he thinks that will make the reactions even worse.

Australians in rural areas with a shortage of women have a long history of marrying Filipino women (and there used to be almost a marriage agency of introducing their friends). Some marriages have been difficult, with the women turning out to have a child or children or mother or sister that they really need to come to be with them because they are so lonely etc. Others have been very successful, with none of those issues. I’ve known both. Sure, Father needs to go into this with his eyes wide open, but at 60 he should be able to do just that.