My Dad (92) wants to marry his 50 year old caregiver to "financially protect" her. Any advice?

The original answer I had disappeared. So here is a summary of it. Stop stereotyping and seeing elders of sound mind as being victimized because they choose to marry someone younger and/ or you do not approve of. You give not one shred of evidence that your Dad has been manipulated . I think you are concerned about what financial loss you may have. Let me play devil's advocate. If your Dad dies then he will not be losing anything.While he is alive everything is still under his control that is his. Upon his death since you cannot take it with you , all things are left behind. I see you as trying to make a grab for what your Dad leaves behind. If when he was alive and in control he stipulated to legally leave everything to his wife at the time of his death, you do not have to like it but need to try to recognize your dad has a right to leave his money, etc to whom he wishes. He sounds like a humanitarian and I have a feeling if this woman was not of his choosing he would have chosen someone or something else to leave his money to other than you. I feel he knows you are already finacially set on your own. That is why he can without pangs of guilt discuss his plans openly with you. I feel if anyone is trying to be manipulative it is you in this situation. Why are you a daughter that will not respect their father's decision ? You do not have to like it but respect it.
When you focus on nonmoney issues such as what will happen if he gets sick, then you evoke a bit of sympathy from me. Yet , I see a bit of histrionics in you thinking this woman may whisk
him off to Mexico if he becomes sick. Why would she do this ? Remember if she wanted to live in Mexico she would not have come to the states. Are you not aware of the instability in Mexico at this time ?
Lastly, it seems you are more than alright financially but for some reason, possibly greed ,must have it all.

CM, you make a good point. Maria may be totally unaware of the intentions.

Something that stuck out in your last post, kori, is that she is from Mexico. Is she a citizen? The government can frown on marriages done to gain legal residency.

How do we know that he's even asked the caregiver about this? Maybe he has, maybe Kori is even hearing about this from her, but Kori hasn't said so. Hold your fire until we know that she isn't entirely blameless, please!

First of all, let me ask you if you have siblings that you could talk to about this and ask what they think. Secondly, it sounds to me like she's the one who is talking to your Dad trying to persuade him to "take care" of her. She seems like a woman who would like to take advantage of him (maybe she is already). At 92, you say he is still sharp, but is he really? Sorry, I had to ask. Sounds like she had brainwashed him a bit. If you can, try to get some legal council to help you even if it's to ask questions about S.S. so you at least will have an idea of what to do about this. Good luck with it all. I hope things go well in the NEAR future.

Kori - Jessie's idea to 'snoop' is a good one. Did she come from an agency? Do some of your own detective work, and maybe hire a professional. See what comes up, and then go from there.

Blimey.

Koriphilios, on one level this story is as old as the hills: Hilaire Belloc finished one poem on the subject thus -

"...Miss Charming was the nurse's name,
Who now resides in Berkeley Square
And is accepted everywhere."

Only to you, of course, it isn't a story, it's happening. And it isn't amusing.

This question isn't as daft as it might sound: have you broached the subject with the caregiver? What, if anything, does she have to say about it?

In any case, try not to despair. All is not necessarily lost. At first sight it looks as though your father is being the most foolish of old fools, but on the other hand he is thinking in practical terms so he's not so green he's cabbage-looking. Hold tight to your temper and wait and see for a bit. Don't say anything you'll regret later.

JessieBelle, my thoughts are aligned with yours. It's just so out of character for him as he has been a man of integrity and honor in every area of his life. He is throwing all of that away for this lady he has known for 16 months. I did speak with him about voluntarily assigning medical power of attorney to me; he doesn't think that is necessary at this time. My worry: if he becomes incapacitated (he is 92, after all), she can take him to her hometown in Mexico, or somewhere else and I will have no knowledge or say in his care. I am devastated and broken because of this. I love him and only want to keep him safe; he refuses to see that there is any issue at all.

If he is competent mentally, there is not much you can do. You can choose if you will associate with her or not. I am surprised your father is handing over his life to a woman so much younger than himself. Who knows? Maybe he is smart like a fox, and foresees he'll need a caregiver in the near future.

Sorry -- didn't mean to make light of the hurtful situation. I don't see anything more you can do if your dad chooses to be with the woman.

It is only getting worse and worse; he will not talk to me about anything important unless I talk with her first. I am not sure what to make of this behavior. Should I just accept that he is choosing a different path for his life? Do I need to let go?

If he is legally competent there is little you can do except to talk sense to him. To him, she is intrigued by his charm and good looks. To think it could be otherwise would be a blow to his ego. Perhaps you can investigate the rules for SS when it comes to spouses, then use that as a reason not to pursue marriage with such a young woman. It is a tough one. How do we stop something from happening without hurting a person we care about? She might have history if you snoop around a bit. Maybe she is honest, but there are predatory women out there looking for men to take care of them.

Thanks for your reply. The estate was put into a legal trust years before Mom passed. I am the executor of the estate. I don't *think* it can be changed at that time as it was no changes were stipulated within the documents.

Can she sell and take the house? When she is tired of this game, can she dump him in a nursing home? Can she make medical decisions for him? Can I report her for manipulative elder abuse? Should I gain durable power of attorney? He is of sound mind, but this is CRAZY....is he becoming incompetent?

I should have added that she would be entitled to his estate unless it was in the will that it all goes to his children. Of course, if she is able to talk him into marriage, she would have no problem getting him to change the will.

I don't know if it would help with his SS. I believe they have to be married 10 years before she is entitled to his full SS benefits. I'm not sure about this, but it is how it used to be. She would be entitled to his estate, however, no matter how short they were married. Smells super fishy to me.