My Dad (92) wants to marry his 50 year old caregiver to "financially protect" her. Any advice?

I don't know if it would help with his SS. I believe they have to be married 10 years before she is entitled to his full SS benefits. I'm not sure about this, but it is how it used to be. She would be entitled to his estate, however, no matter how short they were married. Smells super fishy to me.

I should have added that she would be entitled to his estate unless it was in the will that it all goes to his children. Of course, if she is able to talk him into marriage, she would have no problem getting him to change the will.

Thanks for your reply. The estate was put into a legal trust years before Mom passed. I am the executor of the estate. I don't *think* it can be changed at that time as it was no changes were stipulated within the documents.

Can she sell and take the house? When she is tired of this game, can she dump him in a nursing home? Can she make medical decisions for him? Can I report her for manipulative elder abuse? Should I gain durable power of attorney? He is of sound mind, but this is CRAZY....is he becoming incompetent?

If he is legally competent there is little you can do except to talk sense to him. To him, she is intrigued by his charm and good looks. To think it could be otherwise would be a blow to his ego. Perhaps you can investigate the rules for SS when it comes to spouses, then use that as a reason not to pursue marriage with such a young woman. It is a tough one. How do we stop something from happening without hurting a person we care about? She might have history if you snoop around a bit. Maybe she is honest, but there are predatory women out there looking for men to take care of them.

It is only getting worse and worse; he will not talk to me about anything important unless I talk with her first. I am not sure what to make of this behavior. Should I just accept that he is choosing a different path for his life? Do I need to let go?

If he is competent mentally, there is not much you can do. You can choose if you will associate with her or not. I am surprised your father is handing over his life to a woman so much younger than himself. Who knows? Maybe he is smart like a fox, and foresees he'll need a caregiver in the near future.

Sorry -- didn't mean to make light of the hurtful situation. I don't see anything more you can do if your dad chooses to be with the woman.

JessieBelle, my thoughts are aligned with yours. It's just so out of character for him as he has been a man of integrity and honor in every area of his life. He is throwing all of that away for this lady he has known for 16 months. I did speak with him about voluntarily assigning medical power of attorney to me; he doesn't think that is necessary at this time. My worry: if he becomes incapacitated (he is 92, after all), she can take him to her hometown in Mexico, or somewhere else and I will have no knowledge or say in his care. I am devastated and broken because of this. I love him and only want to keep him safe; he refuses to see that there is any issue at all.

Blimey.

Koriphilios, on one level this story is as old as the hills: Hilaire Belloc finished one poem on the subject thus -

"...Miss Charming was the nurse's name,
Who now resides in Berkeley Square
And is accepted everywhere."

Only to you, of course, it isn't a story, it's happening. And it isn't amusing.

This question isn't as daft as it might sound: have you broached the subject with the caregiver? What, if anything, does she have to say about it?

In any case, try not to despair. All is not necessarily lost. At first sight it looks as though your father is being the most foolish of old fools, but on the other hand he is thinking in practical terms so he's not so green he's cabbage-looking. Hold tight to your temper and wait and see for a bit. Don't say anything you'll regret later.

Kori - Jessie's idea to 'snoop' is a good one. Did she come from an agency? Do some of your own detective work, and maybe hire a professional. See what comes up, and then go from there.

First of all, let me ask you if you have siblings that you could talk to about this and ask what they think. Secondly, it sounds to me like she's the one who is talking to your Dad trying to persuade him to "take care" of her. She seems like a woman who would like to take advantage of him (maybe she is already). At 92, you say he is still sharp, but is he really? Sorry, I had to ask. Sounds like she had brainwashed him a bit. If you can, try to get some legal council to help you even if it's to ask questions about S.S. so you at least will have an idea of what to do about this. Good luck with it all. I hope things go well in the NEAR future.

How do we know that he's even asked the caregiver about this? Maybe he has, maybe Kori is even hearing about this from her, but Kori hasn't said so. Hold your fire until we know that she isn't entirely blameless, please!

Something that stuck out in your last post, kori, is that she is from Mexico. Is she a citizen? The government can frown on marriages done to gain legal residency.

CM, you make a good point. Maria may be totally unaware of the intentions.

The original answer I had disappeared. So here is a summary of it. Stop stereotyping and seeing elders of sound mind as being victimized because they choose to marry someone younger and/ or you do not approve of. You give not one shred of evidence that your Dad has been manipulated . I think you are concerned about what financial loss you may have. Let me play devil's advocate. If your Dad dies then he will not be losing anything.While he is alive everything is still under his control that is his. Upon his death since you cannot take it with you , all things are left behind. I see you as trying to make a grab for what your Dad leaves behind. If when he was alive and in control he stipulated to legally leave everything to his wife at the time of his death, you do not have to like it but need to try to recognize your dad has a right to leave his money, etc to whom he wishes. He sounds like a humanitarian and I have a feeling if this woman was not of his choosing he would have chosen someone or something else to leave his money to other than you. I feel he knows you are already finacially set on your own. That is why he can without pangs of guilt discuss his plans openly with you. I feel if anyone is trying to be manipulative it is you in this situation. Why are you a daughter that will not respect their father's decision ? You do not have to like it but respect it.
When you focus on nonmoney issues such as what will happen if he gets sick, then you evoke a bit of sympathy from me. Yet , I see a bit of histrionics in you thinking this woman may whisk
him off to Mexico if he becomes sick. Why would she do this ? Remember if she wanted to live in Mexico she would not have come to the states. Are you not aware of the instability in Mexico at this time ?
Lastly, it seems you are more than alright financially but for some reason, possibly greed ,must have it all.

Ohdear, you need to fill in your profile so people will see you're a caregiver by profession. You see things with a view that family caregivers might miss. I don't think kori is worried about money, since she explained it was in a trust. I got the feeling it was more the idea of an awkward marriage situation. I wouldn't be very comfortable with it, either. But we don't know if the caregiver even knows, as CM mentioned. Did you read the whole thread?

I agree with CountryMouse, maybe the Caregiver has zero interest in marrying koriphilios's Dad.... thus, there is no issue.

If the Dad feels grateful of the wonderful care the Caregiver had given his wife and now him, he can give her a gift of money [or whatever] now so he can see the smile and delight of her receiving said gift. He wouldn't see that once he passes.

Recently I gave my ex-mother-in-law a sum of money and she is so delighted, I hadn't heard her this happy in ages.... she has been a great friend to me even though her son and I had parted ways decades ago. I was going to leave her something in my Will but I had a light-bulb moment that maybe she would enjoy some of the money now... as she could very easily predecease me.

kori, petition for Guardianship immediately, do not delay. He probably already gave her POA, and the only way to trump that is Guardianship.

Wow. Maria has been mentioning marriage to him since the week after my mother died. When this started happening a year ago, he was very angry and disgusted by her suggestions, now he seems on board. Unbeknownst to me, my brothers tried to but her off with $5k to leave the scene; she refused, told my Dad, and now he isn't talking to either of them. So, it's just me handling everything since both of them are 2000+ miles away. Maria has consistently borrowed money from my Dad (and paid it back). The house is locked into the trust, as are the bank accounts (on all of which I am a signer). She wants to meet me at the park on Tuesday to discuss all of this; I don't want to discuss "all of this" with her because, to me, she is just the hired help. My relationship is with my Dad - to ensure his safety and stability, that's all I'm after.

It seems as if she is building a wall around him, bringing in a houseful of her friends and family to entertain him, and isolating him from his family. I have loved and honored my Dad for all of my life. Can I seek guardianship without having him declared incompetent? I didn't think so. Anyone talking to him would see that he is very sharp.

Also, ohdear, most of her family is in Mexico; she goes there many times a year.

So she can't touch the Trust or the Assets? Maybe she really loves him. Maybe she just wants citizenship. You are flying in 2000 miles for a chat in the park? How odd.

=) To clarify - my brothers both live 2000+ miles away from here. My Dad is only about 10 minutes up the freeway from where I live; sorry I was not clear. She is looking for medical insurance and a place to hide her settlement money so her ex cannot sue her for a portion of it to pay off her child support bill.

Kori, what did his lawyer say? Have you spoken to him since he got back from his meeting with her?

Ok, I'm now a bit puzzled. So having had his mind changed (by what means? - or would I be sorry I asked?) from his initial reaction of 'get lost', he is now contemplating marrying her so that she can continue to benefit from his assets after he passes away, and all the rest of it, and meanwhile she still gets to live her own life, shag whomever she likes, and so on and so on. And what, does he say, is in it for him? What's the appeal from his point of view?

Where is the ex? And what has she got against supporting her children?

This is turning into a Life Time movie script. I can't help any further.

Medical Insurance: she won't get Medicare, she's too young.
Settlement: She will still have to pay the child support.
None of this makes any sense.. I think Dad is losing it.
Get your own lawyer and talk it over. Talk about Guardianship.

Does your dad has a very good cross friend who could give him some advices?

freqflyer - The truth is often stranger than fiction. CM - Her kids both live with her ex (they are both teens), he is in real estate and in a slump; she is getting a large 75K settlement for a previous work related injury and is afraid he will seek it to pay for kids/child support. I think the benefit to HIM would be the knowledge that there is someone to take care of him until he dies (as he did for my mom). Pam - I agree it makes no sense; hence, my frustration! STP - I will have my Mother/Father in law go visit this weekend; there are a good touchstone for him. As far as close friends....no; he is predeceased by the majority of his friends. I am visiting the lawyer with him next week; I've invited Maria also so the lawyer can get all of her names and aliases and run a thorough background check - it is a start.

An attorney cannot do a background check on a person unless that person agrees in writing for that to be done. Do you think Maria will sign that piece of paper?

If she really wants to marry him and prove herself by transparency, yes. If not, it will, hopefully, create a question in the mind of my father as to her intentions.