My Dad (92) wants to marry his 50 year old caregiver to "financially protect" her. Any advice?

Why can a lawyer not do a background check? Doing them would seem to be important in defending a client.

I believe unless the person in question is under suspicion of a crime, one would need permission to do a background check.

A friend of the family, a retired judge, married his wife's caregiver, who was also about 40 yrs his junior, creating the same misgivings among family members. She ran through a lot of the assets of the family (with the help of a credit card given to her by her husband and then paid monthly out of the trust). The house is safe. She will get her husbands judges CALPERS retirement after he is gone, along with continuing health care benefits (no wonder CA is in such bad shape). And to think our taxes pay for that. Anyway, the family sued to stop access to the trust (it was an AB trust) and to declare him incompetent (he has Alzheimers, which is different from your situation, but at the point he married her , he was not incompetent). Things are still in limbo, but we should be finding out soon what is happening, as they will be visiting us before we move out of state. Good luck. I understand your concern about your father. I would be especially concerned with the possibility of her taking him to Mexico. Living in S. CA, people can disappear across the border and never be seen again. Be very cautious.

Talk to your Dad's doctor and see what his diagnosis is. Talk to your Dad at the time of day that is best for him. Tell him if he wants to marry her (don't let him know your feelings) then you would like a back ground check done on her if not already done. Also ask her that you want to see a credit check. ( you can run it on the computer with her present) They are free once a year. Many caregivers take advantage of people. But there are some good honest ones as well. Does she live with him? Stop in at his home at odd times. (Times you do not always go by)

I would not meet with the caregiver anywhere alone, for your own safety.

Sorry, forgot to add: there are 2 issues here - one is the possibility that you could be harmed, and the other is that you could be wrongfully accused of harming her. Please do be careful and don't give her that opportunity.

UPDATE: Dad met with his lawyer and CANNOT change the family trust which was established before my mother died. He decided against placing any of his assets in a questionable situation and has not married/is not in a relationship with Maria.
She is still employed and spends 3-4 hours a day at his home. It makes him happy and I do not want to take that away from him. Instead of going with us and our extended family (as he did last year) to the desert for Thanksgiving, he chose to let his caregiver host her family Thanksgiving at his home. He didn't have to do any of the work, and he enjoyed having his house filled with people. I am OK with it because I don't see that he is any danger. Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses; they really helped me find clarity and a difficult time.
Do you see anything here I'm not seeing?

That's good to hear. It sounds as if the trust is pretty watertight - maybe consider sending a bouquet to your late mother's attorneys?!

I think you're both wise and humane to let the dogs settle down to sleep again. And, as you say, if your father enjoys Maria's company and there is nothing untoward going on, then where's the harm? Thank you for updating, hope it all continues well.

If dad brings it up again, suggest to dad that he can protect and provide for her in better ways than marriage. Suggest that he pay for her health insurance or make a contribution to her health insurance, secondly suggest that he help caregiver set up a retirement account and he matches up to 5% of whatever she puts in, maybe even be generous and he gives her a 2500-5000 lump sum to start her out. That would be providing for her while not actually marrying.

Those are great ideas, Sunflo2!

Yes, alarm bells are going off for me. Well your father can't change his trust (why did he ask?) and he claims he is not in a relationship with this woman but he certainly will be if he marries her whether he likes it or not. A legal one.

Why is she discussing her financial issues with him and her financial needs? Is she playing on his sympathies? Hoping to get money? Or just a social person who feels a closeness with him. And let her have boyfriends! Yikes, a stranger with such influence over his legal wife. And she is not an American citizen.

Why would he not want to have Thanksgiving with his family (which is odd) but with a caregiver. So many red flags here.

I would just keep a close eye on him and like someone else said, drop in unexpectedly.

And I don't think you are greedy as one person said. If my husband had not protected his mother a con artist would have taken advantage of her and taken everything she had. He had a criminal record and conned her in church.

Can't be too careful.

I hope it all continues to go well...it sounds like your Dad's assets are protected. You do not sound like you are in it at all for the finances, but for the protection of your Dad, which I totally agree with! Also, as far as I know...You do NOT need the permission of someone to do a background check on them...at least I didn't get one when I suspected a man I was dating of some improprieties...I paid a PI to do one and I was 100% on the money...and he was 100% out the door...no permission needed....

This sounds like elder abuse and financial exploitation, which is in fact criminal behavior. Despite the chance that it is not, I would recommend contacting law enforcement.

http://www.preventelderabuse.org/elderabuse/fin_abuse.html

This website identifies professing love and similar activities as elder abuse. Providing care is a profession; she should not be able to do what she is doing for financial reasons.

Even if they have already married, it is not too late to contact law enforcement.

why does everyone assume the caregiver is doing something to influence him? It sounds like its his idea to me...and older men tend to like to make a lot of promises when they want sex, and who else but the closest person to him can fit the bill? It;s not like hes going to go out and get a girlfriend. how do you know hes not the one being MANIPULATIVE? Trying to buy her affection? Im just saying...it sure does seem like aa witch trial from here.