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Mom and Dad were married for 70 years; Mom died one year ago. Maria was a part-time care giver for Mom and has been a part-time assistant for Dad since then. He is 92, very sharp and still athletic (rides his bike daily, drives, etc.)

In the last two weeks he has brought up multiple times the idea of marrying her and why it would be beneficial for HER if he were to do so. He wants to thank her for taking care of him by marrying her so she 1) gets his insurance benefits, 2) receives his social security benefits, 3) can shelter money from her ex-husband. He says she can still have boyfriends and live her normal life.

Needless to say, I am flipping out. He is taking his paperwork to his lawyer today to talk with her about this.

This is disgusting and he refuses to see that she is manipulating and preying on him. Please help. Any advice is appreciated.

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why does everyone assume the caregiver is doing something to influence him? It sounds like its his idea to me...and older men tend to like to make a lot of promises when they want sex, and who else but the closest person to him can fit the bill? It;s not like hes going to go out and get a girlfriend. how do you know hes not the one being MANIPULATIVE? Trying to buy her affection? Im just saying...it sure does seem like aa witch trial from here.
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This sounds like elder abuse and financial exploitation, which is in fact criminal behavior. Despite the chance that it is not, I would recommend contacting law enforcement.

http://www.preventelderabuse.org/elderabuse/fin_abuse.html

This website identifies professing love and similar activities as elder abuse. Providing care is a profession; she should not be able to do what she is doing for financial reasons.

Even if they have already married, it is not too late to contact law enforcement.
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I hope it all continues to go well...it sounds like your Dad's assets are protected. You do not sound like you are in it at all for the finances, but for the protection of your Dad, which I totally agree with! Also, as far as I know...You do NOT need the permission of someone to do a background check on them...at least I didn't get one when I suspected a man I was dating of some improprieties...I paid a PI to do one and I was 100% on the money...and he was 100% out the door...no permission needed....
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Yes, alarm bells are going off for me. Well your father can't change his trust (why did he ask?) and he claims he is not in a relationship with this woman but he certainly will be if he marries her whether he likes it or not. A legal one.

Why is she discussing her financial issues with him and her financial needs? Is she playing on his sympathies? Hoping to get money? Or just a social person who feels a closeness with him. And let her have boyfriends! Yikes, a stranger with such influence over his legal wife. And she is not an American citizen.

Why would he not want to have Thanksgiving with his family (which is odd) but with a caregiver. So many red flags here.

I would just keep a close eye on him and like someone else said, drop in unexpectedly.

And I don't think you are greedy as one person said. If my husband had not protected his mother a con artist would have taken advantage of her and taken everything she had. He had a criminal record and conned her in church.

Can't be too careful.
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Those are great ideas, Sunflo2!
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If dad brings it up again, suggest to dad that he can protect and provide for her in better ways than marriage. Suggest that he pay for her health insurance or make a contribution to her health insurance, secondly suggest that he help caregiver set up a retirement account and he matches up to 5% of whatever she puts in, maybe even be generous and he gives her a 2500-5000 lump sum to start her out. That would be providing for her while not actually marrying.
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That's good to hear. It sounds as if the trust is pretty watertight - maybe consider sending a bouquet to your late mother's attorneys?!

I think you're both wise and humane to let the dogs settle down to sleep again. And, as you say, if your father enjoys Maria's company and there is nothing untoward going on, then where's the harm? Thank you for updating, hope it all continues well.
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UPDATE: Dad met with his lawyer and CANNOT change the family trust which was established before my mother died. He decided against placing any of his assets in a questionable situation and has not married/is not in a relationship with Maria.
She is still employed and spends 3-4 hours a day at his home. It makes him happy and I do not want to take that away from him. Instead of going with us and our extended family (as he did last year) to the desert for Thanksgiving, he chose to let his caregiver host her family Thanksgiving at his home. He didn't have to do any of the work, and he enjoyed having his house filled with people. I am OK with it because I don't see that he is any danger. Thanks, everyone, for your thoughtful responses; they really helped me find clarity and a difficult time.
Do you see anything here I'm not seeing?
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Sorry, forgot to add: there are 2 issues here - one is the possibility that you could be harmed, and the other is that you could be wrongfully accused of harming her. Please do be careful and don't give her that opportunity.
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I would not meet with the caregiver anywhere alone, for your own safety.
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Talk to your Dad's doctor and see what his diagnosis is. Talk to your Dad at the time of day that is best for him. Tell him if he wants to marry her (don't let him know your feelings) then you would like a back ground check done on her if not already done. Also ask her that you want to see a credit check. ( you can run it on the computer with her present) They are free once a year. Many caregivers take advantage of people. But there are some good honest ones as well. Does she live with him? Stop in at his home at odd times. (Times you do not always go by)
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A friend of the family, a retired judge, married his wife's caregiver, who was also about 40 yrs his junior, creating the same misgivings among family members. She ran through a lot of the assets of the family (with the help of a credit card given to her by her husband and then paid monthly out of the trust). The house is safe. She will get her husbands judges CALPERS retirement after he is gone, along with continuing health care benefits (no wonder CA is in such bad shape). And to think our taxes pay for that. Anyway, the family sued to stop access to the trust (it was an AB trust) and to declare him incompetent (he has Alzheimers, which is different from your situation, but at the point he married her , he was not incompetent). Things are still in limbo, but we should be finding out soon what is happening, as they will be visiting us before we move out of state. Good luck. I understand your concern about your father. I would be especially concerned with the possibility of her taking him to Mexico. Living in S. CA, people can disappear across the border and never be seen again. Be very cautious.
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I believe unless the person in question is under suspicion of a crime, one would need permission to do a background check.
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Why can a lawyer not do a background check? Doing them would seem to be important in defending a client.
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If she really wants to marry him and prove herself by transparency, yes. If not, it will, hopefully, create a question in the mind of my father as to her intentions.
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An attorney cannot do a background check on a person unless that person agrees in writing for that to be done. Do you think Maria will sign that piece of paper?
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freqflyer - The truth is often stranger than fiction. CM - Her kids both live with her ex (they are both teens), he is in real estate and in a slump; she is getting a large 75K settlement for a previous work related injury and is afraid he will seek it to pay for kids/child support. I think the benefit to HIM would be the knowledge that there is someone to take care of him until he dies (as he did for my mom). Pam - I agree it makes no sense; hence, my frustration! STP - I will have my Mother/Father in law go visit this weekend; there are a good touchstone for him. As far as close friends....no; he is predeceased by the majority of his friends. I am visiting the lawyer with him next week; I've invited Maria also so the lawyer can get all of her names and aliases and run a thorough background check - it is a start.
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Does your dad has a very good cross friend who could give him some advices?
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Medical Insurance: she won't get Medicare, she's too young.
Settlement: She will still have to pay the child support.
None of this makes any sense.. I think Dad is losing it.
Get your own lawyer and talk it over. Talk about Guardianship.
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This is turning into a Life Time movie script. I can't help any further.
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Where is the ex? And what has she got against supporting her children?
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Kori, what did his lawyer say? Have you spoken to him since he got back from his meeting with her?

Ok, I'm now a bit puzzled. So having had his mind changed (by what means? - or would I be sorry I asked?) from his initial reaction of 'get lost', he is now contemplating marrying her so that she can continue to benefit from his assets after he passes away, and all the rest of it, and meanwhile she still gets to live her own life, shag whomever she likes, and so on and so on. And what, does he say, is in it for him? What's the appeal from his point of view?
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=) To clarify - my brothers both live 2000+ miles away from here. My Dad is only about 10 minutes up the freeway from where I live; sorry I was not clear. She is looking for medical insurance and a place to hide her settlement money so her ex cannot sue her for a portion of it to pay off her child support bill.
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So she can't touch the Trust or the Assets? Maybe she really loves him. Maybe she just wants citizenship. You are flying in 2000 miles for a chat in the park? How odd.
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Also, ohdear, most of her family is in Mexico; she goes there many times a year.
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It seems as if she is building a wall around him, bringing in a houseful of her friends and family to entertain him, and isolating him from his family. I have loved and honored my Dad for all of my life. Can I seek guardianship without having him declared incompetent? I didn't think so. Anyone talking to him would see that he is very sharp.
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Wow. Maria has been mentioning marriage to him since the week after my mother died. When this started happening a year ago, he was very angry and disgusted by her suggestions, now he seems on board. Unbeknownst to me, my brothers tried to but her off with $5k to leave the scene; she refused, told my Dad, and now he isn't talking to either of them. So, it's just me handling everything since both of them are 2000+ miles away. Maria has consistently borrowed money from my Dad (and paid it back). The house is locked into the trust, as are the bank accounts (on all of which I am a signer). She wants to meet me at the park on Tuesday to discuss all of this; I don't want to discuss "all of this" with her because, to me, she is just the hired help. My relationship is with my Dad - to ensure his safety and stability, that's all I'm after.
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kori, petition for Guardianship immediately, do not delay. He probably already gave her POA, and the only way to trump that is Guardianship.
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I agree with CountryMouse, maybe the Caregiver has zero interest in marrying koriphilios's Dad.... thus, there is no issue.

If the Dad feels grateful of the wonderful care the Caregiver had given his wife and now him, he can give her a gift of money [or whatever] now so he can see the smile and delight of her receiving said gift. He wouldn't see that once he passes.

Recently I gave my ex-mother-in-law a sum of money and she is so delighted, I hadn't heard her this happy in ages.... she has been a great friend to me even though her son and I had parted ways decades ago. I was going to leave her something in my Will but I had a light-bulb moment that maybe she would enjoy some of the money now... as she could very easily predecease me.
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Ohdear, you need to fill in your profile so people will see you're a caregiver by profession. You see things with a view that family caregivers might miss. I don't think kori is worried about money, since she explained it was in a trust. I got the feeling it was more the idea of an awkward marriage situation. I wouldn't be very comfortable with it, either. But we don't know if the caregiver even knows, as CM mentioned. Did you read the whole thread?
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