My Dad has suddenly started talking about his sexual exploits as a young man in the Army. What do I do?

When the person with dementia suddenly becomes aware of our "technique" it really can throw us. I've been there and felt like I had the proverbial egg on my face. Yet, we must soldier on.

Sometimes just being caught trying to redirect will actually accomplish the purpose since that can start another conversation while we start literally walking away from the issue (using the parking lot example).

My dad, however, would keep going back to the issue. Then I just had to cope the best I could with the moment and move forward. We won't always have a "solution." That's one of the many things that makes caring for a person with dementia so difficult. We do our best and go forward.

I do think that most onlookers, when they realize that something is "wrong" with the person we are trying to redirect, are sympathetic rather than judgmental. That being said, I've had to cope with us being stared at as people think "what is wrong with those people?"

We do what we can and develop thicker skin. It's hard.
Carol

Dcoach is right on. The central fact is, it seems to me, that dad does not realize that what he is saying is likely to get some people (perhaps anyone who hears it) upset.
Parallel story: years ago, a very dignified distant cousin had Alzheimer's...at a get together at the family home she went into the bathroom and came out naked. Her husband did not get upset in the least, but took her into the bedroom, saying, "honey, let's find an outfit that will be more comfortable." Moments later, they reappeared, she dressed and he saying, "doesn't she look great in this outfit?"
We don't get embarrassed when a baby soils a diaper. That's what babies do.

Grace + Peace
Bob

This kind of behavior is not uncommon in people with some forms of dementia. Their "filter", the part of the brain which reminds us to not always say everything we are thinking, is dying/becoming less effective. They may also begin to tell stories which did not happen but which they very much believe. Both of these can cause concern for caregivers.

It can be difficult but you could simply not react to the stories but move on to another subject. If it is a story about your mom (his wife) you might respond with something like "you really loved mom, didn't you" or "mom was great and we all miss her" or "tell me about how you and mom met". It can seem awkward but worry less about what others will think of him or you if he tells those stories to someone outside of the family. He has dementia and will engage in a lot of behaviors which will be difficult to explain - it is simply part of the disease and part of the caregiving process.

People with dementia will repeat their behaviors. That, too, is part of the disease. Constantly redirecting is the name of the game. It can get tiring for the caregiver. It may also frustrate the person with dementia although they are unlikely to remember that you redirected them just a few minutes ago (depending on where they are in the disease process). Remember that you cannot "teach" them that a particular behavior is not acceptable. As the disease progresses there is almost no teaching that can go on because so little information is retained. This is specific for a degenerative dementia such as Alz.

In the parking lot example you shared, it may be helpful for you to scan the parking lot to see if there is someone wearing bright colors to whom she might be attracted. They you could redirect her attention or, if she sees the person, say something like "you are right, that is a nice color she is wearing . . . now let's go inside the store and see what they have". Many people are more aware of dementia than perhaps ten years ago so most people seem to be understanding. If they seem confused when she talks to them, you could softly say to them "she has dementia, thank you for understanding".

Dad has lost his filter, you cannot replace it for him, all you can do is develop one of your own for when he starts these conversations.

@Dcoach
So a caregiver needs to develop a lists of redirects that fit the person? My sister is a formerly super-high functioning person; sometimes she knows when I am using a technique. Also sometimes, I am so floored by her behaviors that I am speechless.

Love these comments...very wise and every one applicable to my own situation with my wife in nursing home...(dementia compounded with Parkinson's,) I'm there every day, and to myself I call 'techniques' addresses in neighborhoods of the mind. I seek references to which both can learn to respond to one another. Sort of like mind mapping on the fly. I love the parking lot idea. Thank you for that. The mind wants to go into a certain store, that is not safe...so you 'redirect, another good word..thanks..'redirect' attention to another address you both can benefit from, a metaphor for that desire to express within a new frame of references built between you. Yesterday I wheeled my love in her wheel chair outside and we watched the rain come down..After a while as I watched her eyes start to scan the drops hitting the trees and then the ground where it made little rivers. I associated those drops with their little rivers with changes occurring in the family and in ourselves...she began to smile...rain and little rivers, her, me, family. She smiled some more the first smiles brightened a formerly sad day. Some neurologists claim that the brain, even with dementia, can still learn and establish new references..That despite the impediment of dementia, the brain can map 'new rivers' of thought...conversational 'trail markers' sign posts, to assist both travelers through the journey of sharing ideas. I love the comment..."validate and redirect." Thank you so very much for asking this question. This has helped me more than I can say.

Our great grandfather who lived into his mid-nineties became overly familiar with his young granddaughters...me for one. He tried to give me a mush kiss in the mouth when I 20. I told him to knock it off and not to do that again. He didn't, at least not to me. Is there anything wrong with remonstrating with these people instead of re-directing? Maybe they need to feel the sting of a little anger.

Oh please, we aren't talking bible stuff here.

Ihall65~Your are speaking of sexually inappropriate WORDS that you can choose not to take personally & to look at it differently. I am not a religious person. I AM SPIRIT, who has a body.

Sorry this is happening to you. And what you are reading - it's all true - he used to have the judgement to realize that he needed to keep those stories under his hat, and he doesn't any more; sadly, there is no replacement "filter" handy when the human brain loses the one it's supposed to have. If the stories are criminal in nature, and redirection does not work, you probably want a great deal more privacy in his life, unless they are also told in a way that does not seem at all credible...you can honestly tell others who overhear that "he never used to tell these stories before he developed Alzheimer's, we don't know that any of them really happened!" You might also tell his doctor that this is going on; though there is no really great substitute for good judgement, sometimes medication or medication changes can be of a little help; some medications can have a side effect of increasing disinhibition or increasing sexual urges so adjustments if he is on any and avoiding them in the future could be important.