My Dad is dying but keeps asking me when he's going to get better - not sure what to tell him?

Are 'not' we all dying?! Your Dad states he is on a 'train'...your Dad talks with relatives that have passed on. These are 'end of life'events that occur. If your Dad was mine...I would say, "I'm sorry you don't feel better". "can I get you something to make you feel comfortable?" "I love you Dad and I don't want you to be in any pain." Your answer to Him was SO perfect, when You told Him when He will know what 'stop' to get off on.. That was so beautiful and loving! Big Hug to You.

I tried holding back the tears while reading your post, but it hurt too much. So I let them flow.

My father, after the hospital told me there wasn't anything else they could do, asked me the same question. I couldn't lie to him, so I said "No. So I'm taking you home." He asked me how long he had, and I said "Maybe a month."

He was gone a week later. The last words he said to me as I bathed him were "Thank you."

Your father knows. Just hold his hand and pretend it doesn't hurt.

agree with sandwich and wannek. Give an optimistic but non committal answer.
Keep it to the present-not the future. Emphasize that you want him to feel better and will do whatever you can to make that happen. Hopefully that will calm him a bit. focus on what you can do for him in the moment.

I read your post and being in the medical field myself and recently losing my dad and also lost my mom and husband I have found from my own personal experience that people usually know when their time is limited they are just in denial. The only member of my family that had NO fear at all and accepted it without my even touching on the subject was my dad. All I remember asking him 2 months before is if he believed in God and when he said YES that was it for me. I NEVER told him and gave him whatever he asked for no matter what from pickles to chocolate bars. His wishes were my desire to make him very happy and comfortable. I miss him terribly and freaked out at the time but now a month later I knew I did the RIGHT thing and never needed to tell him. WHAT FOR??? Why put the fear of the unknown into him. Let him be and give him what he wants and when he passes he is just losing the physical but the soul lives on. Energy never dies. Do NOT EVER lie to him and do NOT sugarcoat it. YOU will have guilt if you do that. Lots of love lots of love, kisses and tell him like I did how much you love him. That is VERY important so they can peacefully go knowing how much they were loved. So nice! I did it with my dad for months upon months before and I have NO guilt as he knew how much his daughter loved him. Lots of love and light, LL

Reverseroles: Your technique sounds a tad cruel. But who knows, maybe reverse psychology would work?? I don't know.

i would want to know. Your Dad seems to be running through the present scenarios - and coming up with questions. He trusts you, or he'd not ask. You don't mention your Faith. On a level of compassion and humanity, you can tell him, each day: "if you're feelng better tomorrow, what would you like to do, or where wold you like to go?" Can you see to it that he can have that wish - even if it's to go to the zoo, or a park, or a car ride. Perhaps there's a friend he'd like to visit -- or someone he'd like to talk with on the phone? Hospice has many resources available - please let them know that this is a concern, as it does effect his overall well-being, and physical health as well as mental/emotional status. Dad's know when we 'kids' try to skirt around an answer. Cancer, dementia, or extreme surgery -- believe me, they truly do know. He may have 2 days or 2 years -- that's in God's plans.

i had the nightshift for my Dad - morphine under the tongue, every four hours for pain - and i talked to him each 'dose' and stroked his hair/kissed his forehead, as i thanked him for everything he taught me. i truly thought he was "out of it" for the preceeding 3 days, deep deep slumber ... but about 5 hours later, he said "... i learned more from you. i'm glad i got to be your Dad." And he blinked, indicating he wanted me to kiss him on the forehead. Be gentle, but honest ... have someone with you at the time if you need to, but your Dad has earned the choice to have peace of mind. And the choice to do whatever it is that he's putting off - even if it's sorting his sock drawer.

Sorry - just my viewpoint. Hospice guided us through the death of my sister and my Dad. They truly are angels with car keys.

May God bless and guide you both ~ you're a very loving, caring child ~ and i know in my heart that you already know the answer. Your Dad has raised you well.

Our mutual friends visited our place less then 5 minutes... they did only cry....

Most majority people(include with family members) are doesn't know what or how to say/talk to cancer patients... because their mental functioning are much higher than other disease. So our mutual friends came to see him and me.
When he knew his life is going to end soon... he asked me that "Do you know I'm dying" "Yes I do know...." while I was with him I had a question for him, but he did answer my question before I asked..... That was what to tell his friends when they called, just say "he is doing much better then what I expected" It was not true but that way he wishes to do so...
I understand that every situations are different, when we become CG.. just do whatever best for love ones.

Zebra, your father's question "When will I get better?" is possibly a veiled way of asking "Am I going to die soon?" It's also possible that he is not facing the possibility of death at all. Perhaps he thinks his current condition is how life will be from now on. It really is impossible to know what is going through his mind, much less his subconscious. Sounds to me like you are handling this as well as anyone possibly could. The important thing is that you are there for him. So many have to face their last days alone and neglected. Blessings to you and your Dad.

SO sorry zebra... My Mom is not doing well right now, but an entirely different situation. I know how much it hurts me, though, when she asks questions I can't or don't want to answer... Whatever you say, you know you're saying it with love and care for your Dad, and that makes it OK... (I agreed with Dustien - above - until the last thought of bringing up "non of us get out of this world alive..." From my perspective, that is a real trigger statement, and could be taken by your Dad as a "message" - which it is - and upset him?)

zebra492 Years back my mom would made statements like. I don't think there is a God, I pray for him to take me, and I think he just doesn't want me. Well, everyone has their own faith and thought patterns of course, and I would say to her, everyone's body is different, mom, some are just stronger than others and last longer. " She would make statements like, "well I guess I always did work hard, so maybe that is why I've lasted so long. She was 98 when she passed.
So that thought might help you with your dad, by saying, "you know, everyone's body is different, some it takes less time to get well, and others it takes longer, we just have to take it day by day." Your are just making a statement that is basically true, and he might be satisfied with it.

Zebra, I think you're doing a great job, perhaps he just needs reassuring that it will be ok at the end.
It's possible to be ok with the idea of being dead, but afraid of the transition between life/death.
You could keep reminding him he's loved, if he's in pain let you know so you can get meds.
As the time comes let him know it's okay to let go and leave.
I did this with my late partner who I knew was dying and fighting it. I held his hand and said very quietly " it's okay my love, you can go now, I'll be with you soon. I love you." He died very peacefully within minutes.
It broke my heart to lose him, but this was the final gift of love I could give him ~
the assurance/reassurance that it was ok to go.
I'm not recommending to anyone else that they promise to join their loved one soon. I knew that, he was well aware I didn't want to live and had pledged to stay with him as long as he was here. So I was letting him know it was ok, I'd kept my word and I knew my promise could end now.

Thanks for all the helpful advice, Everyone! Dad knew what his prognosis was, at least at one point. I have asked him if there is anyone he wants to see, a priest, his estranged brother, those sorts of things. He always says, "No." I will continue with what we're doing and be on the lookout for changes (like he decided he does want to see his estranged brother). Until then, he's sort of calling the shots.

Its called therputic lies, yes you tell him he is doing great and you talk positive until its over. We went thru it with my MIL. We talked positive right thru her ordeal. One morning she just started snoring and never woke up. She slept 5 days and passed in her sleep. (Brain Tumor) We were always saying she is doing great.

I don't know if this is a job for you or a licensed social worker.

My husband has never asked when he is getting well....he just says, I think I will be better in two weeks. This is hard for me. Hospice gave me a book that tells some of the things to look for and "going home" is one of them. Lately, my husband is on a "train ride". He asked me why he was in a bed on the train and I told him the family got him an upgrade to a Pullman. He was pleased. Then he wanted to know how he would know when to get off. I told him that when I traveled, my aunt and uncle were at the station to greet me. He has been "chatting" with dead relatives. I told him that when he sees his mother, dad and grandmother, that it is the station and he should get off. This was hard, but not as hard as the next question. "Will I be able to walk off the train." I told him yes....then I went out of the room and had a good cry. This is not easy, but this site is very helpful where you find people who are going through just what you are. God bless you and lots of hugs.

Partsmom, I believe you're right about the house. The cost basis is the original value when it was bought, if signed over. The basis is fair market value at the time of death when it's an inheritance, so usually less capital gain to pay tax on upon the sale that way.

This is just an observation, but something made me wonder... have you considered that perhaps your dad knows that he is dying, and by asking you, maybe he's trying to find out if YOU know…perhaps he wants to talk about it but doesn't know how to bring it up? I'm sure that he loves you and it could be that wants to protect your feelings. It's hard to know, but it's just something to consider. I pray that you both get through this time peacefully.

No- signing over the house is something you probably shouldn't do. The tax situation is usually much for favorable in an inheritance than a gift--talk to a tax adviser first.

My prayers are with you. FYI- even a person "fighting" those damn tumors isn't enough. Brother-in-law (at 50 years old) lasted 11 months after he first felt numbness in his hand. Two brain surgeries, multiple rounds of radiation/chemo, experimental treatment of some sort, stroke after 5 months. He fought as hard as possible but often those tumors are unstoppable.

I agree with sandwich. Hope without overdoing it...does anyone really want to know/face the knowledge of their last days when there is nothing to be done? I don't see how the reality will help him at this point. So provide comforting words like "we all certainly want you to get better too and are doing everything we can", rather than a blatant lie like "yeah you're getting better" . It's all in the degree, but it sounds like mentally so important for him to hold on to some level of optimism. Best to you

I would just tell dad the kind, evasive answer.
Whatever it seems will calm him in the moment.
If he needs to hear words of hope, find some even if it's a therapeutic fib!

I went through a similar experience with my dad. He was very frightened of death and kept asking me what his chances were. My answer was that it all depended on him. You can give the same answer in this case. My dad never got hospice care because he was so frightened of dying, I thought that bringing in hospice would alarm him even further, but also the doctors and nurses attending him didn't think hospice was warranted as he did not seem to be in pain.

Hi Zebra-92. I'm very sure if I found Myself in Your shoes I would definitely tell Your Dad. (1) So that Your Dad could see a Priest, and have Confession and be prepared for the next Life.
(2) Your Dad may wish to get His affairs in order, and sign the Family home over to You, and to get Your Name added to His Bank account, etc.
It any of Us were told that We had only little time left, We would have need of o tie up all of Our loose ends. I'm very sure it's the same for Your Dad. I think it is best to be honest and tell Your Dad the way it is.

I'm sorry Zebra-492 that You have got to shoulder this alone. It is a horrible position to be in. I wish You and Your Dad, God's Grace and Peace.

The next time he has an appointment you and he Doctor should inform him of his prognosis . I did that with my wife when she was diagnosed with ALZ

(I wish we could go back and edit our answers!)

I meant.... No desire on my part to be insensitive here at all.

I'm new at this... but why do I get the feeling dad should know he is dying... I sure would want to know. And if he is in denial about it, but keeps asking, I would keep saying so until it sinks in, only then can he be prepared to face the hereafter. Isn't it robbing him of his opportunity to get right with others and or God if he is cajoled into thinking he is okay when he's not? I am not trying to be mean or insensitive or whatever.... I just think when it comes to death, a person needs to be as aware as possible.

Of course, I'm a Christian who happens to have the gift of faith and I do believe in the hereafter, so it's easy for me to say.... "Oh my goodness... he needs to know and to be thinking about what it means!" No desire to be insensitive here at all....

My grandmother constantly asks when she will get better. I think it's her way of staying in denial. For a narcissist to die means that they're not immortal; something that just can't be in their mind. If your father is a narcissist it helps to Google it so that you know how to deal with that type a personality. Sometimes I tell her the truth because I think in a way it comforts her since she is a very intelligent person and deep inside knows the truth. But most of the time I just let her know that everything's gonna be OK, because that's what the question really is - she's reaching out because she scared, after all she's never done this dying thing before. So we talk about the 23rd Psalm and how death is harmless like a shadow. It's a relationship with a person so being sincere, telling compassionate lies sometimes, being honest, being frustrated, it's all part of it but as long as it's coming out of a loving place they are receptive to whatever you have to say.

Vegaslady, thank you thank you thank you for recommending that video.

I've read about it a hundred times it seems, but hearing it and seeing it spoken by such an obviously compassionate individual has been a profoundly moving experience. I wish there was a way everyone involved in healthcare could hear that lecture, it should have a million views instead of 50 thousand.

My father and brother were both like your father, deniers up to the end. Whereas my stepdaughter who is dying from breast cancer at 50 talks about dying all the time, how long she has left, how she will feel in the end, she is facing it straightforward. It is amazing how different people are, there is no one correct way to handle this difficult time. Just remember that as someone said previously, this is not your fault, there is only so much you can do - don't be angry with yourself. It sounds like you are handling things as need to be. Best wishes for you and your father.