My Dad is dying but keeps asking me when he's going to get better - not sure what to tell him?

I would say "I'm sorry Dad, we're doing everything we can to help keep you comfortable". You might follow that by asking if there is anything he wants you to do for him.
You don't say how old your father is or if he has any other health concerns or previous dementia, so it's hard to be specific. What has the doctor told him, what was his original prognosis? If he has been fighting for a cure has he been specifically told that the treatment has failed? Hospice should be offering you some guidance in this.

cwillie, thank you for your suggestion. It is a good one and I will use that should it come up again.

As for your questions, I was trying to be brief because there are so many issues with my Dad, most of them mental and social. He is 75 and his health was pretty much fine before the tumors presented themselves. No, there was/is no dementia or anything like that.

One of my sad revelations is that my Dad isn't a fighter. Initially, he said he wanted to live, but then did nothing to lengthen his life. Getting him to appointments took hours of cajoling, bribery, fighting. Getting him out of bed and moving resulted in combative behavior. One might think that this was all a result of brain surgery, but in fact, Dad's always been like this. When faced with a difficult situation, my Dad cooks dinner and sits and watches TV. To the doctors he was mentally competent, so he had a right to refuse care. So, if he didn't want to get up, he didn't. If he didn't want to eat, he didn't. Now, he can't do either.

So, like I said, Dad's fading. Not sure how long he has since I am convinced that his current condition isn't just a resurgence of the tumors, but because of his own stubborn behavior. Yes, hospice is involved at this point...finally (a whole other story).

But because of how he has lived his life, has chosen to live (or not) since he's been home, his refusal (real or implied) to discuss dying, I'm just not sure what to say when he asks, "When am I going to get better?"

If he is still mentally competent, which you say he is, then I would let him discuss his medical condition and prognosis with his doctor.

You can give him support and love and even go with him. I realize that keeping things from dementia patients is sometimes advisable, because they are not able to process it and they forget and you would have to tell them over and over again, but if he is competent, I would have a difficult time not letting him know what the doctor says about his condition.

Tell him that you don't know when he will get better but that everything will be all right. One way or another, so it will. And make sure he knows to tell you if he needs to be made more comfortable. And try not to worry too much about giving him the right answer: some questions don't have an answer, and that isn't your fault.

I think if he wanted to face that he is dying, he would ask you that directly. So, if later on he does, tell him the truth.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.

Thank you, Sunnygirl, for your suggestion. But there is no getting him to the doctor now. Hospice comes twice a week. Dad WAS mentally competent. He has moments of lucidity now mixed with a lot of hallucinations. For example, he knows who we all are and will asks me about my kids, but then tells me about the neighbor's herd of horses. Dad's favorite is the grey that prances. It's the largest of the herd, no bigger than a Pomeranian dog. I'm supposed to bring the horse trailer up so I can take the herd home and board the horses at my farm. I've told him to tell the neighbor that I have a stall all ready to go.

If I Google "Signs of Death", I get a list of 10 signs that all match my Dad. As is the case, I'm sure, with others, he's had some of these symptoms for some time. He has lost a great deal of weight, is very frail and moving is now painful. He has to take pain medication before he can be moved to change his Depends (incontinence was off and on but is now a constant), he's barely eaten for some time, drinks little, stops breathing for up to 50 seconds at a time. He is awake for awhile in the mornings but sleeps most of the day. He's awake sometimes at night.

If he isn't clear-headed enough to know that he's dying, I personally would not tell him. It's hard to give advice without knowing the person. If he asked you if he was dying, I would give you different advice.

When I was caring for my dear friend 6 month (no time off 24/7)with Cancer whom with Hospice care was visit him every other day for about last 2 months of his life... He knew that his life is ending at anytime,so he asked me to set up appointment/arrangement with Catholic priest... I did, so Farther came to visit him. my friend passed very peacefully a month later..... Can you ask your dad,he is wishing for the church member to visit or would you like to contact with Priest/ Farther...? I do feel for you.

I'm thinking that the oncologist at some point probably told him there was nothing more to be done and that he had xxx amount of time left, so he has always known, he just chooses not to believe. And it sounds like denial is typical of your father, I like to describe it as "if I don't look at the tiger about to bite my a** it isn't really be there". Just try to do whatever seems right to help keep him comfortable, both mentally and physically.

Does he really need to know his prognosis? Will it make a difference? My ex, also a glioblastoma multiforme patient feared aging and death while he was healthy. It was kindest just to remind him we (his friends, family, and I) were all together in the fight, no matter what. CyberHugs to you.

I think you are all correct in that he knew there would be an end, he just doesn't want to "see" it. It's just when he asks the question that I'm not sure what to do. It sounds like in general that if he doesn't want to face it, I shouldn't force the issue (which I haven't) and to keep supportive words coming (which I have).

So in general, I'm just being uncertain. Thank you all for your words of advice and your hugs!

This doesn't answer your question, but I recommend watching Gone From My Sight on YouTube. 96 minutes of a hospice nurse talking about the dying process. Not as depressing as it sounds.

My mom had lung cancer and during fighting it, sihe had a serious attack of diverticulitis that she'd fought all her life and had to have surgery. She didn't do well and after and eventually the Dr's told us they had done all they could do, that she was going to die within a few days. They had her on morphine to the point she wasn't aware we were in the room. We all discussed if she would want to know she were dying in order to say goodbye, but we all agreed, knowing mom, she wouldn't want to know. So we kept her morphine levels high enough she never work up. She died peacefully. We did the right thing and were fortunately enough to have a Dr. who would let us do it. Many would have allowed only enough to take pain but not enough to render them in a twilight state...

Sounds to me like your father would not want to know... I wouldn't tell him he wasn't going to get better when asked. You could just say... I don't know dad..but I do know that everyone is doing all they can to help..that they only want the best for you. Then in a humorous voice tell him to "Keep in mind that eventually none of us get out of this world alive, and that includes you and me, so whatever will be will be".. Maybe that will help him talk about death if he wants to, but if not, then I'd let it go.

Lots of good advice here. I would suggest googling "Dying Matters."
Other than that if asked "We're all doing everything we can. If the Dr said
that you wouldn't get better (rather than using words he might not want to face),
is there anyone you'd like to see? Talk to? Is there anything special you'd like to do?"
I'd suggest that if physical contact is possible, in a lucid time hold his hand and say something along the lines of
"Do you remember that clock (sure you can come up with one) that we used to
wind up every day/week? (don't worry if no answer keep going) Over time the mechanism starts to wear and bit by bit each time it's wound up it runs down that bit sooner until finally no amount of winding can make it work.
Well, in some ways Dad, we're all like that clock. We keep getting rewound, but there comes a time for all of us when we just stop ticking. Know one knows the when, but we are all here loving you and we will go on doing just that."

My father and brother were both like your father, deniers up to the end. Whereas my stepdaughter who is dying from breast cancer at 50 talks about dying all the time, how long she has left, how she will feel in the end, she is facing it straightforward. It is amazing how different people are, there is no one correct way to handle this difficult time. Just remember that as someone said previously, this is not your fault, there is only so much you can do - don't be angry with yourself. It sounds like you are handling things as need to be. Best wishes for you and your father.

Vegaslady, thank you thank you thank you for recommending that video.

I've read about it a hundred times it seems, but hearing it and seeing it spoken by such an obviously compassionate individual has been a profoundly moving experience. I wish there was a way everyone involved in healthcare could hear that lecture, it should have a million views instead of 50 thousand.

My grandmother constantly asks when she will get better. I think it's her way of staying in denial. For a narcissist to die means that they're not immortal; something that just can't be in their mind. If your father is a narcissist it helps to Google it so that you know how to deal with that type a personality. Sometimes I tell her the truth because I think in a way it comforts her since she is a very intelligent person and deep inside knows the truth. But most of the time I just let her know that everything's gonna be OK, because that's what the question really is - she's reaching out because she scared, after all she's never done this dying thing before. So we talk about the 23rd Psalm and how death is harmless like a shadow. It's a relationship with a person so being sincere, telling compassionate lies sometimes, being honest, being frustrated, it's all part of it but as long as it's coming out of a loving place they are receptive to whatever you have to say.

I'm new at this... but why do I get the feeling dad should know he is dying... I sure would want to know. And if he is in denial about it, but keeps asking, I would keep saying so until it sinks in, only then can he be prepared to face the hereafter. Isn't it robbing him of his opportunity to get right with others and or God if he is cajoled into thinking he is okay when he's not? I am not trying to be mean or insensitive or whatever.... I just think when it comes to death, a person needs to be as aware as possible.

Of course, I'm a Christian who happens to have the gift of faith and I do believe in the hereafter, so it's easy for me to say.... "Oh my goodness... he needs to know and to be thinking about what it means!" No desire to be insensitive here at all....

(I wish we could go back and edit our answers!)

I meant.... No desire on my part to be insensitive here at all.

The next time he has an appointment you and he Doctor should inform him of his prognosis . I did that with my wife when she was diagnosed with ALZ

Hi Zebra-92. I'm very sure if I found Myself in Your shoes I would definitely tell Your Dad. (1) So that Your Dad could see a Priest, and have Confession and be prepared for the next Life.
(2) Your Dad may wish to get His affairs in order, and sign the Family home over to You, and to get Your Name added to His Bank account, etc.
It any of Us were told that We had only little time left, We would have need of o tie up all of Our loose ends. I'm very sure it's the same for Your Dad. I think it is best to be honest and tell Your Dad the way it is.

I'm sorry Zebra-492 that You have got to shoulder this alone. It is a horrible position to be in. I wish You and Your Dad, God's Grace and Peace.

I went through a similar experience with my dad. He was very frightened of death and kept asking me what his chances were. My answer was that it all depended on him. You can give the same answer in this case. My dad never got hospice care because he was so frightened of dying, I thought that bringing in hospice would alarm him even further, but also the doctors and nurses attending him didn't think hospice was warranted as he did not seem to be in pain.

I would just tell dad the kind, evasive answer.
Whatever it seems will calm him in the moment.
If he needs to hear words of hope, find some even if it's a therapeutic fib!

I agree with sandwich. Hope without overdoing it...does anyone really want to know/face the knowledge of their last days when there is nothing to be done? I don't see how the reality will help him at this point. So provide comforting words like "we all certainly want you to get better too and are doing everything we can", rather than a blatant lie like "yeah you're getting better" . It's all in the degree, but it sounds like mentally so important for him to hold on to some level of optimism. Best to you

My prayers are with you. FYI- even a person "fighting" those damn tumors isn't enough. Brother-in-law (at 50 years old) lasted 11 months after he first felt numbness in his hand. Two brain surgeries, multiple rounds of radiation/chemo, experimental treatment of some sort, stroke after 5 months. He fought as hard as possible but often those tumors are unstoppable.

No- signing over the house is something you probably shouldn't do. The tax situation is usually much for favorable in an inheritance than a gift--talk to a tax adviser first.

This is just an observation, but something made me wonder... have you considered that perhaps your dad knows that he is dying, and by asking you, maybe he's trying to find out if YOU know…perhaps he wants to talk about it but doesn't know how to bring it up? I'm sure that he loves you and it could be that wants to protect your feelings. It's hard to know, but it's just something to consider. I pray that you both get through this time peacefully.

Partsmom, I believe you're right about the house. The cost basis is the original value when it was bought, if signed over. The basis is fair market value at the time of death when it's an inheritance, so usually less capital gain to pay tax on upon the sale that way.

My husband has never asked when he is getting well....he just says, I think I will be better in two weeks. This is hard for me. Hospice gave me a book that tells some of the things to look for and "going home" is one of them. Lately, my husband is on a "train ride". He asked me why he was in a bed on the train and I told him the family got him an upgrade to a Pullman. He was pleased. Then he wanted to know how he would know when to get off. I told him that when I traveled, my aunt and uncle were at the station to greet me. He has been "chatting" with dead relatives. I told him that when he sees his mother, dad and grandmother, that it is the station and he should get off. This was hard, but not as hard as the next question. "Will I be able to walk off the train." I told him yes....then I went out of the room and had a good cry. This is not easy, but this site is very helpful where you find people who are going through just what you are. God bless you and lots of hugs.

I don't know if this is a job for you or a licensed social worker.

Its called therputic lies, yes you tell him he is doing great and you talk positive until its over. We went thru it with my MIL. We talked positive right thru her ordeal. One morning she just started snoring and never woke up. She slept 5 days and passed in her sleep. (Brain Tumor) We were always saying she is doing great.