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I was a caregiver to my parents for many years. There were many warm and loving times with my family. Like any other family we had challenging times too.



As the years went by, many times I felt overlooked or unappreciated. It seems like we fall into routines and are often taken for granted.



At times, I felt lost and confused, frustrated and even angry. Most of all I felt exhausted!



It meant everything to me when I was told by my parents and others that I was appreciated. A sincere, ‘Thank you!’ goes a long way.



I know that caregivers need a lot more than kind words to survive. They need time for themselves and appropriate help.



One particular Christmas, my niece gave me a lovely gift that included all sorts of sweet treats inside, chocolates, bath products, nail polish, gift cards, etc. which I appreciated very much. She included a beautiful card that she tucked inside with a handwritten letter telling me that she recognized all of my efforts. It brought tears to my eyes.



I also received lots of help from fellow and former caregivers from AgingCare website. I am truly appreciative of the warmth and support that you offered. Therapy helped as well as an in person support group for caregivers.



Some people feel that people who give selflessly should not expect anything in return. I don’t agree with this. Everyone deserves to be appreciated by those they are caring for or the families who hire them. Otherwise, resentment and despair builds up and it can cause devastating effects for the caregiver.



Sometimes I felt invisible as the caregiver. Some people who spoke to me only inquired about my mom, and never asked how I was holding up.



At times we hear about caregivers who consider it an honor or privilege to care for others. Oh gosh, I can’t say that I felt this way. I cared about my parents wellbeing but it was emotionally draining for me.



Every time I turn around I see ads for caregivers. It’s a tough job! Often a thankless one too.



I would love to read responses from all caregivers, past and present. What do you want this Christmas and throughout the year?



I placed this under family caregiver because I didn’t see any other fit. I would love to hear from any and all caregivers, family, facility and hospice workers.



Caregivers, what changes in attitude would you like to see?



If you are a family member please chime in too.

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I'm not a caregiver anymore; both of my parents have passed, so that's that. But this year for the holidays, I'm giving homemade gift baskets to my loved ones. They're each themed; I have a Mexican/Southwestern basket, a Bath/Shower basket, an Italian basket, and a Bar/Drink basket that I'm putting together. Each basket is a gift in and of itself; the bar one is an antique copper washtub with a hand painted lid, the Italian basket is a Longaberger covered picnic basket, etc. It's fun and it's taken me months to hand pick each and every item I'm putting into these baskets. Then I'll wrap them in clear cellophane and tie them up with a huge checkerboard bow.

I know I would've loved receiving a gift basket like this myself, so I hope they're well received by my loved ones this year. Just wanted to do something different.

Caregiving is a VERY hard job, and my hat is off to everyone who's doing it for a loved one.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
Those gifts sound fabulous! Very thoughtful and fun.
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Time off.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
This was always my very favorite gift! Was very rare but certainly the most welcomed and needed gift.

Time off where you can truly escape and enjoy a different atmosphere is even better! Even if it’s only a weekend getaway.
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We have a Shark robot vac. I love it. It does a good job but needs to be programmed by mapping the house. I also have an upright because I don’t think a robot suffices as an only vacuum.
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Needhelp,what a thoughtful gift from your niece.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
She is precious to me and always brings a smile to my face.
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You’re very correct about caregiving being most often a thankless job. When my mother was in NH care, taking fruit, doughnuts, or cookies was always appreciated by the staff. I wish I’d thought to do a gift basket for them like you describe, for them to be able to choose things from, so many worked hard for not a lot of money. I still remember some telling me that NH work was their “calling” or “life’s work” how grateful we should be for these people! For family caregivers, simply noticing and expressing gratitude is huge. Giving a day off is even better. Bringing groceries, taking the person out to an appointment or to get a haircut or anything else can be a gift. I also don’t have parents anymore, but I do have a complex adult son (brain injury, lots of complex health issues) and the worst by far is when people simply ignore his existence. Not knowing the right thing to say really doesn’t matter, just ask how things are, it’s appreciated just to know someone cares
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
I relate to everything you have said. Caregiving is so complex and some people get it and others don’t. You get it! Great response. Thank you for sharing your experiences.

My niece is an incredible person because she has been through a lot herself, both with her parents and having a child with special needs. Her circumstances have made her very aware of others.
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I love vacuuming, sounds strange I know lol
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
My grandmother loved to wash dishes! LOL She found it relaxing. To each his own, right?
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What would I like? To not be asked a single question, for one whole week. Not one.
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bundleofjoy Nov 2022
haha me too.

let me guess, the question is always:
“can you do this for me?”

and without a please.
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Time off! I agree. No one has volunteered tho, so I bought myself ten lovely days of respite. Starts this weekend!
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
Good for you! Smart lady. Get rest, have fun and focus on your needs!
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Christmas can bring forth many different memories.

The holiday means different things to different people or nothing at all.

For some it is a season of giving. Others find it too commercial and stressful and glad when it’s over.

I hope all caregivers will have at least one of their holiday wishes come true, if not during the holiday season then some time in the near future.
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I used to bake alot for Christmas. When Mom was in the AL I took in a tray of cookies. Fudge and white choc. dipped oyster crackers. When she was in the NH, I would bake and take things in. I used to do a tray of cookies for my boss, RN, and she used them at her Christmas dinner. One less thing she had to do.

When my brothers told me they appreciated what I did for Mom, it was a big thing. One's wife had thyroid cancer and the other lived 7 hrs away. Appreciation from the one ur caring for, too. People need to understand that no one is obligated, other than paid Caregivers, to care for them. It is really is a gift. My Mom, as long as she was able, always said thank you.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
That’s so sweet that your mom showed her gratitude to you.

Homemade goodies are the best!
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Peace and Quiet
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bundleofjoy Nov 2022
yes please. i’ll order the same. and with a side of, tranquillity, kindness, truth, goodness, loyalty.

and a cup of coffee.
i’m not asking for much.
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I agree with those who said some time away, even it's a short time. My DD has gotten us a gift certificate to a Gettysburg BnB each year since folks moved in, and still does it now. Close enough in case of emergency but far enough away and a place we love. She would stay with the folks when we went, and now she watches the pupper and ferals while we go. and she was great with the parents and then just Mom so they felt like they got a gift too!
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
I felt like this so much when I had mom in my home.

A change of scenery can break the monotony and help to renew energy.
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You know what I would have appreciated while I was caregiving at home?? Both mom and I being included.

It would have been wonderful if the family had been willing to travel to our home to spend the day and share a pot luck or some other simple meal, but it never happened. Even if we'd rolled mom to the corner of the room and she slept most of the day away it would have felt very meaningful to me.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
Absolutely! There comes a point in time where the only the only outings are doctor’s appointments or ER trips.

So, it’s not like they can hop in the car to visit others.

If hospice is ordered for them, they no longer go anywhere.

Yes! A break from cooking would always be welcome to many caregivers.
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It’s good I never expected any appreciation from my parents for my efforts on their behalf because I never received a thank you thus far in the past five years that I have been doing this. I think they look at it as payment for my being born.

I do plan to give our two wonderful aides $100 each for the Holidays just from me. I also gave them each $50 for working Thanksgiving. I’m sure my parents will give something too but I want them to know I appreciate their kindness and generosity of spirit. I am so grateful to them for taking such good care of my parents.
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NeedHelpWithMom Nov 2022
Good for you to be so kind to your caregivers.
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As a caregiver for my 90 year old dad I appreciate the daily thank yous he gives me. It would be nice to get some appreciation from family members - a text, card, etc. Someone asking how I was doing and really wanting to know. Offers to spend the day with dad so I could go to a doctors appointment. That would be my dream gift. Thankfully my husband is a big help. He takes off from work when I need to see my doctors.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Your husband is a gem! Mine was too when I had doctor appointments.

Later on, mom qualified for a few hours of help through Council on Aging. Have you contacted them in your area?
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Well the gift I would really like is help in entertaining my parents.
Since that isn't going to happen I booked the pre Christmas getaway for my
family.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Good for you!
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Time off without guilt would be the best gift, IMO. Especially without guilt from the person you are caring for - an acknowledgement that, while they cannot always control the amount of care they legitimately need, you also need relief from being constantly "on-duty." Nothing sucks the joy out of a brief respite like the person you are caring for going on about how they know they are such a burden. I get it that it's hard for people to accept that they need help, and absolutely, we try to not call attention to what we do out of respect for their feelings. At the same time, if Santa has any breaks in his sack, that would be good.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Yes, I always appreciated when I got time away and heard, “Have fun!”

No one needs a heavy dose of guilt. It can be hard to ignore certain comments from people who want to make others feel guilty.
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Needhelpwithmom - I needed the chuckle about the Roomba!! :) Thank you for posting nit!
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
You’re welcome. My friend wasn’t laughing when it happened but he laughed afterwards.
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A trip to Japan?

No I'm just kidding but some money would be nice
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Sushi! Yes, please 😊.
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Want someone to come spend time with hubby and be interested in him. Engage him in conversation or some sort of activity. Not for me but rather for him. Even if we had a room full of people (which hasn’t happen in ten years) and hubby sitting in the middle of it all rarely would the focus be on him.



for me: foot rub.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
Sweet post. I hear you.

Foot massages are fantastic!
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Time off, away. With no interruptions. Not one single phone call or text.
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I think Caregivers should get extra money to use for whatever they want to purchase. I also, think u u bought a ticket to a mini vacation to use within a 60 to 90 days if they don’t use it let the purchaser know 2 wks ahead if they can go u can give it to like a second caregiver
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Caregiving tasks are extremely exhausting and thankless work!

My late mother received a lovely Gallery raincoat for her final Christmas from our out of state family. After she passed away, I inherited this valuable clothing after My Years of caring for her!

If I was a caregiver today, I would appreciate some recognition that would last a lifetime, such as a nice handwritten card and a pretty container with a lid to hold jewelry or other things in it. A Starbucks cup with it's own lid to carry drinks on the go or store drinks at home. If too expensive, a nice vase will do.
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Hypoallergenic products for sensitive skin. Gift cards at your favorite store or website OK.
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As a former caregiver and house manager, I would say time off with pay, bonuses, regular appreciation, time spent talking to me about my day, and Help - working as a team occasionally.
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Overnight and weekend caregiver for a break - it’s very hard to go 24/7 with out a break - massages help and acupuncture for meditation but it’s the toughest job in the world 🌎 besides being a Doctor
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2022
It really is one of the toughest jobs in the world. I wholeheartedly agree.
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A dinner voucher at a nice restaurant would be a good gift
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@KNance

I've gotten plenty of those in my time too. It's a very nice gift of appreciation.
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As a family caregiver what I would like the most is basic respect and to stop being scapegoated and villified. I will never get these things from my mother so I am walking away.

As professional caregiver holiday appreciation, everyone's favorite color is green. If you appreciate what I do for you, express your appreciation in two ways.
The first way is with beautiful cash. Benjamin Franklin is the most handsome image there is to me. His portrait on a 100 dollar bill is like seeing a male Mona Lisa to me.
The second way is to honor your agreements with me and keep your word. If I tell you I'm taking whatever days off for the holidays, you work that out.
Don't pull anything cute like trying to guilt me into working or by thinking that I'll just watch your "loved one" and do for them on a holiday because no other arrangements have been made.
You'd be surprised how many families simply ignore the fact that they will have to make holiday or vacation care arrangements for their LO. Many agencies don't bother to either. That in ignoring it and doing nothing, the caregiver will step up and come to work.
I will not, Many families agency supervisors and clients alike have learned this the hard way.
My care business is still small and new. My clients already know that my girls have Christmas and New Year's Day off if they want it and that they will have to make other arrangements. Three girls so far are working the holidays. We're paying them double-time plus a hundred dollar bonus. The ones who aren't, it's for the families and clients to make other arrangements.
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Sarah3 Dec 2022
Thank you for your straightforward honest response to the reality of exploitation of caregivers. I’m so
tired of seeing folks say “we just give the caregiver a nice card and chocolates”. Especially when it comes to a sibling who provides no care gaslighting people
to think it’s normal that the sibling caregiver isn’t paid bc they’re “family” and are shown verbal appreication. A verbal thank you, card, chocolates are a nice gesture but don’t take the place of payment. Same thing w agencies who underpay their caregivers so the corporate can line their pockets w even more money than they already have, is disgusting and immoral
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Let me just add this in response to part of your post- yes there are alot of people usually fellow siblings who feel a caregiver should “give selflessly not expecting anything in return”.
I wish more people would see this for what it is, a tactic to manipulate others to believe caregivers shouldn’t be compensated or paid - and since majority of folks who say this have a personal interest to preserve as much money as possible ( one way is by underpaying or not paying the sibling caregiver) in order to HAVE MORE MONEY for their selfish selves one day. Appreciation and a nice thank you card are fine but don’t be gaslighted to believe this suffices in place of payment. Do we give a thank you card to a gardener, mechanic, housekeeper, nanny INSTEAD of payment? Of course not, caregivers are equally recognized as a service provider and the word “care” does not equate to not being paid.
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SueGood Dec 2022
I completely agree. I was paid to care for my Mom (so am biased) but I think some thought it was too much. Even though they either didn't want to do it, or got paid half of what I did when they did less than half of what I did. They just did not realize the sacrifice, even being around. It was primarily a labor of love still, because money doesn't come close to compensating the sacrifice (plus the years spent before getting paid, all the supplies, all the extended tine plus sharing the off-hours overnights). If you have to give up your job, you need to get by somehow. However, if I didn't need it, I wouldn't have gotten paid. And also if my parent did not have the means. Not sure what would happen then. A loan. Lol
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I'd prepare a nice holiday gift bag including some of the things people have suggested, such as: a big/beautiful thank you card; some homemade treats if you can do this or store-bought goodies, like chocolate treats, a hot chocolate "bomb" (I just discovered this at Safeway), which you drop in a cup of hot milk, some herb teas, etc. Then I would get a nice gift card at Macy's. I used to work there, and it's a beautiful store around the Christmas holidays. The healthcare worker could use it for something needed (like a sweater, pjs) or a "splurge" item, like jewelry, perfume, etc. I have not been a healthcare worker but as I said in a posting here a while back: a neighbor whom I barely knew at all had me collecting her mail and packages, sorting them all out, calling her with requested info on the mail, even opening some things and calling her, meeting periodically with her daughter to give her the mailings, etc. She gave me nothing in return for my time and good will. What I thought was going to be a couple of weeks turned into six months! I recall this time last year -- right at the holidays -- when I thought how meaningful it would have been to have the daughter drop off a little gift, even a box of cookies or candy from the dollar store, or a Christmas card. But she did nothing at all, not even a Christmas card. (I was the one sending HER a card). Depending on how much money you want to spend, you could get two gift cards: one to Macy's and another to a spa for a manicure/pedicure, or one to those stores in the mall that sell all sorts of nice-smelling body/bath lotions, etc. Appreciation is much appreciated.
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