Child chooses to move near elderly parent to give care and is wanting move costs, a house and salary from parents money. Greedy?

Child is a greedy little snot. Tell little miss muffet to stay on her tuffet. If you give her all that, make sure you report it to the IRS so she gets taxed. Then go get your head examined.

I have long been outspoken in my belief that family caregivers should get paid, to the extent that there is money available for that. If your sister-in-law moves and spends time keeping an eye on Mom, she should be compensated. As the care level increases so should the compensation.

But I can't imagine what would justify providing a house! If SIL wants to move, she can sell her house and buy another one. If she loses on the deal, then I can understand her parents perhaps wanting to chip in the amount she lost, out of the goodness of their heart. But this expected compensation package seems way over the top, to me. And it seems to me it would be unfair to the other siblings.

This whole picture would make a little more sense if this daughter was particularly close to her mother, and reuniting them would be a dream-come-true for Mother. It doesn't sound like that is the case.

And just deciding you want to be a caregiver does not qualify you for the job. Mother may need only slight supervision now, but that can change rapidly and dramatically. What if the caregiving does not work out in the long run?

I say, pay for the caregiving on an as-you-go basis. Pay the going rate in your area -- the same you would pay for a professional. But do not pay up-front bonuses like moving expenses and a house. That just sounds crazy to me.

In my opinion, it is a huge mistake to give one of the children a part of their inheritance early. There is no way of knowing at this point how much will be left to distribute. Care as dementia progresses can be VERY costly. That money should be available for Mother's needs. There is no promise that each child will get a certain amount. If this daughter gets $325,000 now, and after Mom passes the other children each get $30,000 (or $3,000) how will everyone then feel about the house deal? Is that what Mother would want?

Pay the sister. Pay her well. If she resigns from the caregiving, stop paying her. Don't do an early distribution of the estate!

Whatever the siblings decide to do, they should visit an attorney specializing in Elder Law and put the entire arrangement on solid footing.

Caregiver daughter and two other adult family members will rely on elderly mother for support!!!!!!!!!!!!! Tell the quasi welfare queen that her and her adult entourage to use their own assets to live off of!

POA sibling after consultation with others did offer an upfront financial package (over 2 yrs salary) plus the new house (of their choice) rent-free as long as care was provided by this person. It was rejected as the person could not "afford" to accept. Obviously, the move was totally depended on underwriting the whole family. We are looking into professional care-givers. Having a family member as c-g seems nice but we can pay a professional many years for what the family member was expecting upfront. Live and learn!

There's not enough information for me to form an opinion. Has the "forgetful" parent been diagnosed with any kind of medical condition that will get worse over time? Does the parent want the arrangement you describe? Why are the siblings being asked to "approve" the costs? Can't the parent make his or her own financial decisions? So many questions... I'm guessing you're one of the siblings who are opposed to this plan.

Look at it from your mother's point of view, not from the aspiring caregiver's point of view. Is it in your mother's best interests for this family member to live near her and support her living in her own home? How do the costs compare with those of other options, such as ALF, hired caregivers, etc., etc.? What are your mother's likely care needs looking ahead? Don't forget to give a nominal value to things such as living in her own home, continuity of care*, emotional connection and so on.

Once you've got all the options on the table, costed out - and yes of course bearing in mind that these can only be the roughest of estimates - then you will be able to see whether the plan proposed by sibling is

a) in your mother's best interests
b) in your mother's best interests subject to negotiation of certain terms, e.g. house purchase? Nice work if you can get it!
c) a complete non-starter.

* Is this sibling likely to stay the course? Any doubts about that and the whole plan falls flat.

From the concern you mention about the c-g sibling becoming 'too dependent' on your mother, it does sound as though you're not convinced of his/her 100% reliability?

Does anyone have POA?

Lastly, but of course most important of all: what does your mother think?

I am going to skip all the details and just say my "red flag" went up when I saw this person wants money "up front." I think this person is not sure what she is getting into. I think there should be maybe a trial period. I think it is excessive, because caring for someone who is caring for a memory loss patient not only needs to help with memory, but will be needing to be proactive as the memory fades. I also imagine that she will be called on to do more as time goes on. I didn't know what I was getting into, and I am a bit doubtful still if I will be able to do this when my parents get completely dependent on me. this is just my opinion, I hope it helps.

Sorry there are just too many if, ands and buts here. If daughter wants to move closer, fine but that is her choice and her financial responsibility. She could make the move and decide caregiving is not for her within a few weeks or months. You indicate there wasn't a close parent-child relationship. This plan is doomed before the first box packed!

At some point in time dementia patients need 24/7 care and it is certainly not a one person job and definitely not for the faint of heart or emotionally fragile.. Is this daughter the only option to be of help to Mom? Has she caregiving experience? She is bringing family that her parents are to support? Are they in need of care as well? If not, why aren't they going to work?

I would give her this website address and ask that she spend a few days reading all the entries. Caregiving is something most of us do out of love and compassion. It is always more than we bargained for in the beginning and a lot of times there is more heartache than joy.

I cannot imagine asking my parents or family to be so financially involved in a decision like this, or in any part of my financial life for that matter.. There is more to this story than meets the eye...imho.

Good luck to you! Would you be so good as to keep us informed about how this plays out? We learn from each other.

I think it best that you all get your heads together and decide what is reasonable. If she is not moving in with your mother, I assume a full-time caregiver isn't needed. Since your sister wants to consider the caregiving as a job, it should be looked at that way. Considerations should be how many hours she will work and what the cost would be if you were to hire an agency to do this. The number of hours may change as your parent gets older, so the money can change with time. Purchasing a house is a big question. Perhaps if you go that way and your parent has enough money that Medicaid will never be needed, you could purchase a house in your mother's name so that it becomes part of the estate. I admit that your sister seems to be asking a lot, but we don't know the entire situation.