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Your sister cannot take POA away from you. In fact, only your mother can make those changes and it looks like she isn't competent to do so.

Sis is like so many we hear about. Yep, the biggest "help" and the worst "enemy" of CG for the elderly seems to always be family.

Keep records. Of sis is violent or threatening, video her outbursts. Sounds sneaky, but you kind of need to protect yourself.

Once mom passes, then POA is "over" and whomever is named as executor of mom's estate then steps in. You SHOULD know who that is, and already know the contents of the will. We just did ours and our oldest daughter is our POA. She looked over the documents for a minute or so and I showed her where the "personal bequeaths" list was....and well, for the time being, that's all she needs to worry about.

Your sister would have to prove YOU incapable of being POA, and that is hard, esp when you are NOT. Mom chose you for a reason.

Sometimes, sadly, it takes legal intervention to get a sibling to get the message. You could get a restraining order against sis so she cannot see mom at all--but I feel you don't want to do that.

Best of luck---I know in my family, due to anger over POA has fractured our family irreparably. If mother dies, we will all bond together for the funeral, but I doubt most of the family will even be speaking to each other. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's been very sad.
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Everyone here has made valuable contributions on how to cope. One other recommendation I would make is to make sure that your mother's doctor certifies that she is no longer competent to make decisions or care for herself. When I had to call my mother's lawyer to ask a question he noted to me that I really needed to "invoke" my mother's DPOA. I had already taken on much of the responsibility but this would help in case there were any issues. He sent me a form to give to the doctor to fill out. Before the doctor signed it he asked my mother some questions. Her responses made clear that she could not comprehend what he was asking and he agreed to sign. I kept the original with the other paperwork and sent a scanned copy to the lawyer to file as well. I was fortunate in that I never faced a situation like what you are facing but I was still glad that I had it in case there were any banking issues. This way there really can't be any funny business by anyone. At least nothing that would stand. I would suggest taking care of this immediately. Good luck to you. It's a long, sad journey unfortunately.
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You are spot on Countrymouse! My personal experience with the problematic person who doesn't respect even basic boundaries is it's almost impossible to convince them to change their behavior. The problematic person feels a right to act outrageously because of how "badly" they have been treated. In their mind, it's all about them and you cannot get them to consider the other people impacted (elderly parents, terminally ill, children) beyond their main combatant (usually sibling or ex).

I really disliked using the local sheriff department as a referee for a "visitation agreement" but it was the only method I found that worked. I console myself thinking care facilities would not allow someone to continue visiting if they were loudly cussing everyone so I was only applying the same rules for visits in my home.
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Documentation is your best defense.
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Ahhh, family! Great support & some good suggestions here. I loved the comment about asking your brother help you with her.  I suggest you prepare for when she does take you to court or calls APS. Get your ducks in a row now. 

First off, get outside, consistent, paid caregivers to help with Mom’s care. That in itself is a stress reducer. Then determine 2 or 3 times a week DURING the paid help time that would be good for “visiting hours” and where in your home these visits are to take place. Remember, it is Mom’s home as well, so a bathroom, maybe the kitchen, & a visiting room (not Mom’s bedroom) are the absolute maximum places for Mom to have visitors. The paid caregiver would be there to attend to Mom’s needs if necessary & also end the visit on time (for Mom to nap or whatever is next on the all-to-important schedule). Once you have determined this — and it should be VERY soon — send a certified / signed receipt letter to your sister outlining the visit parameters. Don’t say anything about paid caregivers or anything like that. Keep it friendly & short and stress that this is best for MOM.  Have a plan for when she refuses to end the visit or leave your home.  This is where brother could help in getting her out of there!

Second is about the money aspect of the situation. Get to an elder care lawyer NOW & have a caregiver agreement set up as to Mom’s monetary contribution to the household, etc. Then document document document every penny you spend— both of Mom’s money & your own. Run that part like a business, sending your brother via email at a minimum quarterly documentation. If it were me, I would do the emails monthly, but that’s just me because I am a spreadsheet nerd.

Third, and this part is helpful as Mom progresses in her disease. Keep a daily notebook log of Mom’s care. Nothing fancy, just notes of her eating (what & when), mood (is she anxious or sad or depressed), her increasingly-frequent accidents, sleeping, stuff like that. We started doing this with Mom when my 2 siblings & I plus the aide shared in the 7-days-a-week care of Mom. It proved very valuable as time went on & we saw patterns as her behavior was changing. All who participate in Mom’s care have to keep up with this notebook.

When your sister calls APS or the police or whatever, you will have what you need to support your side of the story. Cold, hard facts to counter her emotional rantings. Good luck. Deep breaths. 

Lastly, make time for alone time for both yourself and you + hubby — very important! Even if just 1 or 2 hours a week. Easier said than done, we all know that.  Hugs to you.
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My situation has been almost the exact situation as yours. Fourteen years ago my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease and asked me to be her POA. I relocated back to my home town and took a position there. My sister took my mom to an attorney while I was at work and did not tell the attorney there was a POA in place and she assigned herself as POA. Devistated and blinded by my sisters actions, we soon went to court for guardianship. The court said Moms new POA was invalid because she had already been declared incompetent in testing and I was granted guardianship. It does not end there. For 12 years now my sisters revenge and hatred for me continues. Mom is in Nursing Care now and my sister defies every decision made by doctor, staff and myself. She has now been put on notice and told if she does one more thing she will be limited visits with Mom and will not be able to visit alone. My attorney told me 12 years ago I had the power but to use it wisely. This kept ringing in my head for years. I have documented everything (daily diary) and it has paid off. She has made accusations and we have been to court several times. Each time the court has sided with me and she has had to pay the court.
You probably want to ask me why have I not blocked her and prevented her from seeing Mom... I have tried to keep in mind that my sister has mental issues and is narsassistic and that this is her mom too. My life has been an absolute nightmare but I have the court, my brother, uncle and friends for support. I served her with a letter telling her her time has run out and if anything else happens, visitations are then adjusted.

Your sister can only enter your home if you allow her. Set visitation times and days. Get guardianship and back yourself with evedence.

I wish you well. This job is sometimes a long and difficult journey.
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Cateyes Jul 2018
Thank you Caring4mom2018!  You have giving me some great advice here.  I have been keeping a daily journal just because all of my sister's hate for me.  Just like you I don't know what she may do next, but I do feel sorry for her because she has mental issues going on.  I feel her life is total consumed from the time she gets up till she goes to bed.  I also have POA over my brother who is in a nursing care that I see after weekly.  I do the best I can as a caregiver and will continue to take care of my Mom in my home no matter what I may go through with my sister.  I just pray daily that God will continue to show mercy in my family.  I do love the information on setting visitation times and days.  I will continue to allow my sister to see our Mom because I feel it is the right thing to do along as she abides by the rules set.  I wish you best and continue to take care of yourself and your Mom.
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Have a police report written up your sister sounds like a big problem like my sister who lives out of state. Also have a judgment filled on your sister baring him from visits un less supervised cause she's a threat to the safety and well being of your mother. You as the power of attorney can do all that the sooner the better.
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Jada824 Aug 2018
The police don't want to get involved in situations like these. They say it is a civil matter.
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You might want to journal this adventure .. I did. I have oodles of notebooks filled with what went down each day as my husband and I cared for both of his parents. A couple siblings involved, and yes, money seemed to be the center of at least one's attention. Not sure how well it would hold up in court if you get there, but it definitely shows how involved you are in your Mom's care. Cameras are helpful too. We had a few around the house. I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to change other's attitudes. It doesn't work, just makes us worn out. Focus on Mom and the job God has given you. He will handle your sister. 🤗
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I too have big fat notebooks and calendars chuck full of appointments, trips, errands, shopping runs, social visits and Dr/s etc etc. ALL done by myself. I think 1 hour maybe 3 a year for 8 years total now- was help from a sibling. Agree with the attitude changing. Mother now at end stage Parkinsons with dementia and Hospice at home...and the helpful and concerned sibling? Still hasn't come around.
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Your sister does not have a key to your house, so do not let her in. Most cell phones now have Messenger with video chat so you cannot be accused of not allowing you to let her "see" your mother. Let her know physical visits can happen in the future once she puts her butt in check and acts like an adult instead of a greedy (b) witch...
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The difficulty, unfortunately, is getting the problematic sister to grasp the concept of boundaries. Cateyes clearly does understand the importance to her mother of seeing both daughters, otherwise I'm sure she'd have been delighted simply to ban her pestilential sister from calling. This is her house we're talking about, after all.
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Am I the only one who thinks that both Cateyes and her sister are losing sight of the most important thing--and that is allowing their mother the joy of being with BOTH of her daughters--the sister should certainly have access to her mother--but boundaries can be set as to when she can come over.
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You might want to keep a diary of every visit and what she does. If there is another witness have that person sign the diary. This is in case you want to file harassment charges or get a restraining order. If you feel you need to record her behavior, make sure at the beginning of the recording to clearly tell her what you are doing and if she does not agree then she can leave now. Some courts do not allow taping as evidence without permission and you would be offering her a chance to leave. If she causes trouble at least you have evidence for APS or for if she tries to legally do something.
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Keep very good records of how the money is spent. Also keep a log of your sister's harassment. Also BLOCK her from your cell, social media, etc. Get a restraining order if you have to in order to keep her from your house. WHEN she sends police or APS to your house (and she probably will), the very best thing you can do is to stay CALM and be very forthcoming about the situation. Trust me, they've all seen it many times before. 

Her gravy train of entitlement has made its final stop and she is p.o.'d! I suspect your mother probably gave her money in addition to all the free rent. I've read 2 other stories here on this website, very similar to yours only the irresponsible (favorite) sibling was given POA and guess how THAT ended. POA spent the money on themselves, leaving the parent dead broke and in the care of the "good" daughter. 

There is usually some element of mistrust when one person has all the power. But sister is off the chain crazy, so don't give her an inch. If your brother is a responsible person like yourself, a way of transparency and trust would be to  email him a monthly PDF of her checking acct. statement. 
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hhhmmm ..maybe you could get a restraining order against her tell them what you said here .so that would be a good option & if she wants to visit it would have to be supervised ..i think her record will speak for it self good luck
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I am in a similar situation except the real problem lies with the fact that my family moved into my mother-in-law's house to prevent her from selling it and going to a nursing home. She gave us full use of the main part of the house which is on a separate floor and she moved to the lower level which is set up like a nice apartment and we made it handicap accessible. Some family members visit and think they have free access to the entire house and we have no privacy. They don't want to use her bathroom (although it is clean) so come upstairs to use ours. Also the only kitchen is on our level (not that they cook for her or anything like that). In the beginning I let everyone use whatever they wanted including my kitchen (I say that because my mother-in-law told me to take her things out and put all my stuff in since I would be doing all of the cooking and she is finished). When I realized they were unwilling to help us with her care by just allowing us to go out when they visit I changed the setup. Now they visit, using her entrance, and I never say a word to them. When out of state family visited recently I had an aide here and tried to not be home as much as possible. I can't stop them from visiting but I can try to have boundaries in place for my emotional health. We have been told that it is their mom's house and they have a right to go anywhere they want in it. My husband explained that when she is gone the house is divided equally, until then she has given us the upstairs of the house for our home and it is none of their business. She is very happy with her living arrangement and desires to stay in her home. My family has made many sacrifices in order to assist her with that and by no means does the financial benefit of not paying rent outweigh those sacrifices. We can not go on vacation, have to arrange for an aide to be here to go out, are on call 24/7, and live under what feels like a microscope by outsiders who are her family yet don't want to participate in her care but rather lay it all on us since we moved in.

If you could find a couple of trustworthy companions to help you it may give you some relief. Just to keep her company and be there when your sister visits so you can distance yourself from her destructive behavior. Try to remove yourself more and more when she visits and she will get the message. She may make a lot of noise along the way but pretty soon she will see it is useless and hopefully give up.
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If your mother has late-stage dementia she would probably be legally incompetent to change her POA or make a new one. Try to remember that this is all not about you but about your mom. If your sister is rational and nice to your mom but rude and unkind to you, try to overlook her, as hard as this is. Tell her your mom cannot change her POA and maybe she'll stay away.
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You do not have to tolerate anyone disrespecting you in your home. Your sister doesn't have a "right" to mis-behave as she wishes in your home under the guise of visiting her mother. If she really wants to visit Mom, she won't have any problems behaving herself.

Anyone can sue anytime if they have the money for the lawyer but that doesn't mean they can win.

Although I have never needed them when I called the sheriff's department to have one of my brothers removed from my property, you might want to have your POA documents available to show peace officers when you call to have your sister removed from your property.

Send your sister a letter with a reasonable visitation time (an hour on Sunday afternoon?) and your visitation house rules (treat everyone present with courtesy, no cussing, no yelling, no complaining, pleasant conversation, visit may be recorded, etc.) and require your sister confirm she will be visiting at least 24 hours in advance. Make sure there's a rule that she will leave immediately anytime she is requested to do so and that if the police must be called to remove her from your home all visitation is terminated for at least 30 days. Put a signature block on the bottom that she agrees to the visitation time and rules and do not allow her in until after she signs - give/mail her a copy of the signed visitation agreement. Use a guest book and let her sign in and out so you have a record of her visits. Consider having a non-family member "monitor" visitation and/or use a nanny cam.

Because it can be upsetting to the elder when a visit goes badly, I would require the visitation take place in a common room and have someone available who can help your mother back to her room if needed.

I have used visitation agreements in two situations:
(1) a non-custodial parent who wanted me to agree to supervise visits (court required supervision) but thought she could walk all over me because she had a "right" to those visits (she did, but she didn't have a right to my uncompensated supervision); and,
(2) one older brother who thought (apparently like your sister) he had a right to "punish" people who didn't allow themselves to be bullied with angry/rude behavior - including my mother.
Both griped about how "unfair" things worked out. Both were escorted off my property before they understood the rules really did apply to them too. One choose to be "nice" and one choose to walk away.
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Marcia, you are spot on, if cateyes can have visits take place elsewhere. But, unless mom says, no visits, not letting the visits occur can case greater stress. 

Isolated elders are often abused elders and those are the kind of actions that get greater attention, even if there is no truth. I think not giving the sister any ammo is important.

Let us know cateyes what your solution is and how it works.
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I think she could try. I don't think it would be free to bring legal action and I don't think it would be successful. A visit from social services isn't anything to fear. They may come, make a report. That's it. They aren't in the business of getting involved with family feuds. They will see your mom is okay and close the file.

I would not have her in my house, if it were me. I wouldn't offer her the option of apologizing. I'd just say no, you aren't welcome here. Get your mom her own phone line so she can't annoy you with repeated calls.

Does your mom want to see her? If so, can you think of some way she can visit with your mom where she would be supervised? Would your brother offer to have the two of them go to his house on a regular basis? Or could your brother take your mom to her somehow?

You've got enough stress in your life. You shouldn't accept abuse in your own home, in my opinion. And your husband shouldn't be expected to accept this either. Ask your brother to help you handle this.
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Your sister can not take POA, once a person has been diagnosed with dementia and have exhibited the inability to make decisions, they can no longer appoint a POA. Your sister would have to go for guardianship, which is costly, so odds are she will not pursue that.

Do you have a care contract, including rent, food, transport, etc. In place. If not, you could do this with her husband, unless his illness is dementia as well.

You do have a right to set boundaries about when your sister can come to your home, do not isolate mom from her, that could cause problems. However, you can set visiting hours and notify her in writing, certified mail, that this is when she can come. Explain that schedules and routine are imperative to the well being of the dementia patient and these are the days and hours set aside for her to visit. If she shows up outside of those hours, don't let her in. If she gets ugly, tell her she is trespassing and needs to leave. If she doesn't, call the law. Don't tell her you are going to do that, let them show up unannounced and catch her ranting and raving about getting in to mom, you then have a record of her inappropriate behavior, if she pushes, this will benefit you. Be sure and show the police a copy of the visiting hours and the signed return receipt.

When she is visiting make sure that she has no access to any area of your home, except where the visit takes place, make sure she is never alone with mom or in your home. This let's her know she is not a welcome guest and will not be treated as one. You don't even need to let her use your bathroom.

You are moms choice, for obvious reasons. A loving daughter would not pull this s**t.

You really do have all the power and authority, use it to reel this PITA sister in.

You
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I just want to note that a diagnosis all by itself won't activate the power of attorney. There is language in the document that states how the power of attorney is to be activated. Someone with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's is still legally competent until someone certifies that this is no longer the case.
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Cateyes....AC means AgingCare. The website you are on. 😉
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Just a thought, but you might try getting your Mother's PCP Dr on your side, if and when your sister tries to get APS involved!
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Thanks again for the positive words of encouragement and advice. I will check into that and will keep posting as often as possible.
Oh ok that's adult care right?--- Yes since you mentioned that, i guess the thought that it will make mom really uneasy for a stranger to come in the house and do things for her, has kept me from doing that, but I have checked into like adult day care centers? Like a place I can take her to for time to myself? Just worried what she is going to think about me if I drop her off for a few hours? Is she going to hate me? Is she going to even think about it? Will she feel out of place or enjoy it? idk? BUT we will soon have to find out. Will post when it happens.
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You now also have AC :) Please keep posting, there are many forum members (Golden especially springs to mind) having to "arm's length" problematic siblings and they may well have good strategies and tactics to suggest.

Meanwhile: get her in perspective. Your sister is rude. She is silly. She is annoying. But what she is not is *important.* Shrugging off someone who is a bloody nuisance is much less stressful than dealing with someone who frightens you. Don't let her tantrums scare you.
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:) "Very, very, challenging" indeed! You just opened my eyes to how impossible that sounded! lol----- Oh well, please say a prayer for me, because I am at my wits end with her freakin drama! (oh and by the way you nailed her like you know her!) ---- My moms care is the most important thing to me and my husband right now and I refuse to let anything take my eyes off of that! I am pumping her full of all the right foods, vitamins, getting exercise, catching up on the missed doctor visits her husband failed to make, ect......., just trying to make things better for her and keep her around for as long as God see's fit!
As for my "allies?" Well, other than my awesome Savior Christ Jesus & my hubby, I pretty much have my husbands 80 yr old mother and 86 yr old father that live near by,(you would never know those 2 awesome human beings were their ages!) my brother when he can as he has to of course work, my 22 yr old daughter that's now married, and my 25 yr old son and his girlfriend, and an awesome friend of mine. They are all awesome, and don't know what I would do w/o their support!
Thx so much for your reply! ---- Pray, pray, pray!
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This is not an expression I am in the habit of using, but on this one occasion...

Your sister badly needs to take a Chill Pill.

Not going to, though, is she? What you have there is a world class drama queen. Sheesh!

I don't know if you have any idea how she came to be as she is, what went wrong for her, what burrs are in her bustle; but you know what? Not your doing and not your problem.

Your sister *can* do anything she likes. Report you to APS, challenge your POA, apply for guardianship. Goodness she can have a real ball if she wants. It's a free country.

What I can't see is her doing any of this *successfully*. APS, the courts, the people with authority to act, will tell her to sit down and shut up. She will be wasting her time and money. Again, not your doing.

Unfortunately, it is your problem in that this could develop into the most enormous and ridiculous waste of time and head space.

Forget any idea of making your monstrously narcissistic (at first glance, anyway) sister humble herself! Not because she shouldn't, but simply because this is NEVER going to happen and setting it as a criterion is merely to invite failure.

Hmm. How to establish good boundaries with a raging narcissist whom - because your mother has a right to contact with her - you do not wish to cut out altogether. Very, very challenging.

Apart from your husband, what allies/support do you have in caring for your mother?
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