Follow
Share

I made a promise to my mother before she was diagnosed with vascular dementia that I would not leave her with her new husband if she got sick because she knew he would not take good care of her. (Admittedly, he was not a caregiver). She assigned me POA of everything if that were to happen. NOTE: Money should not be issue here as all she really has is enough income to live on. Well, her husband fell sick himself and his daughters had him sell the house (which he owned) and move 1,000 miles away so they could take care of him and now my mother lives with me. During the move, my mother would say she wanted to go with him one day, then the next day she would say she was staying with me. Of course she was so bad by this time that she could not make her own decisions and at least her new husband knew he could not take care of her so he gave up the POA to me as mother had stated was her desire before she got sick.


Now here's the problem. My sister came undone when she found out Mom chose me instead of her! She started attacking me ruthlessly! She went as far as to try to talk our sick mother into going with her husband so that none of us would ever see her again! NOW she comes in my house once a week w/o even saying hi and sits down to talk to mom. Totally disrespecting me and my husband! My husband now says they are no longer welcome in our house, and I cannot allow my sister to take Mom anywhere as she has already threatened to do whatever it takes to get her name on a POA so she will know where Mom's money is going each month.


I do not have time to list the hateful things she has said to me or all the hateful accusations she has made. She has said things that even concerned my now grown children when they were young! In a nut shell, she has totally wrought havoc on our relationship! She gets a small Social Security check and retirement check each month and we are laying life down as we once knew it to care for Mom and all this sister can say is that she is going to find out where every penny of Mom's checks go!


Anyway, I do not know where to go from here? She refuses to apologize and support me as our brother does!! Besides the fact that Mom chose me because I have been the more responsible child, been married only once for 36 years now, while my my sister is in her 5th marriage, had foreclosure on her house, neglected to keep insurance on Mom's house in which mom let her live in then accidentally burned it to the ground and even dropped off the tax bills each year for Mom to pay while she lived in the family house for 5 yrs or so. It seems to be all about a little bit of $$$$ to her! My husband continues to tell me to "not worry about it, because she has made her bed now she has to lie in it!"


Can I just tell her to call Mom as much as she likes but until she humbles herself, apologizes and changes her attitude it looks like she will not be seeing our mom w/o having to face some kind of legal matter brought forth by her? I already can tell you it's almost guaranteed that she will now start to do things like call social services on me by making false accusations, and whatever else she can think of just to try to further ruin my life! It's become some kind of sick demented game of vengeance to her! The anxiety and stress her actions are pouring on me has me at the edge of giving up! I just can’t focus on being a wife, a mother, and my mom's full-time 24/7 caregiver while remaining under my sister's daily verbal attacks, abuse and threats! PLEASE HELP!

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
This is not an expression I am in the habit of using, but on this one occasion...

Your sister badly needs to take a Chill Pill.

Not going to, though, is she? What you have there is a world class drama queen. Sheesh!

I don't know if you have any idea how she came to be as she is, what went wrong for her, what burrs are in her bustle; but you know what? Not your doing and not your problem.

Your sister *can* do anything she likes. Report you to APS, challenge your POA, apply for guardianship. Goodness she can have a real ball if she wants. It's a free country.

What I can't see is her doing any of this *successfully*. APS, the courts, the people with authority to act, will tell her to sit down and shut up. She will be wasting her time and money. Again, not your doing.

Unfortunately, it is your problem in that this could develop into the most enormous and ridiculous waste of time and head space.

Forget any idea of making your monstrously narcissistic (at first glance, anyway) sister humble herself! Not because she shouldn't, but simply because this is NEVER going to happen and setting it as a criterion is merely to invite failure.

Hmm. How to establish good boundaries with a raging narcissist whom - because your mother has a right to contact with her - you do not wish to cut out altogether. Very, very challenging.

Apart from your husband, what allies/support do you have in caring for your mother?
Helpful Answer (20)
Report

:) "Very, very, challenging" indeed! You just opened my eyes to how impossible that sounded! lol----- Oh well, please say a prayer for me, because I am at my wits end with her freakin drama! (oh and by the way you nailed her like you know her!) ---- My moms care is the most important thing to me and my husband right now and I refuse to let anything take my eyes off of that! I am pumping her full of all the right foods, vitamins, getting exercise, catching up on the missed doctor visits her husband failed to make, ect......., just trying to make things better for her and keep her around for as long as God see's fit!
As for my "allies?" Well, other than my awesome Savior Christ Jesus & my hubby, I pretty much have my husbands 80 yr old mother and 86 yr old father that live near by,(you would never know those 2 awesome human beings were their ages!) my brother when he can as he has to of course work, my 22 yr old daughter that's now married, and my 25 yr old son and his girlfriend, and an awesome friend of mine. They are all awesome, and don't know what I would do w/o their support!
Thx so much for your reply! ---- Pray, pray, pray!
Helpful Answer (16)
Report

You now also have AC :) Please keep posting, there are many forum members (Golden especially springs to mind) having to "arm's length" problematic siblings and they may well have good strategies and tactics to suggest.

Meanwhile: get her in perspective. Your sister is rude. She is silly. She is annoying. But what she is not is *important.* Shrugging off someone who is a bloody nuisance is much less stressful than dealing with someone who frightens you. Don't let her tantrums scare you.
Helpful Answer (18)
Report

Thanks again for the positive words of encouragement and advice. I will check into that and will keep posting as often as possible.
Oh ok that's adult care right?--- Yes since you mentioned that, i guess the thought that it will make mom really uneasy for a stranger to come in the house and do things for her, has kept me from doing that, but I have checked into like adult day care centers? Like a place I can take her to for time to myself? Just worried what she is going to think about me if I drop her off for a few hours? Is she going to hate me? Is she going to even think about it? Will she feel out of place or enjoy it? idk? BUT we will soon have to find out. Will post when it happens.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Just a thought, but you might try getting your Mother's PCP Dr on your side, if and when your sister tries to get APS involved!
Helpful Answer (14)
Report

Cateyes....AC means AgingCare. The website you are on. 😉
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Your sister can not take POA, once a person has been diagnosed with dementia and have exhibited the inability to make decisions, they can no longer appoint a POA. Your sister would have to go for guardianship, which is costly, so odds are she will not pursue that.

Do you have a care contract, including rent, food, transport, etc. In place. If not, you could do this with her husband, unless his illness is dementia as well.

You do have a right to set boundaries about when your sister can come to your home, do not isolate mom from her, that could cause problems. However, you can set visiting hours and notify her in writing, certified mail, that this is when she can come. Explain that schedules and routine are imperative to the well being of the dementia patient and these are the days and hours set aside for her to visit. If she shows up outside of those hours, don't let her in. If she gets ugly, tell her she is trespassing and needs to leave. If she doesn't, call the law. Don't tell her you are going to do that, let them show up unannounced and catch her ranting and raving about getting in to mom, you then have a record of her inappropriate behavior, if she pushes, this will benefit you. Be sure and show the police a copy of the visiting hours and the signed return receipt.

When she is visiting make sure that she has no access to any area of your home, except where the visit takes place, make sure she is never alone with mom or in your home. This let's her know she is not a welcome guest and will not be treated as one. You don't even need to let her use your bathroom.

You are moms choice, for obvious reasons. A loving daughter would not pull this s**t.

You really do have all the power and authority, use it to reel this PITA sister in.

You
Helpful Answer (24)
Report
I just want to note that a diagnosis all by itself won't activate the power of attorney. There is language in the document that states how the power of attorney is to be activated. Someone with a diagnosis of Alzheimer's is still legally competent until someone certifies that this is no longer the case.
(1)
Report
I think she could try. I don't think it would be free to bring legal action and I don't think it would be successful. A visit from social services isn't anything to fear. They may come, make a report. That's it. They aren't in the business of getting involved with family feuds. They will see your mom is okay and close the file.

I would not have her in my house, if it were me. I wouldn't offer her the option of apologizing. I'd just say no, you aren't welcome here. Get your mom her own phone line so she can't annoy you with repeated calls.

Does your mom want to see her? If so, can you think of some way she can visit with your mom where she would be supervised? Would your brother offer to have the two of them go to his house on a regular basis? Or could your brother take your mom to her somehow?

You've got enough stress in your life. You shouldn't accept abuse in your own home, in my opinion. And your husband shouldn't be expected to accept this either. Ask your brother to help you handle this.
Helpful Answer (15)
Report

Marcia, you are spot on, if cateyes can have visits take place elsewhere. But, unless mom says, no visits, not letting the visits occur can case greater stress. 

Isolated elders are often abused elders and those are the kind of actions that get greater attention, even if there is no truth. I think not giving the sister any ammo is important.

Let us know cateyes what your solution is and how it works.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You do not have to tolerate anyone disrespecting you in your home. Your sister doesn't have a "right" to mis-behave as she wishes in your home under the guise of visiting her mother. If she really wants to visit Mom, she won't have any problems behaving herself.

Anyone can sue anytime if they have the money for the lawyer but that doesn't mean they can win.

Although I have never needed them when I called the sheriff's department to have one of my brothers removed from my property, you might want to have your POA documents available to show peace officers when you call to have your sister removed from your property.

Send your sister a letter with a reasonable visitation time (an hour on Sunday afternoon?) and your visitation house rules (treat everyone present with courtesy, no cussing, no yelling, no complaining, pleasant conversation, visit may be recorded, etc.) and require your sister confirm she will be visiting at least 24 hours in advance. Make sure there's a rule that she will leave immediately anytime she is requested to do so and that if the police must be called to remove her from your home all visitation is terminated for at least 30 days. Put a signature block on the bottom that she agrees to the visitation time and rules and do not allow her in until after she signs - give/mail her a copy of the signed visitation agreement. Use a guest book and let her sign in and out so you have a record of her visits. Consider having a non-family member "monitor" visitation and/or use a nanny cam.

Because it can be upsetting to the elder when a visit goes badly, I would require the visitation take place in a common room and have someone available who can help your mother back to her room if needed.

I have used visitation agreements in two situations:
(1) a non-custodial parent who wanted me to agree to supervise visits (court required supervision) but thought she could walk all over me because she had a "right" to those visits (she did, but she didn't have a right to my uncompensated supervision); and,
(2) one older brother who thought (apparently like your sister) he had a right to "punish" people who didn't allow themselves to be bullied with angry/rude behavior - including my mother.
Both griped about how "unfair" things worked out. Both were escorted off my property before they understood the rules really did apply to them too. One choose to be "nice" and one choose to walk away.
Helpful Answer (19)
Report

If your mother has late-stage dementia she would probably be legally incompetent to change her POA or make a new one. Try to remember that this is all not about you but about your mom. If your sister is rational and nice to your mom but rude and unkind to you, try to overlook her, as hard as this is. Tell her your mom cannot change her POA and maybe she'll stay away.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

I am in a similar situation except the real problem lies with the fact that my family moved into my mother-in-law's house to prevent her from selling it and going to a nursing home. She gave us full use of the main part of the house which is on a separate floor and she moved to the lower level which is set up like a nice apartment and we made it handicap accessible. Some family members visit and think they have free access to the entire house and we have no privacy. They don't want to use her bathroom (although it is clean) so come upstairs to use ours. Also the only kitchen is on our level (not that they cook for her or anything like that). In the beginning I let everyone use whatever they wanted including my kitchen (I say that because my mother-in-law told me to take her things out and put all my stuff in since I would be doing all of the cooking and she is finished). When I realized they were unwilling to help us with her care by just allowing us to go out when they visit I changed the setup. Now they visit, using her entrance, and I never say a word to them. When out of state family visited recently I had an aide here and tried to not be home as much as possible. I can't stop them from visiting but I can try to have boundaries in place for my emotional health. We have been told that it is their mom's house and they have a right to go anywhere they want in it. My husband explained that when she is gone the house is divided equally, until then she has given us the upstairs of the house for our home and it is none of their business. She is very happy with her living arrangement and desires to stay in her home. My family has made many sacrifices in order to assist her with that and by no means does the financial benefit of not paying rent outweigh those sacrifices. We can not go on vacation, have to arrange for an aide to be here to go out, are on call 24/7, and live under what feels like a microscope by outsiders who are her family yet don't want to participate in her care but rather lay it all on us since we moved in.

If you could find a couple of trustworthy companions to help you it may give you some relief. Just to keep her company and be there when your sister visits so you can distance yourself from her destructive behavior. Try to remove yourself more and more when she visits and she will get the message. She may make a lot of noise along the way but pretty soon she will see it is useless and hopefully give up.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

hhhmmm ..maybe you could get a restraining order against her tell them what you said here .so that would be a good option & if she wants to visit it would have to be supervised ..i think her record will speak for it self good luck
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Keep very good records of how the money is spent. Also keep a log of your sister's harassment. Also BLOCK her from your cell, social media, etc. Get a restraining order if you have to in order to keep her from your house. WHEN she sends police or APS to your house (and she probably will), the very best thing you can do is to stay CALM and be very forthcoming about the situation. Trust me, they've all seen it many times before. 

Her gravy train of entitlement has made its final stop and she is p.o.'d! I suspect your mother probably gave her money in addition to all the free rent. I've read 2 other stories here on this website, very similar to yours only the irresponsible (favorite) sibling was given POA and guess how THAT ended. POA spent the money on themselves, leaving the parent dead broke and in the care of the "good" daughter. 

There is usually some element of mistrust when one person has all the power. But sister is off the chain crazy, so don't give her an inch. If your brother is a responsible person like yourself, a way of transparency and trust would be to  email him a monthly PDF of her checking acct. statement. 
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You might want to keep a diary of every visit and what she does. If there is another witness have that person sign the diary. This is in case you want to file harassment charges or get a restraining order. If you feel you need to record her behavior, make sure at the beginning of the recording to clearly tell her what you are doing and if she does not agree then she can leave now. Some courts do not allow taping as evidence without permission and you would be offering her a chance to leave. If she causes trouble at least you have evidence for APS or for if she tries to legally do something.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Am I the only one who thinks that both Cateyes and her sister are losing sight of the most important thing--and that is allowing their mother the joy of being with BOTH of her daughters--the sister should certainly have access to her mother--but boundaries can be set as to when she can come over.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

The difficulty, unfortunately, is getting the problematic sister to grasp the concept of boundaries. Cateyes clearly does understand the importance to her mother of seeing both daughters, otherwise I'm sure she'd have been delighted simply to ban her pestilential sister from calling. This is her house we're talking about, after all.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Your sister does not have a key to your house, so do not let her in. Most cell phones now have Messenger with video chat so you cannot be accused of not allowing you to let her "see" your mother. Let her know physical visits can happen in the future once she puts her butt in check and acts like an adult instead of a greedy (b) witch...
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

You might want to journal this adventure .. I did. I have oodles of notebooks filled with what went down each day as my husband and I cared for both of his parents. A couple siblings involved, and yes, money seemed to be the center of at least one's attention. Not sure how well it would hold up in court if you get there, but it definitely shows how involved you are in your Mom's care. Cameras are helpful too. We had a few around the house. I wasted a lot of time and energy trying to change other's attitudes. It doesn't work, just makes us worn out. Focus on Mom and the job God has given you. He will handle your sister. 🤗
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
I too have big fat notebooks and calendars chuck full of appointments, trips, errands, shopping runs, social visits and Dr/s etc etc. ALL done by myself. I think 1 hour maybe 3 a year for 8 years total now- was help from a sibling. Agree with the attitude changing. Mother now at end stage Parkinsons with dementia and Hospice at home...and the helpful and concerned sibling? Still hasn't come around.
(1)
Report
Have a police report written up your sister sounds like a big problem like my sister who lives out of state. Also have a judgment filled on your sister baring him from visits un less supervised cause she's a threat to the safety and well being of your mother. You as the power of attorney can do all that the sooner the better.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Jada824 Aug 2018
The police don't want to get involved in situations like these. They say it is a civil matter.
(0)
Report
My situation has been almost the exact situation as yours. Fourteen years ago my mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s Disease and asked me to be her POA. I relocated back to my home town and took a position there. My sister took my mom to an attorney while I was at work and did not tell the attorney there was a POA in place and she assigned herself as POA. Devistated and blinded by my sisters actions, we soon went to court for guardianship. The court said Moms new POA was invalid because she had already been declared incompetent in testing and I was granted guardianship. It does not end there. For 12 years now my sisters revenge and hatred for me continues. Mom is in Nursing Care now and my sister defies every decision made by doctor, staff and myself. She has now been put on notice and told if she does one more thing she will be limited visits with Mom and will not be able to visit alone. My attorney told me 12 years ago I had the power but to use it wisely. This kept ringing in my head for years. I have documented everything (daily diary) and it has paid off. She has made accusations and we have been to court several times. Each time the court has sided with me and she has had to pay the court.
You probably want to ask me why have I not blocked her and prevented her from seeing Mom... I have tried to keep in mind that my sister has mental issues and is narsassistic and that this is her mom too. My life has been an absolute nightmare but I have the court, my brother, uncle and friends for support. I served her with a letter telling her her time has run out and if anything else happens, visitations are then adjusted.

Your sister can only enter your home if you allow her. Set visitation times and days. Get guardianship and back yourself with evedence.

I wish you well. This job is sometimes a long and difficult journey.
Helpful Answer (12)
Report
Cateyes Jul 2018
Thank you Caring4mom2018!  You have giving me some great advice here.  I have been keeping a daily journal just because all of my sister's hate for me.  Just like you I don't know what she may do next, but I do feel sorry for her because she has mental issues going on.  I feel her life is total consumed from the time she gets up till she goes to bed.  I also have POA over my brother who is in a nursing care that I see after weekly.  I do the best I can as a caregiver and will continue to take care of my Mom in my home no matter what I may go through with my sister.  I just pray daily that God will continue to show mercy in my family.  I do love the information on setting visitation times and days.  I will continue to allow my sister to see our Mom because I feel it is the right thing to do along as she abides by the rules set.  I wish you best and continue to take care of yourself and your Mom.
(0)
Report
Ahhh, family! Great support & some good suggestions here. I loved the comment about asking your brother help you with her.  I suggest you prepare for when she does take you to court or calls APS. Get your ducks in a row now. 

First off, get outside, consistent, paid caregivers to help with Mom’s care. That in itself is a stress reducer. Then determine 2 or 3 times a week DURING the paid help time that would be good for “visiting hours” and where in your home these visits are to take place. Remember, it is Mom’s home as well, so a bathroom, maybe the kitchen, & a visiting room (not Mom’s bedroom) are the absolute maximum places for Mom to have visitors. The paid caregiver would be there to attend to Mom’s needs if necessary & also end the visit on time (for Mom to nap or whatever is next on the all-to-important schedule). Once you have determined this — and it should be VERY soon — send a certified / signed receipt letter to your sister outlining the visit parameters. Don’t say anything about paid caregivers or anything like that. Keep it friendly & short and stress that this is best for MOM.  Have a plan for when she refuses to end the visit or leave your home.  This is where brother could help in getting her out of there!

Second is about the money aspect of the situation. Get to an elder care lawyer NOW & have a caregiver agreement set up as to Mom’s monetary contribution to the household, etc. Then document document document every penny you spend— both of Mom’s money & your own. Run that part like a business, sending your brother via email at a minimum quarterly documentation. If it were me, I would do the emails monthly, but that’s just me because I am a spreadsheet nerd.

Third, and this part is helpful as Mom progresses in her disease. Keep a daily notebook log of Mom’s care. Nothing fancy, just notes of her eating (what & when), mood (is she anxious or sad or depressed), her increasingly-frequent accidents, sleeping, stuff like that. We started doing this with Mom when my 2 siblings & I plus the aide shared in the 7-days-a-week care of Mom. It proved very valuable as time went on & we saw patterns as her behavior was changing. All who participate in Mom’s care have to keep up with this notebook.

When your sister calls APS or the police or whatever, you will have what you need to support your side of the story. Cold, hard facts to counter her emotional rantings. Good luck. Deep breaths. 

Lastly, make time for alone time for both yourself and you + hubby — very important! Even if just 1 or 2 hours a week. Easier said than done, we all know that.  Hugs to you.
Helpful Answer (13)
Report

Documentation is your best defense.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

You are spot on Countrymouse! My personal experience with the problematic person who doesn't respect even basic boundaries is it's almost impossible to convince them to change their behavior. The problematic person feels a right to act outrageously because of how "badly" they have been treated. In their mind, it's all about them and you cannot get them to consider the other people impacted (elderly parents, terminally ill, children) beyond their main combatant (usually sibling or ex).

I really disliked using the local sheriff department as a referee for a "visitation agreement" but it was the only method I found that worked. I console myself thinking care facilities would not allow someone to continue visiting if they were loudly cussing everyone so I was only applying the same rules for visits in my home.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Everyone here has made valuable contributions on how to cope. One other recommendation I would make is to make sure that your mother's doctor certifies that she is no longer competent to make decisions or care for herself. When I had to call my mother's lawyer to ask a question he noted to me that I really needed to "invoke" my mother's DPOA. I had already taken on much of the responsibility but this would help in case there were any issues. He sent me a form to give to the doctor to fill out. Before the doctor signed it he asked my mother some questions. Her responses made clear that she could not comprehend what he was asking and he agreed to sign. I kept the original with the other paperwork and sent a scanned copy to the lawyer to file as well. I was fortunate in that I never faced a situation like what you are facing but I was still glad that I had it in case there were any banking issues. This way there really can't be any funny business by anyone. At least nothing that would stand. I would suggest taking care of this immediately. Good luck to you. It's a long, sad journey unfortunately.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report

Your sister cannot take POA away from you. In fact, only your mother can make those changes and it looks like she isn't competent to do so.

Sis is like so many we hear about. Yep, the biggest "help" and the worst "enemy" of CG for the elderly seems to always be family.

Keep records. Of sis is violent or threatening, video her outbursts. Sounds sneaky, but you kind of need to protect yourself.

Once mom passes, then POA is "over" and whomever is named as executor of mom's estate then steps in. You SHOULD know who that is, and already know the contents of the will. We just did ours and our oldest daughter is our POA. She looked over the documents for a minute or so and I showed her where the "personal bequeaths" list was....and well, for the time being, that's all she needs to worry about.

Your sister would have to prove YOU incapable of being POA, and that is hard, esp when you are NOT. Mom chose you for a reason.

Sometimes, sadly, it takes legal intervention to get a sibling to get the message. You could get a restraining order against sis so she cannot see mom at all--but I feel you don't want to do that.

Best of luck---I know in my family, due to anger over POA has fractured our family irreparably. If mother dies, we will all bond together for the funeral, but I doubt most of the family will even be speaking to each other. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, it's been very sad.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

Cateyes , you are a wonderful daughter for taking care of your mom and it sounds like you have a wonderful family supporting you in this journey! Be sure to remind your self-absorbed sister that this is a gift you are giving your mom and siblings by taking on this huge task of caring for your mom in your home and a big change and sacrifice for you and your family. Not to mention, saving everyone thousands of dollars per month if your mom were to be in a memory care facility instead of in your loving home. I know first hand what it's like to deal with a narcissistic sister as mine sounds a lot like yours. For years she ran rough-shot over my entire family. When dad passed away 11 years ago it just got worse. Very long and tumultuous story-short, she took herself out of the mix. When she realized I was POA she cussed out me and my mom and never set foot on my moms doorstep again, by her own choice. Because of her irate, irrational and caustic behavior and constant abusive tirades and demanding "she should get my moms house and her son should get my moms car" etc., I was thankful when she was finally out of the picture. But for you to have to put up with it daily in your own home is unacceptable and you and your family absolutely do NOT have to put up with her behavior! There's already been a ton of good advice given (I love this forum!) so, please take it and set up some very strict boundaries. Do not hesitate to ask for help and support from your children, brother and other family members to back you on this. As you become stronger in dealing with her it will get easier. For years and years my whole family tip-toed around my sister because we "wanted to keep the peace" and you know what? It only enabled her to get worse and worse until she became abusive. Your main focus should be your moms care and you should NOT have to put up with your sister harassing you because she didn't get her way. My last piece of advice- When you start to set boundaries she will more than likely become more irate and abusive towards you. Just stay firm and remind her, its her choice. How she CHOOSES to behave will dictate how things go. Good luck to you and your loved ones and God bless you!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Since your sister is bringing up the money, I would take a breathe, make a list of expenditures and income to show where the money is going and mail her a copy. Tell her in the letter that you are happy to provide any information she would like on where the money is going as long as she comes to you in a respectful manner. Explain that your husband and you feel that she is disrespecting you in your home and you would like her to be able to spend time with mom but she must call first and that you would like it if you could both be civil. Try very hard to keep the letter polite. This does two things...one you will quickly find out if she really is concerned about what you are doing with mom's money or just wants mom's money and two, if she does take it to court you can show that you were trying to work with her and alleviate her concerns. If she is just trying to get her hands on the money then just continue to stand your ground and she will just have to follow your rules or else.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

By letter, tell sis she calls before she comes or she won't be admitted, tell her that she stays polite to ALL household members or she will be shown the door & do it ... record her for proof & let her know you are doing so

Make sure you keep a paper trail a mile wide - think about giving her an annual statement of what money came in & what was spent including 1/3 of your electric, water, heat, food etc plus all mom's personal expenses - this is assuming you, hubby, mom are the only ones living there but hold off on disclosing anything about mom's investments - my cousin had too do this every month to her brother [he was like your sis] but when my aunt died there was no way he could question any expenses so that was 1 less headache for her
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I look at this from another angle. I find it disturbing that so many families treat their elderly parent as if he/she is a prized possession to be fought over to win and maintain control. Once one family member gets control they hang on tight to make sure they don't lose their prized control. This seems to be more the case when there is a sizeable amount of money involved. In my family all of the control of my mother and her approx. $800k in assets was given to my sister, who happens to be a lying sociopath, and so I just have had to accept it. I live 600+ miles away, work full time running our company and really can't contribute much to my mother's care anyway from this distance. But when I have gone to stay with my mom in my sister's absence I get a lack of gratitude and respect from both my mother and sister. I have pretty much withdrawn from the whole mess and let her enjoy all that wonderful "control" she so fiercely hangs on to. I still call my mother on occasion, but when I have visited in the past I find it terribly insulting that I am treated like I am not to be trusted. After I leave I later learn I have been accused of taking or hiding something, petty theft in essence. That is so very far from the truth of the kind of person I am. My husband and I are self-made multi-millionaires and I assure you I have no need or want of any of my mother's cheap trinkets. But that is the narrative they seem to like to portray of me. It is mostly orchestrated by my sister to keep her status as "the favorite" by smearing me to keep everyone thinking bad of me. So in all this, she has won total control, but she has lost a truly caring person that could have contributed more to my mother's care. So I guess what I am saying to the original poster is consider yourself lucky your sister still wants to visit your (and HER) mother under your careful watch, with your suspicions, cameras, etc. watching her every move. At some point she will probably tire of being treated like a criminal when visiting her own mother, and let you have her all to yourself. Be careful what you wish for.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Jada824 Aug 2018
Sometimes it's not about the money.....it's about control. My Mom has no money just her social security & retirement, but my brother has what he calls " control" .
(0)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter