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I made a promise to my mother before she was diagnosed with vascular dementia that I would not leave her with her new husband if she got sick because she knew he would not take good care of her. (Admittedly, he was not a caregiver). She assigned me POA of everything if that were to happen. NOTE: Money should not be issue here as all she really has is enough income to live on. Well, her husband fell sick himself and his daughters had him sell the house (which he owned) and move 1,000 miles away so they could take care of him and now my mother lives with me. During the move, my mother would say she wanted to go with him one day, then the next day she would say she was staying with me. Of course she was so bad by this time that she could not make her own decisions and at least her new husband knew he could not take care of her so he gave up the POA to me as mother had stated was her desire before she got sick.


Now here's the problem. My sister came undone when she found out Mom chose me instead of her! She started attacking me ruthlessly! She went as far as to try to talk our sick mother into going with her husband so that none of us would ever see her again! NOW she comes in my house once a week w/o even saying hi and sits down to talk to mom. Totally disrespecting me and my husband! My husband now says they are no longer welcome in our house, and I cannot allow my sister to take Mom anywhere as she has already threatened to do whatever it takes to get her name on a POA so she will know where Mom's money is going each month.


I do not have time to list the hateful things she has said to me or all the hateful accusations she has made. She has said things that even concerned my now grown children when they were young! In a nut shell, she has totally wrought havoc on our relationship! She gets a small Social Security check and retirement check each month and we are laying life down as we once knew it to care for Mom and all this sister can say is that she is going to find out where every penny of Mom's checks go!


Anyway, I do not know where to go from here? She refuses to apologize and support me as our brother does!! Besides the fact that Mom chose me because I have been the more responsible child, been married only once for 36 years now, while my my sister is in her 5th marriage, had foreclosure on her house, neglected to keep insurance on Mom's house in which mom let her live in then accidentally burned it to the ground and even dropped off the tax bills each year for Mom to pay while she lived in the family house for 5 yrs or so. It seems to be all about a little bit of $$$$ to her! My husband continues to tell me to "not worry about it, because she has made her bed now she has to lie in it!"


Can I just tell her to call Mom as much as she likes but until she humbles herself, apologizes and changes her attitude it looks like she will not be seeing our mom w/o having to face some kind of legal matter brought forth by her? I already can tell you it's almost guaranteed that she will now start to do things like call social services on me by making false accusations, and whatever else she can think of just to try to further ruin my life! It's become some kind of sick demented game of vengeance to her! The anxiety and stress her actions are pouring on me has me at the edge of giving up! I just can’t focus on being a wife, a mother, and my mom's full-time 24/7 caregiver while remaining under my sister's daily verbal attacks, abuse and threats! PLEASE HELP!

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If there is nothing to hide there should be no secrets. Some POAs are just on a control trip & an elderly person with dementia is the only one they can control. I know because I have a brother like this & he did nothing for Mom until she could no longer manage her finances.
He lost every relationship he has ever had because he tries to control the other person!
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I understand what people are saying about your sister not being able to take the POA away.

Pplease people, what can or cannot be done in your State may not be so in the State Cateyes lives.

My siblings took mine away per the State Law. Only took a majority of the 4 of us even though they broke the law by NOT INCLUDING me in the discussion.

They finally found out how hard/complicated things get and decided they should have left well enough alone.

Now I'm guardianship/conservator for Mom.

Ssearch State Law AND Notary laws too.
Yes, Notary laws can play into a lot of legal issues concerning this area.

Check the Will too! Was Mom forced to make changes? My step-sister has used her Durable Power of attorney for her wants which is abuse of an elderly person for financial gain.

So many areas to research and find a true probate attorney.
I knew more about Community property law than my step-sister's attorney, Mom's Fiduciary and the Judge. I don't have a law degree!! I represented myself against 3 people who supposedly knew the law(s).
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Cateyes, I don’t really have an answer for you but can tell you that I’ve been there and know the hell you are living through. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. You have enough on your plate as it is. I had CPS called on me too but they couldn’t find anything wrong. It was scary though because they require a meeting alone with a dementia patient who could answer any question 100 different ways before answering correctly. But we made it through. My Mom passed Jan. 2017 and of course it was all my fault so sister will no longer speak to me ~ but I know I did my best and I did what Mom wanted. That’s all you can do. Love your Mom and focus on her. You could contact your Local Area Agency on Aging and ask for a referral for an Elder Attorney. They usually give an initial consult free so that may provide your answers. Best of luck to you, your family and your Mom. Don’t let sister drive a wedge
between any of you like mine did. ❤️
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Joyful21,

OMG....both Mom/step-father have Alzheimer's. Step-sister and her siblings are not happy that daddy came into the marriage with nothing financial wise. Step-sister has DPOA for daddy and has been using it carte blanch to STEAL money from my Mother.
So far, I have proof of at least 4 fraudulent transactions she has done.
1.1st was taking 3/4 of the $$ from the checking account
2. Took Mom's ID from her purse in an attempt to be placed as an authorized signer on the checking account
3. Transactions via the checking account by asking daddy for the bank card to pay for things she told me SHE PAID for
4. Took daddy to the investment firm so he could verbally have the address changed to 1 of his children's address here in TX
5. Used his bank card to pay for dinners at restaurants that I know for a fact he would not even be aware of as well as the night that was done, I was parent sitting
The investment firm is scrambling to CYA after I informed them that his daughter instructs him and guilted him into doing things so she can claim daddy did this on his own.
I only wish I could have seen her face during my court hearing when I told the Court about the large money transactions, how she did it, why she did it etc.
As well as when her attorney asked that her client's DPOA be kept active and the judge waved her attorney off and said that DPOA MEANS NOTHING, I HAVE ALL THE POWER NOW!
The step-sister was telecom for the hearing....dog gone it.
I keep getting demand letters for info from her attorney hi-lighting a sentance in the Court Order re: records of bill paying. I finally emailed the attorney and told her the letters better stop or I will file harassment charges against this step-sister, the area the attorney likes to hi-light falls under my duty to provide this info to the Guardian ad litem in 45 days, nothing specifically names this step-sister/attorney as to when I "have" to provide anything to them.
ALos told her attorney to prepare her client for a lot more to come per AZ Community property law!
1. Don't mess with a former banker
2. Don't mess with someone who has been researching this stuff for 2.5 yrs
3. Don't mess with my Mother's rights
4. DON'T MESS WITH ME! This cub will protect her mamma bear!!!
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Isthisrealyreal,
Ddepending on the State Law, yes, POA can be taken from another sibling.
I had Durable Power of Attorney for our Mother for years...really about a decade.
Mon ended up in the hospital 2 yrs ago and my sister "could not find" the Medical POA. My Aunt and Uncle (Mom's brother)and my Aunt knew that Mom had me as her everything POA. With Mom's permission, they searched the house to find it.
In the State of AZ, all it takes is a majority of the siblings to "appoint" a POA. I live out of State (POAs are valid no matter the State the POA lives).
Mon has Alzheimer's and my sister knew how to play the game.

1.Have the person who is mentally incapable of making that decision answer the questions at the time of day they have a clearer mind i.e. in the morning
2. Must have 2 witnesses non-blood when the questions are asked by medical staff OR the Notary
3. The witnesses MUST attest to the fact that the person answered the "legal" questions WITHOUT PROMPTING
4. Notary MUST acknowledge on paper, witnesses must acknowledge as well as signing the Notary log to this fact

My sister not only did this, BUT she had Mom change another legal document which I asked Mom about, needless to say Mom did not remember what it was but that she was "told" to sign it by my sister.
Ssaving grace for me...the Notary laws had changed 5 months prior and the Notary can't be found, did not turn in her log book AND DID NOT PROVIDE THE REQUIRED DOCUMENTS PER THE NEW LAW SET FOTH BY THE SECRETARY OF STATE!
This sister got tired of taking care of Mom and I just went to court and now I'm Mom's guardian/conservator...someone would have to prove deraliction to take it away from me in court now.
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Your sister has mental issues, stay away from her. If your mother would be better off with you then make sure she stays with you. Good luck
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Hopefully you find some of this advise and solutions helpful to resolving your situation. I had a crazy sister for two years that was despicable while I was caring for my father who had dementia and other health conditions. She would know my father was doing well at my home but call the cops for well check visits (so annoying). When she fought to take him away from the home, found out she was financially exploiting him by taking him to the bank to get dad to withdraw money for her and she would bring him home hungry,wet and without the money that was withdrawn. She tried to revoke me as POA. At any rate, I did not do enough to stop her ugly, destructive behavior and it took time away from me spending with my father. My sister eventually got was investigated by APS. I say this, I hate that I wasted so much time dealing with anger, fear, frustration over her antics, that I hate I did not stop her sooner so that I could have spent more peaceful days with him before his passing.
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TooYoungForThis & Golden23, I thoroughly enjoyed both your responses!
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golden23 Jul 2018
Thank you.
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As I understand it, responsibilities regarding financial disclosure differ as to whether you are guardian or POA. Poa is usually not required to disclose financial info (unless challenged and in court), and, as others have said, has a responsibility to maintain privacy. This is my position.

I have a narc sister who wants all the inheritance when mother dies. I don't know what lengths she will go to in order to achieve her goals, but I have decided not to let that bother me. I will deal with it when/if it happens. They are bullies and want to alarm you. Don't let that happen,

careyes - in terms of how to deal wIth your mentally ill sister, your mother's interests come first. The peace and security of your home rate highly too. I would not accept any behaviour from your sister that you would not accept from anyone else. Many have given good suggestions. Firm boundaries need to be established for visits and consequences if they are not adhered to - like if her behaviour is unacceptable, she will be escorted out. Putting this in writing would be good. If she makes a big fuss, the police can be called. You may need to bring in the big guns. She won't understand anything else, and forget about her changing in any basic sense. She is ill. I agree that visits should always include a third party, and a hired one would be good, as would a visiting schedule that suits your mum and your family. Your sis is NOT running this show and should not be allowed to.

I sense some fear on your part regarding her attempts to get control. I understand that, but you have to review the realities and take the proverbial bull by the horns. Your sis's track record is bad and will not aid in furthering her goals. Your track record is good. Documenting, contracts , lawyer's letters are all good and will give you peace of mind if you choose to do them. Remember mum chose you to look after her, you are doing a great job and your sister is mentally ill. Keep things in perspective.

Please let us know how you are doing. Make sure to care for you too. Have a spa day, a mani-pedi, a new hairdo, a day out with a girlfriend -whatever turns your crank.
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#1.) She can't "get her name on the POA". Your mother has been diagnosed with dementia & your sister would have to go to court to petition to be added to the POA, which no judge in their right mind would do because your mother is not capable of making sound decisions at this point. You would have to agree to add her to the POA.
#2.) Your mother lives in your home. You take care of her. Her money can be used for her care any way you see fit. Your sister can carry on all she wants--tell her to shut up & worry about taking care of herself & her own finances since it seems like she has problems managing money. You don't have to show your sister anything regarding your mother's money. You are not hoarding the money for yourself or spending like a drunken sailor. Apparently, your sister's behavior started long before you started taking care of your mother. Your mother chose you to be POA for a reason---she knew yours sister would take all of her money.
#3.) Your sister is entering your home & should treat you with respect. She is mad at you because you have access to your mother's money & won't give her any of it. She wants you to put all of your mother's money in the bank & save it up so that when your mom dies, she will get some of it. She doesn't want you to spend it on anything. Her rude behavior should not be tolerated. She visits your mother once a week. You take care of your mother 24/7. You don't say if she calls before coming over, knocks on the door/rings the doorbell or just walks in. Like others have posted, you should write a letter to your sister with "house rules"---i.e., she must give you advance notice of her visit, she must knock/ring doorbell & not just walk into your home, etc.---send it certified, return receipt. You'll probably get a phone call from her, screaming at your from the other end of the phone. If she starts screaming, tell her that you will only discuss it with her rationally in a normal tone of voice & if she doesn't stop screaming, tell her that she cannot come to your house until she starts treating you with respect & hang up the phone. Your mother lives in YOUR home, YOU take care of her, YOU manage her finances and YOU are entitled to be treated with respect.
#4.) If your sister comes to your house unannounced & tried to get in, turn on a video camera (smart phones have them & are simple to use) to capture your sister's behavior. If she calls social services, between the letter and the video, you have evidence to defend yourself against her accusations. Plus, don't be afraid if your sister calls social services---they will be able to tell how your mother is being cared for just by talking to you & visiting her. Social services gets calls like this all the time---don't think that her call will be the first time social services received a call like that. They get plenty of calls from pissed off siblings that make false complaints to get revenge on a sibling that has control over their parents' finances.
#5.) Don't lose one wink of sleep worrying about your sister commencing some type of legal action against you. She has no money. It costs money to retain an attorney, open a lawsuit in court & continue to litigate an issue she won't win.
#6.) Have you asked your sister why she is so concerned about your mother's money? Does she think you are not doing a good job taking care of your mother? Does she think that you are stealing your mother's money? Not withstanding the problem you are having with your sister, it is always wise to account for what you spend your mother's money on as POA and caregiver, if there ever happens to be an inquiry into it. But, that is to satisfy an inquiry from someone like social services or a court.
#7.) Apparently, your sister calls every day, since you said that you are getting daily "attacks, abuse & threats". The next time she calls, let her know that you will not be answering the phone when she calls due to her disgraceful behavior--you choose to live your life in peace & will not tolerate her verbal abuse. If she says anything about denying her access to speak to your mother, tell her that she can get your mother a cell phone at her own expense & call her 112 times a day if she wants to. Your house, your phone, your rules. It's time to start cutting your sister off to avoid her abuse. If she continues with "threats", let her know that you are recording the conversation & won't hesitate to use it if you have to get an order of protection against her.
#8.) This is in no way meant to sound demeaning or degrading, but you sound like more of a mild mannered, submissive type of person. Your sister just LOVES to prey on you because of that. You probably don't say anything back to her. That has to change. Stop giving your sister power over you. You have to start telling your sister that you will not tolerate her psychotic behavior & you can, and you will, prevent her from entering your home unless she starts acting appropriately. Let your sister know that she can go to the ends of the earth but there is no way she can ever get her name on the POA. Let her know that because of mom's dementia, no judge would ever sign an order to put her on the POA and you will not put her name on the POA because you don't trust her with your mother's money based on the history of her inability to manage money. Do not tolerate her threats, do not tolerate her behavior. Let her know that you won't tolerate it & that you will cut her off completely if she continues to act like a drama queen. If not answering the phone, not letting her into your house & completely ignoring her is what you have to do to maintain your sanity, that is what you have to do. By answering the phone & letting her into your home, you are giving her power over you. Take away her power. You have no duty to your sister. Your only duty is to take care of your mother. You should let her know that & push her back a few steps. Remind her about all the money she took from your mother, how she failed to protect your mother's home & caused your mother a huge loss because she was too incompetent & selfish to care about anyone else but herself.

She sounds like one of these people that believe they're "owed" something simply because they exist. Another word for that is "entitled". News flash: She is not "entitled" to anything. Tell her if she wants money to get a job.

If I was in your shoes, when my sister started to hound me about where mother's money was & how it was being spent, I would let her know that she is welcome to take a job as mom's aid/companion during the daytime, and be paid for it. This way, she would know where a large chunk of mother's money was going. I'd offer to put her on the books as an independent contractor & pay her on a 1099 basis, so everything was on the up-and-up. If she wants your mother's money, she can take on a role to earn it.
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One reason to maintain privacy or "hide" as you put it is when the problematic child uses any information he acquires to harass the elderly parent. For example, my mother's primary problem is short term memory loss so her PCP started her on aricept and stated if Mom didn't develop any side effects then it wouldn't hurt and it might help. Her oldest son took this as "proof" she had ALZ and a good reason to take control - telling my mother she needed to "mind" and do whatever he told her (like deeding real estate over to him) because she didn't have a brain left anymore to do any thinking. When the PCP told my oldest brother testing showed our mother did NOT have ALZ, he decided the doctor was incompetent and filed for guardianship because I was failing in my duties as MPOA to get our mother proper treatment. Because my oldest brother got to see my mother's bank statements during the guardianship process, he found out how much money I had deposited into my mother's account over the years. Big brother convinced our father with advanced dementia that I "betrayed" my father by giving money to my mother instead of him. Dad's dementia meant that if you wanted the money to pay Dad's dental bill, you either paid it directly or gave the money to Mom so she could pay it. This was my second monetary betrayal - the first being paying college living expenses for my nephews.

Oldest brother didn't work and had all the time in the world to develop undue influence and financially exploit our father while the younger siblings held down jobs and family responsibilities. Mom didn't want to challenge Dad's competency and I respected her wishes until Dad became dangerous and needed placement before he hurt my Mom. I gained guardianship of my father (invalidating father's oldest brother POA choice and the will leaving everything to oldest brother), placed him in a MC three miles from oldest brother's home and sold my parents' real estate. I have made no attempt to restrict oldest brother's access to my Dad or recover any of the monies he appropriated. Biggest brother still visits Dad daily and tells him how it's all my fault he doesn't have a home anymore. So sometimes when I visit Dad he cusses me out and sometimes we sing together like we did when I was a child - just never know which Dad I will get to see.

On the other hand, my mother agrees brother #2 can access all her information - financial and medical. He also sees the report I submit annually to the court on Dad's guardianship.
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I guess it is different for one having POA, but I agree with the couple of commenters that say it is none of their business! My husband does not have POA for his mother but we take care of her and handle all of her limited finances. In addition to the daily stress of her care, it is just too much additional work to show everyone how every penny is being spent. The way I see it is by us living with her she gets to keep her house, which will be split equally among her children when she passes. No one else helps and rarely comes to visit so if we didn't agree to live with her she would have to go to a nursing home. Her house would be sold and the profit spent to pay for the nursing home. Guilt shows itself in many different ways. From what I've seen the guilt of not helping with the care of an elderly parent comes out in anger and jealousy towards the one who is doing it.
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Elder financial abuse is so rampant these days that we need to take proactive measures to safeguard against it. A lot of elder financial exploitation takes place when one adult child (or other person - could be a friend or other relative) is given total control of every facet of the elderly parent's life - financial, medical, etc. This one sibling keeps all the information secret from the other caring siblings. (Why the need for secrecy if there is nothing to hide? Doing so only aids the defrauder.) The parent is to one degree or another basically "out of it", even if not declared incompetent. So it creates the perfect opportunity for the designated sibling to help themselves to the parent's funds without anyone else becoming aware of it. They can divert funds to their own bank accounts, write checks to phony shell companies they set up, use the parent's funds to pay for their childrens' college tuition, pay for exotic vacations - the sky's the limit! Yes, of course if the money runs out Medicare/aid can "claw back" the stolen funds, but good luck with that if the money's already been spent. I strongly believe that at least one other individual should be actively involved and privy to all information regarding their parent. This way, it lessens the likelihood of financial fraud/abuse and also safeguards against undue influence by one greedy sibling. I realize some of you on this thread have not had to deal with this type of problem, but others of us are unfortunately dealing with it for the 10-20 years our parent is being "cared for" by our devious and greedy "all caring" sibling. The only way to combat exploitation is to prevent it - taking measures after it has happened usually costs more than it recovers. My brother and I know that my sister has exploited our mother, but have no say in putting a stop to it. Our mother is like putty in her hands and puts her complete trust in the one sibling that is and always has been the very least trustworthy.
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Unfortunately the way most state laws are written the elderly don't have true privacy rights if someone in their family challenges their POA or their competency. When my oldest brother found out my mother had signed POA documents (D & M) that excluded him more than a decade earlier, he filed for guardianship. Even though my mother was found competent, my brother got to look at her medical and financial records during the process (although we were able to keep most of her personal information out of the public court document dismissing the guardianship action). Mom was very upset that he got to invade her privacy and threaten her security.
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Keep detailed records. Provide your brother (if he is cooperative and trustworthy) with a monthly or quarterly statement of funds and how they are spent. Keep a journal too as someone else here suggested. You owe your sister nothing. She just wants the money. That is clear to EVERYONE.

I was a guardian 2 years ago and APS was called on me by a bank actually because I closed the relative's account and moved do another bank (court order). It was a large sum of money so the first bank didn't like that and called APS to report me! Well, I had a VERY DETAILED spreadsheet of every penny and how it was spent and I handed it over to the caseworker. She also interviewed a couple of people at the NH where my relative was living and where I visited daily.

That was the end of that.
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Isthisreallyreal, it's a ticklish issue you raise there.

It is quite true that your mother has as much right to financial privacy as anyone else. So, no, on the face of it that would prevent your disclosing the details of her budget to intrusive family members.

On the other hand, when a vulnerable person's finances are being handled by a POA, the POA can be held to account by suitably authorised persons and required to show where the money has gone. Those suitably authorised persons could be named in the POA documentation (in your case, clearly not) or they could be appointed by a court - APS might also have the power to demand disclosure if they're following up reports of financial abuse, I'm not sure how that works.

Still, in principle you could be required to provide detailed information about expenditure; and for that reason alone it is essential for your own peace of mind to keep complete records.

What to tell your interfering twit, now.... It's up to you, really, but I'd go for whatever gives you a rest from her/him. Are these real questions or just generalised grumbling?
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Been there done that. Sorry hun. People can do all manner of things for greed. I've had accusations thrown at me and other family members that weren't obligated caregivers, but were just trying to help. It's a nightmare, but it passes as they lose steam and realize they can't do much.
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Maybe I'm wrong but I don't think how moms money is spent is anybody's business but hers.

Does anybody know for sure that you have to legally provide an accounting of her money? I'm really curious because I have a huge issue that now you have this twit asking why is her hygiene products expense so high, she doesn't eat that much blah blah blah, just to cause crap.
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If your mom is facing dementia, you may consider getting a guardianship or Conservatorship, just in case your mom decides against your decisions. Once court appointed, your sister has the burden of proving you in court, to be unfit with handling your mom's finances. I had to get a Conservatorship, because my mom's POA, was incompetent, and so was my mom. I could not fraud my mom, because I answered to the court. Every penny I spent out of our Conservatorship account, was documented, proven, and sent to the court for verification. My family could not falsely accuse me of any wrong doing.
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So if your sister were to take legal action against you in a court of law, her track record speaks for itself.
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"Can my sister take legal action against me...?"

Yes.

Can she win?

Yes. Every case is different. Every judge is different.

Will she win?

Probably not, but it's possible, especially if she lies and the judge believes her. I know this from experience from when a relative of mine was sued by a previous girlfriend who knew him for only a few months, got pregnant on purpose, sought help from a lawyer when my relative said he wanted to break up with her, and then got support from the Battered Women's Society to help her with her case. My relative has never hit anyone in his life, and she confessed to me years later that he hadn't hurt her. (Yes, we still see her because she's the mother of his child.) She said that his face got all red and that scared her because her dad (who beat her and her sisters up) would get red in the face before he hit them. My relative ended up not only having to pay child support but with a criminal record. At the time, this woman had gotten a restraining order against him and then moved to his area so she could spy on him. The judge had enough of her when she asked for my relative to be barred from the singles hiking club that they had first met at. She spent the next few months going to the club trying to get him kicked out of the club.

So I would get a lawyer, protect myself, and document everything because you never know whom the judge is going to believe.
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My sister has POA of our Father who is 91 and has dementia. Apparently, he gave her POA some 20 years ago but no one told me. We are his only children, she is 2 years older. She has complete control of his finances and everything. She tries to make it out like she's POA because she's the good sister and I'm the bad sister. This infuriates me. She makes all decisions without me and I have no idea what her and her husband do with my dad's money. I was always the Peacekeeper and the one with the level headed one in our dysfunctional family growing up. Mom committed suicide when we were teens. Anyway, your story reminded me of ours with me being the bad sister. Just to remind us all that there are many, often deeply rooted issues that are involved with caring for our parents.
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My first reaction is that you need an elder care attorney for guidance and legal council. To echo Caring4Mom2018 statement, document-document-document! I cannot emphasize that enough. Make sure you write the date, time, who, what, where, etc., but date including the year and time of day are so important because there might be several events on one date you write about, so include the time, AM or PM. Be careful about secretly recording a conversation - that question should be asked of the elder care attorney because laws for secretly recording a conversation are different in every state, and maybe even your county/city.
Guardianship is a legal tool for you to manage your parents care and might be something that would protect you as well as your parents from false accusations because guardianship is appointed by a judge. Again, an elder care attorney will help you with your choices for your parents care. Interview experienced attorneys and choose the one you have rapport with. Interviews are free, and although hourly rates are steep, please don't cheat yourself out of good representation. Perhaps there are legal elder advocates who can represent your parents on a pro-bono basis? Please get outside help for you and your family. I will keep you in my prayers.
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just a note from me. if you have everything legal in place, your sister cannot even see where the money is going. It is none of her business. You do not have to report to her. Your mother left the responsibility to you- usually the wording is pretty clear as to all of the things you can and cannot legally do. double check the legal paperwork. Way too much to deal with plus her going off on you.
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I have just basically gone through this stuation.
1. Is your State a Community property State....very important
2. Does Mom have a Will stating that you are in control of her Estate when that issue comes
3. Did your Mother prepare a Durable Power of attorney naming you to take care of her medically, financial agent and directives i.e. DNR

Now the bad news. Your sister has the right to see your Mother, but that does not mean she can just show up at your home unannounced.

You can petition the Court regarding this issue which you may be able to set day/time and what she is required to do i.e. call a few days ahead so you have the ability to let her know what your schedule is for that particular day.

She has the right to petition the Court to become her guardian/conservator, but she must prove why she is the better person to take over. You will have the chance to convince the Court that she is not, make sure you have recorded EVERYTHING, Dr appointments, the money coming from Mom's account and what it has been spent on, the days/times your sister shows up, how long she stays and if possible and legally record her conversations without her knowing.

An appointment such as this over rides any POA you may have. You would not be able to do anything more, especially the finances! If you are named in the Will to handle everything once she passes, then you regain the responsibility over your sister. BUT, she can contest.

IF you Mother is able to understand legal documents to sign, have her either place all her funds into a POA account with you as the POA...these are very restrictive accounts. Also have her place you as beneficiary on all her investment funds...IF she understands what this means.

My siblings, especially the one who lived for free more than 10 yrs at Mom's home would not allow me to now what was happening and convinced Mom that I wanted to take her money etc and place her in a nursing facility! Like you, I promised Mom I'd take care of her.

This past April, my 3 siblings dropped everything in my lap and I have been trying to get the pieces of the puzzle into their proper places so they can see the entire picture as well as what the created.

I am now Mom's guardian/conservator. I must provide any information they request per the Court Order...I don't mind, they're my siblings and Mom/Dad's prodigy (divorced 24+ yrs). MY BIGGEST PROBLEM are my step-siblings!!

The oldest of the 4 has Durable Power of attorney for their Father, BUT MY APPOINTMENT OVER RIDES HER DPOA AND SHE IS PISSED OFF (EXCUSE ME) THAT SHE NO LONGER HAS CONTROL OF ANYTHING if it has anything to do with my Mom!!

I receive an email or letter on a weekly basis from her attorney (I represented myself!) wanting all the information about the bills I've been paying since April, my sweet Step-father must pay 50% as AZ is community property and must pay as long as they are married. Mom owns the house which also does not make this step-sister happy as well as the checking account was a Primary ownership account and daddy was ONLY an authorized signer (I had to correct the Judge, Fiduciary and her attorney constantly that it was not a JOINT ACCOUNT, the Judge finally asked me the difference. It was fun correcting these legal eagles!).

This step-sister DEMANDS I drop everything and place her wants at the head of the line. Yesterday's letter was the last straw. Yes, I read her attorney the riot act and if these demand letters didn't stop, I will petition the Court and have her charged with harassment. That even though I did, under oath agreed to provide information to her, the area of the Order her attorney kept referring had to do with the Guardian ad litem AND no where in the Order does it state my step-sister or her attorney specifically I have to do provide this information. I ONLY need provide a spreadsheet and that's all I'm going to do after everything is provided to the Guardian ad litem.

My step-sister CANNOT call any of the companies listed since she does not have any authority. I will only provide on-line confirmation for the month of April since she accused me of using signed blank checks to pay the bills....she's a former grade school teacher (it's no wonder kids don't know anything today) and wants to check my "homework"...NOT.
She used her DPOA to "steal" over $38.000.00 from Mom's account! Don't mess with a former banker!! As I told her attorney last night, her client had better spend her time finding the money she will have to return to Mom AND since their income(s) were commingled, it must be combined and divided 50-50, so she better be prepared for that too.

Sorry this is so detailed etc, but just want you to know what you're basically looking at with your sister.

Hire an Estate attorney who is very well schooled regarding the protection laws. Google their experience and/or contact the Bar to get a copy of their Court record. Just because their shingle state Estate Lawyer does not mean they truly understand the Estate Laws of the State. I did and still do, research AZ law about this and the paralegal who helped me know more about this than the attorneys did and proved.

Good luck, stress will become worse, but you want to keep that promise.

**if your step-father's abcense affects your Mother's mental health, you can have his children bring him back. My step-sister is/has tried, but she can't now.
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Besides all the drama with your sister, she is still your Mother's child too. She has a right to see Mom and also know where the money is going. You ought to be keeping a clear record of how, when, where and why the money you are spending on Mom so that you can easily show her and the courts should she decide to contest the POA which she can do. The courts will most likely see you as a fighting family regardless of what Mom truly wanted and you may end up with a court appointed guardian. Tread lightly because if that happens, you will see whatever money Mom does have, it will go directly to the courts, attorneys and the guardian. It is well known that the guardianship programs in every state are wrought with fraud so you could open up a can of worms and no one but the state and the attorneys "win". Your Mom will be the biggest loser and she will not even realize what happened. I suggest as hard as it is, get together with your sister and a neutral party for example a social worker, and try to work this out. Your Mom should take her last breath feeling that everything is Ok with her children. I don't believe any Mother wants to die feeling angst or estrangement from any of her children no matter what the age or circumstance. Good luck.
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I look at this from another angle. I find it disturbing that so many families treat their elderly parent as if he/she is a prized possession to be fought over to win and maintain control. Once one family member gets control they hang on tight to make sure they don't lose their prized control. This seems to be more the case when there is a sizeable amount of money involved. In my family all of the control of my mother and her approx. $800k in assets was given to my sister, who happens to be a lying sociopath, and so I just have had to accept it. I live 600+ miles away, work full time running our company and really can't contribute much to my mother's care anyway from this distance. But when I have gone to stay with my mom in my sister's absence I get a lack of gratitude and respect from both my mother and sister. I have pretty much withdrawn from the whole mess and let her enjoy all that wonderful "control" she so fiercely hangs on to. I still call my mother on occasion, but when I have visited in the past I find it terribly insulting that I am treated like I am not to be trusted. After I leave I later learn I have been accused of taking or hiding something, petty theft in essence. That is so very far from the truth of the kind of person I am. My husband and I are self-made multi-millionaires and I assure you I have no need or want of any of my mother's cheap trinkets. But that is the narrative they seem to like to portray of me. It is mostly orchestrated by my sister to keep her status as "the favorite" by smearing me to keep everyone thinking bad of me. So in all this, she has won total control, but she has lost a truly caring person that could have contributed more to my mother's care. So I guess what I am saying to the original poster is consider yourself lucky your sister still wants to visit your (and HER) mother under your careful watch, with your suspicions, cameras, etc. watching her every move. At some point she will probably tire of being treated like a criminal when visiting her own mother, and let you have her all to yourself. Be careful what you wish for.
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Jada824 Aug 2018
Sometimes it's not about the money.....it's about control. My Mom has no money just her social security & retirement, but my brother has what he calls " control" .
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By letter, tell sis she calls before she comes or she won't be admitted, tell her that she stays polite to ALL household members or she will be shown the door & do it ... record her for proof & let her know you are doing so

Make sure you keep a paper trail a mile wide - think about giving her an annual statement of what money came in & what was spent including 1/3 of your electric, water, heat, food etc plus all mom's personal expenses - this is assuming you, hubby, mom are the only ones living there but hold off on disclosing anything about mom's investments - my cousin had too do this every month to her brother [he was like your sis] but when my aunt died there was no way he could question any expenses so that was 1 less headache for her
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Since your sister is bringing up the money, I would take a breathe, make a list of expenditures and income to show where the money is going and mail her a copy. Tell her in the letter that you are happy to provide any information she would like on where the money is going as long as she comes to you in a respectful manner. Explain that your husband and you feel that she is disrespecting you in your home and you would like her to be able to spend time with mom but she must call first and that you would like it if you could both be civil. Try very hard to keep the letter polite. This does two things...one you will quickly find out if she really is concerned about what you are doing with mom's money or just wants mom's money and two, if she does take it to court you can show that you were trying to work with her and alleviate her concerns. If she is just trying to get her hands on the money then just continue to stand your ground and she will just have to follow your rules or else.
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Cateyes , you are a wonderful daughter for taking care of your mom and it sounds like you have a wonderful family supporting you in this journey! Be sure to remind your self-absorbed sister that this is a gift you are giving your mom and siblings by taking on this huge task of caring for your mom in your home and a big change and sacrifice for you and your family. Not to mention, saving everyone thousands of dollars per month if your mom were to be in a memory care facility instead of in your loving home. I know first hand what it's like to deal with a narcissistic sister as mine sounds a lot like yours. For years she ran rough-shot over my entire family. When dad passed away 11 years ago it just got worse. Very long and tumultuous story-short, she took herself out of the mix. When she realized I was POA she cussed out me and my mom and never set foot on my moms doorstep again, by her own choice. Because of her irate, irrational and caustic behavior and constant abusive tirades and demanding "she should get my moms house and her son should get my moms car" etc., I was thankful when she was finally out of the picture. But for you to have to put up with it daily in your own home is unacceptable and you and your family absolutely do NOT have to put up with her behavior! There's already been a ton of good advice given (I love this forum!) so, please take it and set up some very strict boundaries. Do not hesitate to ask for help and support from your children, brother and other family members to back you on this. As you become stronger in dealing with her it will get easier. For years and years my whole family tip-toed around my sister because we "wanted to keep the peace" and you know what? It only enabled her to get worse and worse until she became abusive. Your main focus should be your moms care and you should NOT have to put up with your sister harassing you because she didn't get her way. My last piece of advice- When you start to set boundaries she will more than likely become more irate and abusive towards you. Just stay firm and remind her, its her choice. How she CHOOSES to behave will dictate how things go. Good luck to you and your loved ones and God bless you!
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