I’m the 24/7 caregiver for my 87 year old mother who has dementia. I pay for 10 hours of outside help. I have a sister who took her out for an hour on Thanksgiving and visited on her birthday. Mother’s Day will be her next visit and I’m dreading it already. She does nothing else to help me care for OUR mother. She even took a part time job to be unavailable 7 days a week and told me she can’t bring OUR mom to her home because she rents and mom might destroy something. OUR mother weighs 89 lbs and can only walk about 10 feet. I’ve been doing this for 7 months. I cried every day for the first 2. I haven’t been able to visit my grandchildren in Ohio or babysit my 2 other grandchildren nearby. I had just retired from my job as a nurse in a state prison when my stepdad had a stroke and passed away...I liked prison better. My mom pees in her shoes and blames my dog...I gave her a small trashcan for dirty tissues and she pooped in it. My dog and I just look at each other and shake our heads. I have gotten to the point where I am ok with this caregiver life but I can’t deal with how much I resent my sister. I don’t want her here. I don’t like her. I don’t want to be the bigger person. I’m doing what I feel is right for OUR mother and I can live with myself. I don’t have to make it easier for her to sleep at night.
Speaking from [my own] experience, the second I decided that I was not going to get any assistance with the care of my mum from my sisters, it became easier. I looked at it as, it was their loss, not mine.
Today, I have NO regrets for providing care for the one who cared for me when I needed it the most, as a child.
When your mum is no longer here, she has to live with her conscience, not you.
Keep up the good work.
Be open and honest with your sister.
I bet when you get back, she'll be a bit more understanding of your plight.
i think if you could get some time away you would deal with this much better
now here is advice others gave me. It’s just one day. Grin and bear it. Perhaps you could provide your sister with some one on one time with her mother by going out the moment she arrives and telling her you will be back at a certain time. Then leave
Sis: I’ll be over about noon on mother's day.
Karin: Great. Since I get to spend every day with Mom, I’ll get her all ready for your visit, and you can take her to Chez Palace, her favorite restaurant.
Sis: aren’t you coming?
Karin: No this will be your special day. I’ve made other plans. I should be back by 4. (Or whenever the movie is over)
Sis: But, but, but....
Karin: well if that doesn’t work for you, then just give her a call. Bye!
But just out of curiosity, have you actually told sis that you could use some help? Help with some respite caregiving? Help financially with some more paid caregivers if she doesn’t want to personally get involved? Maybe she thinks since you are an retired nurse you are so competent that you don’t need any help? Have you tried guilt? Is she dense and needs a 2x4 to see what’s going on? Do you just grit your teeth and let this resentment fester? It’s really unhealthy and I hope you find a way to get through to her for all of your benefit.