Should I refuse to let my sister visit OUR elderly mother in my home for her semiannual feel better day?

Gnorth, maybe where you are the nursing home may be like that, but it surely is not in my state and many others. It invariably can be better with family support, but there are many many people who do not have that and get good care in a nursing home.

I am unsure if you mean your mother receives 2000 + other income (ie. social security), which is what I think you might mean. Otherwise, the total amount of 2000 is the typical amount for Medicaid, again, perhaps not every state. But it all goes back to your decision on her living with you with your care or in a nursing home (if a higher level of care is needed than an assisted living facility). Remember there are huge differences between needs and wants.

I know exactly how you feel because I am in the exact same spot. Only I am on my 19th year of it. I had my Grandmother and my mom at the same time. My siblings thought that because I wasn't married and had lost my job that I could just take care of it, easy. The first month I had to move my grandmother in with my mom I literally thought I was going to die.My mother kept calling the police because she saw scary people in the trees in the front yard and my grandmother kept leaving because she wanted to go home. She didn't sleep for 5 days, and then she would crash for 3 days. She wouldn't eat or drink. My siblings just couldn't get how hard it was. I was doing this by my self with no breaks. The only way I survived this was my belief that God would sustain me, I hit my needs several times a day. I would not have made it if it were not for Heavenly Fathers strength. My Grandmother passed and I am still caring for mom. I have learned many things. Frist get a social worker to come in and help you with what ever is available in your area, second, I hope you have power of attorney or you are her guardian, if not get that done now. Read everything you can about dementia, there are several kinds. It will help you deal with her disease. Take care of your own health, or both of you will be hurting. Live in her world and try to remember that you are dealing with a disease, don't take anything negative she says to you personally. Her brain isn't working right. You have to become an actor. I would wear my hair down when I had to do things my mother didn't like. She would hide food etc and then it would smell and I cleaned it up which made her mad. I would then leave the room, change my shirt and put my hair up. Then come back in the room to bathe her or what ever and she would think I was someone else and complain about the other woman to me, but she would cooperate with me cause I was the nice one. It took 9 years to get my brother to help me, He would complain that I had it so easy, not working and staying home all day etc. So some of my good friends had had enough and paid for me to take a vacation. I called my brother and told him I was taking a week and he needed to come and take care of mom, I wrote up about 15 pages of all the things he had to do and told him the day I was leaving, and if anything happened to mom while I was gone would be on his head! He was shocked that he was going to have to take time off of work and that I needed a break, He came on the day I was leaving and before I could get out the door mom pooed her pants and he wanted me to come back in to change her, it was hard for me , but I said no, that there was step by step instructions on how to do it. I left, I did have a friend who would come everyday to help him for a few hours, I just didn't tell him. Needless to say he lasted 3 hours before he was calling in reinforcements. He had 6 people in taking care of mom. I reminded him that I had 2 of them, doing it all by myself. He had a new respect for what I go through every day and now I get a little more help but a lot more respect then I use too. I had to use shock tactics on all my siblings to get them to understand, It was scary leaving mom in their hands, but it worked. My mom doesn't qualify for Medicaid either I found the AREA ON AGING, they have some programs for care givers, you might have something like that in your area. I wish lots of luck and love

Karin, Your Path is a very difficult one. Sometimes one feels that no matter which way we turn we are faced with life changing decisions. I have been a CNA, in memory care, assisted lvg, and independent living, and have seen so many heart wrenching situations. Also have been a HHA and watched people living at home with or without family or caregivers. Decisions and choices made with certainty, resolve, obligation and guilt. But ultimately all are choices. Each individual makes a choice. Whether the decision is made with love, compassion and responsibility or selfishness, greed and lack of empathy lies with the being involved. I do not know what drives your sister's choice. Some simply cannot deal with the reality of the impending loss or perhaps the choice was made when you assumed responsibility for the care of your mother. I do know that whatever the circumstances were/are you will be the one who suffers and hurts a hundred times over if you do not let go of the anger and resentment. When dementia is involved it is many times in the best interest of all involved for the person to be in a place that has the training and personnel to handle the day to day living. It is not a "failure" to recognize that not one of us is always able to handle the myriad of problems, yes problems, that arise. Your choice is not a "simple" one but, you must make it regardless. Your life and that of your grandchildren vs trained care for your mom. Your current choice is one of anger and resentment for things you have no control over. It will and can eat at you until there is a hollow place in your being. A part that neither you or your grandchildren will ever get back. Make your choice and let go of what you cannot control. I pray that the angels are at your side.

gnorth,

"First off, you have to be 1 step from homelessness in order to receive Medicaid". .... not so, I work in this field. Go to an eldercare attorney. It's worth the $$$

pandabear,
Again, just because one person thinks the parent should be taken care of the way that one person thinks.... does NOT make it so. That caregiver thinks the brother should take care of the parent and resents him..... I'm sure he has valid reasons for not doing so. EVERYONE needs to take a step back and not act like a sibling should do what YOU think should be done. Who are you or they to judge?

If that is what YOU want to do, so be it. But there are all sorts of sides to "the rest of the story".

And I see people in nursing homes here in my state who have Medicaid and are getting terrific care in a nursing home.

Karin,

How are things going? I hope things work out for you.

do the right thing.not for yourself and your sister,but for the lady that is the mother of both of you ladys. you might regeat it when your mother dies and you have denied your sister from seeing her mother.would you want to be denied the the same opportunity to see your mother before she passes away? good luck for your choice,because you will have to live with it.

I believe that you are enabling your sister. I suggest you sit down with her to talk about how to properly divide the caregiving for your mother. She needs to contribute to your mother's care. Communication goes a long way. You should be able to visit your grandchildren. It will be up to you to let your sister know that she needs to step.
Take care of yourself.

Agreed, your sister needs to help out more. When she visits, can you leave the home so she has to stay with your mom for the day.
I have Health Care Proxy and POA over my dad. I live 1 1/2 hours away. My sister lives with my mom and dad and is the primary caretaker. We also have an aid that comes in 6 days a week for 5 hours a day. My sister works part time and when she is not working, she has to be involved with the aids care of my dad. She will not take a break. I have even suggested that when the aid is in the home and my sister is off, that she go sit at a coffee shop for a break. She refuses. When my sister refuses to take a break, there is little that can be done. She is not willing to take care of herself. Even when I visit, she runs around doing unnecessary stuff. I have tried to help in various ways but she will not take the help. I would be greatful if my sister left the home when I go for a visit.

Anonymous 863524; Wow ! What a handful I hope your sister knows about these antics that u deal with ...its still not the same until you actually have to caregive 24 hours a day 7 days a week

There are also people who like to wallow in self-pity. Remember you made the decision to take care of your mother. Just because you did that, you seem to feel everyone else should do that, and someone on this forum thinks Australia is the answer.

I am not only the daughter of a 93 y.o., I also work in this long term care business. Not sure where you live, but there are all sorts of assisted living and nursing facilities and memory care units. There is such a thing as getting on Medicaid and having help from medicaid long term care in a facility or in the person's home. For the veteran or veteran spouse, there is help from aid and attendance. There's all sorts of help available. Call the Area Agency on Aging... google it if you do not know where it is.

But know this, just because you make your decision, does not mean that a sibling has to make the same decision. Each has a right to his/her own decision and that does NOT make them bad people. "Just different strokes for different folks". What works for one does NOT work for all.

It works out right now with my mom in my home, but in the future, if she requires the same kind of care your mother does, I am not going to spend the rest of my life being resentful..... I will have her go to assisted living or memory care or nursing facility, whatever is needed to get her good care, and NOT feel guilty about it.

Getting all that weight off your shoulders sounds like it would be good for you as well. Let your mom go to a good facility and you be HAPPY. Happy that she will get the care she needs and you can visit your children and grandchildren, and have some life of your own. It sounds like you are just making everyone miserable because of YOUR choice.

Your sibling does not have to stay in your home, but definitely she should be allowed to see her mother. Why not? Because she doesn't do what you expect her to?

I see you getting more and more angry as more responses come through. I totally get it. BUT there is some very good advice here, use it

scroll past the negatives and pious rejects ang focus on the good stuff. If you want to be angry and fed up then go and be angry and fed up. It’s nobody’s concern but yours if you want to tell your sister to bugg*r off then do it. You don’t need permission

i am from Australia and we have Dept Aged care, Vetrans Affairs, Anglicare, Salvos, local government, emergency carers respite and such. Do you have equivalent where you are. Are you, as a veteran entitled to support

i think this is more about you being at the end of your rope. Total burnout. Complete rage I think you need to contact aged care services and social services to find out what you and your mother are entitled to or pay someone to do it for you.

Forget about the sister and the brother. They are never going to come to the party. Let it go. As we say in Oz. Pi** them off

1. Can she go to daycare
2. Can you get in home help
3. Time for full time care? Or at least respite
4. Does your mother have financial resources to help
5. How much is your sanity worth

you are not alone. However if you don’t take some good advice and get some me time you are going to lose your mind

Well, YOU are doing what you feel is right. But your sister is not wrong for her beliefs. Each of you has a choice of what to do or not to do. So just because you decided to do this, does NOT make your sister the evil one. I would never do what you do, either. But, that is my choice.

Hi, Karin,
It always seems that one sibling ends up doing everything--or almost everything. I am also the primary caretaker of my mother while my sister does nothing at all. It sounds like conversations with your sibling haven't been effective, either. The way I see it, a caretaker has to survive emotionally and physically the best way he or she can. You should answer to only yourself and your conscience. If that means you don't allow your sister to visit your parent in your home, then that is the way it is.
I'm sorry that you get no breaks from your mother, however. I haven't checked into it myself because my mom is in a retirement home, but someone told me that there are resources available for family caretakers so that you can catch a breath every so often.
You have my empathy, and I wish you the best of luck.

Karin, what have your conversations with your sister vis a vis nom's care been?

Did she agree with you that keeping her at home was the best idea? Was there a discussion beforehand about what support she'd give you?

You sound teed off and resentful of her. Does she know how you feel? I come from a family in which everyone is all polite but seething inside.

Seething is generally not good for you. Can you and sis talk about what YOUR needs are and how to get them met while you care for mom?

I can relate a bit with your situation. My Mom does not live with me but I am her Caregiver. I do everything for her and also for my stepdad who passed away. No one ever said to me do you need any help. They barely visited my stepdad when he was ill and had to go to a nursing home. They hardly visit my MOM now that she is alone and I tend to feel guilty when I am not there. I would probably feel the same way about my sister as you feel. I don't have a sister any longer but I wish I did, she passed away at the age of 47. Grandchildren come once in a while.

Maybe when your sister comes to visit you need to leave and take a break. Maybe you can suggest to your sister that she needs to take part in the caregiving of your mom half the time she can stay with her.

You are amazing that you do what you do!

First of all, the sister should help but most likely never will.

Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do for another is to stay away from them. Karin’s sister is of no help to her or the mother.

If the mom mom does not request to see her and Karin does not want to see her, the kind thing for sis to do is to stay away.

If the mom does want to see her then Karen does not need to entertain her or provide her home. Sis can take her mom out somewhere.

Karin, I am in the same boat. Useless siblings. I get it. Hope it will get better for all of us. Take care and God bless.

do what is right.

Karin, I am really sad to think you don't feel you're getting any support. Your situation jangles so many bells with me that I don't want to give up.

Okay. Should you refuse to let your sister visit your mother on this mother's day, coming up in just a couple of weeks.

Well, you can. Suppose you decided to, decided it's not happening, you're going to call and tell her not to come.

What would you say?

You know, if you just wanted to vent that you hate your sister and don't want her in your life you should have said that up front and not asked anyone's opinions, we already have whole threads devoted to sibling bashing so you are not alone. I haven't read the whole thread but I haven't seen any personal attacks or outright snark - I guess I just don't see how people offering simple differences of opinion is being cruel and hateful.

Karinslife, I think your main problem isnt that u dont have time for yourself, but that u dont have the sister to share all of this, to support and help. Its like u exist, so she can live a careless life. Its the injustice thàt hurts u, especially if your mother cant see the difference between u and her.
Im planning to write a book called "my worst enemy is my sister" .
Yeah, right, my therapist tried to convince me that is not my sister's fault, its mine because I chose to take care of my mother, while I could ignore her too. I say, easy to say, very hard to do.

I think you know the answer to this question, deep down.

Being mean spirited and withholding never makes us feel better, never makes us more. If you are angry with your sister, free both of you, and deal with it directly. Tell her, from your heart, how you feel. You will both be better for it.

Then, release yourself and your mother from this nightmare you are living, and put her in care, before someone gets hurt. This may sound harsh, but it sounds like you have learned from her all too well, how to be unhappy, and make others suffer as a consequence. What happens on the day that all goes too far?

My dear, it’s not a script you need to follow any longer than you choose to. Take back your joy. Choose happiness, and let your mother play out her own drama - that may be the best pay-back to those who have disappointed you, if that is really what you are after. More important though - I hope you can heal and find some peace. I wish you well in that.

Karen, I feel so sorry for both you and your Mom. You are absolutely miserable w mtaking care of your Mom. You clearly don’t enjoy it. Your Mom deserves better and you deserve a life. You cannot change your sister but you can change your life. There are services available. Get more help. I don’t know if your mom has money. If she does, use it to build some breaks for yourself. I would spend every cent on her care. Your sister does not deserve an inheritance. If there is no money, there may be senior citizen activities at your center. My mom was able to have my grandma picked up for those...
Please do something to rectify your situation. You deserve a life.
Good luck!

Karin, you asked about some of the more antagonistic replies, why would people come on to a support forum to tear others down?

Why? Because what you see depends on where you stand. And some readers will be standing more in your sister's position than they are in yours. But they're still part of a comparable situation.

I have sometimes speculated about what my siblings would say about me. I do it less nowadays because I am pretty confident it would not be complimentary - tributes to my work and dedication, appreciation of my efforts to inform and include them? I think not - and it feels healthier to leave the rumination behind along with the siblings.

One day, you will be free to do that if you choose...

[aside: what is this point you make that if your sister ever needed you you would still take her in? This is an interesting complication. Why so?]

... but meanwhile, to repeat, this is only about your mother. You can, if you want to, make it a simple question: would mother like to see sister?

How you would cope with her presence is an issue, yes. But there are ways to get through it. You don't enjoy quite a lot of the tasks associated with your mother's wellbeing but you do them anyway. For her.

Rage does boil up, and simmer down, and boil up. Again, I sympathise, and I remember. Do you think your sister really knows how you are feeling right now? Have you considered actually telling her?

I think you might have more to lose than I did. All told I was quite glad to see the back of my lot, but I don't gather it's the same for you.

Time to look into a nursing home....take care of yourself

i hope you don’t think I’m speaking out of turn, but you sound so very close to burning out. You remind me very much of how I was a few years ago. I’m an only so didn’t have selfish siblings but I was so very angry at Mum’s siblings/my cousins/friends- all the people who left me to struggle on while they got on with their lives. I had a meltdown when someone (primary care nurse) dared to ask if I worked. I realise now she was asking how I was managing to work. But at the time it felt as though everything and everyone was against me. They weren’t.
Are you sure the problem is your sister and not that this caregiver role is too much?

Refusing to let your sister see her mother isn’t a good look. If things go from bad to worse, it could make you look in the wrong. Think of ways that it can happen without annoying you. And if possible, ways that it can work in your favour by letting your sister see reality and by giving you a break. Protect your reputation and your self image as the person doing the right thing. Best wishes.

I understand your concern.....On the other hand, smoldering resentments are a vicious master....You only hurt yourself.  Resentments never accomplish anything except keeping the resentful one miserable..

Some problems are unfair but there seems to be no remedy.

I urge you to take the high road. 

You are the noble one.  Let God sort it out in His time.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

Is it possible that this "supposed" visit of sister will be a real eye opener for her? Maybe she has no clue as to the fact that mom pees in her shoes and poops in a trash can. I don't know if it will be a "Ah ha" moment for her. Honestly, if it isn't she must as quite self serving as you describe. However, all that aside, it is imperative that you get respite, else you'll fall faint and ill. Perhaps this isn't the right bible scripture for you at this time, but you need the Lord, thy God to assist you. Praying for you. God bless you.

Isaiah 40:29-31
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly,

Make a copy of this letter, and send it to your sister. Or better yet, see if you can find a family mediator, or an elder care mediator who gets families together to discuss co-caring and build empathy for one another. Most likely, you've been the organized and diligent one and are just not seen as vulnerable or overwhelmed, after all you could handle a prison no? What exactly is her financial situation? Does she have an alcoholic husband draining her ? What goes on in her home, albeit none of your business could shed a lot of light on why she is being such a "minimalist" visitor, also, you having been a nurse, you might actually contributing to this distance, as she might feel unqualified, perhaps, and feels ashamed to come over perhaps she was criticized about how she changed a diaper once (fictitious example) start with sharing with her, via showing. Beg her to come over more often and tell her how it feels to be you.. even though just telling her all that you do, in a day isn't as good as showing her. I like the way you were open enough to tell us that you cried for 2 months. That you haven't visited other family etc. However, you might be too caught up in childhood dynamics to be straight up and not feel "guilty" about asking her for more time. I really think no one will ever begrudge how much you do for your parent, yet, there is always a lot of room for improvement in your own care for you and your own grandkids. What would it be like, letting go of the reins, perhaps? If she is not married, then she may need to be contributing to the cost for yet two more days a week, move closer to you, or some such arrangement where you are out of your house, or home alone to do your own relaxing. What about your vacation time, what if you needed to go away for a whole month? I find that codependents and nurses have a lot in common and maybe just maybe, being upfront in a diplomatic way might work out in ways you could not now imagine. I wish you well, and a good outcome. Please take care of yourself. All the best.

I think you should decide what's best for your mom and YOU. You count, too since you're doing all the work and have all of the responsibility. My mom is doing okay, but she needs meal, house cleaning, transportation and errands help. I have three brothers, two of whom are completely useless. Brother #2 has her over for dinner once in a while on the Saturday (I go home most weekends). I had to put my foot down with brother #1 (criticizing and complaining), and will do so with the other one (brother #3) if he has the nerve to show up while I am there. He only comes over when I am at work as he knows what will occur if he and I tangle. He wants money and a place to stay, since wife kicked him out. Not going to happen. Who asks their 85 year old mother for money and a place to stay?

I'm done with considering everyone else's opinions, feelings, whatever. Since I do the majority of the caregiving, then I do the majority of the decision-making if that is necessary. My mother has a history of difficulty saying "no" to brother #3. That has ended. I don't like him and I won't put up with any nonsense from him.

My two cents.