Should I refuse to let my sister visit OUR elderly mother in my home for her semiannual feel better day?

Karin, I’m so sorry you’re going through this virtually alone. It’s posts like this that sometimes make me appreciate being an only child. The responsibility all falls on me (and my wonderful DH) but at least I don’t have an all consuming urge to shoot a sibling. So I can only speak from an only child perspective, but if her presence is so upsetting to you that you’re already worried about a visit 2 months from now, I would definitely plan for Mom to be “unavailable” that day. Maybe a phone call to Mom would suffice to get sis off your back and be enough for her to check Mom off her to-do obligation list for that day.
But just out of curiosity, have you actually told sis that you could use some help? Help with some respite caregiving? Help financially with some more paid caregivers if she doesn’t want to personally get involved? Maybe she thinks since you are an retired nurse you are so competent that you don’t need any help? Have you tried guilt? Is she dense and needs a 2x4 to see what’s going on? Do you just grit your teeth and let this resentment fester? It’s really unhealthy and I hope you find a way to get through to her for all of your benefit.

I totally understand your anger. Firstly, is it possible for your mother to go to daycare once a week or have someone come to your home so you can visit your grandchildren or just chill? Have you looked into services provided by local council and aged care providers

i think if you could get some time away you would deal with this much better

now here is advice others gave me. It’s just one day. Grin and bear it. Perhaps you could provide your sister with some one on one time with her mother by going out the moment she arrives and telling her you will be back at a certain time. Then leave

Sounds like your sister makes up excuses not to help with mom - kind of like my sister. Mom lived with me for 5 years and my sister never really got how hard it was to care for her until Mom insisted on spending a week with her before she went into her memory care facility. By the end of that week, my sister had had it. Maybe yours needs a wake up call. How's this? Call her on a Sunday night and tell her you've been in touch with your child in Ohio. There has been an emergency and they need you to come help out with the grandchildren for a few days. You need to leave the following Friday. There is no one else you can trust and no one else mom would accept taking care of her while you're gone, so she needs to step up, come to your house, and stay with mom for a few days. Don't give her the option of refusing. Tell her you've booked a flight and cleared it with the outside help. You've given her plenty of time to rearrange her work schedule for a part time job, so that should be no problem.

I bet when you get back, she'll be a bit more understanding of your plight.

How was your mum's relationship with your sister before she came to live with you?

Speaking from [my own] experience, the second I decided that I was not going to get any assistance with the care of my mum from my sisters, it became easier. I looked at it as, it was their loss, not mine.

Today, I have NO regrets for providing care for the one who cared for me when I needed it the most, as a child.

When your mum is no longer here, she has to live with her conscience, not you.
Keep up the good work.

Be open and honest with your sister.

When I made the choice to be my mother's caregiver I knew from the start that it was all on me, not because my family were selfish or evil but because I knew that they were not the caregiver type. I imagine that your sister would be perfectly content to have your mother placed in an appropriate facility, if you were absent she may have even stepped up to make it happen. I know I'm going to be blasted for this, but IMO you don't get to hate your sister because she made a different choice, and it isn't appropriate to let your resentment and animosity come between your mother and her other daughter.

Your sister may be fearful of caring for an elderly person and so she "avoids" her. If she works part time, then she has a day off or a few hours ? Sit her down and ask about the next steps for your mother, possible nursing home ( even if it is not in the budget) just to get the conversation started. Then discuss her views ( fear) of caring for an elderly person. See if she would shadow you a few times to learn. Then plan a weekend away so you can see the grandkids.
She may have the personality of avoiding hard things, only you know that. If so- take care of you and look into adult daycare or visiting nurse for a few hours out.

You know siblings like this don't ever feel guilty about not being there for Mom. They do not experience regrets. And she probably figures with sister being a Nurse she can handle it. Lot different working a 8-12 hour shift and coming home and relaxing than 24/7 care. Unlike children who grow up, Dementia patients go backwards in time and end up being a big baby.

Karen, if her care is getting to you after 7 months, it may not improve. Mom seems to be at a bad point now, its only going to get worse. I would start looking for a nice LTC facility. If Mom has no money, then apply to Medicaid. My Mom had about 20k. I placed her in a nice LTC facility and she private paid for 2 months, Medicaid took over the 3rd month. Mom was pretty "out of it" but she adjusted very well. The staff loved her. I allowed them to take over her laundry because residents always seemed clean and oder free. She was provided Depends and her toiletries. All I did was visit.

If this is not the way you want to go, then check with ALs in the area and LTC facilities about respite care. It will cost but you can then get away to see grands knowing Mom is cared for. Or tell sister, I need to get away can you take time off and come here and care for Mom.

I like the idea of getting away while sister visits. No ask just say, while your here I am going to visit my grands or whatever.

Outside your home, where you have settled your mother for her safety and wellbeing, and at any time other than this particular day, you can say and do whatever you like about your sister whether in person or in effigy. That's between you and your sister.

But this here particular decision - should you let your sister visit your mother where your mother lives on Mother's Day - is ONLY about what's good for your mother. Will your mother enjoy seeing her other daughter, even if a only little bit, even if only in the moment? Unless it's a definite negative, for reasons which you haven't yet mentioned, then you must allow your sister to visit and if possible make her tolerably welcome. Or at least not put laxatives in her tea.

I tend to agree with cwillie. I understand your resentment but would your mom enjoy a visit from her other daughter? Don't punish your mom for how you feel about your sister. Encouraging your sister to visit on Mother's Day is not a favor to your sister, it's for your mom.

Karin,

Just curious, does your sister know how you feel? Have you told her you miss your grandchildren and need support? If so, how does she respond?

I didn't go into this resenting my siblings. Before any of us knew there was a dementia issue they knew full well that our mother is a huge challenge to be around. They both made it clear they "couldn't do it" and since I was early retired (from nursing too) it just kind of fell on my lap. I really hated that the retirement we worked hard for got hijacked but I didn't blame them.

Then my mom got here, the dementia became obvious and that is when they really backed away. They know our mother is struggling, they know I am struggling. But I haven't heard from either one in four months.

Now I am resentful. Hurt mostly. I too miss my adult son who I have not been able to visit. Meanwhile their lives go on as normal. I wish I had sage advice here but I don't. I do have plenty of empathy.

Maybe tell your sister the truth? You are burned out. You need to see your kids and grandchildren. If she offers nothing then imo you are justified in not being around her if it's going to cause you ANY stress whatsoever. Don't be there when she visits your mom. Inform her you will have other plans.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I do get it. If you ever want to talk or vent feel free to message me.

How long will she be "visiting"
Can you quickly leave and say you have an appointment as she is walking in so the day of care-giving will be all her? Even better if the visit is "extended" due to a car breakdown..or the train was delayed...or some other reason that you are going to be LATE..
Alternate to this would be have sis take her on an outing and when they get back you are gone and door is locked so she has to keep mom occupied a bit longer.
Does your Mother have any income that can be used to pay for ..pick 1..or more
Longer hours of caregiver
Adult Day Care
Memory Care facility
a week or two of Respite?

I should also ask how well does Mom do with the visits? Does she get agitated after, is she more confused? If so it might not be a good idea for sis to visit if you are not there to control the situation and keep the visit short. Like no more than 30 minutes. It is possible that if sis knows visit will be max of 30 minutes she may not even bother to visit.

It might be time to discuss placing Mom in a Memory Care facility so that will take burden from you so you can enjoy the visit with Mom and not have to worry about her peeing in a shoe, pooping in a garbage can. (gotta say that is better than many other places she could have gone) And if that means application for Medicaid then that is what has to be done. But you need a life as well and your children and grand children are priority.

I'd like to point out that we all have choices. Your sister chooses to visit mom 3-4 times a year. You chose not to visit your grandchildren as much as you like. Whoa, that's not a choice, you say. Your alternatives for seeing the grands (or not) are staying with mom, hiring help in your home while you go, or hiring help at a facility who can handle her while you go. Those are choices even if you don't like the options.

The private caregivers do not work for out-of-town; I get that. But you chose to not try the facility for whatever reason. It's not killing people or there would not be any living there. It's just not optimal. But it's also not optimal for two people (you & mom) to cease to live full lives instead of just one...just your mom. I really encourage you to try respite service for two weeks and visit the grandkids. Mom will get over it and probably forget you left. Those days with grandbabies are short and will last the children 70 years. Blessings.

Karin,
I have 4 living siblings who have chose not to be a part of my parents life, since I moved them with me. I have a brother who has told my Mom he will be stopping by to see her on his way traveling through. I feel all kinds of ugly things about this, which I would never say to my Mom. She loves her children whether they love her back or not. So, she is excited about his visit. I am sick about it because now I just hope he actually shows up, its been years since she has seen him(his choice). I would like to say all kind of things to him, my human does not want him in my home. But, I would never not allow anyone to see my Mom, if she wants to see them. If we hold on to these resentful feelings it just promotes illness in us. While as a previous poster said, they do not feel guilty. So, allow your Mom her visit with her daughter. Unless your Mom doesn't want to see her. But either disappear for a while, or stay and be civil. But do not let resentment fester into bitterness and hatred. It is so not worth it.
May God bless. Hope you find peace.

Karin, that's great you have found an aid. Here's to a happier future for you.

You can't change people that have entitlement issues but you can minimize contact.

I think when people don't help they don't get a say, so if you have plans for a lovely mother's day for you and mom, go enjoy and let sister plan a different day. You have all the power and don't need to let your none to bright sister wreak havoc on your peace.

Re going out while your sister visits
NO ADVANCED NOTICE

The mother has a right to contact with her children. The OP does not like her sister, resents her selfishness, does not want her in her house - all of which I can fully sympathise with. But these two points need to be reconciled somehow; and refusing to allow the sister to visit the mother won't cut it; and sabotaging the visit is counterproductive at best.

The OP isn't busy on Mother's Day, she hasn't made alternative arrangements, she just doesn't want to see her sister's smug fat face on that day or any other - Mother's Day isn't the point. It's how to enable visits to the mother without the OP wanting to smash her sister's head in, that's the issue.

And ideally, make it work *well* so that the mother has a nice time and the sister is encouraged to do more, more often.

Karin,

I feel for you. I have been caring for my mom since 2005. My brothers don’t help, never have. I hosted large holiday meals for many years. Last year I said to my mother that I was stopping the big holiday meal thing and I felt so liberated! My mom got upset for a short time but amazingly said that she understood how I felt. That was a nice surprise and a relief. I still cooked, but just for my kids, husband, mom and me.

What hurts is that everything is expected from the full time caregiver. Also the criticism from them can really get under my skin. Having said that, truly futile to try and resolve any issues with them, so I stopped trying for my own sanity. I used to think I had to say something just to get it off of my chest, only to feel miserable afterwards by their selfishness and stupidity.

Now, I pretend that I am an only child. My mom has multiple children but I look at myself as an only child, get it?

My siblings don’t visit on a regular basis either, just for a short while once in a blue moon. They have always been off doing their own thing, living their own lives and not having time for family. They aren’t even close to their own kids. I got tired of trying to figure it out or fix it. I like the expression, “Can’t fix stupid!”

I wish you well. You are welcome to pm me if you need to vent. I know how hard you work caring for mom. I am in the same boat. I am not made of money either so I get that it isn’t practical to spend a ton of money. So hard. It’s all so hard. They say every cloud has a silver lining. Sometimes I think that is true. Other times, I say it’s hogwash!

As soon as your sister arrives, grab your purse and car keys and head out. You might want to check in every little bit, just to make sure sister has not left your mom alone. Sister will either figure out she needs to help or will never visit again. Either way, you win. Also, check with you county/state Commission on Aging for help - respite help is available, please take advantage of it.

Our lawyer told me I could meet at a restaurant for her awful children to visit but I found a facility that does respite and day care. I put my mother there when the others came to visit. I had been too traumatized by them and didn't want to see them and don't have to. Easy fix and it spends their inheritance.

Welcome to the "I have a do nothing sibling" club. If you tell her she can't visit, what will be the fallout for you and for your mom? It's hard to decide whether you both will be better off with refusing a visit. Someone suggested you leave during the visit. Maybe a neighbor will let you stay at their house while she visits or you sit in the car down the road. This way you don't have to be there, but you can see if she takes off leaving mom alone. See if your health insurance will make seeing a psychologist possible. I suggest it as a help for dealing with the anger/frustration before it harms you. Been there, done that. I sure hope the dog doesn't think he get a free pass to poop anywhere now that a human is doing it.

Karin, white vinegar straight on the carpet will kill the enzymes that cause the smell, i have used it on my carpet for years, not too many times, but no ill effects and once the vinegar dries, no odor.

This is entirely possible that she has peed where the urge struck, she may have also hid soiled clothing. Gives PD a new meaning, instead of private detective, pee detective.

I want to say, it is okay to put a load down that has become to heavy.

Karin, hugs to you. I honestly have been here and I can't overstate how strongly I sympathise with your feelings.

I have no contact with my three siblings at all now - I mean, I will not willingly ever find myself in the same location as any of them again - so I can't exactly cite myself as a "good" example; just one who has been through this to the end.

I haven't asked before and should have because it matters: what, if anything, does your mother say about her other two children?

I suggest telling your sister she can visit with her mother to give you respite but they will not be supervised visits in your home. Her visits need to give you a break.

Can you take her to your sisters to visit instead of your sister coming to you? Let her know it's gonna be an overnight or weekend visit. Then DON'T answer your phone. If necessary, don't even call first (for a day visit), just show up and then find an excuse to run to the store while she takes care of mom. And get that blue light that shows you where the pee is. I'm pretty sure Amazon has them.

I felt a similar way when I was caring for my Mom. Then my brother died. Just so you can look yourself in the mirror, for Mom's sake, I'd grin and bear it. But I would seriously find a way to see my grandchildren! They are your future!

PLEASE READ —-i understand your heartbreak first hand. I cared for Dad after his massive stroke, and Mom for the years that she lived without him after he died. It was heart-wrenching and back-breaking. Nevertheless, i would give everything just for ten minutes with either or both of them. Now they are both gone. I miss them immensely. Even in their end-of-life, struggling moments.

My siblings did not help or care. They could not “emotionally handle “ seeing Mom and Dad in a sickened state. They rarely visited. My parents knew they wouldn’t. My parents knew them well.

My parents had, unbeknownst to me, written several of my siblings out of their wills. (There were still plenty of people left in).

i have been sued by the ones who were written out. They alleged that I “isolated” my parents and refused visitors— in attempt to gain control over my parents. Fortunately, I never did that. Fortunately I have photos of visitors, family events that I took my parents to, etc. even when I brought my parents To Them!

You may say, “but my parents don’t have anything to leave, but my siblings wouldn’t do this, but I’m best friends with that sister,” etc. you may say all the things I would have said.

Take care. You are not alone. Love every moment with your Mom. They are fleeting.

I don’t blame my parents. What they did was awesome! It has, however been very disappointing to endure.

Karin
you have every right who you allow into your home. I have a sneaking feeling you haven’t ever come clean and confronted your sister with your feelings and yes anger. Have you? If not you need to. An undercurrent of unspoken resentment and bitterness isn’t hurting her...it’s damaging you.
Here are two things you stated: "My sister isn’t doing it for my mother, she’s doing it for herself. She can pick my mom up and take her somewhere for lunch. I don’t want her around me." Fine..that's the so,Union then. And then later you went on to say you’d take your sister into your home if she became ill. And you asked WTF is wrong with you (quote)? deep inside you know this isn’t rational.
Tell her how you feel and get it out there. If you can’t do it alone..get an objective third party involved. You might be surprised how much better you will feel.
I have two sisters who live far away and travel here is expensive. Unrealistic, but at times I resented them for it. Realistically I knew it wasn’t something they could help. I think part of it is we think we should be like the Waltons. Everyone being a together family pitching in. Not reality is it? So I look at what am I gaining from this that they aren’t?
Another issue to help you with the resentment is to find ways for a life of your own...it can be done. Find a caregiver that can come in a few times a week so you can feel that you aren’t attached to mom as another appendage.
Please let us know if you have an honest talk with sis.

What would your Mum like? With only a few visits a year to see her child are you going to stop a visit! We have to look from the outside and although I can see and hear your desperation and frustration, which I have had with my brother, you have to let her see her Mum whatever you may think. She will have her reasons why she isn't helping out or visiting just as my husband wouldn't visit his Dad who had MS until the very last moment. He said he couldn't bare seeing him an invalid. Let her go, take some photos, be with your sister, make your Mum happy seeing you both together. Give your sis a big hug and say you love her, more will return to you than you think.

The fact is some people care more than others. I understand how you feel but instead of being resentful when your sister comes to visit your mother take the opportunity to plan some “me” time. Let your sister know that you appreciate her coming to spend time with mom while you take some “me” time. Take the time for a movie or dinner with someone. If she makes excuses then simply tell her you would not be available and she can call and speak with mom.

Karin
Why is your mom living with you instead of Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility? Not casting stones, just asking.