Should I refuse to let my sister visit OUR elderly mother in my home for her semiannual feel better day?

Unless there is a deleterious effect on your mom, or a dysfunctional aspect, like sis is a klepto, I would advise that you take the high road and let sister visit. Make sure she is well instructed to care for mom and as soon as she arrives, you go get a massage, manicure or whatever makes you feel better and more relaxed. In fact, insist that she stay for a few days in order to give you respite. Use her. My sister never came to visit. For years. As much as I would have been angry with her for her negligence, I would not deny mom and dad that little bit of time she gave if she came to visit. Alas, she never did. Some people are just plain selfish and for them, I only wish a special place in hell. I know you are hurt because it isn't just about your mom as you have given over your life right now to care for mom. Frankly, she's not thinking about you; she just wants to visit with mom. But if you are invested in the care of your mom, you need to allow your sister to visit. Do have a sit down with her to explain your mother's needs and ask her how she will help with those needs. If she isn't hands on and she doesn't have discretionary income, put her to work seeking out forms of assistance that your mom may qualify for....think adult day care or in-home community care (some of that allows a little more income than Medicaid.) Try not to make your request a yes or no question..but instead frame your questions as a choice of one thing or another.

Similar situation here. This may not be a popular response. But I think do what's in the best interest of your Mom. It's not easy to do...but put yourself to the side for a minute. I laugh as I say that, because it's so difficult to do when you have non involved family as is my situation. Resentments are no good either. People are who they are. Sometimes we have to just accept that, even though that's a tough one. And this is unnecessary, but an hour for Thanksgiving? Woo hoo. Go sister. Sorry, I try to think positively, but I get that too..  Ridiculous what people do to make themselves feel better.

Is there any way that your mom can go to Assisted Living or Memory Care?
What if you give your sister an ultimatum and follow through with it? You can give her time to get our together but this burden needs to be shared.

You know better than anyone whether your sister's inevitably short visit will be beneficial or hurtful to your mom. You are the person taking care of her everyday. If mom is asking to see her and it would hurt if she doesn't visit, it may help lift mom's spirits. But if your sister breezes in and only causes a raucous, then feel free to eliminate worry from your already heavy shoulders.

I, too, have a less than helpful sibling. The only thing I have ever asked of her is for her to call her mother. Just call. "But I can't deal with her". Well, I get to "deal" with her all the time. Suck it up, Buttercup.

My mother would love to see her daughter. If she really wanted to visit, even for a few hours, I would allow it. But only because it would help my mother and make her happy. If the negatives outweighed the positives, there is no way I would allow it.

Like I said, you know your mom best. You know what she needs. You know what to expect from dear ole sis. Maybe fenagle a 2-3 hour respite for yourself and do something for you. But I think you know to not expect anything significant from your sis. You can always try, but I get the feeling she's like my sister and always has an excuse. My sister says "I'm a single mom. I don't have time". Please. Three of her kids are graduated from HS and out of her house. The fourth lives with her father full time, not with her. Yes. She is single, and she is a mother. But she is not a "single mother" in the misleading way that she intends to give...that she has children at home needing her attention.

All this talk about "choice" here leaves me nauseated. It must come from pop-psychology literature. Caring for one's mother, with one's time or money, is not a choice except in some perverted, bizarro world where selfishness is considered a virtue. Every mention of "choice" in these posts reminds me that some people were put on this earth to push others aside. Most people who care for parents 24/7 are not rich enough to afford overpriced institutional ripoffs with their glamorous brochures and slick sales offices.  It's ironic they should be accused of "playing the martyr" for daring to speak at all. Where I hear a soft plaint, others hear a brash brass band, the very others who relish their selfish lives and selfish choices. Those who "choose" to not be there or put in money to relieve their siblings with occasional in-home care are the same people who mistreat others in other aspects of their lives. They are not worth our attention or respect. Their "choice" may not bring on divine justice but is contemptible regardless. I say bless those who not only care but show it with time or money. The rest can just go to hell.

I think you should decide what's best for your mom and YOU. You count, too since you're doing all the work and have all of the responsibility. My mom is doing okay, but she needs meal, house cleaning, transportation and errands help. I have three brothers, two of whom are completely useless. Brother #2 has her over for dinner once in a while on the Saturday (I go home most weekends). I had to put my foot down with brother #1 (criticizing and complaining), and will do so with the other one (brother #3) if he has the nerve to show up while I am there. He only comes over when I am at work as he knows what will occur if he and I tangle. He wants money and a place to stay, since wife kicked him out. Not going to happen. Who asks their 85 year old mother for money and a place to stay?

I'm done with considering everyone else's opinions, feelings, whatever. Since I do the majority of the caregiving, then I do the majority of the decision-making if that is necessary. My mother has a history of difficulty saying "no" to brother #3. That has ended. I don't like him and I won't put up with any nonsense from him.

My two cents.

Make a copy of this letter, and send it to your sister. Or better yet, see if you can find a family mediator, or an elder care mediator who gets families together to discuss co-caring and build empathy for one another. Most likely, you've been the organized and diligent one and are just not seen as vulnerable or overwhelmed, after all you could handle a prison no? What exactly is her financial situation? Does she have an alcoholic husband draining her ? What goes on in her home, albeit none of your business could shed a lot of light on why she is being such a "minimalist" visitor, also, you having been a nurse, you might actually contributing to this distance, as she might feel unqualified, perhaps, and feels ashamed to come over perhaps she was criticized about how she changed a diaper once (fictitious example) start with sharing with her, via showing. Beg her to come over more often and tell her how it feels to be you.. even though just telling her all that you do, in a day isn't as good as showing her. I like the way you were open enough to tell us that you cried for 2 months. That you haven't visited other family etc. However, you might be too caught up in childhood dynamics to be straight up and not feel "guilty" about asking her for more time. I really think no one will ever begrudge how much you do for your parent, yet, there is always a lot of room for improvement in your own care for you and your own grandkids. What would it be like, letting go of the reins, perhaps? If she is not married, then she may need to be contributing to the cost for yet two more days a week, move closer to you, or some such arrangement where you are out of your house, or home alone to do your own relaxing. What about your vacation time, what if you needed to go away for a whole month? I find that codependents and nurses have a lot in common and maybe just maybe, being upfront in a diplomatic way might work out in ways you could not now imagine. I wish you well, and a good outcome. Please take care of yourself. All the best.

Is it possible that this "supposed" visit of sister will be a real eye opener for her? Maybe she has no clue as to the fact that mom pees in her shoes and poops in a trash can. I don't know if it will be a "Ah ha" moment for her. Honestly, if it isn't she must as quite self serving as you describe. However, all that aside, it is imperative that you get respite, else you'll fall faint and ill. Perhaps this isn't the right bible scripture for you at this time, but you need the Lord, thy God to assist you. Praying for you. God bless you.

Isaiah 40:29-31
Yet those who wait for the LORD Will gain new strength; They will mount up with wings like eagles, They will run and not get tired, They will walk and not become weary. He gives strength to the weary, And to him who lacks might He increases power. Though youths grow weary and tired, And vigorous young men stumble badly,

I understand your concern.....On the other hand, smoldering resentments are a vicious master....You only hurt yourself.  Resentments never accomplish anything except keeping the resentful one miserable..

Some problems are unfair but there seems to be no remedy.

I urge you to take the high road. 

You are the noble one.  Let God sort it out in His time.

Grace + Peace,

Old Bob

Refusing to let your sister see her mother isn’t a good look. If things go from bad to worse, it could make you look in the wrong. Think of ways that it can happen without annoying you. And if possible, ways that it can work in your favour by letting your sister see reality and by giving you a break. Protect your reputation and your self image as the person doing the right thing. Best wishes.

i hope you don’t think I’m speaking out of turn, but you sound so very close to burning out. You remind me very much of how I was a few years ago. I’m an only so didn’t have selfish siblings but I was so very angry at Mum’s siblings/my cousins/friends- all the people who left me to struggle on while they got on with their lives. I had a meltdown when someone (primary care nurse) dared to ask if I worked. I realise now she was asking how I was managing to work. But at the time it felt as though everything and everyone was against me. They weren’t.
Are you sure the problem is your sister and not that this caregiver role is too much?

Time to look into a nursing home....take care of yourself

Karin, you asked about some of the more antagonistic replies, why would people come on to a support forum to tear others down?

Why? Because what you see depends on where you stand. And some readers will be standing more in your sister's position than they are in yours. But they're still part of a comparable situation.

I have sometimes speculated about what my siblings would say about me. I do it less nowadays because I am pretty confident it would not be complimentary - tributes to my work and dedication, appreciation of my efforts to inform and include them? I think not - and it feels healthier to leave the rumination behind along with the siblings.

One day, you will be free to do that if you choose...

[aside: what is this point you make that if your sister ever needed you you would still take her in? This is an interesting complication. Why so?]

... but meanwhile, to repeat, this is only about your mother. You can, if you want to, make it a simple question: would mother like to see sister?

How you would cope with her presence is an issue, yes. But there are ways to get through it. You don't enjoy quite a lot of the tasks associated with your mother's wellbeing but you do them anyway. For her.

Rage does boil up, and simmer down, and boil up. Again, I sympathise, and I remember. Do you think your sister really knows how you are feeling right now? Have you considered actually telling her?

I think you might have more to lose than I did. All told I was quite glad to see the back of my lot, but I don't gather it's the same for you.

Karen, I feel so sorry for both you and your Mom. You are absolutely miserable w mtaking care of your Mom. You clearly don’t enjoy it. Your Mom deserves better and you deserve a life. You cannot change your sister but you can change your life. There are services available. Get more help. I don’t know if your mom has money. If she does, use it to build some breaks for yourself. I would spend every cent on her care. Your sister does not deserve an inheritance. If there is no money, there may be senior citizen activities at your center. My mom was able to have my grandma picked up for those...
Please do something to rectify your situation. You deserve a life.
Good luck!

I think you know the answer to this question, deep down.

Being mean spirited and withholding never makes us feel better, never makes us more. If you are angry with your sister, free both of you, and deal with it directly. Tell her, from your heart, how you feel. You will both be better for it.

Then, release yourself and your mother from this nightmare you are living, and put her in care, before someone gets hurt. This may sound harsh, but it sounds like you have learned from her all too well, how to be unhappy, and make others suffer as a consequence. What happens on the day that all goes too far?

My dear, it’s not a script you need to follow any longer than you choose to. Take back your joy. Choose happiness, and let your mother play out her own drama - that may be the best pay-back to those who have disappointed you, if that is really what you are after. More important though - I hope you can heal and find some peace. I wish you well in that.

Karinslife, I think your main problem isnt that u dont have time for yourself, but that u dont have the sister to share all of this, to support and help. Its like u exist, so she can live a careless life. Its the injustice thàt hurts u, especially if your mother cant see the difference between u and her.
Im planning to write a book called "my worst enemy is my sister" .
Yeah, right, my therapist tried to convince me that is not my sister's fault, its mine because I chose to take care of my mother, while I could ignore her too. I say, easy to say, very hard to do.

You know, if you just wanted to vent that you hate your sister and don't want her in your life you should have said that up front and not asked anyone's opinions, we already have whole threads devoted to sibling bashing so you are not alone. I haven't read the whole thread but I haven't seen any personal attacks or outright snark - I guess I just don't see how people offering simple differences of opinion is being cruel and hateful.

Karin, I am really sad to think you don't feel you're getting any support. Your situation jangles so many bells with me that I don't want to give up.

Okay. Should you refuse to let your sister visit your mother on this mother's day, coming up in just a couple of weeks.

Well, you can. Suppose you decided to, decided it's not happening, you're going to call and tell her not to come.

What would you say?

do what is right.

First of all, the sister should help but most likely never will.

Sometimes the kindest thing someone can do for another is to stay away from them. Karin’s sister is of no help to her or the mother.

If the mom mom does not request to see her and Karin does not want to see her, the kind thing for sis to do is to stay away.

If the mom does want to see her then Karen does not need to entertain her or provide her home. Sis can take her mom out somewhere.

Karin, I am in the same boat. Useless siblings. I get it. Hope it will get better for all of us. Take care and God bless.

I can relate a bit with your situation. My Mom does not live with me but I am her Caregiver. I do everything for her and also for my stepdad who passed away. No one ever said to me do you need any help. They barely visited my stepdad when he was ill and had to go to a nursing home. They hardly visit my MOM now that she is alone and I tend to feel guilty when I am not there. I would probably feel the same way about my sister as you feel. I don't have a sister any longer but I wish I did, she passed away at the age of 47. Grandchildren come once in a while.

Maybe when your sister comes to visit you need to leave and take a break. Maybe you can suggest to your sister that she needs to take part in the caregiving of your mom half the time she can stay with her.

You are amazing that you do what you do!

Karin, what have your conversations with your sister vis a vis nom's care been?

Did she agree with you that keeping her at home was the best idea? Was there a discussion beforehand about what support she'd give you?

You sound teed off and resentful of her. Does she know how you feel? I come from a family in which everyone is all polite but seething inside.

Seething is generally not good for you. Can you and sis talk about what YOUR needs are and how to get them met while you care for mom?

Hi, Karin,
It always seems that one sibling ends up doing everything--or almost everything. I am also the primary caretaker of my mother while my sister does nothing at all. It sounds like conversations with your sibling haven't been effective, either. The way I see it, a caretaker has to survive emotionally and physically the best way he or she can. You should answer to only yourself and your conscience. If that means you don't allow your sister to visit your parent in your home, then that is the way it is.
I'm sorry that you get no breaks from your mother, however. I haven't checked into it myself because my mom is in a retirement home, but someone told me that there are resources available for family caretakers so that you can catch a breath every so often.
You have my empathy, and I wish you the best of luck.

Well, YOU are doing what you feel is right. But your sister is not wrong for her beliefs. Each of you has a choice of what to do or not to do. So just because you decided to do this, does NOT make your sister the evil one. I would never do what you do, either. But, that is my choice.

I see you getting more and more angry as more responses come through. I totally get it. BUT there is some very good advice here, use it

scroll past the negatives and pious rejects ang focus on the good stuff. If you want to be angry and fed up then go and be angry and fed up. It’s nobody’s concern but yours if you want to tell your sister to bugg*r off then do it. You don’t need permission

i am from Australia and we have Dept Aged care, Vetrans Affairs, Anglicare, Salvos, local government, emergency carers respite and such. Do you have equivalent where you are. Are you, as a veteran entitled to support

i think this is more about you being at the end of your rope. Total burnout. Complete rage I think you need to contact aged care services and social services to find out what you and your mother are entitled to or pay someone to do it for you.

Forget about the sister and the brother. They are never going to come to the party. Let it go. As we say in Oz. Pi** them off

1. Can she go to daycare
2. Can you get in home help
3. Time for full time care? Or at least respite
4. Does your mother have financial resources to help
5. How much is your sanity worth

you are not alone. However if you don’t take some good advice and get some me time you are going to lose your mind

There are also people who like to wallow in self-pity. Remember you made the decision to take care of your mother. Just because you did that, you seem to feel everyone else should do that, and someone on this forum thinks Australia is the answer.

I am not only the daughter of a 93 y.o., I also work in this long term care business. Not sure where you live, but there are all sorts of assisted living and nursing facilities and memory care units. There is such a thing as getting on Medicaid and having help from medicaid long term care in a facility or in the person's home. For the veteran or veteran spouse, there is help from aid and attendance. There's all sorts of help available. Call the Area Agency on Aging... google it if you do not know where it is.

But know this, just because you make your decision, does not mean that a sibling has to make the same decision. Each has a right to his/her own decision and that does NOT make them bad people. "Just different strokes for different folks". What works for one does NOT work for all.

It works out right now with my mom in my home, but in the future, if she requires the same kind of care your mother does, I am not going to spend the rest of my life being resentful..... I will have her go to assisted living or memory care or nursing facility, whatever is needed to get her good care, and NOT feel guilty about it.

Getting all that weight off your shoulders sounds like it would be good for you as well. Let your mom go to a good facility and you be HAPPY. Happy that she will get the care she needs and you can visit your children and grandchildren, and have some life of your own. It sounds like you are just making everyone miserable because of YOUR choice.

Your sibling does not have to stay in your home, but definitely she should be allowed to see her mother. Why not? Because she doesn't do what you expect her to?

Anonymous 863524; Wow ! What a handful I hope your sister knows about these antics that u deal with ...its still not the same until you actually have to caregive 24 hours a day 7 days a week

Agreed, your sister needs to help out more. When she visits, can you leave the home so she has to stay with your mom for the day.
I have Health Care Proxy and POA over my dad. I live 1 1/2 hours away. My sister lives with my mom and dad and is the primary caretaker. We also have an aid that comes in 6 days a week for 5 hours a day. My sister works part time and when she is not working, she has to be involved with the aids care of my dad. She will not take a break. I have even suggested that when the aid is in the home and my sister is off, that she go sit at a coffee shop for a break. She refuses. When my sister refuses to take a break, there is little that can be done. She is not willing to take care of herself. Even when I visit, she runs around doing unnecessary stuff. I have tried to help in various ways but she will not take the help. I would be greatful if my sister left the home when I go for a visit.

I believe that you are enabling your sister. I suggest you sit down with her to talk about how to properly divide the caregiving for your mother. She needs to contribute to your mother's care. Communication goes a long way. You should be able to visit your grandchildren. It will be up to you to let your sister know that she needs to step.
Take care of yourself.

do the right thing.not for yourself and your sister,but for the lady that is the mother of both of you ladys. you might regeat it when your mother dies and you have denied your sister from seeing her mother.would you want to be denied the the same opportunity to see your mother before she passes away? good luck for your choice,because you will have to live with it.