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My mother is 83 and is exhausted caring for her 93 year old partner who is bed bound, refuses all help, doesn't count any opinion other than his own and isolates her. I'm very worried about her.

If he has children, please get them involved now.
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Didn't say anything about him having any immediate family, but if he does talk with them about helping to make other arrangements for his care.

On the other hand, if mom is complaining but will not let anyone help and does not want others involved or would not even consider facility placement, then she may not be ready to stop what she is doing. If that is the case, tell her when she is ready to change the situation to let you know.
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Reply to my2cents
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If your mom is mentally competent you, like many other people on this forum, are going to have to wait until the situation becomes a crisis before you can help.

You may want to start researching options for your mom should her health take a turn. Where could she go upon discharge from the hospital, for example. Is there independent living nearby? Maybe get on the waiting list. You could move her in there "Just until you feel better." or "Just until you don't need the aides/physical therapy/walker/whatever anymore." Get a plan for her lined up.

The day will come when she will need some care. When that happens, her partner will end up bed bound in an unoccupied home and his family or APS will have to step in and take over his care.

When (not if- when) she ends up with a hospital stay you will have an opportunity to get her out of her home and then her partner will have to be moved. Then, hopefully, you can convince her to sell her home and stay in the placement you found for her.

I would consult an attorney and see if there are any papers that could be set up to insure that her partner doesn't retain tenancy rights in the home. Maybe he'd be willing to waive any that he has now. It doesn't hurt to ask.

But at the end of the day you, like the rest of us, can only stand by and watch adults we love making decisions that really don't seem to be in their best interests. It's heartbreaking. However, you can't live her life for her.
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Reply to Alicew234
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I agree 100% with others who have suggested getting APS involved for an assessment at least. Im sorry your mom is going through this but maybe she feels trapped in that relationship. Doesnt sound like its a good one for her....
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Reply to cherokeegrrl54
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The decision to place your spouse or partner in care is *incredibly* difficult at the best of times. See JeanneGibbs for perhaps the only recorded example of somebody getting the balance exactly right, in advance; and even she wasn't happy to do it, obviously.

Tugging your mother one way while her elderly partner tugs her the other will just hurt her, and you will probably lose. You need to find a different way to change things.

Why is he bed-bound? What are his care needs?
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Reply to Countrymouse
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If the 93 yo partner is dictating your mother's life that means he probably has been manipulating her as long as they've been together. This did not begin recently and she may be so beaten down she does not realize there is another way of life or any route to leave. Your mother needs more than your help to understand what is going on. I would follow other responders suggestion to call APS and other services for advice/assistance for your mother.
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Reply to Daisy9
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Oh my, how does she feel about this situation? Since they are not married, what is driving her to stay? Who owns the home? Who's refusing the assistance? Is Area Agency on Aging involved? If he's bed bound, how is he able to isolate her? If I were in her shoes, I think I would start making moves to consider my own needs. I think she should get family,friends,agencies involved. I also would take her on a vacation and place him in respite care while she considers alternative arrangements. In my opinion, she should stop enabling his bad behavior. Being bed bound I don't think he is any position to refuse help.
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Reply to Peanuts56
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Does he have children? Get them involved Who is his POA? Take mom away on a special vacation or bring to your place for a week of rest and care. Call senior services to ask their advice of where he can be placed and move him out. tell mom he needs more care for his own good. She can visit every day.
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Reply to janlee
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I'm I'm so sorry you're having to witness this with your mom. I've been down this road myself. Unfortunately, unless you gain guardianship through court and there is no physical abuse to your mom, APS can do nothing. Does your mom's partner have children and would they be willing to work with you? If it were me, I would get guardianship of your mom.
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Reply to Kandrew
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What does she say when you suggest ideas?

What have you already suggested?

Are you local? Do you have siblings? Can the siblings talk to her together?
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Reply to CTTN55
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Get your own place get someone to help ease your mind get your life back do not get so busy doing for him and let life slip by know that you are love invite others over to help no one should be demanding
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Reply to vickic
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Report to the right people get some help just show love it will not come back void
Take time for yourself love yourself try to take walks ,get , call a pastor
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Reply to vickic
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This sounds like an APS situation - report vulnerable adults and at least get them on the radar.
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Reply to rovana
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Does your mother WANT to leave?

Call Adult Protective Services and tell them this story. Arrange to be there when they visit. Accompany your mother out of the house.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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katiekat2009 Jan 9, 2020
It's mom's house.
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The text was interestingly edited and much was left outI but you all guessed pretty close! However the bare facts are there..... she does his bidding even when it's against both their interests, cancelling the recently arranged (against his wishes) therapy sessions. If she disagrees with anything it's "you don't love me", when considering residential care it was "you're throwing me out on the street". He has no legal right to live in her unsuitable house but he's not going to leave and unfortunately, she is a zombie.
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Reply to meeg84
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So sad. She needs help herself. Too much responsibility for her to be a caregiver to him. I hope you can help find a solution to get her out of this tough situation.
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Reply to NeedHelpWithMom
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Because he has probably been controlling their whole relationship and its the norm for her. He is probably also the bread winner. Hard to leave at 83 years old. This woman was born in the mid 30s. Things for a woman in the 40s and 50s were different. Even me being raised in the 60s it was felt I would graduate, work for a while, marry, have kids and be a stay at home Mom. No, it didn't work that way. I found myself divorced at 30 with a toddler. I had to find a job and a place to live. In the long run, best thing that happened to me. I have told the story before where my parents were approaching 80 and Dad had been on SSD for 25 yrs. Mom waited on him hand and foot. She asked him one day when was she going to retire, Dad said never and he meant it. Mom said "when you take those vows for better or worse they don't tell you worse is when your both old and you don't feel like putting up with their sh*t anymore".

Meeg, since you said partner, I guess its not ur father and they aren't married. If not married, she has no legal obligation to him, maybe just a moral one. Does she have her own income? If so, she could leave. There are senior appts that charge rent on scale. She could get help with utilities and food. Before she does that, I would call in APS that there are 2 vulnerable adults. One is bedridden and the other cannot care for him. They will investigate but make them realize that without help, your Mom can't stay. So, if he refuses help, he will be on his own.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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How on earth is an 83 year old woman caring for a bed-bound individual??? I don't understand......? How is he toileting? How is she physically able to move him? And how is he 'isolating' her when he can't get out of bed?
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Reply to lealonnie1
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rovana Jan 7, 2020
Emotional manipulation? False guilt?
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