My mother is 83 and is exhausted caring for her 93 year old partner who is bed bound, refuses all help, doesn't count any opinion other than his own and isolates her. I'm very worried about her.
Because he has probably been controlling their whole relationship and its the norm for her. He is probably also the bread winner. Hard to leave at 83 years old. This woman was born in the mid 30s. Things for a woman in the 40s and 50s were different. Even me being raised in the 60s it was felt I would graduate, work for a while, marry, have kids and be a stay at home Mom. No, it didn't work that way. I found myself divorced at 30 with a toddler. I had to find a job and a place to live. In the long run, best thing that happened to me. I have told the story before where my parents were approaching 80 and Dad had been on SSD for 25 yrs. Mom waited on him hand and foot. She asked him one day when was she going to retire, Dad said never and he meant it. Mom said "when you take those vows for better or worse they don't tell you worse is when your both old and you don't feel like putting up with their sh*t anymore".
Meeg, since you said partner, I guess its not ur father and they aren't married. If not married, she has no legal obligation to him, maybe just a moral one. Does she have her own income? If so, she could leave. There are senior appts that charge rent on scale. She could get help with utilities and food. Before she does that, I would call in APS that there are 2 vulnerable adults. One is bedridden and the other cannot care for him. They will investigate but make them realize that without help, your Mom can't stay. So, if he refuses help, he will be on his own.
How on earth is an 83 year old woman caring for a bed-bound individual??? I don't understand......? How is he toileting? How is she physically able to move him? And how is he 'isolating' her when he can't get out of bed?
The text was interestingly edited and much was left outI but you all guessed pretty close! However the bare facts are there..... she does his bidding even when it's against both their interests, cancelling the recently arranged (against his wishes) therapy sessions. If she disagrees with anything it's "you don't love me", when considering residential care it was "you're throwing me out on the street". He has no legal right to live in her unsuitable house but he's not going to leave and unfortunately, she is a zombie.
If the 93 yo partner is dictating your mother's life that means he probably has been manipulating her as long as they've been together. This did not begin recently and she may be so beaten down she does not realize there is another way of life or any route to leave. Your mother needs more than your help to understand what is going on. I would follow other responders suggestion to call APS and other services for advice/assistance for your mother.
So sad. She needs help herself. Too much responsibility for her to be a caregiver to him. I hope you can help find a solution to get her out of this tough situation.
Get your own place get someone to help ease your mind get your life back do not get so busy doing for him and let life slip by know that you are love invite others over to help no one should be demanding
Didn't say anything about him having any immediate family, but if he does talk with them about helping to make other arrangements for his care.
On the other hand, if mom is complaining but will not let anyone help and does not want others involved or would not even consider facility placement, then she may not be ready to stop what she is doing. If that is the case, tell her when she is ready to change the situation to let you know.
Meeg, since you said partner, I guess its not ur father and they aren't married. If not married, she has no legal obligation to him, maybe just a moral one. Does she have her own income? If so, she could leave. There are senior appts that charge rent on scale. She could get help with utilities and food. Before she does that, I would call in APS that there are 2 vulnerable adults. One is bedridden and the other cannot care for him. They will investigate but make them realize that without help, your Mom can't stay. So, if he refuses help, he will be on his own.
Call Adult Protective Services and tell them this story. Arrange to be there when they visit. Accompany your mother out of the house.
On the other hand, if mom is complaining but will not let anyone help and does not want others involved or would not even consider facility placement, then she may not be ready to stop what she is doing. If that is the case, tell her when she is ready to change the situation to let you know.
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