Breaking the bonds of dysfunction...encouragement? Experience with setting boundaries?

Update: The interview was successful but I declined the position. After some soul searching, I decided to stay the course and care for my father. It’s important to me to see this journey through to the end. We did do a very detailed caregiver agreement so I will be paid for all that I do. Of course that was a relief to me but it was also comforting to dad, knowing that he is taking care of me as I am helping him. I also discussed respite with hospice. It’s not scheduled but they tell me they can do it with only a few days notice. I may or may not use it, but it gives me a short term escape route if I feel overwhelmed. As far as my siblings, I’m keeping it cordial for my father’s sake, but I feel emotionally ready to stand up for myself if necessary. The worst bully sister actually visited today. Despite the fact that my father has had an awful week and not feeling well, she carried on about all of her problems. He stood up and told her he “didn’t really give a sh*t,” and escorted her out to the driveway. He’s not confrontational so I was honestly surprised. I really would like for everyone to get along and work together but that has never been my family so it doesn’t make sense to have any expectations or hopes for that now. Maybe it’s wrong of me but I actually appreciated that he finally seemed to recognize her for who she truly is. At the same time, it saddens me. I don’t believe he has much longer and I don’t want his last days or weeks or months to be muddled with discourse. *Sigh* I realize I didn’t create this dysfunction and I also recognize that I can’t fix it.

Anyway, thank you to everyone for the information and your overwhelming support. Despite my years of caregiving, I had never heard of a caregiver agreement. That was a big deal for me. I will always be grateful I found this site. I only wish I had found it sooner!

I was at that place a month ago. This forum helped me see that the more I do the more I am expected to do. I made myself very ill trying to do everything while my sisters 'praised me" and did nothing but cause problems.

Tell everyone what you will do and what you will not do. Stick to it. If more is needed you may need to start telling family members that it is their turn. We made up a rotating family schedule every week until mom entered an assisted living facility. It is not easy to maintain it for a long time, but it helped me in the short term.

I did tell my mom to move in with my brother. You have to follow your own conviction. In the end it’s important not to go down with a sinking ship.

There is only so much we can sacrifice and insults from siblings make it so much harder. A parent that doesn’t defend the child who has done everything for them really stinks. Yeah, I lived it too. I feel your pain. It’s very hard.

I wish you the very best with your job interview.

Good luck on your job interview. I was a solo out of state caregiver to my mother as she refused to leave her home, making me move 7 states from my home.

Plymouth,
i feel your pain and anguish. My 90 father just entered in home hospice for congestive heart failure. My mother 89 is his main caregiver along with a few hours a day of healthaides. They live with my brother who buries his head regarding medical issues. Everyone is out to take advantage of them. He will make meals, move things but has no idea about medical condition. I live an hour and a half away and have 24/7 MIL at my home. Monday/Tuesday I spend with my parents and brother. My brother is getting more negative lashing out at me one minute, making fun of me or how bad a person I am. But, he then will say he loves me and appreciates all I do for our dad. It’s like walking on eggshells around him. My parents just don’t want the family to break up. I try to keep a neutral, positive attitude and I watch what I say around my brother so he doesn’t blow up. Everybody deals with emotional situations differently - I keep reminding myself of this. However, it doesn’t make it any easier when he goes off. Hang in there!

Sorry your siblings are not supportive of you. Your parent is at the point of needing support and probably can't be supportive of you. It seems you are going to handle caring for your parent alone. Good for you that you realize you need to care for yourself as well.

I really love the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. They give practical, positive steps for dealing with toxic behavior. I recommend reading it a couple of times through. Most times, it will take becoming part of a therapy group to support you in your steps away from co-dependency. Check substance abuse groups if this is part of the problem. I know that our church has several "breakthrough groups" managed through our counselling center and I figure many other larger churches have something similar.

My family is toxic too. My dad is an aging alcoholic in Wisconsin that is in and out of jail. We moved my mom closer to us... visiting frequently and prepping for the time she will need to move in with us. I have 2 sisters. I sister has said they cannot care for my mom since they are in too much debt. My other sister tells me "it's all on me" even though she has a terrific job and no in-laws to care for. I know I can't make people care or help. I can only do what God has placed on my heart and my abilities can accomplish. Even so, I know that I need to care for myself and my family. So, I too am going back to work... to secure a retirement for myself.

So Plymouth, you mentioned in a reply that your dad asked you to move in and take care of him when the business you worked at closed......did you two prepare a caregiver agreement, stating what you will and wont do, days/time off and pay arrangement??? You cant do this for free....nor should you! This just disturbs me that your dad and sisters think you should do all of the household, yardwork and caregiving for no pay. And with no time away. Please establish some boundaries and tell them in writing what you will/wont do and if they dont step up, then dad can hire outside help. Because you will have a new job to start!!!! Best wishes in standing your ground with these bullies!!!

Can you start by having DAD hire a gardener to relieve a few of your duties as you go to work?

I’m hoping you interviewed for your job as sole caregiver, were fully informed concerning your responsibilities, given a full overview of provision for relief time/vacations, and were able to negotiate the salary, benefits, and overtime compensation, right?

”Break away” is much too stressful to impose on yourself. Schedule a time, pack your bag, and walk.

So good you have posted this situation ... not only do I find myself in U but it is just been this week I have seen the LIGHT My caregiving sent me to the hospital twice ....Everyone was very concerned for my health but nothing changed including me! Yet I just got up and kept doing and doing ....suddenly like a light switch I found myself screaming WHAT ABOUT ME!
So I totally get where you are ...u know that you want to do for others ...if that’s what we do; we better do for ourselves. Turn to yourself ...I think when we start feeling better the guilt will subside and there will be more to give🙏

Best of luck to you girl....find ur peace and joy the rest will follow.
Thank you and the people here for helping out with; support and words,

Good to hear you are beginning to take care of YOU!! Sometimes our “family” can be so nasty it leaves us shaking our head and saying who are these people?!?!
Youve given enough time and energy on caretaking for so long. Walk away if u have to and let your twisted sisters and dad realize you will no longer be bullied into submission!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
I understand how bad situations like this hurt, you give and give, and get treated like 💩. Well, no more! Hold your head high! You got this Plymouth!!!!

You say you have been caring for family members for 10 years but I am not clear now exactly who you care for and in what way. Are you living in the home of an elder who needs 24/7 care due to dementia? Or can you tell me what duties you do and for whom?
You have a whole lot of insight. That is to say you know what is happening, and you use the correct terminology. Moreover you are job interviewing, so I am one here to say congratulations. You know what you need to do to move forward to a good luck and it seems you are DOING it a step at a time.
You asked for help. You were told no, and anything that came after the know that was personal attacks was their way of rationalizing their own laziness. I suspect you know THAT, as well.
I hope you will update us as you move forward. You are taking the steps and it's my belief that your note to us here is a way of asking permission of the world for what you already understand you MUST do, no matter how hard it is. I congratulate you. I wish you good luck. I find your insight and honesty quite amazing. I hope you'll get that job, and if not , the another. And I think you will be a VALUABLE employee.

It sounds like you have taken the first step towards creating boundaries and caring for you. As another person wrote, we do teach people how to treat us. I just recently have stopped contact with my verbally abusive mother. She is safe in a care facility now and I will no longer be her punching bag. It took me a long time to get to this place of deciding it was ok to take care of me. I think a lot of the struggle for me was feeling, for most of my life, that I was’t a good person (who taught me that?) so I was trying to redeem myself by being the devoted daughter. Once I was able to see that I am a good person, I don’t need deliverance from evil and I don’t need to subject myself to abuse in order to feel good about myself, it all changed. Mom is being cared for and I am free to take care of me.

Good luck on the job interview!!! Focus on finding companies you want to work for and interviewing. Focus on building resiliency so that your dad and siblings cannot leave you feeling heartbroken. Your dad is weak; your siblings are bullies (and a$$holes). That's their problem. You do you, Plymouth. Be the rock you know you were meant to be.

Best of luck with the job interview and congrats to you for taking a step toward changing things for yourself!
I had to back off some caregiving and leave it to others, it’s brought much resentment, but was sorely needed. We truly do teach others how to treat us, and too often accept what we shouldn’t. The biggest truth is that the only one we can change is ourselves. I wish you the best in making changes

This post and others like it make you think. I do not want to do this to my girls. I had my first child at 28. My second at 35. When I am 85 my girls will be in their 50s. Needing to work to support themselves. My DH and I have been able to put some money aside. If he goes before me, I definately will sell my house. I worked as a secretary for our local Visiting Nurses so I know what resources my County provides. I will take advantage of them.

I have an exfriend who whines all the time. But will not take advantage of the services in our County because...I think she feels she is too good for that. A mutual friend takes her to Dr appts but says she doesn't enjoy it. Does it because she feels sorry for her. I don't want people to do things for me because they feel sorry for me. I want them to want to be with me.

What a selfish family. Glad Dad heard. Now maybe he will appreciate you. And realize what selfish daughters he raised.

Think you have done ur share. The only thing I would question is Hospice. Where I live someone needs to be with the person receiving it 24/7. Aides and nurses only come about 3x a week. Will u hire aids for the time ur at work?

You have done your share. And, I would never care for anyone else unless it was my husband or one of my children. Let your siblings fend for themselves.

There was a member, who like you had been caring for someone for years. She was finally free when a family member said to her, now you can care for so and so. Yes, she said no. People just don't realize that you give up ur life to do it. That ur family suffers.

I do not talk to my mother, haven't for 8 years, I am under no obligation to care for her. My brother the Golden Boy has had to step in since I backed out, I have helped him behind the scenes, that is it.

You have a right to change your mind, and if this arrangement is not in your best interest, then do so. No one has the right to abuse you. Perhaps it is time to place your father in AL so that you can rebuild your life and cut the cord with the abusers.