I have been caring for family members for 10 years with no help from my siblings. In fact, my sisters have made it more difficult. I always knew my family was a mess but something about this process has brought the dysfunction to a nuclear melt down level. Last week I asked my siblings to commit to a few days a month to stay with dad so I could return to work. They all said absolutely not and proceeded to criticize me, my children, my looks, you name it. My father just sat there. I was (and am) heartbroken but realize that I have to pull myself together. I honestly just wanted to pack my things and leave...let them figure it out. But I also know that I obligated myself to this task and it’s my responsibility to figure it out. So today I have a job interview. No guarantee I’ll get it but it’s a huge step to caring for myself and breaking the codependent role I’ve unwittingly taken on from childhood.
Does anyone have experience breaking out of the roles they play in a toxic family? Advice? Wisdom?
You have a right to change your mind, and if this arrangement is not in your best interest, then do so. No one has the right to abuse you. Perhaps it is time to place your father in AL so that you can rebuild your life and cut the cord with the abusers.
Thank you for your advice. I know you’re right and I can exit if I choose but I want to try to make it work. Not sure if that’s indignation on my part or if it’s a fear of guilt and regret up the road, but it’s probably a bit of both. I’ve discussed options with hospice regarding potential respite and LTC placement. All options are on the table but I feel like I’ve been drowning and depressed for so long that I need to gain better footing to make a sound decision...if that makes sense.
I have an exfriend who whines all the time. But will not take advantage of the services in our County because...I think she feels she is too good for that. A mutual friend takes her to Dr appts but says she doesn't enjoy it. Does it because she feels sorry for her. I don't want people to do things for me because they feel sorry for me. I want them to want to be with me.
I had to back off some caregiving and leave it to others, it’s brought much resentment, but was sorely needed. We truly do teach others how to treat us, and too often accept what we shouldn’t. The biggest truth is that the only one we can change is ourselves. I wish you the best in making changes
You have a whole lot of insight. That is to say you know what is happening, and you use the correct terminology. Moreover you are job interviewing, so I am one here to say congratulations. You know what you need to do to move forward to a good luck and it seems you are DOING it a step at a time.
You asked for help. You were told no, and anything that came after the know that was personal attacks was their way of rationalizing their own laziness. I suspect you know THAT, as well.
I hope you will update us as you move forward. You are taking the steps and it's my belief that your note to us here is a way of asking permission of the world for what you already understand you MUST do, no matter how hard it is. I congratulate you. I wish you good luck. I find your insight and honesty quite amazing. I hope you'll get that job, and if not , the another. And I think you will be a VALUABLE employee.
Youve given enough time and energy on caretaking for so long. Walk away if u have to and let your twisted sisters and dad realize you will no longer be bullied into submission!!!! YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
I understand how bad situations like this hurt, you give and give, and get treated like 💩. Well, no more! Hold your head high! You got this Plymouth!!!!
”Break away” is much too stressful to impose on yourself. Schedule a time, pack your bag, and walk.
I really love the book "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. They give practical, positive steps for dealing with toxic behavior. I recommend reading it a couple of times through. Most times, it will take becoming part of a therapy group to support you in your steps away from co-dependency. Check substance abuse groups if this is part of the problem. I know that our church has several "breakthrough groups" managed through our counselling center and I figure many other larger churches have something similar.
My family is toxic too. My dad is an aging alcoholic in Wisconsin that is in and out of jail. We moved my mom closer to us... visiting frequently and prepping for the time she will need to move in with us. I have 2 sisters. I sister has said they cannot care for my mom since they are in too much debt. My other sister tells me "it's all on me" even though she has a terrific job and no in-laws to care for. I know I can't make people care or help. I can only do what God has placed on my heart and my abilities can accomplish. Even so, I know that I need to care for myself and my family. So, I too am going back to work... to secure a retirement for myself.