Should I get a job and visit less?

I have a lot of support from Senior Services and we are trying Alexa as a means to communicate with dementia patients. Some are still able to live at home with assistance, some are in assisted living, some are in nursing homes. Alexa can be a great source of entertainment. She reads short stories, plays music, games, answers questions and doesn't get angry when asked the same one 300 times a day! You can also "Drop In" which means you can talk to the person, you need one too for Drop In. Alexa has worked very well and has dropped the number of visits I make to the nursing home weekly. I was going almost everyday, but it took it's toll on me big time. Now I go 3 times a week and was able to start doing things for "Me" again. We are about to try a Video Alexa - so we can have live chats. The bottom line is Alexa is a great tool and entertaining for the dementia patients. You do have to do a little training. I posted easy to read notes for my brother and he does fine. I also "drop in" and remind him to ask Alexa to read him his book.
Good luck - take care of yourself - and utilize all support and avenues that can help you stay sane. It is not an easy roll.

Dear Els 1 el, I wondered the same thing while caring for my Mom for 4 years. Just ask yourself, will this make my life harder or easier? I have anxiety and I knew a job on top of everything else would push me over the edge. For others it might be healthy. Within a year of my Mom’s death I was able to start working part time at 60. I didn’t even realize that I had been bored. Prayers.

Dear ELS and Everyone who posted here,

Today is a day I go to visit my Mom. I feel ill and am dreading it. Am an only child and sole caregiver (except for my husband and daughter who valiantly tried to help for the year that Mom lived with us.)

Mom has been demanding, controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive throughout my life. She is difficult at the care home and it’s been a wild ride helping her and the caregiver adjust to anything that approaches tolerable.

I am learning that Mom’s “happiness” is never something I can control (even to protect myself from her abuse), and it is not humane to expect me to be responsible for it (or to be punished for the lack of it).

The anger, accusations and disappointment she directs at me are beyond hurtful. They are debilitating.

So, I’ve reset my priorities. It is more important that Mom be -
- Safe
- Healthy
- Well fed
- Clean
- Comfortable
- Have opportunities to socialize
- Retain as much of her personal dignity as possible
- Have contact with family as much as is possible without burdening or harming family

It is my responsibility to make sure that she has these things. and it is my choice to show her love in whatever ways I can.

But, anything that harms me physically or emotionally is no longer required - off-limits.

Watching Mom be abusive to my dear, kind daughter helped me to realize the her behavior was not to be tolerated. And, while I could not defend myself as a child, I certainly owe it to myself to do so as an adult.

I’m not really giving advice - I guess I’m just reminding myself of the things that will make today’s visit a little more bearable.

Best to all all of you. And, yes, let’s all remember to take care of ourselves.

By all means get a job & a Social life...my 91 yo mother w dementia gets so combative w hitting, choke me, punching, pulling my hair. She started a new thing...unbuckles her belt on her wheelchair & this morning fell out on the floor...I was in kitchen making her toast for breakfast & in 3 min came back to find her on the floor...called EMS to come pick her up & put her back in chair...& she tells them all right answers: her name, address, dob & who I am. So what is the health proxy I have worth? If I am primary caregiver & she is beating me up , & abuses me daily, I don’t have any rights or power if she has a lucid moment. Meanwhile every morning she don’t know me & asks me what is my name.

I'm the same age and chronically tired from managing my father's affairs/moving him into memory care. But I'm still over there every day checking on how he is doing because I've been doing it for so long, that it is strange and sad for me to let go. We keep trying to please our parents, don't we? I roller coaster between being satisfied with the place - they seem to care about him - and being upset about things I think they could do better. I don't know if my expectations were too high or they aren't living up to their original promises. Dad is safer than he was living alone but I don't know everything they are doing for/with him. The therapists stopped telling me when they were coming/came to work with him, only communicating with the nursing/PCA staff. Staff took him out of the building on a group excursion without telling me. The building had a gas leak/evacuation; no one mentioned it to me. I live within 1/2 hours drive and they have my home and cell phone numbers. Lately, I've been there when no one from the staff was there to look after the residents. They have only a handful of residents in the memory care and no regular activities (in memory care) besides meals. I think my father is bored when he isn't sleeping. They eat dinner around 4:30 pm and go to bed early to avoid sundowning. I suspect this is pretty standard. That said, I feel that I really need to start rebuilding my own life, as I have let his needs be of first priority for so long, that I am in danger of being totally lost when he eventually passes away. I do want to cherish the time we have together now, while he still recognizes me. Probably the easiest way to make new acquaintenances and start building a network would be to get a job, assuming I am still employable at 63 after my unintentional retirement.

I have a great idea....lets switch for 1 week...i am in San diego....i can tell you are English? I am in the same boat...only I am physically exhausted as well....i actually hurt after a visit. I am looking for a job...but inevitably every time I get one...something happens to them....of course I we can't really switch...but it would be nice.

I would perhaps visit just as often, just not very long each time. You need an outlet for your stress, because you are dealing with a very stressful situation. First, I would suggest that you exercise to work off some of that stress and perhaps improve your sleep. Then, yes, get a job that provides some flexibility, maybe part-time. Full-time might just be adding more stress than you need. Take care of yourself!

Please take care of yourself..... you have done so much for them and they are well taken care of. Think would be wise to get a job if you want to...burnout is life altering from all this. You can only do so much...my health suffered greatly from taking care of 3 elderly whom I loved very much, but it takes its toll and no one is taking care of you..... bless you for all you have done.... I hope you can do what is good for you and your needs and life... hugs....

It's time to take care of yourself. You must, else you will fall ill.

Whether it is exhaustion from doing what we do or guilt if we don't either way it is horribly exhausting. My mother AND my husband are both in a memory care facility - they both fell and broke their hip in June and dimentia progressed for both beyond allowing them to live at home. Hardest thing I ever did was admitting that I could not care for my husband safely at home, for either of us. Not only that but life would never be the same if I did. I tried and within 4 days I was exhausted, scared and worn out. I have horrible guilt, have a hard time coping with the situation but I am 65 and in good health so I'm trying to do the best thing for everyone involved. Mom has settled in and is secure, comfortable and well cared for. My husband is improving but his mind is not ever going to be the same because he has Lewey Body Dimentia/Parkinsons. It is a tough challenge and often mentally exhausting but life must go on. It isn't easy, but I work for the income so I can provide the best care possible and to give me an escape. Work is good therapy - and keeps you engaged with people which is therapy in itself.