Both parents in Care Home. Mum - Alzheimer’s late stages. Dad - Vascular Dementia. 88yrs and 86yrs respectively. I am the only person to care for them as my sister passed away 23yrs ago. I am 63.
For the past few years I have bent over backwards trying to “sort” things for them and it has taken its toll on me.
Nothing pleases them about where they stay. They weren’t happy where they lived because they weren’t managing and slowly losing their independence. They weren’t happy with the sheltered housing I moved them to (a beautiful place). They wanted to move to the lovely CH after seeing it and discussing what it meant. Then they weren’t pleased after they had moved in. It’s one of the best. They continually tell me they want to go back to where they stayed originally which is 130 miles away from me!
When I visit (3 times a week) my mum doesn’t seem to know who I am though she knows my name and she can hurt me physically (eg twist my hand back on itself or nip my hand. She once clouted me across the neck). I try to do everything I can for them but it’s wearing me down. On top of that I have the staff telling me what a caring person she is always wanting to see that everyone is ok. She asks for hugs from the staff. Never keen to give me one. 😫
So it sounds as though the support your family can offer you is low. I would definitely concentrate on developing supportive friend relationships and finding something that provides you with a sense of purpose and satisfaction. If that is a job, excellent, but it could also be a commitment to a cause in which you believe.
You might consider a few sessions with a counselor. It might help you clarify your goals and how to reach them.
There is no need to visit these discontented, abusive and demanding people more than once a week. You have gone above and beyond to please and satisfy them. If you visit any more often than once a week (or even less), you are deliberately punishing yourself for no reason. What needs to be sorted out for them? Are they demanding you do things that don’t really need to be done? Stop. If there is a power of attorney and they have wills, you shouldn’t need to have to sort anything out. These are people you can’t please and who do not know the meaning of gratitude.
As for a job, keep in mind your age and limitations. Not many people at our age have the wherewithal to start a new career, especially when we are stressed and burned out in the first place. I’ve been thinking about a part time job too, but the jobs I’m looking for involve lifting, which I can’t do, standing, and hours that don’t fit. Volunteering may be a better option. You definitely need some outlet other than visiting your toxic parents.
And for Heaven’s Sake, stop tolerating your mother smacking you. .
My dad always shows appreciation of my visits but he gets paranoid episodes from time to time which I find difficult.
I just feel that I have lost my mum altogether now. 😢
I would love to get a job or take up classes and get to know people.....have some fun for a change before it is too late but ...... suffer from terrible feelings of guilt for even thinking this. 😩
Of your parents are safe, clean, fed and otherwise cared for, you have nothing to feel guilty about. You can’t be your best self if you are pining for some fun in your life. Take that first step and put a job application in somewhere. Start part-time. Have some fun!
I agree with everyone else.
Get a job. Not one with too much stress. I always thought it would be nice to work in an antique/collectable place. Do u belong to a church? You can volunteer to help out and meet people that way. This is the time to do what you always wanted to do. Take a course. Get in touch with old friends. Facebook is great for this.
Like said, when u visit keep your distance from Mom.
Try to absorb this: it's quite possible your parents won't even miss you when you don't show up. They are not the people they were when they parented you. They are completely different people. If you don't trust the care home to treat them as you wish, then maybe you can get a friend to stop in and check on them now and then, while you work this out with some help and build the rest of your life in a way that makes you content, if not happy. Three days a week is probably too much visiting for them. They don't get time to adapt to their new life.
PS: My mother was always a charmer to others but hateful to her children. It's a narcissism that won't be changed for the good by old age. Was she always this way? Seems like, if she physically hurts you, then there's a message there that you don't want to read. A counselor can help you figure that one out.
I found it helpful when I realized that - when I had only been gone for 12 hours - that my Mom would feel like she hadn't seen me for AGES! What that meant was, the whole day that I just spent with her yesterday was gone - lost in the mists of memory. But - what then occurred to me - was that if I was in fact away from her for a few days, it would feel *just the same* to her!
This actually made me feel a little bit more free.
The first time my husband and I went on holiday after they had settled into the CH, my dad gave me the most almighty row for going away and leaving them. He was furious with me and I left in tears. Fact was, I was almost done in before I went because up until then I had been looking after them both 24/7. I really needed the break to survive!
I’m not sure what the answer is to be honest.
One of my worries is how my wife is doing, as I go through this - cause I am overtired and sad and grumpy a lot of the time - I think I need to try to manage myself and my resources so that I can enjoy time with her more and not be such a drag.
Is there a way to protect yourself more from a predictably angry father? I wonder if you could sit with him and just wander away in your head while he is venting, run through the plot of your favourite movie? Something that would give you some emotional protection. I guess I am thinking that you can't control if he is angry or unreasonable, but maybe you can work on ways to not let it get to you.
One thing that helped me - with some of my Mom's predictable rants - was to "game-ify" them. I would try to guess what I would hear about today, and if she started off on how terrible something is - instead of arguing the point with her, or feeling so fatigued that I have to listen to this AGAIN - I tell myself "aha! I get one point for 'disgusting men with facial hair'". It has made me much better humoured about the whole thing, and yet her behaviour hasn't changed at all.
What I did realize – just as you said – it makes no difference if I’m there every day, every other day, or if I decide to go on vacation. Mom doesn’t remember from one moment to the next what has happened, what is going on or when I was there last.
As we all know, it is an absolutely long and emotionally stressful and depressing process to get our parents who we love into proper care. But that being said, we all need to step back and realize that in fact we have done everything possible to make sure that they are cared for in the best manner that they can be at this stage in their life.
As everyone else had said, we have our own lives and our parents would not want us to suffer in any way. Of course, that is very hard for us to do as this is such a painful process. We all just need to work very hard at taking care of ourselves.
You've gone above and beyond for your parents, including tolerating their abuse. It sounds as though they're safe and non-abusive to those who provide their care. So leave them to it!
If you can be strong enough to do it, try visiting only 1-2 times/week to see if that gives you any relief.
As for them wanting to move, many people with dementia say they hate where they live. For reasons unknown, they want to be somewhere else. Many articles say they want to go back to their childhood home.
Alzheimer's/dementia is an awful disease. The toll is enormous, both for the victims and their families. It seems you know you won't be able to please your parents no matter what you do, so it's time to stop trying.
Take a breath, take a step away. Take the time you need for yourself.
peace!!! If you do not your health will decline and you will regret it..... It’s okay to have a life , I’m assuming both your parents are in a safe home??
if your saying visit?
Please allow yourself time to set a schedule that you
feel comfortable with so you
can visit and still
live your life too.. Having ill parents doesn’t mean a death sentence for those whom are taking care of them, nor should it mean you have any guilt for wanting peace and a life .. I’m sure your parents while raising children still made time to have peace and them time while raising kids.. Why shouldn’t you?!
Gods speed.... 😇
Your parent's "job" was to raise you and then send you out so that you can live your life.
Get a job, start living your life (I should say continue your life).
Be a daughter and visit.
Let the caregivers be their caregivers.
You can be an advocate for them. You can make sure they are cared for, they get their needs met. When you visit you can or should enjoy the time you spend.
If your Mom starts to get nasty, physically or emotionally say.."I have an appointment and I have to leave now" Then leave.
Here are the things other said that I strongly second: if you can afford it, find a professional counselor who can help guide you through aging and end of life issues - I found myself thinking over and over lately about how I don't want to put MY kids through this kind of care hell - and constantly thinking about my own mortality. I found someone wonderful to talk to who took care of her own mother for 2 years after she had a massive stroke. It's been very helpful!
You do need something to do, and I agree at our age that regular "employment" that is not in itself adding to your stress level, under the circumstances you're in, is difficult to find. I had a part-time job last year and when the inevitable drama started there, I really only became more depressed. I'd recommend volunteering, and/or taking a class. I've turned into a gym rat, 5 days a week, I take cardio, strength training, and balance/coordination classes geared to 55+ people - I feel so much better, physically, and I've expanded my social circle. Find something you LIKE to do, rather than doing something else you HAVE to do - and do it regularly, at least a few days a week.
Lastly, cut those visits down to no more than once a week, and keep them brief.
If they are being cared for and they are safe, you don't need to be there more than that.
And lastly, come here to this group often for support. We're here for you!
Leave them close to you because if you took them back they would not be satisfied there - when people with dementia talk about a place they used to live in they are only remembering good bits & forget about why they wanted to move from there - just like when you think of your flower garden what comes to mind is the blossoms not the weeds
It is time for you to move on with your life so get a job you love & cut back on the visits because you do not need the stress of the crappy way they treat you - they are dumping abuse on you, especially the physical abuse, which is not acceptable so it is the time for you to start taking care of yourself & be happy
Whatever speaks to you.
Don’t be afraid to shop around and switch around. Sometimes what rang your bell during your “former life” loses its appeal after you’ve been through the elder-care gauntlet. We change. (No surprise, right?!?)
Regardless, work toward rebuilding and restoring YOU. Even if you don’t know what that means right now!
Not to sound cruel or Darwinian, but your parents had “their time.” It’s over. Maybe they used it well, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had financial security, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had joy (or - more importantly - created joy), maybe they didn’t.
It’s all behind them now. Nothing can change that. No amount of your (figurative) tap dancing will make a damm difference. Nor will magical thinking or trying to please.
“The twilight years” is just a phrase, until it stares you in the face and changes the dynamic of 2-or-more generations.
This is so draining for adult children. No playbook. No clear-cut timetable. Just open-ended despair.
It’s impossible to give your parents what they want. It is possible to make sure they are safe and cared for — and you have done that.
Next step: Reset your routine with the care home. Define a way to show your love and connection to your parents without leaving a chunk of “you” behind after every visit. Lotsa good advice from the other folks here, so I won’t repeat specifics. You’ll figure out what works.
Your new boundaries might feel odd and uncomfortable, at first. Keep reminding yourself that it’s OK to make your sanity and your well-being the priority.
Give yourself permission to be a whole person.
Keep reminding yourself that being a fraction of a person did not serve you well. Nor did it serve your parents well.
Whether by accident or design, your parents have become impossible to please. Stop taking that as a personal challenge (we’ve all done it!) — and find the liberation in it.
((((big hugs)))) These are rough years. Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We’re rooting for you! 🧡
Hugs to you.
RE: visitations: Again, take care of you. If your parents can manage ok without your visitations, then do what is best for your own sanity. I don't know what a CH is, but it seems the staff will let you know when you must be there.
The elderly can get frustrated. They can get angry. They can strike out. And they can do all this without realizing or understanding how their actions affect others. They might not even remember what they've said or done. Don't take it personally.
It sounds like you are making sure your parents are being properly cared for, you are helping them out, and you are spending time with them. Most elderly sleep a lot. You should be able to go out and have time for yourself, which includes doing activities that you find de-stressing. And after de-stressing, you can go back and see your parents with a smile and refreshed.
I'm not sure that a job is necessary, not unless you are having financial difficulties. Work will take up much time and can be very stressful in itself. Social meetups can be more rewarding. How you considered looking for local meetups through meetup.com?