Should I get a job and visit less?

Whether it is exhaustion from doing what we do or guilt if we don't either way it is horribly exhausting. My mother AND my husband are both in a memory care facility - they both fell and broke their hip in June and dimentia progressed for both beyond allowing them to live at home. Hardest thing I ever did was admitting that I could not care for my husband safely at home, for either of us. Not only that but life would never be the same if I did. I tried and within 4 days I was exhausted, scared and worn out. I have horrible guilt, have a hard time coping with the situation but I am 65 and in good health so I'm trying to do the best thing for everyone involved. Mom has settled in and is secure, comfortable and well cared for. My husband is improving but his mind is not ever going to be the same because he has Lewey Body Dimentia/Parkinsons. It is a tough challenge and often mentally exhausting but life must go on. It isn't easy, but I work for the income so I can provide the best care possible and to give me an escape. Work is good therapy - and keeps you engaged with people which is therapy in itself.

It's time to take care of yourself. You must, else you will fall ill.

Please take care of yourself..... you have done so much for them and they are well taken care of. Think would be wise to get a job if you want to...burnout is life altering from all this. You can only do so much...my health suffered greatly from taking care of 3 elderly whom I loved very much, but it takes its toll and no one is taking care of you..... bless you for all you have done.... I hope you can do what is good for you and your needs and life... hugs....

I would perhaps visit just as often, just not very long each time. You need an outlet for your stress, because you are dealing with a very stressful situation. First, I would suggest that you exercise to work off some of that stress and perhaps improve your sleep. Then, yes, get a job that provides some flexibility, maybe part-time. Full-time might just be adding more stress than you need. Take care of yourself!

I have a great idea....lets switch for 1 week...i am in San diego....i can tell you are English? I am in the same boat...only I am physically exhausted as well....i actually hurt after a visit. I am looking for a job...but inevitably every time I get one...something happens to them....of course I we can't really switch...but it would be nice.

I'm the same age and chronically tired from managing my father's affairs/moving him into memory care. But I'm still over there every day checking on how he is doing because I've been doing it for so long, that it is strange and sad for me to let go. We keep trying to please our parents, don't we? I roller coaster between being satisfied with the place - they seem to care about him - and being upset about things I think they could do better. I don't know if my expectations were too high or they aren't living up to their original promises. Dad is safer than he was living alone but I don't know everything they are doing for/with him. The therapists stopped telling me when they were coming/came to work with him, only communicating with the nursing/PCA staff. Staff took him out of the building on a group excursion without telling me. The building had a gas leak/evacuation; no one mentioned it to me. I live within 1/2 hours drive and they have my home and cell phone numbers. Lately, I've been there when no one from the staff was there to look after the residents. They have only a handful of residents in the memory care and no regular activities (in memory care) besides meals. I think my father is bored when he isn't sleeping. They eat dinner around 4:30 pm and go to bed early to avoid sundowning. I suspect this is pretty standard. That said, I feel that I really need to start rebuilding my own life, as I have let his needs be of first priority for so long, that I am in danger of being totally lost when he eventually passes away. I do want to cherish the time we have together now, while he still recognizes me. Probably the easiest way to make new acquaintenances and start building a network would be to get a job, assuming I am still employable at 63 after my unintentional retirement.

By all means get a job & a Social life...my 91 yo mother w dementia gets so combative w hitting, choke me, punching, pulling my hair. She started a new thing...unbuckles her belt on her wheelchair & this morning fell out on the floor...I was in kitchen making her toast for breakfast & in 3 min came back to find her on the floor...called EMS to come pick her up & put her back in chair...& she tells them all right answers: her name, address, dob & who I am. So what is the health proxy I have worth? If I am primary caregiver & she is beating me up , & abuses me daily, I don’t have any rights or power if she has a lucid moment. Meanwhile every morning she don’t know me & asks me what is my name.

Dear ELS and Everyone who posted here,

Today is a day I go to visit my Mom. I feel ill and am dreading it. Am an only child and sole caregiver (except for my husband and daughter who valiantly tried to help for the year that Mom lived with us.)

Mom has been demanding, controlling and verbally/emotionally abusive throughout my life. She is difficult at the care home and it’s been a wild ride helping her and the caregiver adjust to anything that approaches tolerable.

I am learning that Mom’s “happiness” is never something I can control (even to protect myself from her abuse), and it is not humane to expect me to be responsible for it (or to be punished for the lack of it).

The anger, accusations and disappointment she directs at me are beyond hurtful. They are debilitating.

So, I’ve reset my priorities. It is more important that Mom be -
- Safe
- Healthy
- Well fed
- Clean
- Comfortable
- Have opportunities to socialize
- Retain as much of her personal dignity as possible
- Have contact with family as much as is possible without burdening or harming family

It is my responsibility to make sure that she has these things. and it is my choice to show her love in whatever ways I can.

But, anything that harms me physically or emotionally is no longer required - off-limits.

Watching Mom be abusive to my dear, kind daughter helped me to realize the her behavior was not to be tolerated. And, while I could not defend myself as a child, I certainly owe it to myself to do so as an adult.

I’m not really giving advice - I guess I’m just reminding myself of the things that will make today’s visit a little more bearable.

Best to all all of you. And, yes, let’s all remember to take care of ourselves.

Dear Els 1 el, I wondered the same thing while caring for my Mom for 4 years. Just ask yourself, will this make my life harder or easier? I have anxiety and I knew a job on top of everything else would push me over the edge. For others it might be healthy. Within a year of my Mom’s death I was able to start working part time at 60. I didn’t even realize that I had been bored. Prayers.

I have a lot of support from Senior Services and we are trying Alexa as a means to communicate with dementia patients. Some are still able to live at home with assistance, some are in assisted living, some are in nursing homes. Alexa can be a great source of entertainment. She reads short stories, plays music, games, answers questions and doesn't get angry when asked the same one 300 times a day! You can also "Drop In" which means you can talk to the person, you need one too for Drop In. Alexa has worked very well and has dropped the number of visits I make to the nursing home weekly. I was going almost everyday, but it took it's toll on me big time. Now I go 3 times a week and was able to start doing things for "Me" again. We are about to try a Video Alexa - so we can have live chats. The bottom line is Alexa is a great tool and entertaining for the dementia patients. You do have to do a little training. I posted easy to read notes for my brother and he does fine. I also "drop in" and remind him to ask Alexa to read him his book.
Good luck - take care of yourself - and utilize all support and avenues that can help you stay sane. It is not an easy roll.

Hi Els1eL,

The elderly can get frustrated. They can get angry. They can strike out. And they can do all this without realizing or understanding how their actions affect others. They might not even remember what they've said or done. Don't take it personally.

It sounds like you are making sure your parents are being properly cared for, you are helping them out, and you are spending time with them. Most elderly sleep a lot. You should be able to go out and have time for yourself, which includes doing activities that you find de-stressing. And after de-stressing, you can go back and see your parents with a smile and refreshed.

I'm not sure that a job is necessary, not unless you are having financial difficulties. Work will take up much time and can be very stressful in itself. Social meetups can be more rewarding. How you considered looking for local meetups through meetup.com?

I don't understand the job part of the question. Are you wanting to get a job? If so, get one. You must also make yourself happy and content.

RE: visitations: Again, take care of you. If your parents can manage ok without your visitations, then do what is best for your own sanity. I don't know what a CH is, but it seems the staff will let you know when you must be there.

Your parents are being cared for. Who's caring for you? YOU must! Enjoy yourself. Get a job you like. Take a class. Enjoy your life, Els1eL!

Hugs to you.

My mother is doing the same thing. The staff says how sweet and cooperative she is and I keep wondering why she is consistently hateful to me. When my hubby comes with me she is sweet and loving. When I see her alone, this nonsense starts all over again. I've decided to start backing away. I don't know if it is right or wrong, but there comes a time when you have to lookout for your own mental status. This stage in our lives is a hard one. I will be interested to see what others might say.

Yes. A job (possibly an undemanding one!). Or volunteering. Or church/political involvement. Or an exercise/strength/balance routine.

Whatever speaks to you.

Don’t be afraid to shop around and switch around. Sometimes what rang your bell during your “former life” loses its appeal after you’ve been through the elder-care gauntlet. We change. (No surprise, right?!?)

Regardless, work toward rebuilding and restoring YOU. Even if you don’t know what that means right now!

Not to sound cruel or Darwinian, but your parents had “their time.” It’s over. Maybe they used it well, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had financial security, maybe they didn’t. Maybe they had joy (or - more importantly - created joy), maybe they didn’t.

It’s all behind them now. Nothing can change that. No amount of your (figurative) tap dancing will make a damm difference. Nor will magical thinking or trying to please.

“The twilight years” is just a phrase, until it stares you in the face and changes the dynamic of 2-or-more generations.

This is so draining for adult children. No playbook. No clear-cut timetable. Just open-ended despair.

It’s impossible to give your parents what they want. It is possible to make sure they are safe and cared for — and you have done that.

Next step: Reset your routine with the care home. Define a way to show your love and connection to your parents without leaving a chunk of “you” behind after every visit. Lotsa good advice from the other folks here, so I won’t repeat specifics. You’ll figure out what works.

Your new boundaries might feel odd and uncomfortable, at first. Keep reminding yourself that it’s OK to make your sanity and your well-being the priority.

Give yourself permission to be a whole person.

Keep reminding yourself that being a fraction of a person did not serve you well. Nor did it serve your parents well.

Whether by accident or design, your parents have become impossible to please. Stop taking that as a personal challenge (we’ve all done it!) — and find the liberation in it.

((((big hugs)))) These are rough years. Keep coming back to AC Forum for support. We’re rooting for you! 🧡

Yes, by all means, get a job. Make some money. Get some Social Security money into your account. You have done a good job for them and will continue to do so. Your turn now. Put your oxygen mask on. Save yourself!!!!!!!!!!

I am going thru the same thing with my sister, She wants to leave and wants me to get her out of there. She hugs and compliments the staff seem to be very good for the most part. With me she is either angry or not talking with me just pouting. I understand that she has vascular dementia so I don't take it personally. Is it wearing yes it is.

Your mom & dad see you as the barrier to whatever they want because you are the person making decisions for them - no matter what you do they have shifted you into the 'big bad wolf' role - they will never be happy with where they live because they are incapable of being happy unless they are in control & that is no longer a viable option - by the way this happens often when dealing with parents dementia .... so welcome to the club

Leave them close to you because if you took them back they would not be satisfied there - when people with dementia talk about a place they used to live in they are only remembering good bits & forget about why they wanted to move from there - just like when you think of your flower garden what comes to mind is the blossoms not the weeds

It is time for you to move on with your life so get a job you love & cut back on the visits because you do not need the stress of the crappy way they treat you - they are dumping abuse on you, especially the physical abuse, which is not acceptable so it is the time for you to start taking care of yourself & be happy

There is nothing I can say that isn't consistent with what so many others have said already - all of it good advice.  My 94 year old mother has dementia, is in a wonderful care facility, is never happy, is always nice to everyone else and though she is not abusive to me physically, she is emotionally.  Visits bring nothing but complaints, when she will look at me at all.  I have given 6 years of my life to delivering and/or managing her care, my father died many years ago, (I was widowed myself 4 years ago) and while I have two brothers, both of them live more than 1000 miles away.  I found myself this year at the end of my rope trying everything to make her happy and realize, that's never going to happen.
Here are the things other said that I strongly second:  if you can afford it, find a professional counselor who can help guide you through aging and end of life issues - I found myself thinking over and over lately about how I don't want to put MY kids through this kind of care hell - and constantly thinking about my own mortality.  I found someone wonderful to talk to who took care of her own mother for 2 years after she had a massive stroke.  It's been very helpful!
You do need something to do, and I agree at our age that regular "employment" that is not in itself adding to your stress level, under the circumstances you're in, is difficult to find.  I had a part-time job last year and when the inevitable drama started there, I really  only became more depressed. I'd recommend volunteering, and/or taking a class.  I've turned into a gym rat, 5 days a week, I take cardio, strength training, and balance/coordination classes geared to 55+ people - I feel so much better, physically, and I've expanded my social circle.  Find something you LIKE to do, rather than doing something else you HAVE to do - and do it regularly, at least a few days a week.
Lastly, cut those visits down to no more than once a week, and keep them brief.
If they are being cared for and they are safe, you don't need to be there more than that. 
And lastly, come here to this group often for support.  We're here for you!

You have a long life and your own life to lead.
Your parent's "job" was to raise you and then send you out so that you can live your life.
Get a job, start living your life (I should say continue your life).
Be a daughter and visit.
Let the caregivers be their caregivers.
You can be an advocate for them. You can make sure they are cared for, they get their needs met. When you visit you can or should enjoy the time you spend.
If your Mom starts to get nasty, physically or emotionally say.."I have an appointment and I have to leave now" Then leave.

My answer is Yes!! And I’m so sorry you have to deal with this and the fact that both your parents are suffering that horrible disease.... that being said You need to have your space and life too m! in order to keep your sanity and
peace!!! If you do not your health will decline and you will regret it..... It’s okay to have a life , I’m assuming both your parents are in a safe home??
if your saying visit?
Please allow yourself time to set a schedule that you
feel comfortable with so you
can visit and still
live your life too.. Having ill parents doesn’t mean a death sentence for those whom are taking care of them, nor should it mean you have any guilt for wanting peace and a life .. I’m sure your parents while raising children still made time to have peace and them time while raising kids.. Why shouldn’t you?!

Gods speed.... 😇

It sounds like your mom isn't in her right mind. Sometimes we hear what theyre saying and we assume (as the daughter) that we have to obey. Not true. You have to pretend that you are the parent here, and if you feel that she is best suited where she is, then you should leave her there. Perhaps you are visiting too mch? I do this too and often, we become a punching bag for their bad moods. If your mom is being well taken care of, then you should cut your visits to once MAYBE 2 times a week. Keep them brief and dont get emotional. It's hard - I know. But you can do it. Good luck!

It's time to take care of yourself. Whether that's a job, volunteering for something you enjoy, or just taking the time to explore what your interests are.

You've gone above and beyond for your parents, including tolerating their abuse. It sounds as though they're safe and non-abusive to those who provide their care. So leave them to it!

If you can be strong enough to do it, try visiting only 1-2 times/week to see if that gives you any relief.

As for them wanting to move, many people with dementia say they hate where they live. For reasons unknown, they want to be somewhere else. Many articles say they want to go back to their childhood home.

Alzheimer's/dementia is an awful disease. The toll is enormous, both for the victims and their families. It seems you know you won't be able to please your parents no matter what you do, so it's time to stop trying.

Take a breath, take a step away. Take the time you need for yourself.

Exactly - trying42!! I just moved my mom into memory care (A beautiful and loving place) this past Thursday. I was there most the day Thursday and Friday. Yesterday I was unable to go as I had too much on my plate, but I was told that she continued to ask if I was coming to visit. It absolutely broke my heart.

What I did realize – just as you said – it makes no difference if I’m there every day, every other day, or if I decide to go on vacation. Mom doesn’t remember from one moment to the next what has happened, what is going on or when I was there last.

As we all know, it is an absolutely long and emotionally stressful and depressing process to get our parents who we love into proper care. But that being said, we all need to step back and realize that in fact we have done everything possible to make sure that they are cared for in the best manner that they can be at this stage in their life.

As everyone else had said, we have our own lives and our parents would not want us to suffer in any way. Of course, that is very hard for us to do as this is such a painful process. We all just need to work very hard at taking care of ourselves.

I certainly feel for you. You have your hands full. My Mom is in dementia unit . For about 1 year a visited her 5 days per week. I was working full time. It was alot of stress. Some of the time my Mom would not say a word. Now I visit twice a week and not stressed. I have gotten over the guilt. My Mom would never have wanted me to get sick in the process. As far as your parents please take care of yourself. You deserve a life too. If you get sick who takes care of them. I have found that what they say should not be taken personally. They are not the people they once were. You have to do what you think is convenient for you. As long as they are safe. Comfortable. Please take care of yourself as well. Good luck.

My mom is 82 and I am 61. She is very combative and verbally abusive. She thinks I am someone else at times and things get pretty wild when that happens. She informed me she doesn't want to go to a nursing home, and I am trying to honor that. BUT I am going to live my life as well. Not only am I willing to work, I am working on owning Real Estate in a big way. So I say do what makes you happy and know you love them and doing what you can for them. Unless my mom was being mistreated there is No way I would be transferring her from facility to facility. I see no need to add that to the great care she is already getting from me. Not doing anything that causes me discomfort, but definitely going to take care of my mom.

The ‘almighty row’ from Dad that reduced you to tears sounds as nasty as your mother’s pinching habit. You have been a good and obedient daughter for a long time, and it sounds as though they have come to treat you worse than they would treat a servant. Not as an adult who is now much more capable than they are, and has her own life to lead. You and your needs deserve more respect than this. Please try to give yourself more priority. Respect yourself!

Thanks for you answer Whyarewe. The CH treats them very well. It is a very good one with patient, caring staff for the most part. They have been there a year past July. My mum is at the stage in her Alzheimer’s where she physically hurts people if she is confused or doesn’t get her own way. However, she never ever smacked me as a child. She did seem jealous of my youth though and never wanted to admit how old I was to people. She once introduced me as her friend instead of her daughter and this was decades before she got Alzheimer’s.

Thank you trying42. This would work with my mum as she can’t remember what happened 5minutes ago. However, my Dad does remember and knows when to expect me. The most time I ever have in between visits is 2 days once a week. The rest of the time it’s every second day.
The first time my husband and I went on holiday after they had settled into the CH, my dad gave me the most almighty row for going away and leaving them. He was furious with me and I left in tears. Fact was, I was almost done in before I went because up until then I had been looking after them both 24/7. I really needed the break to survive!
I’m not sure what the answer is to be honest.

Something odd, but possibly helpful?

I found it helpful when I realized that - when I had only been gone for 12 hours - that my Mom would feel like she hadn't seen me for AGES! What that meant was, the whole day that I just spent with her yesterday was gone - lost in the mists of memory. But - what then occurred to me - was that if I was in fact away from her for a few days, it would feel *just the same* to her!

This actually made me feel a little bit more free.