Boredom. I've got a bad case of it. How do you deal with the mind numbingness of it?

Are you able to get out for a brief period of time? If so, see a movie, browse a bookstore, or call up a friend and meet for lunch. Mental stimulation is good for boredom. We're uncomfortable when our elderly parent makes us the center of their life but it's just as uncomfortable when they become the center of ours.

You need some respite hours. You need some getaway time. I am not a person of faith, so don't belong to churches, but people I know who do seem to get community there that is a help even if just to baby sit for one another. Community centers sometimes have caregivers groups; the one in Palm Springs does. I wonder is anywhere where you can, people in like circumstances, or people who need other things done for them, can respite one another. I don't know how you all manage in home care, because even nighttime is not yours with common sleep disorder problems. So sorry. Please try to reach out to find some time that is yours.

Thanks. I do get out as mom is not "that bad", yet. But we spend many, many hours together every day. It just feels like groundhog day.

Maybe I just have to purposely get out of the house every day to do something alone or with friends. I've been thinking about getting back to the gym for one thing.

Any ideas for how to steer the convo to more interesting items? Maybe I have to do a google search on conversation starters and one or two prompts in mind of things that *I* find interesting. Yes, it's all about me, right??

Is it totally mean to tell her that unless it is something serious, I really really really don't want to hear about her bathroom issues?

I am the type of person who wants to get to the root of problems and FIX them. Soooo not my mom. She wants to complain and wish her troubles away. Ugh.

I guess today is my day to whine and complain. But, at least, I am trying to improve the situation. At the expense of my dear readers!

Thanks for all the suggestions and compassion. It means a lot.

Oh dear - it is hard isn’t it ? Unfortunately pains and how often peeing have become the focus of your mums life. My mum used to be in agony - and their doorways weren’t very wide. So I got a computer chair and pushed her from room to room in that. Despite knowing what I was doing I’d ask her opinion re what vegetables to use for the meals and get her doing what she could. I’d ask her names of the flowers in the garden. Recount funny times we’d had and provide clues for her to recall some memories. Sure, I’d heard them before but it still changed the topic. Crosswords we’d do together - my giving more clues till the answer came.

With my dad, as he liked doing things but couldn’t remember how to mostly, I’d deliberately pop out a lens of my sunglasses and ask him to fix it back in for me. Just needed a bit of pressure. But if he couldn’t it didn’t matter - just kept him busy for a bit. I’d get peas to shell, and we would chat about the large garden he had before and the wine he’d made. Sure I knew it but sometimes a new memory would surface for him.

Distraction therapy of past hobbies and interests helped quite a bit initially. But even these have their limits. If they’ve truly lost interest.

Dad enjoyed my taking him to the pub for Sunday meal. The locals were great and helped him do crosswords etc whilst having a chat. It got he was more concerned about certain kind locals being there when he was than whether I would be around - and I was the one taking him lmao! But that provided a focal point for him. They were great - stenching blood re falls - he was on warfarin. Yelling if he’d fallen in the loo so I could go sort it out .... whilst enabling me to have conversations with others too when there. ( er at the pub - not whilst in the loo!)

Befrienders are volunteers who can sit in with your mum whilst you have a short break - going shopping or to the gym.

Respite care is also invaluable whether day or over night or a few days. It’s good idea to start it so that in the event you need a few days urgently for something they already know how to cater for her needs.

Baring that, try talking to her of your interests, goals, achievements and dreams - hard if they are disinterested but still a topic more of interest to you. Show her old family photos and see if she remembers everyone/events.

I had a freezer full of peeled potatos, carrots, shelled peas, apple sauce - some of which I used in meals but they could peel/ shell more than they could eat!

I’m so sorry as it’s frustrating but I hope you can find a solution that works for you both for a while. It’s an ever changing situation - just as you sort one issue out or make it bearable - it alters or another crops up!

It can help if you see how many many times you can get your mum to laugh or smile at something each day. I found I focussed on that rather the number of repeated comments....

Best of luck and and hope you manage to get to the gym regularly soon.

I go through it too. Don’t have an answer as I am in the middle of it. I feel others who have come out of it, caregiving behind them, will have more wisdom.

Having said them, I share your pain! I truly empathize with you. Hugs!

Your interests? You mention the gym. Certainly exercise will clear the mind and keep you healthy mentally as well as physically. Art? Writing? Something creative to take your mind in a direction it wants to go, then the return to the unending loop of conversation about pain and pee will be bearable. What about writing down what goes on there as a sort of story telling. I write to my friends about things my mom says and does and it actually becomes quite funny as I write it and my friends love the stories and want me to write a book. But I'm a better painter than writer, so that's what I do.

Oh gosh yes, painfully boring! Honestly, at times you really do just want to burst into tears.

Can you put on some music she likes, maybe that she can sing along to or something?

Yep, and the repetition of things over and over and over, She may need some friends, visitors, Church, something to give her another direction to go. Hire a part time person to help out , or family, friends etc. to come so you can go do something for yourself. Make a family album with her or have her help you fold clothes etc. . Don't let her make you feel guilty when you do go. Just reassure her that you will be back. You are not doing anything wrong if you do something for yourself. Remember if you go down, so does everyone you care for.

Oh yes,, I feel like I am getting old before my time. LOL . All she wants me to do is watch TV with her,, all day.. If I get up to do something she says" sit down, all you do is run around".. Like the chores do themselves and my husband is OK all day with out my company.. I used to go out to window shop just to get some walking around time.. now I feel awful if I leave her.. even though she is fine by herself for a few hours.. I miss my "me time" I ask her to go places with me.. but she normally refuses because she hates her rollator.. I tell her I need to move around because if I stop.. I will STOP

My life has magically changed for the better since I started playing the tuba. No joke. I practice every single day, then once a week, attend a band rehearsal.

If you are handy, see if you can find a knitting or sewing circle, pick up your handwork then potty talk begins, and zone into your needles. Lots of churches around here have groups that do caps or hats and scarves for babies.

Book club? Jewelry making?

OUTSIDE, go outside into sunshine. Dig a garden, drop seeds into ground...Think about what homesteaders did.
Make a clothing line hang up sheets. Sun is a natural anti-bacterial.
If you're truly bored grab an old fashioned wash board... and fels-neptha bar laundry soap, to wash your white socks back to being white, The results are quite gratifying (Fels-neptha laundry soap is Dial brand bar soap technically or its sold under its original fels name in the laundry section of your local grocery, or Amazon,com.)
Conversations must center around things that are happening now, current events, etc., otherwise thoughts loop around stuff that is happening in the immediate area.
Purchase paint, and repaint your walls...
You mentioned the gym. GO, to that gym.

It's time to get old-fashioned with yourself. There's always stuff to do.
If you get up to do something she says anything similar to... "sit down, all you do is run around"....you'll be outside...
You must physically remove yourself from her area...Watching TV is a waste of life and depressing, it's time to quit that...You're turning into your mother, by not, as you wrote, "getting to the root of problems to FIX them. Soooo you're doing that by coming here and not being your mother who, "wants to complain and wish her troubles away." Ugh, go outside....

Good ideas. I actually do a LOT of gardening, weeding, harvesting, cutting the grass with a push mower, etc. etc.

But, I guess I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my butt in gear and do more. Maybe I'm a little apathetic these days, not depressed but having a hard time motivating.

I have some food projects to do. Like zucchini bread. Canning pickles. Etc. Frankly, I kind of avoid the kitchen and hide in my room because she can drive me nuts when I'm trying to get things done in the common area. I guess I should learn to be a little more gracious and not let her questions annoy me so much that I avoid them as much as possible.

I'm going to make a list of things that I think will improve this situation, starting with some of the great advice from the great peeps here!

New question:
There is a support group near me, in my small town where I know a LOT of people. Now, mom is with it enough to go to the library, the village store, etc. on her own so she knows some people in town too.

Sooo, question is: since she's still got some marbles left, how will I go to the group without her knowing?? And what if someone from town mistakenly says "Oh, I saw your daughter at the elder care support group". I think she would be really offended by that.

I've been thinking that going would not be worth the risk so I've avoided it BUT.....??

My solution for years has been a pet, if it can be managed. Is there one in the picture? It could be a godsend for you both. If she is mobile, she could feed it & give it love & care. If it’s a dog, someone will need to walk it. If it’s yours, you could bring it to visit her. I hope you might be able to consider this - it has saved my life!

I planted an herb garden on the side of the house. I read. I sing with several different choirs. I do a lot of cooking. There's a lot of cleaning to do. My mom and I watch Turner Classic Movies together. She loves the old movies. Even though she is in end stage Alzheimer's, there's an adult brain in there somewhere. She loves listening to public radio, and the news.

I got myself an iPad Pro 12+" - it was my 3rd iPad as I use a Mini for reading and had an iPad Air for gaming but the screen was too small for the adventure games.

It was almost $1000 but it saved my sanity. I was eating out of boredom and, in fact, put back 50 lbs during my Caregiving of my DH. The tablets were kept charged as I was always running one down. I had to "live" in the living-room with DH once he was unable to use our bed/bedroom and was pretty much living in my sleep-chair. He was happy that I found a way to be with him 24/7 and told me he was glad I bought the iPad Pro. It made his last year a lot easier on my nerves.

During this time, I had to help my DH to void, holding the urinal and supporting him at the same time. I'd gladly do it all again to still have him with me.

I read your post with interest! My mom has shared her bowel/bladder intimate physical details with me for years! I've asked her many times not to share the acute details of those bodily functions but she persists - what to do when it's loose - what to do when it's dry, etc.etc. She has memory problems (dementia although she says she doesn't) so her excuse is that she can't remember what to do - I reply - mom you've had these issues for years - this isn't new - but she acts as if it is - by announcing to me ' I had diarrhea this morning' when in fact it's not really that - just one of those days when things were loose...and then a couple days later - just the opposite - I couldn't go this morning...and on and on it goes...I've gotten numb to it I guess...it's just part of the conversation...and will most likely never end. She's in an Adult Foster Care home now - thankfully - and I try not to call every day - and am too exhausted to visit frequently - to hear the details again...so I agree - best to get out and do some things for yourself - gardening, pet-care, gym activities - perhaps there will be someone there you CAN have an adult conversation with - in a similar situation as you - go for a coffee afterwards where there is no mention of peeing/pooing or other bodily functions - how refreshing!!

Did anyone suggest jigsaw puzzles? Those kept me sane all last winter. I bought them from Amazon, thrift stores, a discount store in my neighborhood. I just started another one as fall is just around the corner. I was also going to paint our guest room this summer but had to have major eye surgery on my good eye in July and I would have been a painting disaster! I play Vegas Solitaire on my phone a lot. I may start an afghan (I crochet) for my newly married daughter. If you have the chance to learn to knit, that would really help with boredom! I also love to can and cook and bake but am really bad with mid-range stuff until my sight is back. I spill, I knock stuff over, I can't pour right. :^) I really like that you asked this question because I have the same issue.

I hear you. I go to the gym and that's all they talk about. That's why I swim so I don't have to hear them. I just tell them to take some cbd at night. I did yesterday to a man who had broken or something his arm and he bit my head off and said he wasn't a hippie. So I tried being polite and explain the benefits and that it wasn't pot, and he was very negative and told him so and covered my ears and told him I didn't want to hear another word. and I turned and talked to another gentleman. Negative young people get worse as they age. Only surround yourself with positive people.

If there is an elder day care nearby, you might try that. The problem is they always say no to whatever you suggest but you might just have to send her even if she does say no. Our community has a senior center. They have various interest groups to join. They don't do any care of dementia patients so that might not be an option for her. Or depending on your age, you might qualify and find some different things to do. I am 66 so I could join but thank God, my inlaws are in a memory care facility nearby so I just have to supervise them. I quilt so that is my creative outlet.

I have parked my mom in a rocking chair in the shade while I pull weeds or water my garden.  It gets her out of the house and I am taking care of business and don't have to have a direct conversation with her.  I have also put her in front of the TV to watch a lifetime movie or something while I deal with her laundry... etc.  And last but not least, I put her in the car, windows down and we go get an icecream cone and then we drive by the lake and thru fancy neighborhoods while eating our cones.  No conversation necessary! Just a few of my favorite pass times with mom.

If you are able to get out, even to shop, look for opportunities to make someone else smile. Perhaps tell someone how "nice they look in that color" or compliment a man's interesting necktie. Especially if the people you speak to are older and alone, it will make the day for both of you.

Go to school and get an education--so many online options these days. I even took complex math courses online (but I had to go to the college for tests). If you have friends you can organize working part time. I got my four-year degree for free due to winning scholarships and now planning on graduate school. I'm lucky I still work but only one day a week while my best friend watches mum who is now at end-stage Alzheimer's disease. No boredom, I assure you. You too can have free college if you get straight As and THAT is within your power. Community colleges and undergraduate universities hand out scholarships like candy.

Jamess, below, has the right idea. Redirect the conversations and give mom something other than aches and pains (and BM's) to think about. Those things ARE her life now. The aches, pains, long nights because she got up to pee which lead to more thinking about what she can no longer do. I get frustrated hearing the same things too - especially the BM conversations. For some reason older folks focus in on going each day about the same time and if they don't, it's an issue. I guess they could be feeling like they need to go and can't. (Papaya works wonders for that issue - make a smoothie with apple/pineapple if they don't like the papaya taste).

Do you have a sibling that can offer you some relief so that you can go do some things you like to do? If not, maybe bring someone in for a day or 2 a week so you can have a couple of days off (if finances allow). My situation can not afford days off, so I just do the best I can. I like what Jamesj said and think I may try some little outings in the car for a change of scenery.

Understand completely. Completely, girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!

We don't talk about this nearly enough. It can be a form of torture IF WE LET IT BE. But we do not have to let it be. We can get into the Zen of the whole thing.

As far as her complaining goes, listen with one half of one ear. Leave the rest of your brain for your EARBUDS WHILE YOU ARE LISTENING TO A PODCAST!!!!!!!!!!!! I leave mine in even for meals. They look like earrings. My husband can't hear so we don't talk much and he eats very slowly. So, long, boring meals become me listening to NPR, Pod Save America, The Argument (NYT), or whatever.

Here is what I do also:

Go out for coffee with a friend or two nearly every day!!

Read!!

Play a great word game on the New York Times site.

Binge watch Netflix if all else fails.

Watch Youtube videos on gardening. Then...

Work in the garden.

Watch Youtube videos on dog training. Then...

Train my dog--soooooooooo cute!

Walk my dog while listening to podcasts.

Volunteer, since I can't stay out for long, many short stints for the Democratic Party, which allows me to talk to interesting people and feel useful to the world.

And that, dear friends, is my life.

Be well!

Write back and tell us how it is going!

PLEASE come to my house and help me!  I PROMISE you, you WON'T be bored!  It is just me and I have so many things to do each day that I only get about 3-4 things done because a 5 minute "task" takes about 2 hours to do because of all of the roadblocks I run into, therefore, it is like taking a tiny step forward and 3 GIGANTIC steps back each and every day.  I. NEED. HELP.  My mom is part of the source of my frustration, but the rest of my life is total chaos.  I thought that was true of everyone's life until I ran into being alone...then the REAL fun began.  Adding my mom into the mix added to the anxiety of everything.  And I was always a neat freak beforehand!  And I was VERY organized to boot!  What happened?

Yes, it’s because we are playing it by ear, isn’t it, Debbie? As you point out so well, there are roadblocks that we have to find detours around, which isn’t always an easy task. So naturally the organization goes out of the window. Everything gets adjusted because of the schedule of the senior citizens that are living with us. There is no rushing a senior citizen. You’re right things can take hours. It’s tough for them and tough for us.

My new thing is joining a swim indoor place and have mom in a wheelchair watching me swim or take an exercise class. If your Mom is the the type to "stay put" in her chair this works great for you. You are getting out, you are getting exercise, you are meeting new people, (adults!), and it is giving both of you a change of scenery. As others have mentioned, you both can go to a senior center. The main trick is getting OUT of the house.

Remember you were young once. This is the second go round for them. Also remember that they won't be here very much longer and I know now it seems like you are bored but do as I do. Get up do things around the house and ask them questions about how they think it should be done. After a while they will stop and just let you do you. Get a tablet and do games then you can listen but still be doing something that you like if you like games. I have been doing Candy crush and solitaire for so long I have gotten very good at it. But I always find one that takes me forever. Cherise your mother for know because you will miss her when she is gone. As for help from GOD as to how to deal with this if you are a Faith person. GOD will help you deal and you will feel so much better. Life has a way of bringing us to GOD and this is one way he does it. Keep the faith and know just how much you love your mother. This to shall pass. There are going to be times when you feel like yelling but hold it in and think how much love there have been between you and your mother. Also they will repeat what is going on in there life it's just a way for them to cope with not being able to take care of themselves. GO WITH GOD !

Me tooo love my mom but I'm sick of only talking about BMs arthritis Dr. appt.homehealth care,whats for lunch that won't give her diarrhea lol I'm sorry !and there's my aunt who can not even respond to the same subject! and there is my precious 5 year old grandson its all cartoons and toys!!! When anybody gets home from work I run to talk about anything at all other than elderly issues lol sometimes I feel so lonely even though I am surrounded by people!! When you find out how to beat the boredom and loneliness PLEASE LET ME IN ON IT!!!!LOL