Boredom. I've got a bad case of it. How do you deal with the mind numbingness of it?

So, is the problem boredom, or fed up with the repetition? Clearly there are many things you can do for the boredom - many suggestions, even some of your own. It sounds like more of the issue is having to hear the same things over and over again.

This "She repeats herself a lot, gets overwhelmed with financial and other decisions..." combined with "But she is still independent and mostly takes care of herself." describes our mother in the initial stages of dementia.  Repetition. Making many mistakes with finances (underpaying, overpaying, forgetting to pay!) Wanting to cancel doc appt, even writing it in her calendar, which she lived by, but not following through.

While complaining a lot about the usual elder complaints might not indicate dementia, it still should be considered, especially if she is still driving. She just may have the early signs of it. Our mother was also still driving, but her "circle" of comfort was shrinking (one of her complaints when we took the car away was "I don't go far.") We can't be with her in the car to try to avert a disaster, so we had to decide when it was time to take it away. The decision was based on minor damage to the car, failure to get it inspected, tire split from rim to ground with metal trim bent - this also damaged the rim, likely because she continued to drive on it (BTW, she called to say she had a flat and I found that mess when I showed up with a pump for the tire!)

Even after more than 2 years in MC, mom was still mostly taking care of herself and considers herself "independent." THAT was one of the problems we had in trying to bring help in. In her mind she was fine, independent, could cook and care for herself. She WASN'T cooking, but resorting to packaged meals and boxed crap. Her two biggest dementia issues are repetition (isn't always pain or bodily functions, usually other topics, but repeated over and over) and slipping back in time a bit (asks for/about her mother and her previous address now.) If not for her current fear of falling (she had a couple of non-injury tumbles), she would still be mostly caring for herself at 96 (she is refusing to walk and refused to work with OT/PT.)

That said, for the repetition of things you don't want to hear about, I usually recommend the method used by dads in the old TV shows, who would be sitting at the table reading the paper and mumbling Uh-huhs and Mm-Hmms with a few other random non-responses while the mom prattled on... Trying to change the subject, or redirect her into some activity to keep her busy could help too.

Learn to tune it out (earbuds can help, but mom might notice those!) Like dealing with a toddler asking and saying the same things over and over, we can tune out most of it, but keep half an ear tuned for something important that might sneak in. In mom's case, we generally just keep answering the question(s) with the same response and/or try to change her focus to something else (like a scratched record, give it a little bump to move it along!)

What!? You don't enjoy an "Organ Recital." LOL. Head phones or earbuds with your favorite music or audio book turned up can be useful during the "recitals."

How can you keep your sanity with this going on? I sure couldn't? The only thing I can think of is this - are you a caretaker willing to put up with this forever and only to get worse? If not, start looking for a place to put her. In the meantime, when she starts with these conversations, immediately tell her to stop talking about whatever and change the subject or tell her she has already told you, and you don't want to hear it. It may help and it may not. But YOU have to know when the limits of your sanity are reached and then you have to act accordingly. I know of no other way to solve this.

Your mom is your new 3 year old so make time for yourself to help keep your head above water - even find a 'granny-sitter' of some time off -

Where to get them is your next problem - here kids can't graduate without so many hours of volunteer work so [as an example] have 1 come every Tuesday night for 2 to 3 hours so you can do whatever you want - go to local community college that has either a PSW or early childhood education programme & ask who can help [with good help give a reference & then the next years' people will be available] - go to a volunteer organization that will spell you a few hours a week

Dear againx: It sounds like you need respite badly. If you don't seek relief - even temporarily - you'll be good to no one, especially yourself. My mother repeated the same thing 1,001 x over. But she is gone now and I would like to hear that story she said the 1,002nd time. Remember, this too shall end ....
Some things you could do -
- crossword puzzles
- AARP games - there are TONS of them; they increase in difficulty
-reading romance novels
-reading any books
-crafts
-simple crocheting
-the art of letter writing
-try your hand at poetry writing
-plant an indoor herb garden

i am caregiving long distance for a 97 year old aunt. I hope if I get there I remember that no one cares what I had for breakfast lunch n dinner. I try now to ask about the other person n deflect from me but who knows what’s in the elderly heads.

Me tooo love my mom but I'm sick of only talking about BMs arthritis Dr. appt.homehealth care,whats for lunch that won't give her diarrhea lol I'm sorry !and there's my aunt who can not even respond to the same subject! and there is my precious 5 year old grandson its all cartoons and toys!!! When anybody gets home from work I run to talk about anything at all other than elderly issues lol sometimes I feel so lonely even though I am surrounded by people!! When you find out how to beat the boredom and loneliness PLEASE LET ME IN ON IT!!!!LOL

Remember you were young once. This is the second go round for them. Also remember that they won't be here very much longer and I know now it seems like you are bored but do as I do. Get up do things around the house and ask them questions about how they think it should be done. After a while they will stop and just let you do you. Get a tablet and do games then you can listen but still be doing something that you like if you like games. I have been doing Candy crush and solitaire for so long I have gotten very good at it. But I always find one that takes me forever. Cherise your mother for know because you will miss her when she is gone. As for help from GOD as to how to deal with this if you are a Faith person. GOD will help you deal and you will feel so much better. Life has a way of bringing us to GOD and this is one way he does it. Keep the faith and know just how much you love your mother. This to shall pass. There are going to be times when you feel like yelling but hold it in and think how much love there have been between you and your mother. Also they will repeat what is going on in there life it's just a way for them to cope with not being able to take care of themselves. GO WITH GOD !

My new thing is joining a swim indoor place and have mom in a wheelchair watching me swim or take an exercise class. If your Mom is the the type to "stay put" in her chair this works great for you. You are getting out, you are getting exercise, you are meeting new people, (adults!), and it is giving both of you a change of scenery. As others have mentioned, you both can go to a senior center. The main trick is getting OUT of the house.

Yes, it’s because we are playing it by ear, isn’t it, Debbie? As you point out so well, there are roadblocks that we have to find detours around, which isn’t always an easy task. So naturally the organization goes out of the window. Everything gets adjusted because of the schedule of the senior citizens that are living with us. There is no rushing a senior citizen. You’re right things can take hours. It’s tough for them and tough for us.

PLEASE come to my house and help me!  I PROMISE you, you WON'T be bored!  It is just me and I have so many things to do each day that I only get about 3-4 things done because a 5 minute "task" takes about 2 hours to do because of all of the roadblocks I run into, therefore, it is like taking a tiny step forward and 3 GIGANTIC steps back each and every day.  I. NEED. HELP.  My mom is part of the source of my frustration, but the rest of my life is total chaos.  I thought that was true of everyone's life until I ran into being alone...then the REAL fun began.  Adding my mom into the mix added to the anxiety of everything.  And I was always a neat freak beforehand!  And I was VERY organized to boot!  What happened?

Understand completely. Completely, girlfriend!!!!!!!!!!!!

We don't talk about this nearly enough. It can be a form of torture IF WE LET IT BE. But we do not have to let it be. We can get into the Zen of the whole thing.

As far as her complaining goes, listen with one half of one ear. Leave the rest of your brain for your EARBUDS WHILE YOU ARE LISTENING TO A PODCAST!!!!!!!!!!!! I leave mine in even for meals. They look like earrings. My husband can't hear so we don't talk much and he eats very slowly. So, long, boring meals become me listening to NPR, Pod Save America, The Argument (NYT), or whatever.

Here is what I do also:

Go out for coffee with a friend or two nearly every day!!

Read!!

Play a great word game on the New York Times site.

Binge watch Netflix if all else fails.

Watch Youtube videos on gardening. Then...

Work in the garden.

Watch Youtube videos on dog training. Then...

Train my dog--soooooooooo cute!

Walk my dog while listening to podcasts.

Volunteer, since I can't stay out for long, many short stints for the Democratic Party, which allows me to talk to interesting people and feel useful to the world.

And that, dear friends, is my life.

Be well!

Write back and tell us how it is going!

Jamess, below, has the right idea. Redirect the conversations and give mom something other than aches and pains (and BM's) to think about. Those things ARE her life now. The aches, pains, long nights because she got up to pee which lead to more thinking about what she can no longer do. I get frustrated hearing the same things too - especially the BM conversations. For some reason older folks focus in on going each day about the same time and if they don't, it's an issue. I guess they could be feeling like they need to go and can't. (Papaya works wonders for that issue - make a smoothie with apple/pineapple if they don't like the papaya taste).

Do you have a sibling that can offer you some relief so that you can go do some things you like to do? If not, maybe bring someone in for a day or 2 a week so you can have a couple of days off (if finances allow). My situation can not afford days off, so I just do the best I can. I like what Jamesj said and think I may try some little outings in the car for a change of scenery.

Go to school and get an education--so many online options these days. I even took complex math courses online (but I had to go to the college for tests). If you have friends you can organize working part time. I got my four-year degree for free due to winning scholarships and now planning on graduate school. I'm lucky I still work but only one day a week while my best friend watches mum who is now at end-stage Alzheimer's disease. No boredom, I assure you. You too can have free college if you get straight As and THAT is within your power. Community colleges and undergraduate universities hand out scholarships like candy.

If you are able to get out, even to shop, look for opportunities to make someone else smile. Perhaps tell someone how "nice they look in that color" or compliment a man's interesting necktie. Especially if the people you speak to are older and alone, it will make the day for both of you.

I have parked my mom in a rocking chair in the shade while I pull weeds or water my garden.  It gets her out of the house and I am taking care of business and don't have to have a direct conversation with her.  I have also put her in front of the TV to watch a lifetime movie or something while I deal with her laundry... etc.  And last but not least, I put her in the car, windows down and we go get an icecream cone and then we drive by the lake and thru fancy neighborhoods while eating our cones.  No conversation necessary! Just a few of my favorite pass times with mom.

If there is an elder day care nearby, you might try that. The problem is they always say no to whatever you suggest but you might just have to send her even if she does say no. Our community has a senior center. They have various interest groups to join. They don't do any care of dementia patients so that might not be an option for her. Or depending on your age, you might qualify and find some different things to do. I am 66 so I could join but thank God, my inlaws are in a memory care facility nearby so I just have to supervise them. I quilt so that is my creative outlet.

I hear you. I go to the gym and that's all they talk about. That's why I swim so I don't have to hear them. I just tell them to take some cbd at night. I did yesterday to a man who had broken or something his arm and he bit my head off and said he wasn't a hippie. So I tried being polite and explain the benefits and that it wasn't pot, and he was very negative and told him so and covered my ears and told him I didn't want to hear another word. and I turned and talked to another gentleman. Negative young people get worse as they age. Only surround yourself with positive people.

Did anyone suggest jigsaw puzzles? Those kept me sane all last winter. I bought them from Amazon, thrift stores, a discount store in my neighborhood. I just started another one as fall is just around the corner. I was also going to paint our guest room this summer but had to have major eye surgery on my good eye in July and I would have been a painting disaster! I play Vegas Solitaire on my phone a lot. I may start an afghan (I crochet) for my newly married daughter. If you have the chance to learn to knit, that would really help with boredom! I also love to can and cook and bake but am really bad with mid-range stuff until my sight is back. I spill, I knock stuff over, I can't pour right. :^) I really like that you asked this question because I have the same issue.

I read your post with interest! My mom has shared her bowel/bladder intimate physical details with me for years! I've asked her many times not to share the acute details of those bodily functions but she persists - what to do when it's loose - what to do when it's dry, etc.etc. She has memory problems (dementia although she says she doesn't) so her excuse is that she can't remember what to do - I reply - mom you've had these issues for years - this isn't new - but she acts as if it is - by announcing to me ' I had diarrhea this morning' when in fact it's not really that - just one of those days when things were loose...and then a couple days later - just the opposite - I couldn't go this morning...and on and on it goes...I've gotten numb to it I guess...it's just part of the conversation...and will most likely never end. She's in an Adult Foster Care home now - thankfully - and I try not to call every day - and am too exhausted to visit frequently - to hear the details again...so I agree - best to get out and do some things for yourself - gardening, pet-care, gym activities - perhaps there will be someone there you CAN have an adult conversation with - in a similar situation as you - go for a coffee afterwards where there is no mention of peeing/pooing or other bodily functions - how refreshing!!

I got myself an iPad Pro 12+" - it was my 3rd iPad as I use a Mini for reading and had an iPad Air for gaming but the screen was too small for the adventure games.

It was almost $1000 but it saved my sanity. I was eating out of boredom and, in fact, put back 50 lbs during my Caregiving of my DH. The tablets were kept charged as I was always running one down. I had to "live" in the living-room with DH once he was unable to use our bed/bedroom and was pretty much living in my sleep-chair. He was happy that I found a way to be with him 24/7 and told me he was glad I bought the iPad Pro. It made his last year a lot easier on my nerves.

During this time, I had to help my DH to void, holding the urinal and supporting him at the same time. I'd gladly do it all again to still have him with me.

I planted an herb garden on the side of the house. I read. I sing with several different choirs. I do a lot of cooking. There's a lot of cleaning to do. My mom and I watch Turner Classic Movies together. She loves the old movies. Even though she is in end stage Alzheimer's, there's an adult brain in there somewhere. She loves listening to public radio, and the news.

My solution for years has been a pet, if it can be managed. Is there one in the picture? It could be a godsend for you both. If she is mobile, she could feed it & give it love & care. If it’s a dog, someone will need to walk it. If it’s yours, you could bring it to visit her. I hope you might be able to consider this - it has saved my life!

New question:
There is a support group near me, in my small town where I know a LOT of people. Now, mom is with it enough to go to the library, the village store, etc. on her own so she knows some people in town too.

Sooo, question is: since she's still got some marbles left, how will I go to the group without her knowing?? And what if someone from town mistakenly says "Oh, I saw your daughter at the elder care support group". I think she would be really offended by that.

I've been thinking that going would not be worth the risk so I've avoided it BUT.....??

Good ideas. I actually do a LOT of gardening, weeding, harvesting, cutting the grass with a push mower, etc. etc.

But, I guess I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my butt in gear and do more. Maybe I'm a little apathetic these days, not depressed but having a hard time motivating.

I have some food projects to do. Like zucchini bread. Canning pickles. Etc. Frankly, I kind of avoid the kitchen and hide in my room because she can drive me nuts when I'm trying to get things done in the common area. I guess I should learn to be a little more gracious and not let her questions annoy me so much that I avoid them as much as possible.

I'm going to make a list of things that I think will improve this situation, starting with some of the great advice from the great peeps here!

OUTSIDE, go outside into sunshine. Dig a garden, drop seeds into ground...Think about what homesteaders did.
Make a clothing line hang up sheets. Sun is a natural anti-bacterial.
If you're truly bored grab an old fashioned wash board... and fels-neptha bar laundry soap, to wash your white socks back to being white, The results are quite gratifying (Fels-neptha laundry soap is Dial brand bar soap technically or its sold under its original fels name in the laundry section of your local grocery, or Amazon,com.)
Conversations must center around things that are happening now, current events, etc., otherwise thoughts loop around stuff that is happening in the immediate area.
Purchase paint, and repaint your walls...
You mentioned the gym. GO, to that gym.

It's time to get old-fashioned with yourself. There's always stuff to do.
If you get up to do something she says anything similar to... "sit down, all you do is run around"....you'll be outside...
You must physically remove yourself from her area...Watching TV is a waste of life and depressing, it's time to quit that...You're turning into your mother, by not, as you wrote, "getting to the root of problems to FIX them. Soooo you're doing that by coming here and not being your mother who, "wants to complain and wish her troubles away." Ugh, go outside....

My life has magically changed for the better since I started playing the tuba. No joke. I practice every single day, then once a week, attend a band rehearsal.

If you are handy, see if you can find a knitting or sewing circle, pick up your handwork then potty talk begins, and zone into your needles. Lots of churches around here have groups that do caps or hats and scarves for babies.

Book club? Jewelry making?

Oh yes,, I feel like I am getting old before my time. LOL . All she wants me to do is watch TV with her,, all day.. If I get up to do something she says" sit down, all you do is run around".. Like the chores do themselves and my husband is OK all day with out my company.. I used to go out to window shop just to get some walking around time.. now I feel awful if I leave her.. even though she is fine by herself for a few hours.. I miss my "me time" I ask her to go places with me.. but she normally refuses because she hates her rollator.. I tell her I need to move around because if I stop.. I will STOP

Yep, and the repetition of things over and over and over, She may need some friends, visitors, Church, something to give her another direction to go. Hire a part time person to help out , or family, friends etc. to come so you can go do something for yourself. Make a family album with her or have her help you fold clothes etc. . Don't let her make you feel guilty when you do go. Just reassure her that you will be back. You are not doing anything wrong if you do something for yourself. Remember if you go down, so does everyone you care for.

Oh gosh yes, painfully boring! Honestly, at times you really do just want to burst into tears.

Can you put on some music she likes, maybe that she can sing along to or something?