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Reminds me of when the kids were little and needing to get out for some adult time!


I am so tired of hearing about the location and severity and type of pains. What time she got up to pee. What hours she slept. Etc etc. And, of course, we have to add in some b.m. talk, which I reallllly hate. Please, spare me the gory details.


I feel like banging my head against the wall.


It's worse right now since hubby is away on business so it's just me and mom.

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Oh yes,, I feel like I am getting old before my time. LOL . All she wants me to do is watch TV with her,, all day.. If I get up to do something she says" sit down, all you do is run around".. Like the chores do themselves and my husband is OK all day with out my company.. I used to go out to window shop just to get some walking around time.. now I feel awful if I leave her.. even though she is fine by herself for a few hours.. I miss my "me time" I ask her to go places with me.. but she normally refuses because she hates her rollator.. I tell her I need to move around because if I stop.. I will STOP
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againx100 Aug 14, 2019
Yes, you NEED to keep moving!

We need our ME time too. As someone else said, don't let her make you feel guilty. I know it's hard. My mom doesn't say anything to make me feel guilty. But I feel a little bit guilty anyhow. I know I would hate to be alone so much and have so little of interest to do.

Since she is fine for a few hours, please get out and do things on your own. Even go out on a date with hubby. I do get out alone with hubby which is great. Most of the time we invite her along, but not always.

How do we find "friends" for our elders??
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My life has magically changed for the better since I started playing the tuba. No joke. I practice every single day, then once a week, attend a band rehearsal.

If you are handy, see if you can find a knitting or sewing circle, pick up your handwork then potty talk begins, and zone into your needles. Lots of churches around here have groups that do caps or hats and scarves for babies.

Book club? Jewelry making?
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againx100 Aug 14, 2019
I should have my daughter teach me how to knit and start making things. Not a bad idea! I usually watch a couple of tv shows a day with mom and end up playing games on my phone too since, again, I'm bored.
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I have parked my mom in a rocking chair in the shade while I pull weeds or water my garden.  It gets her out of the house and I am taking care of business and don't have to have a direct conversation with her.  I have also put her in front of the TV to watch a lifetime movie or something while I deal with her laundry... etc.  And last but not least, I put her in the car, windows down and we go get an icecream cone and then we drive by the lake and thru fancy neighborhoods while eating our cones.  No conversation necessary! Just a few of my favorite pass times with mom.
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Kittybee Aug 15, 2019
This. Ways to be with mom without needing to talk is how I try to do it. Or if conversation is wanted because it's good for our elder, then changing the scene so there's something outside of themselves to see, think about, and talk about. It helps a lot!
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My solution for years has been a pet, if it can be managed. Is there one in the picture? It could be a godsend for you both. If she is mobile, she could feed it & give it love & care. If it’s a dog, someone will need to walk it. If it’s yours, you could bring it to visit her. I hope you might be able to consider this - it has saved my life!
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Oh dear - it is hard isn’t it ? Unfortunately pains and how often peeing have become the focus of your mums life. My mum used to be in agony - and their doorways weren’t very wide. So I got a computer chair and pushed her from room to room in that. Despite knowing what I was doing I’d ask her opinion re what vegetables to use for the meals and get her doing what she could. I’d ask her names of the flowers in the garden. Recount funny times we’d had and provide clues for her to recall some memories. Sure, I’d heard them before but it still changed the topic. Crosswords we’d do together - my giving more clues till the answer came.

With my dad, as he liked doing things but couldn’t remember how to mostly, I’d deliberately pop out a lens of my sunglasses and ask him to fix it back in for me. Just needed a bit of pressure. But if he couldn’t it didn’t matter - just kept him busy for a bit. I’d get peas to shell, and we would chat about the large garden he had before and the wine he’d made. Sure I knew it but sometimes a new memory would surface for him.

Distraction therapy of past hobbies and interests helped quite a bit initially. But even these have their limits. If they’ve truly lost interest.

Dad enjoyed my taking him to the pub for Sunday meal. The locals were great and helped him do crosswords etc whilst having a chat. It got he was more concerned about certain kind locals being there when he was than whether I would be around - and I was the one taking him lmao! But that provided a focal point for him. They were great - stenching blood re falls - he was on warfarin. Yelling if he’d fallen in the loo so I could go sort it out .... whilst enabling me to have conversations with others too when there. ( er at the pub - not whilst in the loo!)

Befrienders are volunteers who can sit in with your mum whilst you have a short break - going shopping or to the gym.

Respite care is also invaluable whether day or over night or a few days. It’s good idea to start it so that in the event you need a few days urgently for something they already know how to cater for her needs.

Baring that, try talking to her of your interests, goals, achievements and dreams - hard if they are disinterested but still a topic more of interest to you. Show her old family photos and see if she remembers everyone/events.

I had a freezer full of peeled potatos, carrots, shelled peas, apple sauce - some of which I used in meals but they could peel/ shell more than they could eat!

I’m so sorry as it’s frustrating but I hope you can find a solution that works for you both for a while. It’s an ever changing situation - just as you sort one issue out or make it bearable - it alters or another crops up!

It can help if you see how many many times you can get your mum to laugh or smile at something each day. I found I focussed on that rather the number of repeated comments....

Best of luck and and hope you manage to get to the gym regularly soon.
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Kittybee Aug 15, 2019
You're a great example of resourcefulness and cheerfulness. It can be hard, no question, but if you can make the whole thing into a big project you're doing for yourself - not just for the elders! - that you're learning new skills and getting better at finding solutions to problems - then it becomes a game and an accomplishment that you can see at the end of each day: okay, this and that went really well. Maybe tomorrow I'll try X or Y.
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I got myself an iPad Pro 12+" - it was my 3rd iPad as I use a Mini for reading and had an iPad Air for gaming but the screen was too small for the adventure games.

It was almost $1000 but it saved my sanity. I was eating out of boredom and, in fact, put back 50 lbs during my Caregiving of my DH. The tablets were kept charged as I was always running one down. I had to "live" in the living-room with DH once he was unable to use our bed/bedroom and was pretty much living in my sleep-chair. He was happy that I found a way to be with him 24/7 and told me he was glad I bought the iPad Pro. It made his last year a lot easier on my nerves.

During this time, I had to help my DH to void, holding the urinal and supporting him at the same time. I'd gladly do it all again to still have him with me.
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I go through it too. Don’t have an answer as I am in the middle of it. I feel others who have come out of it, caregiving behind them, will have more wisdom.

Having said them, I share your pain! I truly empathize with you. Hugs!
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OUTSIDE, go outside into sunshine. Dig a garden, drop seeds into ground...Think about what homesteaders did.
Make a clothing line hang up sheets. Sun is a natural anti-bacterial.
If you're truly bored grab an old fashioned wash board... and fels-neptha bar laundry soap, to wash your white socks back to being white, The results are quite gratifying (Fels-neptha laundry soap is Dial brand bar soap technically or its sold under its original fels name in the laundry section of your local grocery, or Amazon,com.)
Conversations must center around things that are happening now, current events, etc., otherwise thoughts loop around stuff that is happening in the immediate area.
Purchase paint, and repaint your walls...
You mentioned the gym. GO, to that gym.

It's time to get old-fashioned with yourself. There's always stuff to do.
If you get up to do something she says anything similar to... "sit down, all you do is run around"....you'll be outside...
You must physically remove yourself from her area...Watching TV is a waste of life and depressing, it's time to quit that...You're turning into your mother, by not, as you wrote, "getting to the root of problems to FIX them. Soooo you're doing that by coming here and not being your mother who, "wants to complain and wish her troubles away." Ugh, go outside....
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cherokeegrrl54 Aug 15, 2019
So very true!!! And i love that laundry soap!! Nothing wrong with doing things the old fashioned way!!! I miss having my garden!!!
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Good ideas. I actually do a LOT of gardening, weeding, harvesting, cutting the grass with a push mower, etc. etc.

But, I guess I need to pull myself up by my bootstraps and get my butt in gear and do more. Maybe I'm a little apathetic these days, not depressed but having a hard time motivating.

I have some food projects to do. Like zucchini bread. Canning pickles. Etc. Frankly, I kind of avoid the kitchen and hide in my room because she can drive me nuts when I'm trying to get things done in the common area. I guess I should learn to be a little more gracious and not let her questions annoy me so much that I avoid them as much as possible.

I'm going to make a list of things that I think will improve this situation, starting with some of the great advice from the great peeps here!
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HVsdaughter Aug 15, 2019
Common area, as in "open floor plan"? I so despise this open plan, and ours has an echo-y vaulted ceiling and laminate floors, no less. I would love to "escape" to a closed kitchen and turn on the radio and cook and bake and can to my hearts content IN PRIVACY. :( As someone mentioned, we become the center of our LO's world and they the center of ours.
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If you are able to get out, even to shop, look for opportunities to make someone else smile. Perhaps tell someone how "nice they look in that color" or compliment a man's interesting necktie. Especially if the people you speak to are older and alone, it will make the day for both of you.
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