Am I being selfish in asking Mum to move?

Selfish, no. Controlling, yes. Only wives get pensions, so she can forget that. Whether or not she gets the house, who knows unless they see his Will. Let her make her own choices until she is in harm's way.

Pam said it better than I could. I agree. (I'd have taken three paragraphs,) good luck.

You are right! You NEED to be controlling! I would hire an attorney to help you step in to the situation, though. An attorney can guide your next move and present a sensible plan to protect you and your mother. There are lawyers that specialize in elder law. Questions arise like, Do they live in a "common-law" state? The boyfriend can change the will at any moment. It happens all the time. Old people think,"What have you done for me lately?"
You are good to persevere.

H*ll no, you're not being selfish. But will she move out willingly or will it be a huge battle?

Pam - Part of his pension goes into an annuity. My apologies for wording that poorly. She is to receive the portion of his pension that he has placed into that annuity. The paperwork could be easily changed with his daughter's assistance, which his daughter would be more than happy to help him do if it meant she receives the funds. He refuses to allow Mum to see his will. His daughter has that in her possession. Were I not here to care for her, he would have placed Mum in a NH or AL, and then he'd discover she's hiding her own annuity from him. I am letting her make her own choices. I'm simply not comfortable with her choice to not care how much stress she places on me by insisting I care for her 24/7 in the home of a man who despises me. By living there, I inevitably end up taking care of him also. So yes, I suppose I am being controlling ... of what I am willing to tolerate.

Boss - Yes, this is a common law state, but neither my mum or her boyfriend have ever represented themselves as being married. If the boyfriend decides to get ugly, he could insist on a legal divorce, but I highly doubt he wants to spend the money on that. He would prefer I move her out of his home to care for her. As much as he likes my cooking, doing his laundry, paying the bills, etc., he doesn't like the nurses and maid parading through his house, and Mum grates on his nerves. I think an elder care attorney is the best idea. She'll be more receptive to his/her input, as I don't ever seem to give her the legal advice she wants to hear..Thank you!

Windy - She's waffling. She says she's willing to move, but then she's afraid she'll lose her boyfriend's house and money. I believe quality of life is more important than quantity. She's extremely materialistic, so my definition of "quality" and hers are not the same. Her primary care physician has already told her she needs to forget about the house and money, move out and let me take care of her, as she cried to him one day because her boyfriend is "an alcoholic and mean".

I think your Mom is being selfish expecting you to take care of her while she is living in an environment that is so hostile and unpleasant for you. She's not guaranteed the house or the pension no matter what she does, so it doesn't even make sense for her to stay where she doesn't seem to even be wanted.

That said, I don't see why you let her put you in such a difficult position. If I were you, I would agree to take care of her only if she moves to an environment that's more conducive to you providing help. Your choice is not where she lives. Your choice is to help her or not help her. If you give up your choice, that doesn't obligate her to give up hers.

Carla - Thank you!! Guess I was looking for some support here and confirmation I'm not crazy. I only have one friend who can somewhat relate to what I'm going through, as her adult son is autistic. The only other real input I hear is the voice in my own head and that of my mum, who keeps telling me I'm being selfish. I came to help her get through her cancer treatments. It was suppose to be temporary. Now we've learned she has 20+ tumors in one lung, showing some signs of dementia, and will never regain her independence.

Paisley, are you in touch with your mother's medical team? I'm just trying to imagine what they would think of her home care arrangements. If you're not, call your local social services for adults and get help from them. Best of luck. And, by the way, there is nothing selfish or uncaring about anything you have done in such hostile circumstances. I'm sorry for your mother's troubles, but I'm sorrier for yours.

Mouse - Yes, very much so. Her primary care physician knows all of us personally, he is aware of the situation, and he's told her to move.

Crumbs.

Well, look. The reasons for her moving out are that she needs proper accommodation where she can be cared for, and those very good reasons are advocated by you, who are doing the caring, and her own doctor, who can't be very impressed that his work is being daily undermined by her living conditions.

The reasons for not moving out, on the other hand, are that she doesn't want to spend her own income on her own accommodation - I'm guessing that she must appreciate that the speculative inheritances (apart from being speculative i.e. dodgy) are not likely to be an issue, if I can put it like that? - and, perhaps, that she's comfortable with this volatile, destructive and rather ill-defined 20 year relationship and is reluctant to admit defeat?

Apart from the obvious things like not having a bed, does her being in this place create any practical problems for you? Would you prefer her to be nearer to you, or are your efforts to make her comfortable sabotaged, anything like that? The reason I ask is that I'm not sure it's worth the enormous trouble you'd have to get her out of there, coupled with the blame and resentment she would be sure to level at you to the end if you did succeed. I don't need to get insulting towards her about it: you have with remarkable moderation recognised your mother's problematic personality and behaviour and are clearly determined to help her as well as she will allow you to in spite of that. So you'll have to work with the unsatisfactory conditions she has imposed on herself, at least until her hand is forced by illness - at which time you delegate her practical care to health and social services and confine your caregiving to emotional support. If she were my responsibility, I'd say the sooner the better, too.

Frankly, if you washed your hands and walked away, I still don't think anyone here would call it selfish. Any help or support you continue to offer speaks highly for your good and non-judgemental heart.

Mouse - I wouldn't say the boyfriend undermines my efforts, but he's definitely more of a hindrance than a help. The few times I've needed to leave the property without Mum in tow, he's retreated to his barn (about 200 yeards from the house), leaving her alone for hours. She's a fall risk. He didn't give her her meds, and he didn't feed her. Had something happened, he wouldn't have even been aware, and he wouldn't have been able to drive her to the hospital, as he begins drinking alcohol between 9am and 11am. They live in an extremely rural area, so an ambulance takes about 20 minutes to arrive. He explained, "I'm not going to allow her to dictate to me how I live my life. I'm 83 years old. If I want a drink, I'm going to have a drink. If I want to go to town, I'm going to go to town. I never agreed to any of this. She was suppose to take care of me as I get older."

I think the best thing I can do at this point is simply tell her that I'm willing to care for her in my home, if she'd be willing to live there and pay half the bills (which are far far less than the cost of an ALF or a NH). This would also give her the added benefit of being closer to my daughter and grandson; the only other family she has that might be willing to repair and rebuild a relationship with her. Otherwise, she can continue to live here and fend for herself on a daily basis, and I'll visit every other weekend, continue to manage her medications, doctor appts, in-home healthcare, finances, etc.I'll still be accused of being selfish, but it will be her own decision to move, albeit a forced one due to the circumstances. As long as I'm sitting here in their home, she feels no real need or urgency to move or make any decisions. I'll also inform her primary care physician of what I'm doing. He'll likely have her situation evaluated, and someone else will give her the options of moving in with me or moving into an ALF.

Thank you to everyone for your input. I needed a good sounding board. Being in Mum's home isn't healthy for me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I read posts from other people here, and I don't know how they keep their sanity. I know it's common among caregivers, but I'm overwhelmed and stressed and tired and I cry every day. If I'm going to commit myself to caregiving for the remainder of Mum's life, I need my friends and family around me for support and distraction. I can live with Mum believing I'm selfish. I can't live in isolation in a hostile environment with no help or support outside her doctor and home health care workers. I just can't.

Ohmygod you're actually living with them???

Get out at once. That is above and beyond the call of any duty. And won't do anything to budge your mother, what's more. Make a plan to leave, give her the ultimatum, and leave.

I am. Leaving is in the works. Thank you!

Your plan above is right, Living there is intolerable. She is pretty codependent, which is not healthy.

"Being in Mum's home isn't healthy for me physically, mentally, or emotionally"

Absolutely! Let us know how your plans work out. The sooner the better.

Selfish, no but if mom is capable to making her decisions then she may not want to move, at least it sounds that way from your post. Contact your local area agency on aging and ask about their in home programs; if they are eligible they can receive some in home assistance such as personal care and chore services. You can talk with your mom and tell her your concerns-it has to be her decision to move or not. I understand your concerns and I agree the situation isn't the best. Good luck.

You are (your words): Embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, despised, obligated, been treated badly, not comfortable: Isn't that enough without adding "selfish", your Mom's words?
The boyfriend prefers she move out, the doctor says she should move out.
"She is to receive": Annuities and pensions are for retirement, they are both retired so why is she not receiving this annuity now? Have him assign it to her now.
Lead the way, you move out. You can visit mom. Mom's funds can be assigned to you as p.o.a, how much per night is the nearest motel room?
This advice is carefully considered from what you have written here. I am responding because you seem stuck and in denial about mom. If any of it is useful to you, then I am glad, but please don't feel you have to answer to me, it is your life. I would hope it improves for you. You are not selfish, loving, yes, you are that.

You cry every day. That is so appropriate and understandable for what they have put you through. Crying can help with any anxiety you may feel about the move. Try not to get tears on the moving boxes, and get help with the move when the boyfriend goes to town. Every blessing to you and your mum.

Can you call a local aging care oversight agency and have them do an in-home evaluation at her place after you return home? Explain that you cannot stay out of your home any longer and are willing to have her with you, but are concerned about her current living conditions.

Thank you everyone for the input. I am planning on moving out. I'll keep you all updated as things progress.

Oh, the boyfriend does not want her around as he thought that she would care for him? I bet he does not think that he is selfish at all... Please take care of yourself. It is your primary duty. If you are able to care for mom in your home, good for you, if you are not, it does not mean that you love her less.

An update on Mum: Her oncologist delivered the most unexpected and worst possible news on Thursday. Her radiation treatments didn't work. Her cancer has spread rapidly and moved into her lymph nodes. They're giving her 6 months to a year, and they've recommended hospice be brought in. Soooooo, I'll be staying here, regardless of how difficult it is, because it's temporary for me ... and it's all she has left.

Oh Paisley, I hope you are okay...Didn't realize Mum had a cancer diagnosis before.
No wonder she stayed...I bet she was sad and scared too.
Anyway. I pray for you ...that the coming months can be used to forgive and heal . No regrets k ??? Thinking of you . xo

paisley (((((hugs)))) I am sorry. It is pretty clear that you have to look after your mum. Hope the boyfriend does not become a problem. Hospice should be a big help. Keep posting.

I'm very sorry to hear that. How is she taking the news?

I'm going to get practical straight away, because you will need to. This terrible and frightening prognosis does, however, blow out of the water any reservations your mother might have about the boyfriend (I keep having to suppress the urge to put inverted commas round "friend", there, but let that pass) discovering the truth of her financial position. And I can't begin to imagine what hospice is going to make of the stress and sheer lack of comfort of her living arrangements. Why not see if you can find a short-term let on a nice, convenient apartment somewhere near medical facilities and get her in there in short order? She needs her energy for more important things than the war of attrition she's been losing, frankly, with this man for so many years; and you will have your work cut out with more important things than having to shrug off his constant obstructions and demands. Make the rest of her time as good as you can get it, starting with making life as manageable as possible for you.

Again, I'm very sorry for the challenges you and she are facing. Come back often and update us, please.

Sligo - I was my father's primary caretaker when he passed of exactly the same cancer, so this is all just a bit surreal. We truly believed that since we discovered her cancer still in stage 1 (we discovered my fahter's at stage 4), that she'd be able to beat it. Had no idea it was so aggressive, and the physicians gave me no clues (or I'm really good at being in denial, which is quite possible). It was suppose to be just a bump in the road, we'd get past it and move on to dealing with all those pesky problems that come with aging for the next 10-20 years. Thank you for the prayers. They are very much appreciated and welcomed.

Emjo - I sat down and talked to the boyfriend for a few hours yesterday. He seems to want to play nice right now, so I'll count my blessings for that.

Mouse - She is completely destroyed ... an emotional wreck. I like when people are straight forward, practical, and to the point. Thank you! You must see something coming down the pipe that I don't. Why would he discover her financial position? I handle all of their finances, as I've taken over everything Mum once did here. I don't foresee him being any the wiser, but I'm likely not thinking everything through. Please share with me what I am overlooking. I so completely agree with you about moving, but she's more insistant than ever that she wants to stay here and die here. Understandably, she's highly emotional and reactionary right now, so maybe she'll feel differently once she's digested and accepted the prognosis. For now, it seems to have reinforced her belief that she should have anything she wants from me. I'll give her some time before I broach the subject again, but she knows she has me over a barrel. She knows I won't abandon her. I sincerely hope that Hospice will become my ally in this, and maybe they'll be able to explain how beneficial her moving would be for her stress level. I'm calling Hospice and her PCP on Monday. I'll definitely keep everyone updated.

This site is such a wealth of support and knowledge. I'm so thankful I found it.

It's not so much that the BF will inevitably find out about her finances now, as that who cares if he does? Why does it matter any more? So her argument that moving anywhere and being revealed to have resources he doesn't currently know about is gone: that may be only one of her reservations, but it is a biggie - being rational (not to say cunning) rather than emotional.

The hospice team, and also possibly social workers at her oncologist's hospital?, were indeed the first people I'd have thought of turning to for back up. As for finding somewhere better to live, I'd go about it, find the place and more or less strong arm her into it if necessary - a more extreme form of not abandoning her, if you like, in that you will be effectively picking her up and taking her with you. How big a logistical operation would this be? And would Mr Nicey-Nicey (all of a sudden - I give it a fortnight) help or hinder?

Aahhh yes. I understand. I can't imagine why it would matter what he knows at this point, but I'll leave that up to her. It's not my place to enlighten him.

Her oncology team is 150 miles away. The current logistics of getting her back and forth are a nightmare, not to mention a heavy financial burden. Since she's chosen no further treatment (as the option was a possible clinical trial), I see no benefit of moving her closer to her oncology team. That was going to be my winning point when she started chemo ... that it simply didn't make sense financially to spend thousands traveling back and forth, and she'd not feel well enough to travel. Now it's just a matter of having her PCP refer her to one of the hospice groups. I'm hoping they'll not like what they see when they come into her home. I think it's my only hope at this point.

What are you able to find out about locally available palliative care? Will it be up to the mark, do you think? It's just that I'd have expected a good oncology unit also to have close links with specialist hospice teams - your mother may not think she'll need their expertise, but it's actually you who'll be relying on them both for practical nursing and for emotional support.

150 miles???!!! I'm still having to get my head round US distances. If I go 150 miles in most directions I end up in an ocean. Or France. Don't know where I'd be more at sea...

There are several Hospice groups to choose from. I should hope that at least one is specialized. I'll contact the oncologist she started seeing locally when we began this journey. I'm sure he'll know.

150 miles is just the closest major city here. It's Texas. We think nothing of driving 50 miles each way just to get to and from work each day.

Mom is being unrealistic about the money and house to say the least. Boyfriend is likely to give it all to daughter and is hiding the will for that reason ... and I was about to write, "not to be too harsh, but she is the one needing more care, and is not as likely to outlive boyfriend as she thinks!" before I read the recent cancer diagnosis. I am so sorry. Please, please, please, at this point, do whatever gives Mom the best quality of life and you the best memories of your remaining time together. Unless this has made boyfriend have a total change of heart, there may be a residential hospice program that might be a lot nicer than what she is going through that would be far more welcoming of you, far more comforting for her, and able to care for her when you need to be away.