Am I being selfish in asking Mum to move?

I think your Mom is being selfish expecting you to take care of her while she is living in an environment that is so hostile and unpleasant for you. She's not guaranteed the house or the pension no matter what she does, so it doesn't even make sense for her to stay where she doesn't seem to even be wanted.

That said, I don't see why you let her put you in such a difficult position. If I were you, I would agree to take care of her only if she moves to an environment that's more conducive to you providing help. Your choice is not where she lives. Your choice is to help her or not help her. If you give up your choice, that doesn't obligate her to give up hers.

Crumbs.

Well, look. The reasons for her moving out are that she needs proper accommodation where she can be cared for, and those very good reasons are advocated by you, who are doing the caring, and her own doctor, who can't be very impressed that his work is being daily undermined by her living conditions.

The reasons for not moving out, on the other hand, are that she doesn't want to spend her own income on her own accommodation - I'm guessing that she must appreciate that the speculative inheritances (apart from being speculative i.e. dodgy) are not likely to be an issue, if I can put it like that? - and, perhaps, that she's comfortable with this volatile, destructive and rather ill-defined 20 year relationship and is reluctant to admit defeat?

Apart from the obvious things like not having a bed, does her being in this place create any practical problems for you? Would you prefer her to be nearer to you, or are your efforts to make her comfortable sabotaged, anything like that? The reason I ask is that I'm not sure it's worth the enormous trouble you'd have to get her out of there, coupled with the blame and resentment she would be sure to level at you to the end if you did succeed. I don't need to get insulting towards her about it: you have with remarkable moderation recognised your mother's problematic personality and behaviour and are clearly determined to help her as well as she will allow you to in spite of that. So you'll have to work with the unsatisfactory conditions she has imposed on herself, at least until her hand is forced by illness - at which time you delegate her practical care to health and social services and confine your caregiving to emotional support. If she were my responsibility, I'd say the sooner the better, too.

Frankly, if you washed your hands and walked away, I still don't think anyone here would call it selfish. Any help or support you continue to offer speaks highly for your good and non-judgemental heart.

Mouse - I wouldn't say the boyfriend undermines my efforts, but he's definitely more of a hindrance than a help. The few times I've needed to leave the property without Mum in tow, he's retreated to his barn (about 200 yeards from the house), leaving her alone for hours. She's a fall risk. He didn't give her her meds, and he didn't feed her. Had something happened, he wouldn't have even been aware, and he wouldn't have been able to drive her to the hospital, as he begins drinking alcohol between 9am and 11am. They live in an extremely rural area, so an ambulance takes about 20 minutes to arrive. He explained, "I'm not going to allow her to dictate to me how I live my life. I'm 83 years old. If I want a drink, I'm going to have a drink. If I want to go to town, I'm going to go to town. I never agreed to any of this. She was suppose to take care of me as I get older."

I think the best thing I can do at this point is simply tell her that I'm willing to care for her in my home, if she'd be willing to live there and pay half the bills (which are far far less than the cost of an ALF or a NH). This would also give her the added benefit of being closer to my daughter and grandson; the only other family she has that might be willing to repair and rebuild a relationship with her. Otherwise, she can continue to live here and fend for herself on a daily basis, and I'll visit every other weekend, continue to manage her medications, doctor appts, in-home healthcare, finances, etc.I'll still be accused of being selfish, but it will be her own decision to move, albeit a forced one due to the circumstances. As long as I'm sitting here in their home, she feels no real need or urgency to move or make any decisions. I'll also inform her primary care physician of what I'm doing. He'll likely have her situation evaluated, and someone else will give her the options of moving in with me or moving into an ALF.

Thank you to everyone for your input. I needed a good sounding board. Being in Mum's home isn't healthy for me physically, mentally, or emotionally. I read posts from other people here, and I don't know how they keep their sanity. I know it's common among caregivers, but I'm overwhelmed and stressed and tired and I cry every day. If I'm going to commit myself to caregiving for the remainder of Mum's life, I need my friends and family around me for support and distraction. I can live with Mum believing I'm selfish. I can't live in isolation in a hostile environment with no help or support outside her doctor and home health care workers. I just can't.

Pam said it better than I could. I agree. (I'd have taken three paragraphs,) good luck.

Ohmygod you're actually living with them???

Get out at once. That is above and beyond the call of any duty. And won't do anything to budge your mother, what's more. Make a plan to leave, give her the ultimatum, and leave.

paisley (((((hugs)))) I am sorry. It is pretty clear that you have to look after your mum. Hope the boyfriend does not become a problem. Hospice should be a big help. Keep posting.

I'm very sorry to hear that. How is she taking the news?

I'm going to get practical straight away, because you will need to. This terrible and frightening prognosis does, however, blow out of the water any reservations your mother might have about the boyfriend (I keep having to suppress the urge to put inverted commas round "friend", there, but let that pass) discovering the truth of her financial position. And I can't begin to imagine what hospice is going to make of the stress and sheer lack of comfort of her living arrangements. Why not see if you can find a short-term let on a nice, convenient apartment somewhere near medical facilities and get her in there in short order? She needs her energy for more important things than the war of attrition she's been losing, frankly, with this man for so many years; and you will have your work cut out with more important things than having to shrug off his constant obstructions and demands. Make the rest of her time as good as you can get it, starting with making life as manageable as possible for you.

Again, I'm very sorry for the challenges you and she are facing. Come back often and update us, please.

Mom is being unrealistic about the money and house to say the least. Boyfriend is likely to give it all to daughter and is hiding the will for that reason ... and I was about to write, "not to be too harsh, but she is the one needing more care, and is not as likely to outlive boyfriend as she thinks!" before I read the recent cancer diagnosis. I am so sorry. Please, please, please, at this point, do whatever gives Mom the best quality of life and you the best memories of your remaining time together. Unless this has made boyfriend have a total change of heart, there may be a residential hospice program that might be a lot nicer than what she is going through that would be far more welcoming of you, far more comforting for her, and able to care for her when you need to be away.

Let us know what the outcome of the meeting/contact with the oncologist and whether s/he has a recommendation about what is best for your mum in terms of living arrangements. She may need more specialized care than is possible at her boyfriend's. I agree with vikki - whatever gives best quality of life for your mum. You will need some back up for time off for you.

I understand about the 50 miles. I live on the prairies. The nearest major centre is 5 hrs. drive (about 280 miles) away, We have done it there and back for an appointment though not often and not these days.

New update - Mum is now in Hospice care. After her evaluation today, the nurse told me that 6 months to a year was extremely optimistic. Realistically, Mum probably has around 3 months. They're delivering her hospital bed and other medical equipment tomorrow. She'll remain here, and I'll remain by her side. My head is still reeling.

Thank you for all the support and understanding and advice. Truly, it's a comfort to have found so many kind people who can relate to what I'm going through.