Am I being selfish in asking Mum to move?

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Mum lives and sleeps on her couch in the living room. Her boyfriend lives and sleeps on his bed in their bedroom. They've lived together for 20+ years, but they admittedly don't like each other any more. Her boyfriend has always despised me, and made his feelings very clear over the years. He's nice to me now because his daughter refuses to help either of them, and he can't care for himself entirely, much less care for my mum.

I want to move Mum out of his house. I feel taken advantage of after he's treated me so badly all these years (he's always been verbally and emotionally abusive towards me), and now being expected to care for him, when I only agreed to care for Mum. She's resisting the idea because she doesn't want to spend the money (she has hidden from him) in her annuity, and she's afraid that if she leaves, she won't get his house (he left half to her and half to his daughter) and his pension once he dies.

I've enrolled back in school online to finish up a degree, so I don't feel as if I'm completely stagnant in my own life. My degree will also allow me to work from home and bring in the income I'll need to continue caring for her once my 401K is depleted. I've rearranged my entire future to accommodate her.

A little further background: Mum has always lied about me, about my deceased father, about her family, etc. just to gain sympathy ... even from complete strangers. I still have no idea what she told her boyfriend about me (and the rest of my siblings) before I met him to make him despise me (and my siblings) so much. I've never attempted to repair the damage or correct her lies because I got tired of defending myself against my own mother. It's embarrassing and humiliating, and I'm ashamed of what she's done, yet I feel guilty for even telling people the truth about her.

Am I being selfish in asking her to move? And please don't tell me I shouldn't feel obligated to care for her. No matter what she's done, she's still my mum, and I don't have much family left, and I love her, even when I don't like her much.

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((((((Paisley)))))). I am so sorry, As cm says, this is shocking news. My heart goes out to you.

Please do look after you. Find some help as you will need some breaks. Check with hospice as to what they offer and keep us updated.
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Paisley, make sure *you're* being taken care of, too. Keep coming back. I'm sorry for the shocking news - it gives you no time to adjust. Hugs x
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New update - Mum is now in Hospice care. After her evaluation today, the nurse told me that 6 months to a year was extremely optimistic. Realistically, Mum probably has around 3 months. They're delivering her hospital bed and other medical equipment tomorrow. She'll remain here, and I'll remain by her side. My head is still reeling.

Thank you for all the support and understanding and advice. Truly, it's a comfort to have found so many kind people who can relate to what I'm going through.
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Let us know what the outcome of the meeting/contact with the oncologist and whether s/he has a recommendation about what is best for your mum in terms of living arrangements. She may need more specialized care than is possible at her boyfriend's. I agree with vikki - whatever gives best quality of life for your mum. You will need some back up for time off for you.

I understand about the 50 miles. I live on the prairies. The nearest major centre is 5 hrs. drive (about 280 miles) away, We have done it there and back for an appointment though not often and not these days.
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Mom is being unrealistic about the money and house to say the least. Boyfriend is likely to give it all to daughter and is hiding the will for that reason ... and I was about to write, "not to be too harsh, but she is the one needing more care, and is not as likely to outlive boyfriend as she thinks!" before I read the recent cancer diagnosis. I am so sorry. Please, please, please, at this point, do whatever gives Mom the best quality of life and you the best memories of your remaining time together. Unless this has made boyfriend have a total change of heart, there may be a residential hospice program that might be a lot nicer than what she is going through that would be far more welcoming of you, far more comforting for her, and able to care for her when you need to be away.
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There are several Hospice groups to choose from. I should hope that at least one is specialized. I'll contact the oncologist she started seeing locally when we began this journey. I'm sure he'll know.

150 miles is just the closest major city here. It's Texas. We think nothing of driving 50 miles each way just to get to and from work each day.
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What are you able to find out about locally available palliative care? Will it be up to the mark, do you think? It's just that I'd have expected a good oncology unit also to have close links with specialist hospice teams - your mother may not think she'll need their expertise, but it's actually you who'll be relying on them both for practical nursing and for emotional support.

150 miles???!!! I'm still having to get my head round US distances. If I go 150 miles in most directions I end up in an ocean. Or France. Don't know where I'd be more at sea...
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Aahhh yes. I understand. I can't imagine why it would matter what he knows at this point, but I'll leave that up to her. It's not my place to enlighten him.

Her oncology team is 150 miles away. The current logistics of getting her back and forth are a nightmare, not to mention a heavy financial burden. Since she's chosen no further treatment (as the option was a possible clinical trial), I see no benefit of moving her closer to her oncology team. That was going to be my winning point when she started chemo ... that it simply didn't make sense financially to spend thousands traveling back and forth, and she'd not feel well enough to travel. Now it's just a matter of having her PCP refer her to one of the hospice groups. I'm hoping they'll not like what they see when they come into her home. I think it's my only hope at this point.
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It's not so much that the BF will inevitably find out about her finances now, as that who cares if he does? Why does it matter any more? So her argument that moving anywhere and being revealed to have resources he doesn't currently know about is gone: that may be only one of her reservations, but it is a biggie - being rational (not to say cunning) rather than emotional.

The hospice team, and also possibly social workers at her oncologist's hospital?, were indeed the first people I'd have thought of turning to for back up. As for finding somewhere better to live, I'd go about it, find the place and more or less strong arm her into it if necessary - a more extreme form of not abandoning her, if you like, in that you will be effectively picking her up and taking her with you. How big a logistical operation would this be? And would Mr Nicey-Nicey (all of a sudden - I give it a fortnight) help or hinder?
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Sligo - I was my father's primary caretaker when he passed of exactly the same cancer, so this is all just a bit surreal. We truly believed that since we discovered her cancer still in stage 1 (we discovered my fahter's at stage 4), that she'd be able to beat it. Had no idea it was so aggressive, and the physicians gave me no clues (or I'm really good at being in denial, which is quite possible). It was suppose to be just a bump in the road, we'd get past it and move on to dealing with all those pesky problems that come with aging for the next 10-20 years. Thank you for the prayers. They are very much appreciated and welcomed.

Emjo - I sat down and talked to the boyfriend for a few hours yesterday. He seems to want to play nice right now, so I'll count my blessings for that.

Mouse - She is completely destroyed ... an emotional wreck. I like when people are straight forward, practical, and to the point. Thank you! You must see something coming down the pipe that I don't. Why would he discover her financial position? I handle all of their finances, as I've taken over everything Mum once did here. I don't foresee him being any the wiser, but I'm likely not thinking everything through. Please share with me what I am overlooking. I so completely agree with you about moving, but she's more insistant than ever that she wants to stay here and die here. Understandably, she's highly emotional and reactionary right now, so maybe she'll feel differently once she's digested and accepted the prognosis. For now, it seems to have reinforced her belief that she should have anything she wants from me. I'll give her some time before I broach the subject again, but she knows she has me over a barrel. She knows I won't abandon her. I sincerely hope that Hospice will become my ally in this, and maybe they'll be able to explain how beneficial her moving would be for her stress level. I'm calling Hospice and her PCP on Monday. I'll definitely keep everyone updated.

This site is such a wealth of support and knowledge. I'm so thankful I found it.
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