ATM card misuse by brother, any suggestions?

Keep enough money in the account for your mom's needs, and any money you think the brother is welcome to use as the caregiver.

Open a second account for just you and your mom, and control that money. Deposit a set amount in the first account on a regular basis, and let your brother know what you are doing.

You are very lucky to have the brother there to help with your mother. Another solution would be to move your mother to your city rather than 300 miles away.

Keep a detailed account of his financial offenses and when the time comes deduct it from his inheritance. Notify him now in writing that you are doing so.

This is a huge red flag for you. In our case, mom had dementia, two siblings lived out of state and brother was “helping out.” He started small, with mom writing him checks for a few hundred here and there. He got bolder as her dementia got worse and took her to her attorney for A new POA which gave him control over her checkbook and debit card but not her trust. He refused to provide further information to siblings about how he was spending Mom’s money. Before we found out what was actually happening he had drained her accounts of $50,000 and had approached the attorney about gaining control of the trust. While you still have POA, cancel her old bank account and get a new one (suspected financial fraud), one without an ATM card. Go to Social Security with mom and become her transfer payee, and finally, consult with an elder attorney who will help you establish guardianship and ask you for a full medical evaluation on the dementia. Please note the new attorney should never have given him the new POA because he later admitted she lacked the capacity to understand the change but he wouldn’t cancel the revised POA. Both siblings agreed a monthly stipend for his help would not have changed the outcome.

Well, your brother likely can't survive on his own. He is unlikely to be able to find a job that would pay him enough to live on his own. Now that he's taking care of mom, he won't be able to work. Parkinson's will eventually require 24/7 care. If you take her in with you, you will regret it unless you can afford to pay home care professionals to come in and help. And that is very expensive. Is your brother doing drugs or gambling? Or is he using the money for normal household expenses and personal needs? Eventually mom will require a nursing home though, your brother will not be able to handle the situation by himself. I would talk to him and start planning for that day. That means getting her finances in order and potentially planning to apply for Medicaid. Medicaid will look at the financial records, and if the withdrawls are small enough it won't be a problem, but if too much money was drained from her accounts, it might be a problem. So have that conversation. But if the amounts are small where it would seem to cover household expenses and basic needs, that is not a problem. Remember, this a symbiotic relationship.

Change the acct and give both an allowance. But let me tell you what happened in my case. Little Bro had mom sign the house over to him. He then kicked her out. Older bro bought her a mobile home which they placed next door on my sister's land. Bro continued to help himself to checks from the back of her checkbook, forging her name. SHE REFUSED TO PROSECUTE. Later house was lost in divorce to his ex-wife. More recently, it burned down. (she had died by this point.) It was many years of this mess before I was able to take over her remaining finances and her care. When my dad died, she had assets of half a million. When she died, she had $40,000 left.

Take away the card and send two checks a month one for brother and one for mother’s needs. Priority is mothers best interest, comfort and care no matter where she is.

Ironic and scary that this topic came up, As someone who went through something similar, keep a keen eye on your mom's finances. There is a very good chance he is financially exploiting her.

GardenArtist and notgoodenough, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can be extermely charming to get what they want.

Went through the same with my brother, difference he was not the caregiver I was. Before mom passed, he went to see her in the hospital, rehab facility, and promised to get more involved and help her out. He even cried when she was in the hospital.

Sadly it was an act. He started asking for money not long after she was in the rehab, He had no access to her bank card, but instead she would okay him to get a check for $600, just about every 2 weeks. He woud need her okay to endorse them, so he would come by the home, get a check, take it to the rehab and she was nice enough to sign for one. Guess what? as time went on he figured out he could ask for money, she would okay it, and he would not need to go see her, just get an endorsed check. He would always use the same line "the last time" and only after a short talk, would the asking for money be requested,

It stopped when he did not listen to his body, did not want to give up what he wanted to do and died of a heart attack.

So, Audrey84, see if you can get control of your mom's finances. If you can, you'll see how much your mom means to your brother, and be careful since he may "work" on you.

Even if brother needs to be paid, using an ATM card is the wrong way to achieve accountability. Your Mom needs more care, bring in caregivers as the first step.

Avoid trying to romanticize what brother is doing right:
"has done a much better job than expected with cooking, running errands, and lawn care. He makes sure she takes her medicine and encourages her to eat more." This will delay your taking action on your mother's behalf, imo. His theft is elder abuse, and he is likely bullying to get his way.

When this happened to my loved one, no one was able to stop the theft even after he (loved one) was moved away from a bad environment. It took a year + for my loved one to be able to use his own money, for his own needs.

It happens, when a bipolar or ADHD adult (son) is supported by parents, lives with them, and the parents age, they can become vulnerable and exploited by the person who could never handle money in the first place, thus the need to be supported by his parents. Not a viable choice as a caregiver to anyone. There could be more happening than is currently understood, including elder abuse, bullying, isolating the senior away from family, etc.

A strong person with POA should be able to act in the best interests of the elder. It was a war. Nothing legal could be done about the criminal living in his parent's house, believe it or not.

Years have gone by. The family's priority is always to see that the vulnerable elder is well taken care of, even from a distance.

(disclaimer: not everyone with ADHD or bipolar is a sociopath, or will run off with parent's money). Looking at the whole picture is helpful. Your brother may need to have some kind of care, supervision or board and care his whole life as a special needs person. If he could barely work all these years, and is dependent on Mom, he should not be put in a caregiving position, at all, and never in charge of any money. imo.

This advice comes from experience, sorry if the view from here is negative.

If you can handle and want her to live with you and your husband, you could look into Adult day care (if available to you now). They usually run from 9-3 and will pick up or arrange to pick up clients from their homes and to and from the facility.

It's a nice way to get out of the house and to mingle with others. Many, also have field trips and guest speakers to come in and give talks They can also have breakfast, lunch and a snack.

I’d monitor that POA and make sure it’s not changed by brother, stranger things have happened. How about setting up mom’s banking so that you can transfer money to her savings when it builds up to much at all so brother doesn’t get to spend a lot? You can set it up so that he can’t see what’s going on with savings or transfers. We have an adult son with a brain injury, he does work but has little understanding of money and using it wisely. I’m on his banking and regularly move money into his savings, he can’t see it. He happily debits wherever he goes, and can see his balance on his phone, but never has a lot to waste. If your brother is helping mom, using the debit card may be of benefit to you both, just needs to be overseen so the bulk of mom’s money is still there when she needs it

I've read your post twice, and still am drawn to a few conclusions and questions.

The consideration that he might be sociopathic and has no conscience makes me wonder about his doing a good job of caring for your mother.   I had experience over several years with someone who was clinically diagnosed as sociopathic, and observed that his "interaction" with people was always manipulative, never considerate as your brother seems to be.

So I wonder if you're misjudging him?

I also would ask the same question as Barb Brooklyn.   And are you certain that the funds he appears to be taken aren't consideration for his assistance?   Have you or your mother made provisions to compensate him?  I think's that's mandatory if your mother can afford it.  After all, he's providing care, and (I don't mean to be offensive) but apparently you're not.

Before reaching any conclusions, I'd politely discuss the withdrawals and get the real story on what's happening.   If your mother told him to take funds for her care, you'd be creating an unpleasant situation by accusing him.

And I think if you're thinking he could be arrested, you need to think about gathering all the documentation you can get, as the police will need to review it before even considering any action.

You wrote that discussing the issue has little effect; from my experience and the standpoint of his being onsite doing the work and you being out of the area and observing, I can easily understand he might resent your reviewing his actions.

Give this some thought and try to find a better way to approach the issue, such as discussing compensation for him.  If that doesn't work, you can think about collecting documentation.

Why is he not being paid for his caregiving?

If you are financial POA and are handling all bills and all payments and financial needs there is no reason for your Mom to have an ATM card or a charge card or a debit card at all. You can have those cancelled. When I was POA for my brother he requested that all cards be changed and that I have POA over his accounts and bills and be made Trustee of his Trust. We then gave him a spending account that was all his. He went directly to the bank when he had a need. There were no ATM withdrawal, no debit card. Only the bank. You do not say your mother suffers from dementia. So this would only be done with her agreement and discretion, of course. Do know if your mother is of sound mind, then she does have a right to allow him to make withdrawals with her permission.

You yourself describe him as a sociopath, so based on that info:
How you deal with your brother's theft depends on what you want the outcome to be. If he is allowed to siphon off money unabated then one day you'll open your mom's account to see $00.00 in it. Then you will be forced to be her caregiver no matter how ill or demented she becomes since her "gifting" him money may cause her to not qualify for Medicaid, just for starters.

One other thing to consider: he may easily have her create a new durable PoA assigning him instead of you. This happens all too often. Unless your mom has a medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment in her records right now, this is a real possibility. Then he will cut you out and off completely as he drains her accounts and robs her assets and then dumps her on your doorstep when her usefulness is over. I'd gather the evidence of your brother's theft and bring it to an attorney or detective and put a stop to this before it's too late. Changing accounts is not enough and will just tip him off. I'd show up unannounced in person to check out what's actually going on over there. Bring your PoA paperwork with you. FYI if you both work full-time you won't be the best care providers for your mom as she declines. But that's a discussion for another day. Deal with your brother first and firmly, for everyone's sake. Good luck!

Does your Bro have a caregiver agreement that he gets paid to take care of her? You say he does a "much better job" than expected.. so that is good.. right? Is he taking a lot of money,, or just a bit for his expences? If his withdrawals are small, or could be for her errands and things like his gas, I might let this go. If he buying a new car or drugs I would not. As to the car,, if he is living with her, and (maybe ) not getting paid.. I would be OK with too. We need a bit more information here.