ATM card misuse by brother, any suggestions?

I would immediately report him to the credit card company and cancel the cards if you have a POA. Do NOT get another credit card. Have him send YOU the bills and you pay them out of a checking account specifically set up for that purpose with YOUR name on it FOR HER NEEDS.

OMG!! You most report him to the police they will discuss this with him, maybe he will be scared in to stopping this form of abuse. He needs to leave and no your mum does not have to go to a nursing home, she can have care at home. Contact Adult Services explain your brother is financially abusing your mother and also tell them you want them to come in and do an assessment so you can get the right care for your mum. Get that man out of your mum's home!

For an emergency alert system, check out the Great Call Five Star thing that you can buy online or at Walmart. The great thing about them is there is no base in the house that determines how far the range is for the button to go. It is like a GPS and works anywhere she goes. (When I first got my mom one, she would go outside and from others I reviewed, it would have been possible to get out of range of the base unit indoors - meaning it would not work). It is also the most reason able in price.

The only downfall, is once the rechargeable battery quits working, you have to buy a new one. If it fails during the warranty period, they will replace it. Outside the warranty period, you buy a new one. I've done it both ways. The first one we had failed just short of warranty end date, no problem with them sending new one. The other one lasted about 4 years so we bought a new one. I highly recommend this unit. AARP magazine also recommends it. Great item.

Just as another thought, the 1099s for my uncle's caregivers were about $32,000 for one year. If your brother's expenses AND those of the caregivers you need to hire would be in that range, it might be "normal." (We are in So Cal, so costs may vary in other areas.)

Lots of great advise here already. Since you said praise works well for brother would making a bigger part of things also work? Sit down with brother and mother and go over how things are set up and that because you want to make sure mother can stay home and get the care she needs and because you need to make sure things are done right you want to make a contract to reward brother for his service. 

Ask the local Elder Services to come and do an evaluation on mom so you know what her needs are. Ask brother what of those needs he can take responsibility for and how much time they would take. Then figure out what it would cost to have an agency cover those needs. An agency will not cover her house upkeep or yard work including snow removal so brother would need to be compensated for those chore services. Factor in that he is also “on-call” overnight and that should cover the compensation for his room. He needs to be there just in case she needs him, if you had to pay for an overnight Aide it would be far more that what “rent” he isn’t paying. In the contract lay out what is expected, when is he expected to be with her as opposed to time for him to do whatever. 

Pay him for his time, you it means that there will be an employee/employer relationship and taxes that will need to be paid but it will be an accounting for monies given to him. Don’t dwell on what has happened in the past, just from now forward. 

Does he help her with her medications? In our area medications must be handled by a Skilled Nurse (RN). Just to sort medication into the pill box is $90.00 a visit. If they administer the medication on a regular basis it is $56.00 a visit.

Now as for the car. How would she get to appointments without it? Does he take her with him when shopping is done? What would it cost to have her transported by a local Cabulance, would you need to have an Aide accompany her to her appointments? What would be your expense to take time off, travel to mother and attend her appointment with her? I have a cousin who has let her caregiver take her car and use it for the last couple of years. Caregiver does not live with cousin and does not assist cousin daily. She does either does the shopping or takes cousin to the store and assists with shopping, takes her to all medical and therapy appointments. While cousin can still drive and has a valid license she chooses not to so the arrangement works for them. It should be part of the contract that while brother has use of the car he is responsible for any tickets he gets or they will deducted from his earnings as a line item.

You have to determine what is going to work best for you on the bank account/ATM issue. Right now I am working to help our son catch up and pay off his student loans. He has is paycheck direct deposited into an account with both our names on it. He has determined how much $ he needs for a week and I withdraw that amount in cash (he hates banks). The rest goes into a savings account and payment for his loan is taken from there. I track any additional expenses all week and on Wednesday (payday) make a transfer from his savings to cover those with notes as to what was paid.

Audrey, does your brother have a disability? Is this why he isn’t working and getting welfare and living in your moms basement?

What is your brother going to do when his mom dies? Trust me it's going to happen, and he better start thinking about that. He needs to make SERIOUS choices now. It is a very ugly world we live in. And it takes a LOT of money to survive in it. No work = no money, and he has to learn to make his own money WITHOUT mom.

No one is going to want an older unemployed man.

I hope he's not drinking alcohol. That would put your mom in serious danger.

YOU CAN install cameras in her home so you can check on her remotely. I have cameras all over my house. When I took care of mom I had to go grocery shopping but I never left her alone any more than 20 minutes. Pick up groceries and straight back home. I kept my eyes on her with my cameras -- but I still was tethered to her since I was her life support.

I Agree with cancelling debit and credit cards. I would buy prepaid Visa and with the amount you control.
Then I would get another prepaid card for your Brother as caregiver to your Mom. That way you have control of what he spends.

Imho, consider what perhaps is the larger issue at hand, which is care for your mother if he will be longer be the caregiver due to misuse of mother's money.

First of all, you cannot get someone arrested for using a debit card that you gave the card, the pin, and -pretty much- authorization to make purchases. You could possibly change over to a credit card to pay for her purchases with a strict limit on cash w/drawals.

You start off saying he has done a good job caring for her and around the house. Also, that he never did work much. So, is he working at all right now to make some spending money?? If not, how much do you think your mom would be paying for all the time he DOES spend at home and handle the tasks that you mentioned. I mean, unless he is taking substantial amounts that exceed what he does for her, do you expect him to stay there without any cash in his pocket? Perhaps, you two could come up with an amount that would be agreeable for the tasks he takes care of - plus all of the hours in a day he spends in the house with her (including the nights).

People need a break. Maybe it would be possible to pay someone to come in for a few hours a day or so per week to let him get out, visit friends, go somewhere. Clearly she doesn't want to move and for now her care seems to be pretty much handled. Would you toss him out on his ear if you took her to your house after what he's handled thus far?

People living at a distance often fail to realize what it really is to live with someone and can be a little more critical when they aren't actively involved 24/7. I hope there is a way for you to make a deal with the brother so that mom can stay in her own home as long as possible. If you think he should be out earning his own money, his limits on care would be the same as your own - she would still be home alone for certain periods of time. You might also invest in a emergency response button and have her get in the habit of using it now. If he was out of the house (or even if living w/you) she could have access to emergency response.

AudreyB4;

I really think you need a combination of medical, legal and perhaps financial assistance to get this all set to avoid issues in the future! The sooner the better! What I want to cover will likely take multiple posts, so bear with me. The repercussions for not addressing any of these topics can/will be negative for her future. There's no way to predict how long she might live or what her future needs will be, so it will be very important for you to address all of these issues. Rather than make multiple individual posts, I will post each "topic" as a reply to this message.

To be covered, at a minimum:
Medical
Social Security
Legal/Compensation/IRS rules
Medicaid
Debit vs ATM

(the order may not match up to importance, so try to find/read/digest the Medical one first!)

You can go to the bank manager and have automatic withdraw from her banking account for her bills. So her hydro bill will automatically be paid for and your brother does not have to pay for it.

Then, figure out how much it cost in groceries and get her a gift card for that much and that is it.

The same goes for the car. Figure out how much money it costs for gas for a month and then get that much in a gift card.

If you can find a police officer or lawyer to sit down and talk with your brother ( make sure it is filmed for evidence )and explain to him that what he is doing is a crime and if there is any more of it he will be officially investigated.

That straightened out my family real quick.

They kept on promising to come down and do work if mom gave them money. Then they would find excuses for not doing the work. Finally she got fed up with it and informed them that I ( her primary care giver- live in care giver ) would be contacting the police if it continued. It promptly stopped.

If he decides to move out talk with your local health agency and Parkinson's Disease representatives in your area and they can arrange someone to do those jobs for your mom and well as have cognitive visits with volunteers.

Keep your Mother in her own home as long as possible. 

There is a certain comfort zone for her to see her things everywhere she expect them to be.  I have heard that when they are in their own home it slows the debilitation.

The problem with dementia is a certain restlessness of always wanting to go home.  The time will come when she will get her purse and say “I got to go home now”, she will repeat over and over and over and over.  If that time comes while she is in your home, you and your family will have no peace.

I know of a person placed in a nursing home was given, with authorization, sedation because of her determination to go home.

Well she has Parkinson’s
unfortunately that can slowly become worse.
You are 300 miles away and your brother is there every day. He does deserve some monetary compensation and car use , especially if he’s not getting paid for his services.
NJ will pay people to care for someone. I don’t know about your state.
Dont forget its your moms money and it should all be going for her care and we’ll being.
That said
Best to all of you

There are lots of necessary tasks that a paid 24/7 home care helper would not be required to do - like running errands and yard work. Does your mother drive? So, is she paying for car expenses - including insurance? Your brother is doing more than you think. And, you can probably trust him about as much as you can trust anyone.

Sounds like if he left, you would have to step in and do the cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc. Or you would have to pay someone. Maybe you need a contract between you, your mother, and your brother to define responsibilities and costs.

My cousin was doing grocery shopping for his mother and buying his own groceries as well. She didn't mind. My mother was her POA and noticed that he was taking upwards of $800/week for groceries. That money was going for alcohol and gambling addictions, with only about $100/week for groceries. Cousin was being enabled, and when told about it my aunt didn't really care. Unless Mom has severe dementia, she is the one you need to talk to about her finances. Brother may have problems and Mom may know and think she is taking care of him. Monitor and manage her money as recommended so she has what she needs. If you think she will have to move to be near you, do it sooner rather than later so that she can be a participant in the process. If she lives with you expect that you will need in-home support as well as adult daycare (most of which is currently closed). Best of luck!

Appreciate your brother, and speak to him with appreciation when you have a financial discussion with him. Ask his opinion on what is needed, and what mom's expenses are. Take the approach that he is doing a great job, and that his time and care are valued.

Do you have monthly visits of several days' duration with your mom? That might help you better understand the situation and stay connected. Having your mom move in with you down the line might be much more challenging and time-consuming than you expect. You want the best for her, of course.

Where is the money coming from? Is there a high balance in the account, or is this coming in monthly for retirement? Are there minimum IRA distributions?

Rather than closing your mom's account or canceling the debit cards, you can open a new interest-bearing savings account with yourself and mom. You can then move funds over to cover future care, taxes, medical bills, and so forth. The expenses will go up, so start setting aside funds now.

Leave a generous monthly amount in the account to cover both your mom and your brother's expenses including extra discretionary funds. Get your brother's input on what is needed for the two of them. He will explain it, and he may come up with a relatively low amount.

Make sure he understands that the budget must cover the utilities (on auto-pay), property taxes and so forth as you determine. Then add a generous amount to that, and then let him continue to manage it and use the debit card. You should be able to monitor this by viewing the account, and by receiving notifications of withdrawls. Most debit cards will not work if there is no cash in the account. You can also choose to pay larger amounts like property tax out of the savings account.

This way your brother continues to manage and spend, but the budget is built in, and he will hopefully not feel micromanaged. You will also hopefully prevent a situation that screams distrust of your brother, which canceling the debit card would do. Keep the trust. You have a long road ahead.

Also--who is going to look after your brother when your mom is gone? Perhaps some planning should be done in that area too.

Best of luck with getting a smooth road in place.

I am an at home caregiver for my mom. Last year one of my brothers accused me of financial elder abuse and I was investigated by the state. We had an accountant who was handling my mom’s accounts, but I have use of her debit card. The accountant and I had set up a small salary that I am paid every two weeks.

My brother was upset that I was being paid. Having a third party handling the finances is a good way to protect yourself and give your brother accountability. I have POA, so I was the one that had put all of this in place, but it has proven to be worth the extra expense.

What is your brother using the money for? Is he getting cash or buying groceries and supplies for your mom, or going out and using the money on himself?

I had instituted an envelope/ receipt system when I moved in with my mom full time and have one envelope for receipts for things directly related to mom’s care, one for mom’s personal use (hair dresser, take out, treats) and one of what my husband and I spend towards the up keep of the house and things we buy for mom. This system worked beautifully when I was being investigated bc I was able to produce all the receipts and my brothers and the investigator both were surprised where the “misused monies” actually went. It also helps a lot when it comes to tax time bc there were things that could be deducted we were unaware of for mom.

I would highly recommend doing a caregiver agreement with your brother which states how much he is supposed to stay with your mom a day.

Also, set up a salary for his services. I make $700 every two weeks, an amount I chose, and I am a 24/7 caregiver.

Also, work out a way to have someone come in for four or eight hours a week to stay with your mom to give your brother a designated time off.

This will make him feel both more accountable to your mother and reinforce that you appreciate what he is doing. Psychologically, this is a big deal to the caregiver.

No matter how you feel about your brother and his mental health there is a big impact and a major commitment on his part to follow your mother’s wishes. You are both part of team Mom, but it does sound like there are mechanisms that can be put into place to make it an even stronger team.

Have you spoken with your mother since you said your not sure whether she forgets to get the ATM card back or doesn't want to ask for it back?

She may have said to your brother he can use it to cover his expenses since he's caring for her or she may not care that he uses it because he's her son.

You need to have a conversation with your mom while your brother is out and about.You'll have clarity and be able to proceed accordingly if warranted.

Agree with what other's have said about caregiver's agreement. Whether you think he's a sociopath or not, he's on call 24/7 and that is a burden that is so easy for those at a distance to take for granted. You and hubby work full time and you have no idea what your lives would be like while you happily now contemplate having mom come live with you. If your POA is for financial which I suspect, then if there is serious misuse of funds you could have a primary and secondary account where they might be an auto transfer so that there would be a limit remaining in the one with the ATM card affiliated. But imo it would be a darn shame if your doing that resulted in there not being enough for groceries or the gas for the car your brother is driving to get your mom out and to appointments.
You might want to consider purchasing gift cards for the places most frequented. And if you don't mind my saying so, you ought to consider yourself very lucky to have your brother not "work much" so he can be so accessible and available for your mother. Do you have any idea of how much hiring a caregiver is? Figure $20/hr minimum. I wouldn't fault him for going out once in a while either. And to have meals prepared and lawn care too? Tally it up and it may not come up to whatever he is taking. Is he on disability? He may potentially be eligible or for other sources of support as well. And you might want to educate yourself on the adult child exception when it comes to Medicaid if one needs to be in a nursing home.
You are lucky to have him. Hiring privately or through an agency, or taking on caregiving yourself is no picnic and has stress and hassles you can't even imagine.

Reconsider your position in this. If he was not around, an Aid carr at home through a qualified agency is about $27 and hour so even 8 hours a day per month is over $6,000 per month and 24 hour care at home is huge.
If anyone should be arrested it may be you for taking financial advantage of him! I think you should agree on an hourly rate for him.

There are a couple additional questions I believe should be asked to give a better understanding of the situation, as some of the previous comments suggest the situation is bad while others indicate it's basically a symbiotic one.

1) The OP said the brother takes in the range of $300 to $800 a week. If his mother is living on SS or little more than that, then this amount is serious. However, if the mother receives, let's say, $10K per month (or has a substantial portfolio), then this amount isn't as serious in the scheme of things. We need to know a bit more to put this into perspective. If his mother is well-off financially, then the bigger issue is whether the brother would be tempted to do something that would "steal the goose" instead of just taking a few "golden eggs"--this, of course, could make his mother go from never needing to consider Medicaid to ending up needing it but unable to get it due to what would be interpreted as "gifting".

2) It was mentioned that the brother had been in jail a few times. Were any of these incarcerations due to acts of dishonesty? Did he have any issues with addictions such as drugs, alcohol or gambling, or was he ever convicted for selling drugs? If he were put out and made to support himself, it may be that his record effectively makes him unemployable, or at least unable to obtain a job by which he could afford to support himself on his own income.

I agree that there need to be some serious discussions regarding the situation so everyone knows what's permitted and what isn't, how much money he should be given and for what reasons (such as a caregiving contract if it is decided he should continue in this role), and making certain, as I've mentioned above, that the "golden goose" is off-limits to him and out of his reach. However, he probably realizes that it is in his own best interests to keep his mother as healthy as possible for as long as possible. By the way, how old is the brother? (I would assume somewhere in his 50s.)

There are advantages to having your brother do the care giving, if he is doing an adequate job. This also takes care of him, which I'm sure your mother would want. Good idea to only give him access to a card that would provide enough to cover her expenses and his basic expenses, as he is living in. Also consider paying him as a caregiver. If she needs an aide with her all of the time, perhaps ask him to hire a caregiver to come in when he is not in the house. Everybody needs to have a break. Talk to your mother about her wishes, and be sure your brother also knows what she wants.

Tell him, "With COVID and mom's advancing illness, I need to make some changes in how her money is managed. I have noticed several unexplained withdrawals from her account and need to cancel her debit/credit card. I will have her bills paid online automatically and send you a reloadable debit card for her weekly purchases (make sure it is large enough for groceries and such but small enough that you're OK if brother pockets the rest) . Since you are her care provider, I will deposit $_______ into a bank account of your choosing for your expenses." "The bank knows that I am responsible for her finances and will deal with me only about changes with her finances since I have the POA.

Since mom probably should not be driving, it is time to either sell her car or have it signed over to your brother as part of his inheritance. He should pay for gas and maintenance. If he is not the type to pay for insurance, then take care of this as part of his "repayment" for driving mom around.

Talk with him about what would be considered acceptable "time off" from caring for mom. Ask close family, friends, folks from community of faith, or paid help to watch mom on specified days so he can get out to socialize with his friends. Ask a trusted friend(s) to "pop by unannounced" with a treat or to socialize with mom who are willing to report back to you that mom how is being cared for.

Your other option is to move mom to your place and give your brother notice that her place will be sold to cover her expenses - like adult day care or companion/home health aide. Since it appears that he does not provide enough care for your mom - he abandons her to go out - this may have to happen. Give him 30 days notice and tell him he needs to move out so you can get the place ready to sell. Please change the locks on the date you agree on and make sure his stuff is out of her house. If he creates problems, you may need to place a restraining order on him and/or have the police arrest him. There are companies that will buy the house without any improvements for a slightly lesser amount than the value and will "flip it". They give you an offer on the spot and a check if you agree.

I was POA and only caregiver of my mom. When mom died, I was devastated because I depended on her as much as she did to me.

When mom died, I really felt lost and abandoned, but considering her mind was gone eaten up with Alzheimer's and kept alive with a feeding tube (ironially she died of OTHER natural causes unrelated to Alzheimer's so she would have died just the same even if she were a normal person). Mom's skin was in perfect condition, and she died age 90. I was her life support for YEARS. My ENTIRE LIFE from the moment I woke up until it was time to put her to bed was centered on MOM. Not think I endured YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of this, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week--and not a single break. Ever.

The feeding tube was a LOT of work to keep clean and infection-free. I never had a problem with it. I knew how to take care of it. It spared mom from dying of dehydration, which is a barbaric process that can take weeks. Because of the feeding tube, mom was very comfortable to the end, and was the most peaceful death one could ever hope for. She was surrounded by love and I devoted every second to her. I cannot emphasize she was VERY HARD and stressful work. Alzheimer's is horrible, and she had it for 15 years.

When mom died I had to resume my life. That means finding work, resuming my education. I managed, but it was extremely difficult. Your brother REALLY will be better off NOT taking care of your mom. He is going to destroy his life, and from the sound of it may even incur legal charges by your hand--a record which will follow your brother for the rest of his life which his potential employers will see. So he will not be able to get a job and end up homeless. The charge will be elder abuse, and no employer will want him after that.

I hope your brother sees this and he better run away from this toxic arrangement and get his life together before it is too late! He seriously needs to get out of there. Since you are contemplating legal action against him--he needs to get out of this as fast as possible.

If you have your brother charged, and your mom goes to a nursing home, the nursing home is going to take all the assets from your mom. Care is not free, and it is not cheap.

I would give him a set amount a month for caring for your mom That you as a family agree upon. Figure out you moms needs monetarily and set that up for her to have. Take the credit and debit cards away. If anything large is needed he can discuss it with all if you and you all make the decision together.

You don’t state how much your brother is being paid or how much he withdraws from your mother’s account. Tell him that on the advice of your lawyer it’s necessary to set up separate accounts: one account for him and a separate account for household expenses. Then put the remainder of the money in your name (or yours and your mother’s name) in a third account. As far as the car is concerned...it’s only a car and shouldn’t be mentioned. Keep this issue about bank accounts. You don’t want to alienate your brother because he won’t be easily replaced.

My sister in law has complete care of my mother in law. My husbands feeling on this is that she have complete access to MIL’s funds as well. MIL is living in her home. With that, costs increase, groceries and heat and time spent caring for her. She deserves some benefit for how that disrupts her life. I don’t expect there to be anything left when my mother in law passes. My sister in law is a good person so I know she will do what’s right but her caring for MIL takes a huge burden from us and I appreciate it so we won’t micromanage what she does.
If your brother is not getting paid but lives there and helps and it keeps you from having to travel to help or trouble shoot then some usage of her funds for him is not unreasonable. If you have access to the account online I would open another account in your mother’s name not connected to the card and only keep household expenses + some fun money for him in the first account. The expenses will tell you how much she needs a month to live and how much he uses for himself. Then hold the difference aside for when your mom needs it for unexpected costs. That way he can’t spend everything down or take more than you allow. Just because a child is taking care of a parent does not mean it should be done for free.