ATM card misuse by brother, any suggestions?

Does your Bro have a caregiver agreement that he gets paid to take care of her? You say he does a "much better job" than expected.. so that is good.. right? Is he taking a lot of money,, or just a bit for his expences? If his withdrawals are small, or could be for her errands and things like his gas, I might let this go. If he buying a new car or drugs I would not. As to the car,, if he is living with her, and (maybe ) not getting paid.. I would be OK with too. We need a bit more information here.

You yourself describe him as a sociopath, so based on that info:
How you deal with your brother's theft depends on what you want the outcome to be. If he is allowed to siphon off money unabated then one day you'll open your mom's account to see $00.00 in it. Then you will be forced to be her caregiver no matter how ill or demented she becomes since her "gifting" him money may cause her to not qualify for Medicaid, just for starters.

One other thing to consider: he may easily have her create a new durable PoA assigning him instead of you. This happens all too often. Unless your mom has a medical diagnosis of cognitive impairment in her records right now, this is a real possibility. Then he will cut you out and off completely as he drains her accounts and robs her assets and then dumps her on your doorstep when her usefulness is over. I'd gather the evidence of your brother's theft and bring it to an attorney or detective and put a stop to this before it's too late. Changing accounts is not enough and will just tip him off. I'd show up unannounced in person to check out what's actually going on over there. Bring your PoA paperwork with you. FYI if you both work full-time you won't be the best care providers for your mom as she declines. But that's a discussion for another day. Deal with your brother first and firmly, for everyone's sake. Good luck!

If you are financial POA and are handling all bills and all payments and financial needs there is no reason for your Mom to have an ATM card or a charge card or a debit card at all. You can have those cancelled. When I was POA for my brother he requested that all cards be changed and that I have POA over his accounts and bills and be made Trustee of his Trust. We then gave him a spending account that was all his. He went directly to the bank when he had a need. There were no ATM withdrawal, no debit card. Only the bank. You do not say your mother suffers from dementia. So this would only be done with her agreement and discretion, of course. Do know if your mother is of sound mind, then she does have a right to allow him to make withdrawals with her permission.

Why is he not being paid for his caregiving?

I've read your post twice, and still am drawn to a few conclusions and questions.

The consideration that he might be sociopathic and has no conscience makes me wonder about his doing a good job of caring for your mother.   I had experience over several years with someone who was clinically diagnosed as sociopathic, and observed that his "interaction" with people was always manipulative, never considerate as your brother seems to be.

So I wonder if you're misjudging him?

I also would ask the same question as Barb Brooklyn.   And are you certain that the funds he appears to be taken aren't consideration for his assistance?   Have you or your mother made provisions to compensate him?  I think's that's mandatory if your mother can afford it.  After all, he's providing care, and (I don't mean to be offensive) but apparently you're not.

Before reaching any conclusions, I'd politely discuss the withdrawals and get the real story on what's happening.   If your mother told him to take funds for her care, you'd be creating an unpleasant situation by accusing him.

And I think if you're thinking he could be arrested, you need to think about gathering all the documentation you can get, as the police will need to review it before even considering any action.

You wrote that discussing the issue has little effect; from my experience and the standpoint of his being onsite doing the work and you being out of the area and observing, I can easily understand he might resent your reviewing his actions.

Give this some thought and try to find a better way to approach the issue, such as discussing compensation for him.  If that doesn't work, you can think about collecting documentation.

I’d monitor that POA and make sure it’s not changed by brother, stranger things have happened. How about setting up mom’s banking so that you can transfer money to her savings when it builds up to much at all so brother doesn’t get to spend a lot? You can set it up so that he can’t see what’s going on with savings or transfers. We have an adult son with a brain injury, he does work but has little understanding of money and using it wisely. I’m on his banking and regularly move money into his savings, he can’t see it. He happily debits wherever he goes, and can see his balance on his phone, but never has a lot to waste. If your brother is helping mom, using the debit card may be of benefit to you both, just needs to be overseen so the bulk of mom’s money is still there when she needs it

If you can handle and want her to live with you and your husband, you could look into Adult day care (if available to you now). They usually run from 9-3 and will pick up or arrange to pick up clients from their homes and to and from the facility.

It's a nice way to get out of the house and to mingle with others. Many, also have field trips and guest speakers to come in and give talks They can also have breakfast, lunch and a snack.

Even if brother needs to be paid, using an ATM card is the wrong way to achieve accountability. Your Mom needs more care, bring in caregivers as the first step.

Avoid trying to romanticize what brother is doing right:
"has done a much better job than expected with cooking, running errands, and lawn care. He makes sure she takes her medicine and encourages her to eat more." This will delay your taking action on your mother's behalf, imo. His theft is elder abuse, and he is likely bullying to get his way.

When this happened to my loved one, no one was able to stop the theft even after he (loved one) was moved away from a bad environment. It took a year + for my loved one to be able to use his own money, for his own needs.

It happens, when a bipolar or ADHD adult (son) is supported by parents, lives with them, and the parents age, they can become vulnerable and exploited by the person who could never handle money in the first place, thus the need to be supported by his parents. Not a viable choice as a caregiver to anyone. There could be more happening than is currently understood, including elder abuse, bullying, isolating the senior away from family, etc.

A strong person with POA should be able to act in the best interests of the elder. It was a war. Nothing legal could be done about the criminal living in his parent's house, believe it or not.

Years have gone by. The family's priority is always to see that the vulnerable elder is well taken care of, even from a distance.

(disclaimer: not everyone with ADHD or bipolar is a sociopath, or will run off with parent's money). Looking at the whole picture is helpful. Your brother may need to have some kind of care, supervision or board and care his whole life as a special needs person. If he could barely work all these years, and is dependent on Mom, he should not be put in a caregiving position, at all, and never in charge of any money. imo.

This advice comes from experience, sorry if the view from here is negative.

Ironic and scary that this topic came up, As someone who went through something similar, keep a keen eye on your mom's finances. There is a very good chance he is financially exploiting her.

GardenArtist and notgoodenough, Sociopaths and Psychopaths can be extermely charming to get what they want.

Went through the same with my brother, difference he was not the caregiver I was. Before mom passed, he went to see her in the hospital, rehab facility, and promised to get more involved and help her out. He even cried when she was in the hospital.

Sadly it was an act. He started asking for money not long after she was in the rehab, He had no access to her bank card, but instead she would okay him to get a check for $600, just about every 2 weeks. He woud need her okay to endorse them, so he would come by the home, get a check, take it to the rehab and she was nice enough to sign for one. Guess what? as time went on he figured out he could ask for money, she would okay it, and he would not need to go see her, just get an endorsed check. He would always use the same line "the last time" and only after a short talk, would the asking for money be requested,

It stopped when he did not listen to his body, did not want to give up what he wanted to do and died of a heart attack.

So, Audrey84, see if you can get control of your mom's finances. If you can, you'll see how much your mom means to your brother, and be careful since he may "work" on you.

Take away the card and send two checks a month one for brother and one for mother’s needs. Priority is mothers best interest, comfort and care no matter where she is.

Change the acct and give both an allowance. But let me tell you what happened in my case. Little Bro had mom sign the house over to him. He then kicked her out. Older bro bought her a mobile home which they placed next door on my sister's land. Bro continued to help himself to checks from the back of her checkbook, forging her name. SHE REFUSED TO PROSECUTE. Later house was lost in divorce to his ex-wife. More recently, it burned down. (she had died by this point.) It was many years of this mess before I was able to take over her remaining finances and her care. When my dad died, she had assets of half a million. When she died, she had $40,000 left.

Well, your brother likely can't survive on his own. He is unlikely to be able to find a job that would pay him enough to live on his own. Now that he's taking care of mom, he won't be able to work. Parkinson's will eventually require 24/7 care. If you take her in with you, you will regret it unless you can afford to pay home care professionals to come in and help. And that is very expensive. Is your brother doing drugs or gambling? Or is he using the money for normal household expenses and personal needs? Eventually mom will require a nursing home though, your brother will not be able to handle the situation by himself. I would talk to him and start planning for that day. That means getting her finances in order and potentially planning to apply for Medicaid. Medicaid will look at the financial records, and if the withdrawls are small enough it won't be a problem, but if too much money was drained from her accounts, it might be a problem. So have that conversation. But if the amounts are small where it would seem to cover household expenses and basic needs, that is not a problem. Remember, this a symbiotic relationship.

This is a huge red flag for you. In our case, mom had dementia, two siblings lived out of state and brother was “helping out.” He started small, with mom writing him checks for a few hundred here and there. He got bolder as her dementia got worse and took her to her attorney for A new POA which gave him control over her checkbook and debit card but not her trust. He refused to provide further information to siblings about how he was spending Mom’s money. Before we found out what was actually happening he had drained her accounts of $50,000 and had approached the attorney about gaining control of the trust. While you still have POA, cancel her old bank account and get a new one (suspected financial fraud), one without an ATM card. Go to Social Security with mom and become her transfer payee, and finally, consult with an elder attorney who will help you establish guardianship and ask you for a full medical evaluation on the dementia. Please note the new attorney should never have given him the new POA because he later admitted she lacked the capacity to understand the change but he wouldn’t cancel the revised POA. Both siblings agreed a monthly stipend for his help would not have changed the outcome.

Keep a detailed account of his financial offenses and when the time comes deduct it from his inheritance. Notify him now in writing that you are doing so.

Keep enough money in the account for your mom's needs, and any money you think the brother is welcome to use as the caregiver.

Open a second account for just you and your mom, and control that money. Deposit a set amount in the first account on a regular basis, and let your brother know what you are doing.

You are very lucky to have the brother there to help with your mother. Another solution would be to move your mother to your city rather than 300 miles away.

My sister in law has complete care of my mother in law. My husbands feeling on this is that she have complete access to MIL’s funds as well. MIL is living in her home. With that, costs increase, groceries and heat and time spent caring for her. She deserves some benefit for how that disrupts her life. I don’t expect there to be anything left when my mother in law passes. My sister in law is a good person so I know she will do what’s right but her caring for MIL takes a huge burden from us and I appreciate it so we won’t micromanage what she does.
If your brother is not getting paid but lives there and helps and it keeps you from having to travel to help or trouble shoot then some usage of her funds for him is not unreasonable. If you have access to the account online I would open another account in your mother’s name not connected to the card and only keep household expenses + some fun money for him in the first account. The expenses will tell you how much she needs a month to live and how much he uses for himself. Then hold the difference aside for when your mom needs it for unexpected costs. That way he can’t spend everything down or take more than you allow. Just because a child is taking care of a parent does not mean it should be done for free.

You don’t state how much your brother is being paid or how much he withdraws from your mother’s account. Tell him that on the advice of your lawyer it’s necessary to set up separate accounts: one account for him and a separate account for household expenses. Then put the remainder of the money in your name (or yours and your mother’s name) in a third account. As far as the car is concerned...it’s only a car and shouldn’t be mentioned. Keep this issue about bank accounts. You don’t want to alienate your brother because he won’t be easily replaced.

I would give him a set amount a month for caring for your mom That you as a family agree upon. Figure out you moms needs monetarily and set that up for her to have. Take the credit and debit cards away. If anything large is needed he can discuss it with all if you and you all make the decision together.

If you have your brother charged, and your mom goes to a nursing home, the nursing home is going to take all the assets from your mom. Care is not free, and it is not cheap.

I was POA and only caregiver of my mom. When mom died, I was devastated because I depended on her as much as she did to me.

When mom died, I really felt lost and abandoned, but considering her mind was gone eaten up with Alzheimer's and kept alive with a feeding tube (ironially she died of OTHER natural causes unrelated to Alzheimer's so she would have died just the same even if she were a normal person). Mom's skin was in perfect condition, and she died age 90. I was her life support for YEARS. My ENTIRE LIFE from the moment I woke up until it was time to put her to bed was centered on MOM. Not think I endured YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of this, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week--and not a single break. Ever.

The feeding tube was a LOT of work to keep clean and infection-free. I never had a problem with it. I knew how to take care of it. It spared mom from dying of dehydration, which is a barbaric process that can take weeks. Because of the feeding tube, mom was very comfortable to the end, and was the most peaceful death one could ever hope for. She was surrounded by love and I devoted every second to her. I cannot emphasize she was VERY HARD and stressful work. Alzheimer's is horrible, and she had it for 15 years.

When mom died I had to resume my life. That means finding work, resuming my education. I managed, but it was extremely difficult. Your brother REALLY will be better off NOT taking care of your mom. He is going to destroy his life, and from the sound of it may even incur legal charges by your hand--a record which will follow your brother for the rest of his life which his potential employers will see. So he will not be able to get a job and end up homeless. The charge will be elder abuse, and no employer will want him after that.

I hope your brother sees this and he better run away from this toxic arrangement and get his life together before it is too late! He seriously needs to get out of there. Since you are contemplating legal action against him--he needs to get out of this as fast as possible.

Tell him, "With COVID and mom's advancing illness, I need to make some changes in how her money is managed. I have noticed several unexplained withdrawals from her account and need to cancel her debit/credit card. I will have her bills paid online automatically and send you a reloadable debit card for her weekly purchases (make sure it is large enough for groceries and such but small enough that you're OK if brother pockets the rest) . Since you are her care provider, I will deposit $_______ into a bank account of your choosing for your expenses." "The bank knows that I am responsible for her finances and will deal with me only about changes with her finances since I have the POA.

Since mom probably should not be driving, it is time to either sell her car or have it signed over to your brother as part of his inheritance. He should pay for gas and maintenance. If he is not the type to pay for insurance, then take care of this as part of his "repayment" for driving mom around.

Talk with him about what would be considered acceptable "time off" from caring for mom. Ask close family, friends, folks from community of faith, or paid help to watch mom on specified days so he can get out to socialize with his friends. Ask a trusted friend(s) to "pop by unannounced" with a treat or to socialize with mom who are willing to report back to you that mom how is being cared for.

Your other option is to move mom to your place and give your brother notice that her place will be sold to cover her expenses - like adult day care or companion/home health aide. Since it appears that he does not provide enough care for your mom - he abandons her to go out - this may have to happen. Give him 30 days notice and tell him he needs to move out so you can get the place ready to sell. Please change the locks on the date you agree on and make sure his stuff is out of her house. If he creates problems, you may need to place a restraining order on him and/or have the police arrest him. There are companies that will buy the house without any improvements for a slightly lesser amount than the value and will "flip it". They give you an offer on the spot and a check if you agree.

There are advantages to having your brother do the care giving, if he is doing an adequate job. This also takes care of him, which I'm sure your mother would want. Good idea to only give him access to a card that would provide enough to cover her expenses and his basic expenses, as he is living in. Also consider paying him as a caregiver. If she needs an aide with her all of the time, perhaps ask him to hire a caregiver to come in when he is not in the house. Everybody needs to have a break. Talk to your mother about her wishes, and be sure your brother also knows what she wants.

There are a couple additional questions I believe should be asked to give a better understanding of the situation, as some of the previous comments suggest the situation is bad while others indicate it's basically a symbiotic one.

1) The OP said the brother takes in the range of $300 to $800 a week. If his mother is living on SS or little more than that, then this amount is serious. However, if the mother receives, let's say, $10K per month (or has a substantial portfolio), then this amount isn't as serious in the scheme of things. We need to know a bit more to put this into perspective. If his mother is well-off financially, then the bigger issue is whether the brother would be tempted to do something that would "steal the goose" instead of just taking a few "golden eggs"--this, of course, could make his mother go from never needing to consider Medicaid to ending up needing it but unable to get it due to what would be interpreted as "gifting".

2) It was mentioned that the brother had been in jail a few times. Were any of these incarcerations due to acts of dishonesty? Did he have any issues with addictions such as drugs, alcohol or gambling, or was he ever convicted for selling drugs? If he were put out and made to support himself, it may be that his record effectively makes him unemployable, or at least unable to obtain a job by which he could afford to support himself on his own income.

I agree that there need to be some serious discussions regarding the situation so everyone knows what's permitted and what isn't, how much money he should be given and for what reasons (such as a caregiving contract if it is decided he should continue in this role), and making certain, as I've mentioned above, that the "golden goose" is off-limits to him and out of his reach. However, he probably realizes that it is in his own best interests to keep his mother as healthy as possible for as long as possible. By the way, how old is the brother? (I would assume somewhere in his 50s.)

Reconsider your position in this. If he was not around, an Aid carr at home through a qualified agency is about $27 and hour so even 8 hours a day per month is over $6,000 per month and 24 hour care at home is huge.
If anyone should be arrested it may be you for taking financial advantage of him! I think you should agree on an hourly rate for him.

Agree with what other's have said about caregiver's agreement. Whether you think he's a sociopath or not, he's on call 24/7 and that is a burden that is so easy for those at a distance to take for granted. You and hubby work full time and you have no idea what your lives would be like while you happily now contemplate having mom come live with you. If your POA is for financial which I suspect, then if there is serious misuse of funds you could have a primary and secondary account where they might be an auto transfer so that there would be a limit remaining in the one with the ATM card affiliated. But imo it would be a darn shame if your doing that resulted in there not being enough for groceries or the gas for the car your brother is driving to get your mom out and to appointments.
You might want to consider purchasing gift cards for the places most frequented. And if you don't mind my saying so, you ought to consider yourself very lucky to have your brother not "work much" so he can be so accessible and available for your mother. Do you have any idea of how much hiring a caregiver is? Figure $20/hr minimum. I wouldn't fault him for going out once in a while either. And to have meals prepared and lawn care too? Tally it up and it may not come up to whatever he is taking. Is he on disability? He may potentially be eligible or for other sources of support as well. And you might want to educate yourself on the adult child exception when it comes to Medicaid if one needs to be in a nursing home.
You are lucky to have him. Hiring privately or through an agency, or taking on caregiving yourself is no picnic and has stress and hassles you can't even imagine.

Have you spoken with your mother since you said your not sure whether she forgets to get the ATM card back or doesn't want to ask for it back?

She may have said to your brother he can use it to cover his expenses since he's caring for her or she may not care that he uses it because he's her son.

You need to have a conversation with your mom while your brother is out and about.You'll have clarity and be able to proceed accordingly if warranted.

I am an at home caregiver for my mom. Last year one of my brothers accused me of financial elder abuse and I was investigated by the state. We had an accountant who was handling my mom’s accounts, but I have use of her debit card. The accountant and I had set up a small salary that I am paid every two weeks.

My brother was upset that I was being paid. Having a third party handling the finances is a good way to protect yourself and give your brother accountability. I have POA, so I was the one that had put all of this in place, but it has proven to be worth the extra expense.

What is your brother using the money for? Is he getting cash or buying groceries and supplies for your mom, or going out and using the money on himself?

I had instituted an envelope/ receipt system when I moved in with my mom full time and have one envelope for receipts for things directly related to mom’s care, one for mom’s personal use (hair dresser, take out, treats) and one of what my husband and I spend towards the up keep of the house and things we buy for mom. This system worked beautifully when I was being investigated bc I was able to produce all the receipts and my brothers and the investigator both were surprised where the “misused monies” actually went. It also helps a lot when it comes to tax time bc there were things that could be deducted we were unaware of for mom.

I would highly recommend doing a caregiver agreement with your brother which states how much he is supposed to stay with your mom a day.

Also, set up a salary for his services. I make $700 every two weeks, an amount I chose, and I am a 24/7 caregiver.

Also, work out a way to have someone come in for four or eight hours a week to stay with your mom to give your brother a designated time off.

This will make him feel both more accountable to your mother and reinforce that you appreciate what he is doing. Psychologically, this is a big deal to the caregiver.

No matter how you feel about your brother and his mental health there is a big impact and a major commitment on his part to follow your mother’s wishes. You are both part of team Mom, but it does sound like there are mechanisms that can be put into place to make it an even stronger team.

Appreciate your brother, and speak to him with appreciation when you have a financial discussion with him. Ask his opinion on what is needed, and what mom's expenses are. Take the approach that he is doing a great job, and that his time and care are valued.

Do you have monthly visits of several days' duration with your mom? That might help you better understand the situation and stay connected. Having your mom move in with you down the line might be much more challenging and time-consuming than you expect. You want the best for her, of course.

Where is the money coming from? Is there a high balance in the account, or is this coming in monthly for retirement? Are there minimum IRA distributions?

Rather than closing your mom's account or canceling the debit cards, you can open a new interest-bearing savings account with yourself and mom. You can then move funds over to cover future care, taxes, medical bills, and so forth. The expenses will go up, so start setting aside funds now.

Leave a generous monthly amount in the account to cover both your mom and your brother's expenses including extra discretionary funds. Get your brother's input on what is needed for the two of them. He will explain it, and he may come up with a relatively low amount.

Make sure he understands that the budget must cover the utilities (on auto-pay), property taxes and so forth as you determine. Then add a generous amount to that, and then let him continue to manage it and use the debit card. You should be able to monitor this by viewing the account, and by receiving notifications of withdrawls. Most debit cards will not work if there is no cash in the account. You can also choose to pay larger amounts like property tax out of the savings account.

This way your brother continues to manage and spend, but the budget is built in, and he will hopefully not feel micromanaged. You will also hopefully prevent a situation that screams distrust of your brother, which canceling the debit card would do. Keep the trust. You have a long road ahead.

Also--who is going to look after your brother when your mom is gone? Perhaps some planning should be done in that area too.

Best of luck with getting a smooth road in place.

My cousin was doing grocery shopping for his mother and buying his own groceries as well. She didn't mind. My mother was her POA and noticed that he was taking upwards of $800/week for groceries. That money was going for alcohol and gambling addictions, with only about $100/week for groceries. Cousin was being enabled, and when told about it my aunt didn't really care. Unless Mom has severe dementia, she is the one you need to talk to about her finances. Brother may have problems and Mom may know and think she is taking care of him. Monitor and manage her money as recommended so she has what she needs. If you think she will have to move to be near you, do it sooner rather than later so that she can be a participant in the process. If she lives with you expect that you will need in-home support as well as adult daycare (most of which is currently closed). Best of luck!

Sounds like if he left, you would have to step in and do the cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc. Or you would have to pay someone. Maybe you need a contract between you, your mother, and your brother to define responsibilities and costs.