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My parents live with my brother and his family. Due to unforeseen circumstances they cannot live elsewhere. My parents were both high achievers and medical professionals.
My brother constantly argues with dad and tries to correct him and tells him off. My father is very intelligent and was a leader in his job. He is still knowledgeable but when he discusses anything, my brother will try to negate him and tell him off, sometimes bordering on rudeness.


Dad is still very well read and knows a lot on several topics. He speaks authoritatively and is mostly correct. I cannot say anything to my brother as I don’t want there to be a problem in their family. How do I say to my brother that dad is hurting? What do I do? Mom will never say anything. She used to be close to my brother. Now she just watches TV all day.

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I'm left with many questions from your post. 1st,  Are you there all the time to hear what goes on constantly?  If so are you helping in care for your folks?    If Not are you going and giving your brother and his family a break so they can de stress.. I mean like an all day long break not an hour or two here or there.   I'm not trying to attack you but being a caregiver to my mom with dementia the last year, I'm burnt out and feel like I'm in a bad mood 24/7 because my brother only comes every 2 or 3 months for 2 hours or so and he lives in town.  I don't have respite help so when my mom asks me something for the 100th time I'm sure to an 'outsider'  it sounds like I'm arguing or telling her off when I answer her curtly.   You say your Mom and Dad were high achievers and medical professionals yet they don't have the means to live in their own home or pay for in home caregivers, Assisted living etc.   I understand unforeseen circumstances but perhaps the brother is upset about them apparently losing what if any finances they had saved or not having any to begin with.  Sounds like two 'head of households' trying to run one home.  Good luck to all of you.
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Angelahays Nov 2019
OMG Lynn....everything you have said makes absolute sense and has helped me, to help out and the biggest thing...2 heads of the home.
They are now looking at Independent living unit , separately and I am going to help too.
Thanks muchly 😀
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Please keep in mind that your father's intelligence does not give him any special status.  I've notice that many very intelligent people make the mistake of thinking that they are "better than others".
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What's the plan for the future, as they need hands-on caregiving? And who pays for medical appointments? Do they have medical insurance?

Who will pay for the in-home caregivers or facility?

I take your brother's side in this. His family life is being enormously disrupted by having your parents there, and it is only going to get worse as time goes on.
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I was the full time caregiver to my mother for over 14 years. I would like to say that it is an extremely tough job.

Caregivers are often criticized by the person they are caring for, family members and others. Caregivers sacrifice their lives for the person they are caring for.

Caregivers rarely hear from the person they are caring for, “Thank you, you are so helpful. What would I do without you?” We start being taken for granted. Perhaps not intentionally. but it happens due to constant togetherness. Getting on one another’s nerves happens because of too much togetherness.

Ahhhhh, but who gets blamed first for everything? The caregiver. Who doesn’t get asked for their side of the story? The caregiver.

We usually don’t hear from siblings, “Thanks for taking care of our mother. What time should I come by so you can have a break?” Would you like me to bring dinner over?” “Can I run to the pharmacy to pick up the scripts?” I would have given anything to have heard those words instead of criticism because mom stirred the pot.

We constantly hear, “Can you do this? Would you do that? I need this, that and the other.”

Caregivers are tired! Caregivers are not perfect. Caregivers get lonely, depressed, frazzled, etc. Unless a person has done this they truly have no idea how hard it is and how it only gets harder and harder. I didn’t know myself until I did it.

Dad may be smart. Brother may indeed be agitated. All caregivers get agitated at times. You are only seeing a small portion. You don’t live there! You aren’t around in the middle of the night or early in the morning and the caregiver attends to his every need. You aren’t around when they have a good day and laugh together.

Mom doesn’t say anything. She may be seeing both sides and is remaining neutral.

I am not in any way trying to rag on you. I am taking it upon myself as one who was in your brother’s shoes to speak on his behalf because I have been there.

I can appreciate your concern. I am not saying your brother doesn’t have character flaws. Don’t we all? Dear old dad has flaws too.

No one is perfect! No one should expect someone to be perfect. My mom was a perfectionist. There is no pleasing them. Sometimes it’s subtle picking, other times it’s down right cruelty but it all wears us down. Caregivers start to lose themselves. One final note, caregivers burn out. I did!

Thanks for listening. Sorry so long. All caregivers and former caregivers deserve to be heard. Siblings do too but they need to want to hear the caregivers side before making an assessment of the situation.

Caregivers deserve to be able to express their viewpoints. Don’t force a caregiver to ask for help. This places the burden on the caregiver. It is so much nicer for someone to offer help.
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2019
Wow, you have come a long ways from the start of your journey on this forum Need. Your answer brought tears to my eyes.

Never apologize for your longest post, you have been through the fire and you have come out a changed woman.

I am sure that I am not the only one here cheering for you and how far you have come and how well you are doing.

Keep on keeping on lady!
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If they can not live elsewhere can the home they are in now be adapted to have an "in-law" unit added? This way they are there but independent of your brother and his family.
Once you have another adult, particularly one(s) that raised you in your house things become difficult. Your brother was/is head of the household but now mom and dad are there and since they are elders your brother may be trying to make sure that his role as head of household is still in place. Sort of like the male animals in the wild fight to be the leader, when a younger one feels strong enough they begin to assert their strength knocking the older one down, the older one is usually run off.
This may be difficult for your parents as they are the ones that raised your brother and it is difficult to be other than the patriarch and matriarch.
Is looking into senior housing an option?
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Isthisrealyreal Oct 2019
So true, my dad tried to be head of house in our home. My husband is and I stood up for my man and it created loads of crap from my dad. He thought he should be head of our house and his passive aggressive hatred was to much.
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Why don't they move to AL, no need to live with a bully. Sounds like he resents having to care for them.
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rovana Oct 2019
Dolly, is it possible that the brother is not actually the bully?  Perceptions of who is in charge, and has the right to say what they wish, do vary from culture to culture and I think I read that parents were from another country.  I could well imagine clashes arising from different ideas on who is head of household, who owes deference, expecting father to defer to his son who is the head of household, along with wife, in brother's home...
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My Father used to be quite rude to Mum as she declined. He’d push her aside - instead of waiting or just asking her to move. Her balance was poor. When she could no longer go to the toilet alone he would help do the job but not talk to her just me re what was needed.

I would always talk to mum - as her to stand and tell her what I was doing next.

Both dad and I were frustrated at the others way of dealing with things. My sister paid one of her rare visits and very diplomatically managed to mention aspects of both that she thought were good and what wasn’t.

End result was dad was a little more prepared to talk to talk to mum as a person who just needed a bit of help.

Maybe by appealing to your brothers logic - yes you are right however dad has always been used to .... do you think you could ... as you know men’s dignity is based on .... and see if by flattering your brother and family with all they do yet could they consider that dad might feel slightly out of place in this new situation and find ways to praise rather than argue with him?

if they remain headstrong I wouldn’t fight about it - just find ways to enable your dad to feel good about himself. My Dad always liked doing things - I used to pop the lens out of my glasses and ask him if he could “fix” it for me. Or take an activity I knew he enjoyed and do it with him and praise him / say thanks depending what it was

Hope you can find a solution
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I would suggest family counseling for ALL of you and stop trying to be the go between and referee.
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The thing here, and it is major, is: Dad and Mom and guests in your brother's home.  Not head of household or anything like that, just GUESTS. If your Dad is trying to "speak with authority" than for sure he is overstepping your brother's reasonable boundaries. It makes no difference how intelligent he is, or even if he is correct and brother wrong; as a guest you show respect, even deference to your host.  Basically the parent child interaction no longer applies here.  Does Dad understand that?  Are you able to explain that to him? Otherwise, have you considered AL, a separate living situation for your parents?
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NeedHelpWithMom Oct 2019
I love your response. I can relate to everything you stated.
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Angela,

My father comes across as very imperious and he believes that women should be promoted based on looks and makes lascivious comments about women who work in public. Yet, most people feel he is a well read, thoughtful, intelligent man.

When my step dad was dying this time last year, his daughter was incensed when Mum told the doctors that he had become childlike. He had been an accountant working at a high level prior to dementia. Mum was not saying it to be cruel, she was letting the doctor's know how he behaved at home when he was not show timing for the doctors.

My point is Angela, you really do not know how Dad is when he is just with your brother.

And I have to wonder, why your parents sold up and moved, without first investigating the cost of living in the new location. If I were your brother, who has been 'forced' into this living arrangement, I would be questioning my Dad's intellect.
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Angelahays Oct 2019
Hi, thanks for the reply. The choice to live together was a joint decision. We all ( 2 siblings) thought over it and decided upon that. Initially all went well , and they helped with household work and looked after the child when they were at work.
I think this has made me realise that the parents are now ageing and I need to help them too.
we will definitely consider AL and in the meantime, I’m thinking of taking them on weekends away.
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I agree that it sounds a lot like your brother is finding it more difficult than he anticipated, to have your parents living in his house, and the strain is beginning to show.

When I found myself being dismissive or sarcastic or otherwise unkind to my mother, which I bitterly regret but it happened, one mental brake I used was to imagine that somebody else had spoken to her the way I just had. I don't know if you could try putting something like that to your brother?

I doubt if your brother means to be disrespectful to your/his father, but this sort of thing can be the thin end of the wedge; and what starts out as quick temper or thoughtlessness can become a habit which can then deteriorate even into abuse. How is the rest of the family coping? Are there other stresses they have to deal with?

Talk the situation through with your brother, keeping it general and not accusatory. Perhaps bring up a particular incident you noticed, and prompt your brother to reflect on it.

But at the same time, start looking into other options.

I also agree that I don't quite understand how your parents' budget was unforeseen, exactly. How long ago did they move to the States, and where from, if you don't mind my asking?
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Angelahays Oct 2019
Hello..!!
I think this is the closest answer to my situation. Thank you . You have shed some great insight on this. Initially it was not like this, they enjoyed each other’s company . The burden is getting harder as the time passes. I feel that this discussion has put me to test my contribution towards their family, maybe financially, helping with chores, taking for appointments and of course sharing more financial responsibilities.
Thanks buddy...!
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Your parents must have money put aside if they were pros. If not, there are low income apartments.

Very intelligent people tend to look down on others. Maybe growing up Dad made your brother feel like his opinions meant nothing. I think u need to find a place for Mom and Dad.
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Angelahays Oct 2019
hi. Thanks for your answer. It made me look at it in a different way. My brother is smart too( but in a different field). Growing up dad was very proud of him as he was a high achiever too. Dad doesn’t give advice, and both mum and him don’t interfere cos I have explained to them not to. They disagree and unknowingly may offend each other.
This has made me realise that they are the same...and so neither realises....but I will talk to them separately.
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The parents need to find somewhere else to live. It is becoming stressful for the brother. If the brother is married it could break up the marriage. If my mother lived with me it would bust up my marriage and my brother said the same thing. His wife would leave him if MOTHER moved in!!!
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Perhaps your parents need to rent a small house or apartment then. Do you have any idea how stressful it is to have parents living with you? Who still think they are in charge. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose your privacy?
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Angelahays Oct 2019
Hi. Thanks buddy. yes need for privacy is great.
I am now working on solutions. I am planning to take them on weekends away, till we find a small unit close by.
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I don't understand that parents HAVE to live with brother and they do not have a choice. There is a back story here that may help get relevant responses.

Of course brother is resentful, anyone would be when there is no choice in the current situation.
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Angelahays Oct 2019
The parents sold their property from their country of origin, which doesn’t amount to much here. They were not able to buy a house here and hence live with him.
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Your brother may resent having your parents live with him and his family. He may feel like he’s been forced to take them into his home and depending on the relationship he had all his life with his dad, he may be “acting out” with what amounts to verbal abuse.

Have a discussion with your brother and ask him if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for him. Remain calm and nonjudgmental. Listen to the way your father speaks to him. Is Dad being argumentative? Is he baiting your brother with comments and topics he knows will set your brother off?
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Angelahays Oct 2019
I think you are right about the resentment. The burden is there for sure. I try to help with taking them for appointments and buying groceries etc but he has to look after the major issues.
I don’t think that dad baits him, but dad is a very smart guy and can put people on edge with his talk and his knowledge. He says things innocently, maybe doesn’t realise that his talking is making others feel not as smart as him.....thanks
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