Arguing caregivers?

I was the full time caregiver to my mother for over 14 years. I would like to say that it is an extremely tough job.

Caregivers are often criticized by the person they are caring for, family members and others. Caregivers sacrifice their lives for the person they are caring for.

Caregivers rarely hear from the person they are caring for, “Thank you, you are so helpful. What would I do without you?” We start being taken for granted. Perhaps not intentionally. but it happens due to constant togetherness. Getting on one another’s nerves happens because of too much togetherness.

Ahhhhh, but who gets blamed first for everything? The caregiver. Who doesn’t get asked for their side of the story? The caregiver.

We usually don’t hear from siblings, “Thanks for taking care of our mother. What time should I come by so you can have a break?” Would you like me to bring dinner over?” “Can I run to the pharmacy to pick up the scripts?” I would have given anything to have heard those words instead of criticism because mom stirred the pot.

We constantly hear, “Can you do this? Would you do that? I need this, that and the other.”

Caregivers are tired! Caregivers are not perfect. Caregivers get lonely, depressed, frazzled, etc. Unless a person has done this they truly have no idea how hard it is and how it only gets harder and harder. I didn’t know myself until I did it.

Dad may be smart. Brother may indeed be agitated. All caregivers get agitated at times. You are only seeing a small portion. You don’t live there! You aren’t around in the middle of the night or early in the morning and the caregiver attends to his every need. You aren’t around when they have a good day and laugh together.

Mom doesn’t say anything. She may be seeing both sides and is remaining neutral.

I am not in any way trying to rag on you. I am taking it upon myself as one who was in your brother’s shoes to speak on his behalf because I have been there.

I can appreciate your concern. I am not saying your brother doesn’t have character flaws. Don’t we all? Dear old dad has flaws too.

No one is perfect! No one should expect someone to be perfect. My mom was a perfectionist. There is no pleasing them. Sometimes it’s subtle picking, other times it’s down right cruelty but it all wears us down. Caregivers start to lose themselves. One final note, caregivers burn out. I did!

Thanks for listening. Sorry so long. All caregivers and former caregivers deserve to be heard. Siblings do too but they need to want to hear the caregivers side before making an assessment of the situation.

Caregivers deserve to be able to express their viewpoints. Don’t force a caregiver to ask for help. This places the burden on the caregiver. It is so much nicer for someone to offer help.

The thing here, and it is major, is: Dad and Mom and guests in your brother's home.  Not head of household or anything like that, just GUESTS. If your Dad is trying to "speak with authority" than for sure he is overstepping your brother's reasonable boundaries. It makes no difference how intelligent he is, or even if he is correct and brother wrong; as a guest you show respect, even deference to your host.  Basically the parent child interaction no longer applies here.  Does Dad understand that?  Are you able to explain that to him? Otherwise, have you considered AL, a separate living situation for your parents?

Perhaps your parents need to rent a small house or apartment then. Do you have any idea how stressful it is to have parents living with you? Who still think they are in charge. Do you have any idea how hard it is to lose your privacy?

Your parents must have money put aside if they were pros. If not, there are low income apartments.

Very intelligent people tend to look down on others. Maybe growing up Dad made your brother feel like his opinions meant nothing. I think u need to find a place for Mom and Dad.

Angela,

My father comes across as very imperious and he believes that women should be promoted based on looks and makes lascivious comments about women who work in public. Yet, most people feel he is a well read, thoughtful, intelligent man.

When my step dad was dying this time last year, his daughter was incensed when Mum told the doctors that he had become childlike. He had been an accountant working at a high level prior to dementia. Mum was not saying it to be cruel, she was letting the doctor's know how he behaved at home when he was not show timing for the doctors.

My point is Angela, you really do not know how Dad is when he is just with your brother.

And I have to wonder, why your parents sold up and moved, without first investigating the cost of living in the new location. If I were your brother, who has been 'forced' into this living arrangement, I would be questioning my Dad's intellect.

Please keep in mind that your father's intelligence does not give him any special status.  I've notice that many very intelligent people make the mistake of thinking that they are "better than others".

Your brother may resent having your parents live with him and his family. He may feel like he’s been forced to take them into his home and depending on the relationship he had all his life with his dad, he may be “acting out” with what amounts to verbal abuse.

Have a discussion with your brother and ask him if there’s anything you can do to make things easier for him. Remain calm and nonjudgmental. Listen to the way your father speaks to him. Is Dad being argumentative? Is he baiting your brother with comments and topics he knows will set your brother off?

If they can not live elsewhere can the home they are in now be adapted to have an "in-law" unit added? This way they are there but independent of your brother and his family.
Once you have another adult, particularly one(s) that raised you in your house things become difficult. Your brother was/is head of the household but now mom and dad are there and since they are elders your brother may be trying to make sure that his role as head of household is still in place. Sort of like the male animals in the wild fight to be the leader, when a younger one feels strong enough they begin to assert their strength knocking the older one down, the older one is usually run off.
This may be difficult for your parents as they are the ones that raised your brother and it is difficult to be other than the patriarch and matriarch.
Is looking into senior housing an option?

What's the plan for the future, as they need hands-on caregiving? And who pays for medical appointments? Do they have medical insurance?

Who will pay for the in-home caregivers or facility?

I take your brother's side in this. His family life is being enormously disrupted by having your parents there, and it is only going to get worse as time goes on.

I'm left with many questions from your post. 1st,  Are you there all the time to hear what goes on constantly?  If so are you helping in care for your folks?    If Not are you going and giving your brother and his family a break so they can de stress.. I mean like an all day long break not an hour or two here or there.   I'm not trying to attack you but being a caregiver to my mom with dementia the last year, I'm burnt out and feel like I'm in a bad mood 24/7 because my brother only comes every 2 or 3 months for 2 hours or so and he lives in town.  I don't have respite help so when my mom asks me something for the 100th time I'm sure to an 'outsider'  it sounds like I'm arguing or telling her off when I answer her curtly.   You say your Mom and Dad were high achievers and medical professionals yet they don't have the means to live in their own home or pay for in home caregivers, Assisted living etc.   I understand unforeseen circumstances but perhaps the brother is upset about them apparently losing what if any finances they had saved or not having any to begin with.  Sounds like two 'head of households' trying to run one home.  Good luck to all of you.