This is a bit of a rant. I just need to vent before I blow a fuse and cut all ties with my father. I know I am wallowing in self pity but I am just so tired.
My parents live in Arizona and I live in North Carolina. My mom has terminal stomach cancer for which she completely declined treatment. No surgery, no chemo. She stopped getting out of bed 3 weeks ago. I was going to come for a one week stay in August anyways but once she stopped getting up my father told me to come right away. My brother lives 2 min away from my parents. Once I arrived mom started throwing up blood. We thought she might pass any moment so dad and my brother started funeral arrangements. They want to do everything in the house as much as possible so I was told that after she passes and people come I am supposed to feed visitors and serve them tea. I was surprised and thought it was weird - they should just hire someone since everyone has significant means. I was like should I not be welcoming people and grieving - and my brother said - you think you have time to sit? You will need to hustle and serve guests. I did not say anything but I was becoming quite annoyed so I told them to plan everything and that I don’t want to talk about funeral anymore. It’s too hard to care for her and think of funeral at the same time.
It has been 2 weeks now that I am her primary caregiver.
She throws up every 2 hours (or at least tries) and I basically have been sleeping in 1 hour increments for a total of 4-5 hours a day for the past 2 weeks. I sleep on the sofa outside of her bedroom. Not because anyone made me but because I am afraid she will need me and I won’t hear her. My dad is deaf so he won’t hear her even if she screams for him.
My parents have someone who comes to cook and clean so my role is to sit with her and help her when she needs anything. I hold her while she heaves and pukes, clean up after she throws up, change her sheets, wash her, take her to bathroom, hold her while she cries and begs to die. She is extremely restless and not in peace. She thought if she foregone all treatment death would come fast. Painkillers help but they don’t help with nausea. She has been like this for 2 weeks in the pre-active stage of dying and from what I read it can last like that for a while more.
In the meantime I missed my son’s birthday and my kids cry for me every night. My husband is very supportive but he feels that I am being mistreated and thinks I need to come home. Oh and I got diagnosed with ulcer right before I left but could not start treatment because I can’t leave the house and see a doctor... so he is worried that I will get sicker if I continue as I do. My father and brother know about it too but so far 0 reaction from them other than too bad. That’s how my mom’s cancer started - with an ulcer.
I decided I want to go back to my family and my job (where I took unpaid leave) he was surprised but ok with it. I told him they need to find 2 nurses one for day time and one for night time to care for mom. He said they can handle it within the family. No need to invite strangers into the house.
He does not understand how difficult it is/was for me. I have not been outside for 2 weeks now. He does not seem to notice or care. Today as I was running around changing moms sheets after another puke accident my dad walks in and says I need to talk to you. I say “not now, busy”. I was very annoyed. I have not slept at all last night since mom was heaving and trying to throw up all night long. I have not eaten. He knew that. I ask him later what did he want and he said “did you check mom’s clothing for funeral?” I tell him I did not and I will not and I don’t care about funeral, I am too busy taking care of mom while she is alive. He yelled at me that I am being disrespectful and that he is tired of my snappy attitude and I should pack up and leave. Then he called his sister to come and look after mom. How screwed up is that?