Are caregivers willing to work for a senior in a messy house?

This sounds crazy but I'm helping my ex clean up his home. We were married for 35 years and he suffered from depression the whole time. The poor guy fell to pieces when I left and the house is in squalor.
I spent 3 full days in October cleaning out trash and you can now see the floor! He must have 8 years of mail in his bedroom and I removed hundreds of pounds of magazines off his bed. He only had a tiny sleeping space and hadn't changed the "sheets" (what was left of them) in years. 😢

I'm going back at the end of this month and will be concentrating on the guest room and dining room trash, hauling away the upholstered furniture, broken dryer (sitting in the living room!), getting a plumber to open the kitchen sink drain (he does dishes in the hall bathroom!) and tear up all the carpet and linoleum in most of the house and put in waterproof panel flooring.

I've got the most wonderful husband in the world who completely understands my ex needs help and trusts me. (I'm staying with my girlfriend 2 miles away.)

It broke my heart to see him live like this. But he refuses medicine and therapy. I told him he needs to keep the place up after its "done". We'll buy Swiffers and cleaning products for him to use. I will be back later this year or next year to help him with putting on a new roof and getting the heater/aircon working. [As you can well imagine, I coordinated EVERYTHING when we were married.]
I can sympathize with your mom but it's got to be livable.
Good luck.

Are the carpets so filthy that they must be replaced or are they just embarrassingly worn? It seems to me that new drapes and carpet should be the least of your worries. If mom has to pay out of pocket for care, there could be a long, expensive road ahead.

I would make the fridge and foodstuffs the top priority actually. I know food is not technically spoiled at the date printed on it, but it's a good rule of thumb to clear it out. If a food bank would not take it since it has a past date on it, then there's no reason for her to keep it either. I've been known to "accidentally" thow out several perfectly good but past date cans whenever I'm at my MIL's. Her stash is not at all messy, but she hates for things to go to waste. It's less painful for her for these few cans to disappear each visit.

My larger idea is that you simply box up the piles on the tables and label them with where you found them (L sofa, left dining table, top of fridge). They then get out of the way, even along the side of the room and even if you have to take some home to work on there. Only the living areas and one bedroom need to be clear for safety of fire and rescue workers.

Could you find a temporary living situation for her? Some nursing facilities and some assisted living places will do a couple of weeks of respite care. You could have her stay, telling her it's temporary and that you need to fix something crucial like wiring, furnace or plumbing. Then, clean up the place and hire an aide. If your fortunate, she might even get to like the facility and want to stay there.

I used to be a visiting nurse. I saw spotless mansions and fairly extreme cases of hoarding. The worst was a man who lived in a storefront, smoked non-stop and had flies, fleas and cockroaches running around. I had to put a plastic pad down on the "carpet" so the knees of my uniform wouldn't be black. It was the only time I went there. That's where I drew the line.

If your mom's house has any bugs or vermin (rats, mice, snakes, etc.) or their droppings, I would get rid of enough clutter to get an exterminator in to fumigate before you hire anyone.

If her situation is solely clutter and piles, I would not allow an outsider to go through your mother's stuff. That should be what you kids do. Heaven knows what might be in there. (I found my mother's birth certificate and passport in the side pocket of a suitcase.) Also, that way, you gals in charge for what goes and what stays. That isn't the responsibility of the caregiver. I don't see any harm for the c/g to wash clothes, wipe down shelves, vacuum/sweep/mop, organize drawers and the like. She can move piles to other rooms.

I'm sure, under those conditions, you should be able to find someone. Good luck with Mom letting go.

You might need to get workmen’s comp insurance if the Aides not from agencies..if they fall over clutter & gets injured 🤕

Depends on the caregiver.many will help organize and declutter but keep in mind if your loved one sees a stranger touching their belongings it may be stressful for them to watch.When dealing with an agency or even if you do the hiring be specific about what you expect and what needs to be done.Many aides are happy to help with a whole bunch of things as long as they are still taking care of your loved ones basic physical and safety needs.

I understand that I come at this from a severe hoarder's child's perspective, but... The way to really tell if the place is acceptible is to call the house's insurance agent and tell them that mom is messy and needs a caregiver, and as such will need to have workman's comp insurance. Would they come give it a look and see if it is clean enough to insure?

That will tell you beyond a doubt if it's clean enough. A worker is more likely to agree to the conditions if she knows there's insurance already in place, too.

my situation was a bit different as we 3 siblings had to go through 3 floors of 50 years of accumulation in 1 week. Mom was with us and she had the job of going through papers while we made the wrenching decisions to give away or throw away two dumpsters worth of stuff while her attention was diverted.

I asked my SIL what steps she took finding care for her aunt who suffered with hoarding. She said her aunt agreed to allow people clear and clean the living room, bathroom and kitchen areas. They put the bed in the cleared area and the caregiver did not have to venture out of that area. The aunt did not have to address her hoarding issues while also dealing with her own physical decline.

I understand that hoarding is not the issue in your case but if you and your family could clear only a portion of the home, that might increase the number of caregivers willing to help your mom. It also gives you all more time to go through decades worth of treasures deciding how to handle them.

When the aunt died, it took them a year to clear out her house! Yikes!

Oh my gosh, you guys. I opened my email this morning and 15 new responses. I'm going to read through them all now. I want to thank everybody who has taken the time to weigh in with suggestions and comments; your generosity is humbling and I appreciate it so much.

Our mom is an amazing woman who raised five kids by herself when our dad died unexpectedly at the age of 30. She went to work, put herself through college, did so much for us and now it's our turn. She wants to stay home, so we are doing what we can to support that but clearly, we need help now. She needs more help than we can give her. And yes, her environment is less than optimal. That's the reality, that's what we have to deal with.

My original post inquired whether that environment would preclude a caregiver from coming in to help. Based on your responses so far, I am thinking no, it wouldn't, but we will need to be straight up with candidates and clear on expectations. Like I said before, this is uncharted territory for all of us and I'm sure we'll make mistakes as we navigate this 'new normal.' But we have the support of each other, and we aren't alone. I found that out when I took a chance and posted on this website.

Thank you guys, so much. Appreciate it more than you know.

I too had thought that I could do the cleanup myself, in a few days, I was wrong. I live out of state from dad, and I couldn't even start the task, it was and currently still is completely mentally exhausting. So hiring a company who is willing to do the hard dirty work, is worth it. I had to go thru the items and decide what I wanted to keep, and that was hard enough, as I realized that my parents paid for these items with their own money, no credit cards, so it all was worth something, and guiltdriven, but the reality is I do not have enough money to keep these items in locked storage, so sadly have to give everything away, heartbreaking. No closure on this process for me, the will as written does not matter in a guardianship situation, when the client needs money to pay for housing in a memory care unit.

Dad is a hoarder, not to the extent of the TV programs, but none the less he collects stuff. Lots of papers, books, tinned food etc. The worst of it is outside in and around sheds.

Having said that I was able to arrange for home support for him. His lady comes in every two weeks and cleans the kitchen and bathroom, plus sweeps/washes the floors. It is not possible for her to dust, too much clutter.

That will depend on the candidate you hire.

Dear Number 2 Daughter,

So many answers and good esperiences shared with you already.

From my experiences, clutter and grime are not deterrents to a professional caregiver.

You’ll want to protect your family from liability.

The caregiver must must be able to safely do their job. They must be able to exit the home in an emergency without obstacles. They must be able to work without being bitten/stung (pests and pets included) or exposed to chemical or bio hazardous substances. They should have access to a restroom and clean water.

And, before you begin to address the cleaning - remove or secure valuables and personal information from the home.

Best of of luck to you.

Tell your caregiver that you interview, what you need an expect, she will let you know what she is willing to do, if not, keep interviewing untill you find her! The best to you,💝

I was in a situation like this. I had to clean up, throw out expired food, expired over the counter the counter meds. sanitize the unit. The patient was angry but the place was clean.

Any caregiver has that prerogative but I doubt that would be an issue. The only thing I ever refused to deal with was a home with bugs. There are people who happily share their home with bugs and allow them to proliferate. That is the only thing I would refuse to do. As far as household organizing, that stuff is kinda fun and can help me to feel more useful during the client's down time.

HomeHealthCare workers never cared about the condition of our home and said they take precautions like sitting on pads and using sanitizers.

They all said they don't care what the home looks like as long as they can reach the patient.

Once you've shortlisted your candidates and done security checks and what have you, do the final interviews in the home. Your perfect candidate is the one who does a bit of a Mary Poppins and looks on keeping reasonable order as part of the job. This person may also have helpful ideas to contribute to sorting out the muddle.

And don't be downhearted. Although many professional caregivers may prefer a pristine environment, some people like "homely" and want to feel really needed.

Best of luck!

When I worked ELder Care, one of my "jobs" was to help my client de clutter and sort through her things. She had an enormous house, and every closet was jam packed. I worked for about 2 years for her, and when she was at last moved to an ALF, everything but family mementoes were gone. I would ALWAYS make a very detailed list of what we had purged, so somebody in the family would not come back later and be angry.

If I was given a filing cabinet and told to shred EVERYTHING inside, I did so.

Her home was so huge the "hoarding" was not really apparent. But it was still an issue.

I no longer care for my mother, who lives in an 800 sf totally hoarded apartment with YB family. It was heartbreaking and depressing to help her "organize", as she would simply churn through things and after 3 days of hard work, maybe a small garbage bag would go out. She's happy with it like this, I'm sickened. It's NOT hygienic and I wouldn't eat anything she makes....but she feels "hugged" by all the stuff. Someday soon she will be bedridden and then we can make the cleanout changes that need to be done.

In a case like hers--I would have a really hard time working for someone who was as bad a hoarder as she is. Claustrophobia would get to me, fast.

You could try babysteps if your mom is still able to be out of the house a few hours at a time. Perhaps 1 or 2 siblings could take her out to lunch, hairdresser, shopping, drive out to a favorite park or go leaf peeping, etc while others clean one specific area/item: expired meds & foods; magazines, newspapers & junk mail; clothing & linens. Then swap roles the next time. Or maybe a sleepover long weekend with one child while the others tackle entire rooms. It absolutely is best if your mom is on board with the whole cleaning, painting, sprucing up plan. If she totally doesn't want her home & stuff messed with there is not much you can do. Does she really agree to having in home help? That could be part of any resistance to cleaning, repairing, etc. If cleaning & repairing has been mentioned in conjunction with having someone come in to help her & she (secretly? reluctantly?) doesn't want help, then nothing will get done on cleaning or hiring. My guess is your mom loves having the personal time with each of you & has some mixed feelings about being "abandoned" & cared for by a stranger. Hugs to you & best wishes for a positive resolution for all of you!

No2daughter,
My folks did not want outside people rummaging through all of their things, as it stressed them out big time. The way I handled it was .. small projects, over time. My folks had old medicines, old newspapers and magazines, clothes, etc. I would just try to organize one thing at a time... if there’s a ton of paper (mail, old magazines, etc.,) I would sort, organize, then dispose. I handled it all (maybe your siblings could help), then leave The caregiving to the caregivers. Caregivers can still help do things like wash the clothes you want to keep, wipe down counters, organize/ clean a pantry, dust, etc., as you (or your siblings decide what stays and goes) & the main areas that need to be organized. Give yourself time. The main thing is help your mom get a good caregiver. We struggled with caregivers who wanted to sit and be on their phones and not put forth much effort to care for mom. His mighty blessings to you and your mom. Your mom has a blessing in you!!

Hoarding can be a symptom of dementia or of mental illness which progresses as the person ages. Has your mother been diagnosed? Adult Protective Services sometimes will have a person removed from the home, if it is considered an unsafe environment which your mother's environment sounds like. Maybe your mother would respond a little better to a stranger, a social worker? No easy solutions, unfortunately.

You & your sisters are such wonderful daughters. I chuckled because there were 3 of us helping Mom stay “independent” in her home & we had the same distance logistics. An hour away (me), a half hour away (brother), & local (sister). It brought back memories.

Your mom’s place sounded like my mom’s was. The 3-box approach (toss, donate, keep) was very helpful to us. We (well, me, because my sister’s tolerance level for the clutter & filth was much higher than mine) at first focused on the rooms she used all the time — living room, bathroom, kitchen, her bedroom. Meanwhile, we hired an aide who was focused solely on mom’s day-to-day care. Since Mom wouldn’t let her do any light housekeeping at all, I ended up hiring someone else to do the cleaning once a month. Keeping those responsibilities separate was actually easier for everyone.

If you do the 3-box approach, perhaps you & your sisters could each “own” a room to do. Then way it’s easier to pick up from the last time you were there.

And we delegated to the aide the bathing chore, as she had much more experience in that area.

My in-laws’ place, on the other hand, was positively filthy. So bad that my sister-in-law, their own daughter, flat out refused to set foot in the place to help. There was no way we could expect an aide to jeopardize their own health by going in there. Thankfully, it sounds like you will never reach that stage.

she must be rich to be able to hire a caregiver. Sitters are about $20 an hour. Hands on care is about $30-$40 an hour. One way or another the "system" will eat up her assets. the cost of care is expensive. If you hire someone ongoing--unless you pay under the table (which there is NO record where the money went if she needs to go on medicaid later) you will become their legal employer which means you have to take out taxes...and if you go that route and they CLAIM to get injured in her home, that person she hires can sue the estate for injuries. That's why I use an agency who is licensed and insured...the alleged injured worker will go on Workman's Compensation.

Get your mom a med ready pill dispenser. You can buy or rent them. I would buy as I probably paid for my mom's four or five times over. It will dispense 28 doses of pills. So if she takes pills twice a day, you can set it for that. The machine can be a tad tricky until you get used to setting it. Always make sure the little lever is toward the middle and the door down when you lock the machine. It beeps when they need to take their meds, and they slide the little door up and there is the dose. My mom had Alzheimers but the machine was easy for her to use. And yes, most CNA's are used to all kinds of living conditions. Of course it's always more fun to take care of someone in a perfect environment but it's not a perfect world. Just let her know you are working on it.

In many cases part of a caregivers job description reads.."light housekeeping" so you can ask the person you hire to help out with a few things as well.
Do not have them toss things out or begin to "declutter" but she or he can clean an area after you have completed what you are doing. I am not talking about "deep" cleaning but dusting, vacuum, and a light mopping of the floor.
I would say most caregivers have "seen it all" and as long as it is "safe" for them as well as your Mom you should not have a problem finding someone.
I would think it is more common than we would like to think that many seniors are finding it difficult to clean as well as they used to and or toss things out.

I know of one caregiver that turned down a job in a house that is/was almost a hoarder type house but that is not the reason they turned down the job..the reason is the woman that needed the caregiver and her husband both smoke and the woman is on oxygen. The caregiver did not feel that it was a safe place for her to work.

I understand your situation. My mom is 90 and lives in a house by herself. She is a true hoarder, all 3 bedrooms floor to ceiling stuff ( can’t get in . 1 bathroom full of boxes and stuff hall has piles of stuff all the way down, kitchen piled full not useable only can cook with microwave, den has a path to her chair with the floor covered with magazines, newspaper and old mail, living room is piled full of stuff, hard to walk around. She won’t let anyone in because she’s scared someone will turn her in . House has not been cleaned in 30 years. I am an only child and live 8 hours away. I have to stay in a hotel when I go up and she gets mad when I show up. If I touch anything in the house she explodes and screams, cries and yells. Once I tried to throw out a Pringle’s can empty and she exploded. I worry if she falls on all this stuff she will need help and nobody would find her. My mom won’t give anyone a key not even me and won’t give anyone power of attorney or sign the HIPPA forms. If my mom ever needed care in the home no one would go in there . It smells and is unsafe. Parts of the floor is falling in and the asphyxiates in the floor has cracked and is exposed. I really don’t know what to do and worry every minute of every day. Oh and on top of everything she is stone deaf even with a hearing aide.

My guess is no, because nobody wants to work in a less-than-safe environment. But money speaks. At the right price, I am sure you’ll find someone.

Hi,I am a caregiver of 30’years and I take care of patients in their homes.A good caregiver will take on her care no matter what. I have decluttered homes (at family instructions) and as a part of ur Mothers care keeping her environment clean and safe is one of the many things that a caregiver should want to do as it is very important also..I do know with agencies they have their own policies and procedures.But if u hire an individual privately they should know this has to be done and is a part of her care..The care and her safety ( with clutter) should be expected to be done while they r with ur loved one. One should never pay anyone to just sit when they are caring for ur loved one.Good luck with finding a person that does what needs to be done with a happy face and a huge compassionate heart.