I am older than dirt, 75, my life is full, I serve on 2 HOA boards and 1 Corporate Board. I travel, drive my motorhome all over and have fun!
My motto is "Busy Hands Are Happy Hands"!
Where I live it is a 55+ community, most are miserable and some are very nasty, they are mad because they cannot do what the used to and have no inclination to pivot and do new things. All they do is complain, yet do nothing to improve the situation.
My mother is a Narc, she has been nasty and trouble all her life. I no longer talk to her, I had enough of her toxic dumping.
I do not surround myself with those miserable old people, I leave them in my dust.
Take back your life, get out of the situation you are in, don't let this person turn you into a mini me. You will be surprised how behavior can rub off on another.
I think Anne brought up a topic that is bothering a lot of people, including me. some people even wish their elders should die. but it doesn't bother me so much any more. That is because I've befriended an elderly woman, who, despite her physical disabilities, she is filled with love and happiness. She is friendly, humorous, and clever. I love to listen to her tails of 70-80 years ago, and I benefit from her rich life experiences. This finally satiated my long nagging question of why old people exist. [I used to think that they're here just to make our lives miserable.] now I know that they're here to give us a better life, and to give us a chance to show them appreciation for preparing the world for our generation. And about the narcissistic people, like my mother, they're here to help us become healthier and better people by learning how to create real healthy boundaries and still be nice to them. the book "THE BOUNDARY IS YOU" helped me a lot with this. good luck! Belle
No. All old people are not miserable hateful. I've known old folks who were cool. They do exist. No one has to tolerate and live with abuse. You do not have to either.
Other than people not liking the aging process, for obvious reasons, if there is narcissism present, that usually worsens with age. They’ll attack whoever is closest to them.
My mother decided that my sister would be the new kid and I don’t take abuse so, I left, as per advice from the psychological community. Lots of resources for this on YouTube.
Of course not. Generalizations over-simplify complex issues. Health problems, housing changes, financial concerns and losses thru death of loved ones and friends are huge challenges. Problems with memory make these even more difficult. If your relationship with an elderly relative has always been bad, it becomes more difficult as he/she ages. Compassion is needed; if that’s not possible, it’s best for all involved to make arrangements reflective of the senior’s needs and limit contacts that are toxic for everyone. Caring for aging relatives - you might compare it to the complex issues faced when raising teenagers - can be challenging but must be done with caring and acceptance.
many of us (in particular daughters) are in the same situation.
—— i’m not sure if what i write here about abusers is right:
but it seems, abusive people are often frustrated/unhappy/bitter with their own lives (unfulfilled career, unfulfilled dreams, etc.).
and this often is the mother (sometimes the father).
i suppose people who are proud and happy with the way they lived their lives, are not likely to abuse other people.
in other words, they’re lashing out at you, to make themselves feel better.
they’re not proud of themselves, not proud of their life, and take it out on you.
abusers sometimes pick on sons. but the great majority, pick on daughters.
—— in addition, you’re younger. you have a whole life ahead of you. abusers are jealous.
some want to destroy any chance you have at a life.
——
live your life. :) we must help others AND ourselves.
let your success in life be their happiness. a loving parent wants you to succeed and be happy!
in addition, annenicole, you’re a girl, like me!! :) EVEN MORE SO, we must be allowed to go for our dreams/goals/life!!! no more holding back us women. no more destroying our lives.
pre-new-year hug!!! :)
—— i had a great xmas with my parents :). i wore my Santa beard and Santa hat, and arrived with lots of surprises. i also ate lots of cookies and milk, which bundle of joy had left out for me :).
For my situation, if my suddenly golden child sister decides to dump malignant narc mom, nothing further is due mom. I don’t worry about it. She’ll become a ward of the state then. With the abuse from her and, then, attempted abuse from my sister, after all of the years I was close with mom, I wasn’t expecting to get anything anyway. So, my work is done. Time for me.
I am so so sorry. Was she always this way ? My mother was- even to the end- screaming at me to do things her way.
Sometimes it is the fear of aging and death and they act mean to feel power over another. Sometimes it is trauma from their life they never addressed. No excuses though, they are an adult.
Know you do not have to take abuse. It is not ok to be abused. Call local aging services, home health aid programs and discuss what is normal and what isnt.
I agree with your answer. I had one elderly person that called all her neighbors told lies on me to them and to the agency. I was not allowed to go outside unless it was to take out the trash. I would have preferred to eat my lunch away from her in peace since she was constantly yelling, complaining and being abusive verbally. All the other aides were either chased away or quit because this woman was just a handful to deal with. I haven't worked in two weeks because the first week at home I did not feel safe. It has taken me this long just to regroup. You read about elder abuse all the time, but people forget these people were once young. A person will either get more reflective in their twilight years or become more aggressive and mean reliving unresolved issues from their younger years.
Yes and I'm one of them! I'm early 70s used to b beautiful and now I'm a robot taking care of my husband for 3 yrs. I was strong, efficient, a warrior, but I am tired and shutting down. Missing the alive me. So yes, today I am a bitch!
No. My parents, who are in their 70's, are pretty nice. My mom tends to gripe about politics too much, but that's about it. It's more annoying than anything else. My 94 year old MIL complains a lot, but definitely not miserable or hateful.
If your mom has always been abusive to you, why are you caring for her now?
I'll reply from my own perspective and that of experts I've heard: we're still trying to get her love. It took me into my 60s to finally realize that my mother never will love me no matter how much I do and give her.
As a loved child, you'll never understand, but as an unloved child the hope that one day your mother will love you is overwhelming.
Of course society and the media don't help. They idolize mothers and assume all mothers are loving caring angels that automatically have a "mother instinct." Wrong, but when you're brainwashed daily to believe it, one keeps trying to get it.
TaylorUK- Don't know if you can "make up" for abuse you've "heaped on someone" during their life. But a SINCERE apology can often help... not a flip "gee, I didn't mean to..." or " I was going through a difficult time because....". Don't try to make your behavior understandable. It wasn't then, and maybe won't be now. The best thing may be to just say something like. "I'm SO sorry for the things I did (or said)...can you forgive me? I really want us to have a good relationship". Then let them say what's on their mind. Listen, REALLY listen. Try to understand. Don't interrupt until they've said whatever they want. Sometimes a conversation like this will help restore a badly damaged relationship. Sometimes things are beyond repair. If there is no improvement, at least you've given it your best effort.
But, if you’ve been the recipient of that abuse, you don’t need to apologize or you will always be considered the one who will keep the peace, at the expense of yourself.
From your profile: "I’m not well myself and I’m caring for my mother who is horrible to me and has been my whole life. I’m alone, nobody else to help her."
I’ve left my narcissistic family situation. Personally, I’m not worried at all. Mom’s abuse of me began years ago so, she’s responsible. I’ve left and think of my family as just distant strangers now. If my sister decides to dump mom, mom will simply become a ward of the state and they can acquire whatever assets she has, to do that. It’s not as if she actually loves either daughter anyway, whether my sister knows that or not. Narcissists, typically, don’t love any of their children, no matter what roles they force them to play.
After being in your situation, I came to the same conclusion. It's horrible to be pushed so much so that we have to believe that. It's somewhat akin to me with pets. I used to love dogs and cats, but now their owners are all so horrible (not picking up their droppings, ignoring leash and other animal related laws, not caring if others might have health or past trauma issues with animals), I've come to hate pet owners too.
I hope you find a way to take care of you. I had to leave and my evil mother has not stopped constant retaliation on me for not giving up my remaining years (as I had the rest of my life) to be her free and abused slave. She's still attempting to kill me and has done everything she can to destroy me. This from a woman in her 90s. It doesn't end. Sending you strength.
To the people who generalize and say "it's not their fault" - wrong. Some of us have an abusive parent who despite their advanced years do NOT have dementia or Alheimers. They are just evil hateful people.
I had a dad that was like that. After my mother died, he really showed his true colors. He spent his last twenty-five years demonizing me. He died in 2014, and left all his bio children $1.00 including his disabled daughter. His wife and her children are still living in the family home that he willed to them. My dad beat my mom. One thing I know for certain, is that abusers do not change. They get worse when they age. If they can't beat you physically, they will pick one person and try to destroy them which is usually the youngest child.
Hi so is my mom once in awhile she thinks I'm a stranger at times..She is 90 yrs old with alzhiemers and bedridden.This has been going on for 13months off and on but it's not their fault it must be hard for them giving up their independence not knowing what is going on in their mind that changes. It's hard I learned as I went thru it then I was able to get help I'm not the only daughter.My reward will be is I did the best to my ability with love and when she acts out I don't take it personal it's not her anymore..(prayers to you)
Not everyone. I adore my Aunt. She and my Uncle are not miserable and hateful. We are estranged. They think I was wrong to put my parents in Assisted Living.
Hey! Please take care of yourself. Get a therapist. Take a break from caring for your mother to be in an activity that you enjoy. Hang out with people that like you, and that you like to be around. Don’t share anything with your Mom that could potentially be used against you by your Mom to hurt your feelings or manipulate you. Accept your emotions and only share them with trustworthy people. You are worthy of respect and love, even if your Mom is not capable of giving that love to you.
Thank you, ermini, for a most helpful response - for me at least. I'm going to write it down and read it daily. I'm sure it will help the original poster and others in similar situations too.
In short, my mother had NPD; her mother and her great aunt, who helped rear her, only saw the negative in life. Exposure to family and working in a NH exposed me to many different situations. Many elderly females of the Greatest Generation were denied careers, never fulfilled their hopes or dreams, lacked excitement in their life, or perhaps were trapped in marriage when divorce was not accepted. Many lived their lives only through their children. To come to the end of life and realize there's no more time for such hopes is certain to create depression. Men may also have felt trapped in an unsuccessful marriage or a dead end job, or for whatever reason, not able to attain their hopes in life. Think how these people felt. How would you feel if you had lived a day to day life and were never able to do anything you'd hoped to do in your life, or felt disappointed in an unfulfilling life? If you looked back and saw nothing to point to as an accomplishment? Nothing to leave as a legacy? To realize there is no more time (or good health) to dream, accomplish or fulfill anything must be disappointing. For some, anger at life or those people (children, for example) thought to have prevented a happy fulfilling life may bear the brunt of the anger.
OK, then the person who posted this question should do all they can to live their life fully now and not throw it away being abused. The cycle has to stop sometime.
No. I don't believe all old people are miserable and hateful. Most of them are, but not all. I'd put it at 80/20 split in favor of most are miserable, hateful, narcissistic, and resentful. I find that old women are usually meaner, more miserable, more negative and enjoy fight instigating far more than old guys do. They like to stir up the sh*t pot a lot more too. Old guys usually don't care. My father certainly wasn't a miserable guy and he lived to be 91. He was also in remarkably robust health though. My mother on the other hand has always been a miserable, negative downer about everything and only got worse with advancing age. No one has to tolerate abuse from anyone else at any age. If your mother is abusive stop being her caregiver. Put her in a nursing home and let them handle her abuse. You don't have to.
I am 88 and live in assisted living and steer clear of everyone. I can't walk but am super high functioning - still work two jobs I love (51 years and 15 years); took six years of on-line college courses - 60 courses); handle all of my own affairs; tend to my hobbies and my kitty and still drive (safely). I despise how my body has destroyed my heart and soul and I am fearful of what is happening but one thing is sure - I AM GOING TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND DO WHAT A NORMAL 30 YEAR OLD CAN DO (EXCEPT WALK) AND AGAINST IMPOSSIBLE ODDS I DO SUCCEED. As a result, I can cope; I have an ounce of self-respect left; seek new activities and friendships and anything exciting and fulfilling - if I did not do that, I would put one foot, then two, into the deep hole. I refuse to be a typical, "dead" old senior with nasty attitudes and indifference to living a full life. I don't understand old people who just give up and lie down and wait to die. Many are tired, scared, and have given up and as a result can be nasty - so I just run in another direction. I look at this time as being the end so I want to cram everything possible into my short time left and do good wherever I can (and I do that). Yes, many are old, crabby, nasty, impatient - you can have them. Not me.
And if you have someone in your presence or life who behaves in a negative manner, I would put them in their place and let them know this is unacceptable, no matter what there reason, and it will NOT be tolerated. Remove yourself if they don't stop or place them. Do not ever accept this behavior or abuse from anyone - ever!
Yes they can be and it will intensify especially if you are spending too much time in each others company. She is obviously taking her frustration of growing old and infirm out on you even if she doesn’t intend to. I struggle with my 97 year old mother on a daily basis and a friend told me .. ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’
Quite a few seem to be! Or at least those are the ones we hear about on here because people need help managing it. The important thing is getting the right kind of help. A diagnosis if you suspect some kind of dementia is at the bottom of it and support - either professional or fanily because abuse usually gets worse if unchecked. Good luck!
Frustration and irritation by old person normal, abuse not normal. It may be that because this has been going on it seems normal to you but it isn't. She is what she has made her self - maybe from her own upbringing - but you don't have to put up with this, you can break the cycle. Have her assessed for facility suitability and consult an elder lawyer about what can be afforded and move her out, or move yourself out and take your life back. Its too short to spend being abused even if the abuser is scared of getting old or whatever, they have been able to make their own choices, now you make yours - and I totally appreciate how difficult that is. Whatever you decide to do about living apart some supportive therapy may help you.
Sorry to hear that; if it’s possible, for her sake as well as yours, an assisted living setting sounds essential. My mother was cranky most of her life UNTIL she was about 90. As she aged and dementia set in, she became very sweet and loving. My siblings lived all over the country - CA, MI, and Washington DC. My parents retired to FL and when could no longer manage living independently they moved to MN where I live. Dad died 3 weeks after they moved here. Mom had been very dependent on him; within a month of his death it was clear that she couldn’t manage living alone in their assisted living facility. She required psychiatric hospitalization and ultimately placement in a nursing home. She was there 12 years until her death shortly before her 100th birthday. For her, and me, it was a miracle when she became sweet and loving. Psychiatric medicine played a crucial role, AND did not make her drowsy.
So glad that your mom got good geriatric psychiatric care. As you say, the right medication works wonders. Drowsiness is an early side effect of many meds...but wears off in a week or two as the body adjusts. Also, once agitation is under control, the person often sleeps deeply for long periods of time...all that poor sleep and no sleep with agitation and nightmares creates exhaustion. Often this is blamed on meds...except for inpatient treatment centers who know how to manage and monitor. Having her express love and affection in the last decade must have been wonderful.
Its your choice to tolerate her abuse. It ALWAYS is. Make some bounderies with her and if she doesnt respect them find other help for her. Life is too short to be a victim.
I'll add what my therapist (the first one who understood narcissistic abusive mothers) and many others I've read say: do NOT blame yourself for the "choice" you were probably brainwashed, manipulated or abused into making. You also probably made that choice out of being a caring, loving person. Applaud yourself for being that kind of person. Applaud yourself for being on this site as you start your healing journey. Wishing you (and all of us in the same boat) a better future.
No! Not all old people are miserable and hateful. Many do have depression and this may be part of what you are seeing. Please get a referral for your mom for a geriatric psychiatrist.
My motto is "Busy Hands Are Happy Hands"!
Where I live it is a 55+ community, most are miserable and some are very nasty, they are mad because they cannot do what the used to and have no inclination to pivot and do new things. All they do is complain, yet do nothing to improve the situation.
My mother is a Narc, she has been nasty and trouble all her life. I no longer talk to her, I had enough of her toxic dumping.
I do not surround myself with those miserable old people, I leave them in my dust.
Take back your life, get out of the situation you are in, don't let this person turn you into a mini me. You will be surprised how behavior can rub off on another.
And about the narcissistic people, like my mother, they're here to help us become healthier and better people by learning how to create real healthy boundaries and still be nice to them. the book "THE BOUNDARY IS YOU" helped me a lot with this.
good luck!
Belle
No one has to tolerate and live with abuse. You do not have to either.
My mother decided that my sister would be the new kid and I don’t take abuse so, I left, as per advice from the psychological community. Lots of resources for this on YouTube.
hug :).
i'm just kidding around.
i know you're right, elleoop.
happy new year!!! :) :) :)
here only a few more hours to go!!!
This is always first in my mind and heart as I walk through this with my Mom.
Set boundaries, walk away, spare yourself.
terrible she abuses you. :(
many of us (in particular daughters) are in the same situation.
——
i’m not sure if what i write here about abusers is right:
but it seems, abusive people are often frustrated/unhappy/bitter with their own lives (unfulfilled career, unfulfilled dreams, etc.).
and this often is the mother (sometimes the father).
i suppose people who are proud and happy with the way they lived their lives, are not likely to abuse other people.
in other words, they’re lashing out at you, to make themselves feel better.
they’re not proud of themselves, not proud of their life, and take it out on you.
abusers sometimes pick on sons. but the great majority, pick on daughters.
——
in addition, you’re younger.
you have a whole life ahead of you.
abusers are jealous.
some want to destroy any chance you have at a life.
——
live your life. :)
we must help others AND ourselves.
let your success in life be their happiness.
a loving parent wants you to succeed and be happy!
in addition, annenicole, you’re a girl, like me!! :)
EVEN MORE SO, we must be allowed to go for our dreams/goals/life!!! no more holding back us women. no more destroying our lives.
pre-new-year hug!!! :)
——
i had a great xmas with my parents :).
i wore my Santa beard and Santa hat, and arrived with lots of surprises. i also ate lots of cookies and milk, which bundle of joy had left out for me :).
bundle of joy :)
My mother was- even to the end- screaming at me to do things her way.
Sometimes it is the fear of aging and death and they act mean to feel power over another. Sometimes it is trauma from their life they never addressed. No excuses though, they are an adult.
Know you do not have to take abuse. It is not ok to be abused. Call local aging services, home health aid programs and discuss what is normal and what isnt.
You read about elder abuse all the time, but people forget these people were once young. A person will either get more reflective in their twilight years or become more aggressive and mean reliving unresolved issues from their younger years.
If your mom has always been abusive to you, why are you caring for her now?
As a loved child, you'll never understand, but as an unloved child the hope that one day your mother will love you is overwhelming.
Of course society and the media don't help. They idolize mothers and assume all mothers are loving caring angels that automatically have a "mother instinct." Wrong, but when you're brainwashed daily to believe it, one keeps trying to get it.
Don't try to make your behavior understandable. It wasn't then, and maybe won't be now.
The best thing may be to just say something like. "I'm SO sorry for the things I did (or said)...can you forgive me? I really want us to have a good relationship".
Then let them say what's on their mind. Listen, REALLY listen. Try to understand. Don't interrupt until they've said whatever they want.
Sometimes a conversation like this will help restore a badly damaged relationship. Sometimes things are beyond repair. If there is no improvement, at least you've given it your best effort.
Why can't she go to a facility?
I hope you find a way to take care of you. I had to leave and my evil mother has not stopped constant retaliation on me for not giving up my remaining years (as I had the rest of my life) to be her free and abused slave. She's still attempting to kill me and has done everything she can to destroy me. This from a woman in her 90s. It doesn't end. Sending you strength.
To the people who generalize and say "it's not their fault" - wrong. Some of us have an abusive parent who despite their advanced years do NOT have dementia or Alheimers. They are just evil hateful people.
Being old is frustrating… painful, lonely and elderly are subject to constant age discrimination.
We are estranged. They think I was wrong to put my parents in Assisted Living.
My father certainly wasn't a miserable guy and he lived to be 91. He was also in remarkably robust health though. My mother on the other hand has always been a miserable, negative downer about everything and only got worse with advancing age.
No one has to tolerate abuse from anyone else at any age.
If your mother is abusive stop being her caregiver. Put her in a nursing home and let them handle her abuse. You don't have to.
I struggle with my 97 year old mother on a daily basis and a friend told me ..
‘Familiarity breeds contempt’
The important thing is getting the right kind of help. A diagnosis if you suspect some kind of dementia is at the bottom of it and support - either professional or fanily because abuse usually gets worse if unchecked.
Good luck!
Boot her out.
Also, once agitation is under control, the person often sleeps deeply for long periods of time...all that poor sleep and no sleep with agitation and nightmares creates exhaustion. Often this is blamed on meds...except for inpatient treatment centers who know how to manage and monitor.
Having her express love and affection in the last decade must have been wonderful.