I think that old mom's tend to be harsher with their daughters then anyone else.
Whatever it stems from, it is okay for you to tell her to stop, be nice and you can walk aware until she behaves civilized.
I have told both my parents that I expect the same treatment they would give a complete stranger. I don't jump in their faces and I am not going to have them jumping in mine.
If she can't treat you with courtesy and civility then maybe a strange caregiver would be a better solution.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. Doesn't matter that she is your mom, you are an adult and no longer under her authority. You do what you do because you want to, not because she abuses you into it and if that isn't the case, time to step back and reassess the situation. You matter too!
Was she ever any different? If she was once lovely and sweet, then you are likely looking at someone who has descended into dementia of the type that causes this behavior. If she was always this way, well then nothing is changed. I don't think we change a lot with age in our attitude in all truth. My brother remained kind, organized (even when he was having Lewy's) concerned with others, gentle. I remain more the tough type. I will say this, the infirmities of age and what we deal with in our daily struggles does NOT become easier with age. If the knee doesn't hurt then the back does. We tend to lose things, from the household keys to our minds and the continence of our bodies. It isn't for sissies, as they say, and I doubt it improves our outlooks. The times they keep a-changin and we find the old world we knew how to negotiate preferrable. We are perhaps depressed by all age gives us and all it takes away. All of that said, no matter the condition of your elder, don't take abuse.
No, of course all old people aren't miserable & hateful, but many are. Per your profile, your mother has always been this way so as she ages, those ugly character traits tend to magnify. My mother will be 95 next month & dementia has magnified her ugly character traits to the 9th degree, so what I do is I limit my exposure to her. I also let her know that I'm leaving her presence and/or hanging up the phone when she starts up with her ranting. If I were you, I'd hire outside help to come in and care for her so you can back off on the hands on care you're giving her. Let her know, too, that you will be leaving her presence when she gets acting hateful towards you. You're not her punching bag, so let her know it!
No, all old people are no different than people of other ages, but dementia can change as person, as Alva said.
You don't have to tolerate abuse that endangers you or gets too personal, but if the abuse is an old woman with no filters left raging at the injustices of old age, perhaps compassion is the best response.
No. I cared for my Husband and he was a sweetheart. Has mom been like this all your life? Maybe it is time to step back. She can hire caregivers that can come and do much of what you are doing. If mom can afford it Assisted Living is a viable option. If YOU are living with mom the house may have to be sold to pay for some of her care. If mom is living with YOU then the income she has Social Security, Pension or any other funds should be used to pay for her care. She should be paying you, she can pay for caregivers, she should be contributing to household expenses. And you discuss with her that if she does not improve her attitude then she will have to find other living arrangements. Options would be Senior housing, she would have no help other than what she directly pays for. Assisted Living, there are caregivers on site that will help her with ADL's as well as housecleaning, dining room would provide at least 2 meal a day so she would not have to shop or cook.,
You are an adult not Moms child to abuse. I am not passed a little threat. "Mom if you can't treat me with the same respect you expect from me. I refuse to take this abuse anymore. If things don't change, I will leave. When I do I will call APS and they can take over your care and they will put u wherever they see fit"
Keep telling yourself, she needs you more than you need her. Look up "gray rock method" and see if this is something you can use on her. Read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Do not play into her abuse. Leave the room.
"All old people misererable..?" No. Here are some more questions to ask yourself;
Do grown up children always need to be their parent's full-time caregiver? No.
Must an adult child give up their own home, job, family, hobbies to ensure their parent continues to live in their own home, just the way they wish? No.
Does being a daughter mean you have to be the caregiver? No.
Are you the only person qualified to be Mother's caregiver? No.
Great Questions and answers to those you posed. People have to think for themselves, seek out assistance from other family members, neighbors, and professional people who deal with these problems all the time.
"My 89 year mother, who I am caring for alone, is abusive to me".
What can change here? Mother being 89? No.
Caring for alone? Yes.
Is abusive to me? Maybe. You cannot change Mother's behaviour completely.. but by setting some boundaries, ignoring her rudeness, abuse, bad behaviour & rewarding politeness & good behaviour you may be able to 'train' her somewhat. Eg you can leave the room every single time.
What sort of abuse? Is it verbal? "I don't need you (child) telling me what to do or how to do it?" That *loss of control* type anger spilling out at you?
Report behaviour to her Doctor. It can be *adjustment to aging* issues. A checkup & a good Geriatrician may be needed. A medication review also.
Or is there physical abuse like throwing things, scratching, biting, hitting out?
Violent behaviour may need an inpatient psychiatric review.
Many old people have brains that are worn out and damaged too. This affects their perception of reality and their judgement. They lose the ability to interact properly with others. Those who show negative social behavior, are not even aware that their behavior is inappropriate. Don't waste your time trying to change them or react defensively. Consider them as impaired sick people and totally ignore their odd behavior. Do not take it personally, like if they were rational, because they are not.
Many can be impossible, mine was. So sorry you are having to deal with this alone. That was my situation as well, only child. I hope you are able to find outside help and maybe a facility to take over.
I found a great nursing home to take over when my mom was discharged from the hospital after another bad fall. Sometimes, the hospital stay and subsequent discharge can be the trigger to getting them into maybe rehab first and then into a long term nursing home care. Just make sure the facility post hospital stay qualifies for both Medicare and Medicaid before picking one. Also, adult Protective Services (APS) or your local area agency on aging can be helpful too with facility placement if she is not safe where she is. With any facilities, just to not agree/sign to take them back much less pay for their care. If you say No to both then the local/state agencies will have to figure out a placement.
Assistive Living can be great if she has the funds for this, but in our area it is about $150K per yer and my mom had no where near this amount. And no, I was not going to pay for it either. Thankfully my mom qualified for Medicaid within a few months given no assets but Medicaid also requires the person to meet the state's "level of care" determination. If dementia is present and there are limitations on ADLs this should not be that hard to meet. If there are lots of assets, make sure you have a POA and just start spending down.
Back to behavior issues, unclear which part of the behavior is just there (my mom was verbally abusive to me my entire life) and which part is dementia. But certainly the dementia adds to behavior issues as they loose any filters that might have been there previously as to what is or is not acceptable behavior.
But as others have said/posted here:
You do NOT need to be your mother's personal punching bag (verbal or otherwise). You do NOT need to care nor pay for your mother's care by yourself, getting them the care they need but provided by others is still proving care. You Can and Should set limits, including boundaries on acceptable behavior. You Can and Should choose to walk away when the boundaries are broken. You Can and Should say NO when needed, and remember NO is a complete sentence. You Can and Should find ways to protect yourself. No person -- including one's own mother -- has not right to abuse you verbally or otherwise.
. Agreed. Finding a setting where she can receive appropriate help with daily living and medications, so she is safe and clean and fed and stays on her medication regimen is what she needs. Nowhere is it written that caregivers must be unpaid family members who are constantly in attendance for every whim and wish and complaint and insult that is spoken.
Many are miserable. When you think about it, why wouldn't they be? They have lost independence. Mobility is limited. Vision is poor. Hearing is muffled. Memory is impaired. Life is waning. Friends and family have died. Old age is a tough spot. And being on the receiving end of tbeir misery.
In addition to what you're saying, I remember a few years ago when I had neuropathy and it was before I was put on a good medication to treat it.
I was living in my own private hell, as are hundreds of others that have neuropathy. I got badly offended when someone used my agitation against me and used it to evaluate my moral character. Because of the ongoing severe discomfort, I was getting mad at inanimate objects that wouldn't cooperate with me more than at people. I would have liked some consideration instead of a judgement and the assumption that I'm belligerent. During other episodes of illness, I have wanted to get away from people as fast as I could. These episodes of severe discomfort and illness have taught me to see what old people go through sometimes. A lot of them are in nursing homes or home care where they can't escape from the people they're with.
Please know that you’re not alone. Your post drew me in as I am dealing with the same thing. I’m an only child dealing with my 87 year old mom and 15 1/2 year old dog. I’ve been both verbally and physically abused by my mom. Its really not anything new- just more often now that she’s older. It’s not easy at all and I know aging is not easy on her. I’m thankful for groups like this.
Most people are aware of the fact that aging affects all the organs in the human body, but many forget that the brain and the personality also ages. Personality disorders tend to get worse with age. The loss of brain cells cause cognitive decline in everybody. More, or less pronounced, but not everyone develops demencia. Aging causes a universal decline in memory (mainly recent memory), in calculation, orientation and thought processing. If this mental impairment is accompanied by a loss of hearing and visual acuity, the old person feels lost and becomes extremely frightened and frustrated. Since the behavior regulatory centers in the brain are damaged too, the elderly loses inhibition and can't control his/her aggressive impulses. They turned into a naughty and stubborn child. They are mentally impaired and cannot be held responsible for their actions.
Along with being aggressive and uninhibited, they can also commit crimes that include sexual and physical abuse. Even when you know it's their disease process, it can still leave you enraged. I have seen people carry on like crooked lawyers to defend them and also scapegoat their victims.
You don't have to put up with her abuse. Time to find different care taking arrangements cuz this is not good or healthy for YOU. Hire caregivers with her money or she's going to have to go into a facility of some sort.
No, while some are there are some I knew who were so kind and thoughtful. From what I’ve read, and heard from some others and also observed is that age can accentuate personality traits so a person who is is kind becomes very sweet and loving in old age and a selfish mean spirited person becomes even more so w age. For those in the small segment of the population w narcissistic disorder become worse
When my mom had Alzheimer's, she was verbally abusive to me at times. She would tell me to "Drop dead and go some place warm." She would never say this to anyone about anything, let alone to me about nothing. I had to remind myself that it was the disease talking. I even wrote a book about our travails called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I think the Alzheimer's brain has trouble sorting out feelings, so they might become unhappy whereas prior to that, they might have been happy people. I tried to find the humor in things for my own sanity, like when my mom wanted to tell someone that she pounded the pavement, looking for a job, (accounting) in NY after college, but what she said was, "I walked the street of NY, if you know what I mean," I knew that I had to appreciate the humor that was coming my way. (My mom might have been a sweet talker, but she wasn't a street walker.) Best of luck.
My friend who is 90 and shares a house with me became hostile, abusive and aggressive with me. She almost pushed me down a flight of stairs. I’m her caregiver. It turned out to be a result of the medication Keppra. She is off it now and back to the person I used to know, for the most part.
Do not dismay. When my mom had weeks to live she was sad and mean. Helpless to halt the trajectory toward the end she became combative, verbally abusive and more as her way of not wanting to say goodbye. I sung back to her....clapped my hands and danced around her calling her name out loud and hugged her tight as I could to let her know I loved her and that everything was going to be ok. And it was. She passed shortly after our episodes holding my hand and calling out my name until her last breath! To God be the glory!
Your profile states that your mother has been horrible to you all your life, so I don't see any reason to associate her current abusiveness with older age.
I try not to be pious and politically correct, I make allowances for what people are going through, and I can normally find a lighter side to things even if it's not obvious at first sight; but this time I'm afraid your question is one I just do find extremely offensive. No of course all old people are not miserable and hateful. What are "all" children like, or "all" middle-aged women?
You can't only just have discovered that your mother's treatment of you is unacceptable. Stop seeing her as an old person, start seeing her as a responsible adult, and alter your expectations of both her and yourself. If she won't or you can't improve the relationship, you must find other sources of hands-on care for her. Not an easy job, but one for which, if you need to do it, you will find endless support on this forum.
Gee, I hope not. I am old and I do not feel miserable and hateful! There is a saying that "As we age, we become more of who we really are.". This pretty much fits what you describe of your mother's attitude as long as you have known her.
You are so right, it is really hard to be someone’s sole caregiver and it can often get to the point where it is too much for both of them. This is the point I think when people often come to the conclusion that residential care is better for both loved ones (patient and caregiver).
If your mother wasn't abusive when she was younger, then I imagine it probably has something to do with the aging process. My own Mom who turns 92 in March has gotten abusive towards some people that she wasn't abusive towards before. I think we need to learn to deal with them differently when they get a lot older.I mean is it something that she is saying that you can ignore or kind of laugh it off without feeling bad about it? ( you won't be laughing at your mother, just keeping your spirits high in a sense) Are there underlying factors like are memory problems beginning to set in? It would be easier to try and answer with a little more information. God bless you.
You're frustrated. It's understandable. What's going on with mom? If it's Alzheimer's, then her brain has changed, and possibly her personality. It could be temporary or permanent. Is there anyone who can help you? Relieve you? Can you hire someone?
And no, all old people aren't the same. But you knew that.
I find that the abusive ones are the ones that lived for themselves and now have nobody but themselves. They are feeling sorry for themselves. My narcissistic mother that I have been taking care of for seven years has put my through Hell. My saving grace has been a video called: 10 tactics to put a narcissist in their place and ten tactics to make a narcissist you. Both are on youtube and you can download them as an mp3 for free (legally ) on 4k video downloader. I listen to them twice a day to keep them ingrained in my mind. Now I do not take her crap and my life is greatly improved.
No not 'all' but some, maybe many, because they may be afraid, in pain, confused, resentful their life is coming to a close, having regrets from their life choices/experiences, etc., and she's taking it out on you because you're 'there.' And if this was a lifelong pattern for her, aging magnifies personality issues. Protect yourself, make sure your mom is safe (they all deserve that as human beings), reflect on your own behavior/attitude, and seek professional guidance (elder attorneys, social workers, her docs, counselors, area aging agencies, etc.) for the best plan forward. You are alone, she is alone, and it could be that each of you is reacting to the stress each is enduring, a sort of 'vicious cycle.' Thank you for reaching out; realize it's time to find a better way for Both of you. It is possible, with creativity; we all will age and we all learn from everyone's experiences even tho each path is different; 'take the best and leave the rest.'
Not all old people are miserable and hateful, myself included. I'm 72 years old and do not my children tobe responsible for taking care of me. I would never expect that. You should arrange to have your Mom places in a nursing home. All nursing homes are not bad places. I worked in one for over 16 years and our patients were taken care of very well. My job was to develop their careplans. I was very much a hands on Nurse. You need to take care of yourself first.
As octogenarian (in my 80's) I will say this. Old age is a trial! I't easy to become disgruntled because everything that used to be second nature to you becomes difficult...maybe impossible.
Used to move easily from place to place.? Now it's hard to get out of a chair that is too low. And if you do get up, don't try to go after a run-away pet or a child.
Used to drive wherever you wanted/needed to go?. Can't drive now and you no longer have your car. Must arrange transport to doctor, dentist...can't shop at a leisurely pace because someone is waiting.
Used to be able to follow conversations easily and participate. Now you only hear part of what's being said. Hearing aids help but are not perfect. You are sometimes left out of the conversation because, "at your age", you "wouldn't" understand.
Used to sew and mend when needed? Now can't get hold of a needle or guide it.
Used to read easily and often. Print is now too small to read easily. You look for large print. This is just a partial list. I haven't even mentioned PAIN!
Are these excuses for being miserable and hateful? Not at all! These are trials that come with old age. (I'm excluding Alzheimer's) Are there rewards for overcoming or adjusting? MAYBE. If it means your kids/grandkids still like you, be grateful. You are making a successful adjustment, just as you have in other difficult times you've faced as an adult.. Those who were unable to cope with challenges earlier in life may have a very hard time, and yes, make life miserable for others.
And how do you make up for abuse you have heaped on someone during their life? (Not you personally but any older person who has behaved in this way) How do you change and more importantly how do you think they can forgive your behaviour?
I think that old mom's tend to be harsher with their daughters then anyone else.
Whatever it stems from, it is okay for you to tell her to stop, be nice and you can walk aware until she behaves civilized.
I have told both my parents that I expect the same treatment they would give a complete stranger. I don't jump in their faces and I am not going to have them jumping in mine.
If she can't treat you with courtesy and civility then maybe a strange caregiver would be a better solution.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. Doesn't matter that she is your mom, you are an adult and no longer under her authority. You do what you do because you want to, not because she abuses you into it and if that isn't the case, time to step back and reassess the situation. You matter too!
I don't think we change a lot with age in our attitude in all truth. My brother remained kind, organized (even when he was having Lewy's) concerned with others, gentle. I remain more the tough type.
I will say this, the infirmities of age and what we deal with in our daily struggles does NOT become easier with age. If the knee doesn't hurt then the back does. We tend to lose things, from the household keys to our minds and the continence of our bodies. It isn't for sissies, as they say, and I doubt it improves our outlooks. The times they keep a-changin and we find the old world we knew how to negotiate preferrable. We are perhaps depressed by all age gives us and all it takes away.
All of that said, no matter the condition of your elder, don't take abuse.
Good luck!
You don't have to tolerate abuse that endangers you or gets too personal, but if the abuse is an old woman with no filters left raging at the injustices of old age, perhaps compassion is the best response.
Has mom been like this all your life?
Maybe it is time to step back.
She can hire caregivers that can come and do much of what you are doing.
If mom can afford it Assisted Living is a viable option.
If YOU are living with mom the house may have to be sold to pay for some of her care.
If mom is living with YOU then the income she has Social Security, Pension or any other funds should be used to pay for her care.
She should be paying you, she can pay for caregivers, she should be contributing to household expenses. And you discuss with her that if she does not improve her attitude then she will have to find other living arrangements.
Options would be Senior housing, she would have no help other than what she directly pays for.
Assisted Living, there are caregivers on site that will help her with ADL's as well as housecleaning, dining room would provide at least 2 meal a day so she would not have to shop or cook.,
Keep telling yourself, she needs you more than you need her. Look up "gray rock method" and see if this is something you can use on her. Read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Do not play into her abuse. Leave the room.
Do grown up children always need to be their parent's full-time caregiver? No.
Must an adult child give up their own home, job, family, hobbies to ensure their parent continues to live in their own home, just the way they wish? No.
Does being a daughter mean you have to be the caregiver? No.
Are you the only person qualified to be Mother's caregiver? No.
Is it allowed to say no to one's Mother? Yes.
for themselves, seek out assistance from other family members, neighbors,
and professional people who deal with these problems all the time.
"My 89 year mother, who I am caring for alone, is abusive to me".
What can change here?
Mother being 89? No.
Caring for alone? Yes.
Is abusive to me? Maybe. You cannot change Mother's behaviour completely.. but by setting some boundaries, ignoring her rudeness, abuse, bad behaviour & rewarding politeness & good behaviour you may be able to 'train' her somewhat. Eg you can leave the room every single time.
What sort of abuse? Is it verbal? "I don't need you (child) telling me what to do or how to do it?" That *loss of control* type anger spilling out at you?
Report behaviour to her Doctor. It can be *adjustment to aging* issues. A checkup & a good Geriatrician may be needed. A medication review also.
Or is there physical abuse like throwing things, scratching, biting, hitting out?
Violent behaviour may need an inpatient psychiatric review.
What would you like to change?
I found a great nursing home to take over when my mom was discharged from the hospital after another bad fall. Sometimes, the hospital stay and subsequent discharge can be the trigger to getting them into maybe rehab first and then into a long term nursing home care. Just make sure the facility post hospital stay qualifies for both Medicare and Medicaid before picking one. Also, adult Protective Services (APS) or your local area agency on aging can be helpful too with facility placement if she is not safe where she is. With any facilities, just to not agree/sign to take them back much less pay for their care. If you say No to both then the local/state agencies will have to figure out a placement.
Assistive Living can be great if she has the funds for this, but in our area it is about $150K per yer and my mom had no where near this amount. And no, I was not going to pay for it either. Thankfully my mom qualified for Medicaid within a few months given no assets but Medicaid also requires the person to meet the state's "level of care" determination. If dementia is present and there are limitations on ADLs this should not be that hard to meet. If there are lots of assets, make sure you have a POA and just start spending down.
Back to behavior issues, unclear which part of the behavior is just there (my mom was verbally abusive to me my entire life) and which part is dementia. But certainly the dementia adds to behavior issues as they loose any filters that might have been there previously as to what is or is not acceptable behavior.
But as others have said/posted here:
You do NOT need to be your mother's personal punching bag (verbal or otherwise).
You do NOT need to care nor pay for your mother's care by yourself, getting them the care they need but provided by others is still proving care.
You Can and Should set limits, including boundaries on acceptable behavior.
You Can and Should choose to walk away when the boundaries are broken.
You Can and Should say NO when needed, and remember NO is a complete sentence.
You Can and Should find ways to protect yourself. No person -- including one's own mother -- has not right to abuse you verbally or otherwise.
Nowhere is it written that caregivers must be unpaid family members who are constantly in attendance for every whim and wish and complaint and insult that is spoken.
I was living in my own private hell, as are hundreds of others that have neuropathy. I got badly offended when someone used my agitation against me and used it to evaluate my moral character. Because of the ongoing severe discomfort, I was getting mad at inanimate objects that wouldn't cooperate with me more than at people. I would have liked some consideration instead of a judgement and the assumption that I'm belligerent.
During other episodes of illness, I have wanted to get away from people as fast as I could.
These episodes of severe discomfort and illness have taught me to see what old people go through sometimes. A lot of them are in nursing homes or home care where they can't escape from the people they're with.
I have seen people carry on like crooked lawyers to defend them and also scapegoat their victims.
I try not to be pious and politically correct, I make allowances for what people are going through, and I can normally find a lighter side to things even if it's not obvious at first sight; but this time I'm afraid your question is one I just do find extremely offensive. No of course all old people are not miserable and hateful. What are "all" children like, or "all" middle-aged women?
You can't only just have discovered that your mother's treatment of you is unacceptable. Stop seeing her as an old person, start seeing her as a responsible adult, and alter your expectations of both her and yourself. If she won't or you can't improve the relationship, you must find other sources of hands-on care for her. Not an easy job, but one for which, if you need to do it, you will find endless support on this forum.
I have seen it in so many that I grew up with and in moms friends.
Cant put everyone in the same bunch as everyone else.
First off, need a little more info here as to what mom is doing to be abusive?
There are always 3 sides to every story. Yours, there's and the real story.
Every one looks at their predicament differentlyrics.
You are saying your mom is abusive and maybe your mom feels the exact way thinking of how you treat her.
It is very hard to be someone's one and only Caregiver.
It's way to much to put on one person for both the Caregiver and the one being cared for.
Prayers
Are there underlying factors like are memory problems beginning to set in? It would be easier to try and answer with a little more information. God bless you.
What's going on with mom? If it's Alzheimer's, then her brain has changed, and possibly her personality. It could be temporary or permanent.
Is there anyone who can help you? Relieve you? Can you hire someone?
And no, all old people aren't the same. But you knew that.
My narcissistic mother that I have been taking care of for seven years has put my through Hell.
My saving grace has been a video called: 10 tactics to put a narcissist in their place and ten tactics to make a narcissist you. Both are on youtube and you can download them as an mp3 for free (legally ) on 4k video downloader.
I listen to them twice a day to keep them ingrained in my mind.
Now I do not take her crap and my life is greatly improved.
patients were taken care of very well. My job was to develop their careplans. I was very much a hands on Nurse. You need to take care of yourself first.
Old age is a trial! I't easy to become disgruntled because everything that used to be second nature to you becomes difficult...maybe impossible.
Used to move easily from place to place.? Now it's hard to get out of a chair that is too low. And if you do get up, don't try to go after a run-away pet or a child.
Used to drive wherever you wanted/needed to go?. Can't drive now and you no longer have your car. Must arrange transport to doctor, dentist...can't shop at a leisurely pace because someone is waiting.
Used to be able to follow conversations easily and participate. Now you only hear part of what's being said. Hearing aids help but are not perfect.
You are sometimes left out of the conversation because, "at your age", you "wouldn't" understand.
Used to sew and mend when needed? Now can't get hold of a needle or guide it.
Used to read easily and often. Print is now too small to read easily. You look for large print.
This is just a partial list.
I haven't even mentioned PAIN!
Are these excuses for being miserable and hateful? Not at all! These are trials that come with old age. (I'm excluding Alzheimer's) Are there rewards for overcoming or adjusting? MAYBE. If it means your kids/grandkids still like you, be grateful. You are making a successful adjustment, just as you have in other difficult times you've faced as an adult.. Those who were unable to cope with challenges earlier in life may have a very hard time, and yes, make life miserable for others.