"All old people misererable..?" No. Here are some more questions to ask yourself;
Do grown up children always need to be their parent's full-time caregiver? No.
Must an adult child give up their own home, job, family, hobbies to ensure their parent continues to live in their own home, just the way they wish? No.
Does being a daughter mean you have to be the caregiver? No.
Are you the only person qualified to be Mother's caregiver? No.
Great Questions and answers to those you posed. People have to think for themselves, seek out assistance from other family members, neighbors, and professional people who deal with these problems all the time.
As octogenarian (in my 80's) I will say this. Old age is a trial! I't easy to become disgruntled because everything that used to be second nature to you becomes difficult...maybe impossible.
Used to move easily from place to place.? Now it's hard to get out of a chair that is too low. And if you do get up, don't try to go after a run-away pet or a child.
Used to drive wherever you wanted/needed to go?. Can't drive now and you no longer have your car. Must arrange transport to doctor, dentist...can't shop at a leisurely pace because someone is waiting.
Used to be able to follow conversations easily and participate. Now you only hear part of what's being said. Hearing aids help but are not perfect. You are sometimes left out of the conversation because, "at your age", you "wouldn't" understand.
Used to sew and mend when needed? Now can't get hold of a needle or guide it.
Used to read easily and often. Print is now too small to read easily. You look for large print. This is just a partial list. I haven't even mentioned PAIN!
Are these excuses for being miserable and hateful? Not at all! These are trials that come with old age. (I'm excluding Alzheimer's) Are there rewards for overcoming or adjusting? MAYBE. If it means your kids/grandkids still like you, be grateful. You are making a successful adjustment, just as you have in other difficult times you've faced as an adult.. Those who were unable to cope with challenges earlier in life may have a very hard time, and yes, make life miserable for others.
And how do you make up for abuse you have heaped on someone during their life? (Not you personally but any older person who has behaved in this way) How do you change and more importantly how do you think they can forgive your behaviour?
Was she ever any different? If she was once lovely and sweet, then you are likely looking at someone who has descended into dementia of the type that causes this behavior. If she was always this way, well then nothing is changed. I don't think we change a lot with age in our attitude in all truth. My brother remained kind, organized (even when he was having Lewy's) concerned with others, gentle. I remain more the tough type. I will say this, the infirmities of age and what we deal with in our daily struggles does NOT become easier with age. If the knee doesn't hurt then the back does. We tend to lose things, from the household keys to our minds and the continence of our bodies. It isn't for sissies, as they say, and I doubt it improves our outlooks. The times they keep a-changin and we find the old world we knew how to negotiate preferrable. We are perhaps depressed by all age gives us and all it takes away. All of that said, no matter the condition of your elder, don't take abuse.
No, of course all old people aren't miserable & hateful, but many are. Per your profile, your mother has always been this way so as she ages, those ugly character traits tend to magnify. My mother will be 95 next month & dementia has magnified her ugly character traits to the 9th degree, so what I do is I limit my exposure to her. I also let her know that I'm leaving her presence and/or hanging up the phone when she starts up with her ranting. If I were you, I'd hire outside help to come in and care for her so you can back off on the hands on care you're giving her. Let her know, too, that you will be leaving her presence when she gets acting hateful towards you. You're not her punching bag, so let her know it!
I am 88 and live in assisted living and steer clear of everyone. I can't walk but am super high functioning - still work two jobs I love (51 years and 15 years); took six years of on-line college courses - 60 courses); handle all of my own affairs; tend to my hobbies and my kitty and still drive (safely). I despise how my body has destroyed my heart and soul and I am fearful of what is happening but one thing is sure - I AM GOING TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST AND DO WHAT A NORMAL 30 YEAR OLD CAN DO (EXCEPT WALK) AND AGAINST IMPOSSIBLE ODDS I DO SUCCEED. As a result, I can cope; I have an ounce of self-respect left; seek new activities and friendships and anything exciting and fulfilling - if I did not do that, I would put one foot, then two, into the deep hole. I refuse to be a typical, "dead" old senior with nasty attitudes and indifference to living a full life. I don't understand old people who just give up and lie down and wait to die. Many are tired, scared, and have given up and as a result can be nasty - so I just run in another direction. I look at this time as being the end so I want to cram everything possible into my short time left and do good wherever I can (and I do that). Yes, many are old, crabby, nasty, impatient - you can have them. Not me.
And if you have someone in your presence or life who behaves in a negative manner, I would put them in their place and let them know this is unacceptable, no matter what there reason, and it will NOT be tolerated. Remove yourself if they don't stop or place them. Do not ever accept this behavior or abuse from anyone - ever!
You are an adult not Moms child to abuse. I am not passed a little threat. "Mom if you can't treat me with the same respect you expect from me. I refuse to take this abuse anymore. If things don't change, I will leave. When I do I will call APS and they can take over your care and they will put u wherever they see fit"
Keep telling yourself, she needs you more than you need her. Look up "gray rock method" and see if this is something you can use on her. Read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Do not play into her abuse. Leave the room.
I think that old mom's tend to be harsher with their daughters then anyone else.
Whatever it stems from, it is okay for you to tell her to stop, be nice and you can walk aware until she behaves civilized.
I have told both my parents that I expect the same treatment they would give a complete stranger. I don't jump in their faces and I am not going to have them jumping in mine.
If she can't treat you with courtesy and civility then maybe a strange caregiver would be a better solution.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. Doesn't matter that she is your mom, you are an adult and no longer under her authority. You do what you do because you want to, not because she abuses you into it and if that isn't the case, time to step back and reassess the situation. You matter too!
Many old people have brains that are worn out and damaged too. This affects their perception of reality and their judgement. They lose the ability to interact properly with others. Those who show negative social behavior, are not even aware that their behavior is inappropriate. Don't waste your time trying to change them or react defensively. Consider them as impaired sick people and totally ignore their odd behavior. Do not take it personally, like if they were rational, because they are not.
Many can be impossible, mine was. So sorry you are having to deal with this alone. That was my situation as well, only child. I hope you are able to find outside help and maybe a facility to take over.
I found a great nursing home to take over when my mom was discharged from the hospital after another bad fall. Sometimes, the hospital stay and subsequent discharge can be the trigger to getting them into maybe rehab first and then into a long term nursing home care. Just make sure the facility post hospital stay qualifies for both Medicare and Medicaid before picking one. Also, adult Protective Services (APS) or your local area agency on aging can be helpful too with facility placement if she is not safe where she is. With any facilities, just to not agree/sign to take them back much less pay for their care. If you say No to both then the local/state agencies will have to figure out a placement.
Assistive Living can be great if she has the funds for this, but in our area it is about $150K per yer and my mom had no where near this amount. And no, I was not going to pay for it either. Thankfully my mom qualified for Medicaid within a few months given no assets but Medicaid also requires the person to meet the state's "level of care" determination. If dementia is present and there are limitations on ADLs this should not be that hard to meet. If there are lots of assets, make sure you have a POA and just start spending down.
Back to behavior issues, unclear which part of the behavior is just there (my mom was verbally abusive to me my entire life) and which part is dementia. But certainly the dementia adds to behavior issues as they loose any filters that might have been there previously as to what is or is not acceptable behavior.
But as others have said/posted here:
You do NOT need to be your mother's personal punching bag (verbal or otherwise). You do NOT need to care nor pay for your mother's care by yourself, getting them the care they need but provided by others is still proving care. You Can and Should set limits, including boundaries on acceptable behavior. You Can and Should choose to walk away when the boundaries are broken. You Can and Should say NO when needed, and remember NO is a complete sentence. You Can and Should find ways to protect yourself. No person -- including one's own mother -- has not right to abuse you verbally or otherwise.
. Agreed. Finding a setting where she can receive appropriate help with daily living and medications, so she is safe and clean and fed and stays on her medication regimen is what she needs. Nowhere is it written that caregivers must be unpaid family members who are constantly in attendance for every whim and wish and complaint and insult that is spoken.
After being in your situation, I came to the same conclusion. It's horrible to be pushed so much so that we have to believe that. It's somewhat akin to me with pets. I used to love dogs and cats, but now their owners are all so horrible (not picking up their droppings, ignoring leash and other animal related laws, not caring if others might have health or past trauma issues with animals), I've come to hate pet owners too.
I hope you find a way to take care of you. I had to leave and my evil mother has not stopped constant retaliation on me for not giving up my remaining years (as I had the rest of my life) to be her free and abused slave. She's still attempting to kill me and has done everything she can to destroy me. This from a woman in her 90s. It doesn't end. Sending you strength.
To the people who generalize and say "it's not their fault" - wrong. Some of us have an abusive parent who despite their advanced years do NOT have dementia or Alheimers. They are just evil hateful people.
I had a dad that was like that. After my mother died, he really showed his true colors. He spent his last twenty-five years demonizing me. He died in 2014, and left all his bio children $1.00 including his disabled daughter. His wife and her children are still living in the family home that he willed to them. My dad beat my mom. One thing I know for certain, is that abusers do not change. They get worse when they age. If they can't beat you physically, they will pick one person and try to destroy them which is usually the youngest child.
Do grown up children always need to be their parent's full-time caregiver? No.
Must an adult child give up their own home, job, family, hobbies to ensure their parent continues to live in their own home, just the way they wish? No.
Does being a daughter mean you have to be the caregiver? No.
Are you the only person qualified to be Mother's caregiver? No.
Is it allowed to say no to one's Mother? Yes.
for themselves, seek out assistance from other family members, neighbors,
and professional people who deal with these problems all the time.
Old age is a trial! I't easy to become disgruntled because everything that used to be second nature to you becomes difficult...maybe impossible.
Used to move easily from place to place.? Now it's hard to get out of a chair that is too low. And if you do get up, don't try to go after a run-away pet or a child.
Used to drive wherever you wanted/needed to go?. Can't drive now and you no longer have your car. Must arrange transport to doctor, dentist...can't shop at a leisurely pace because someone is waiting.
Used to be able to follow conversations easily and participate. Now you only hear part of what's being said. Hearing aids help but are not perfect.
You are sometimes left out of the conversation because, "at your age", you "wouldn't" understand.
Used to sew and mend when needed? Now can't get hold of a needle or guide it.
Used to read easily and often. Print is now too small to read easily. You look for large print.
This is just a partial list.
I haven't even mentioned PAIN!
Are these excuses for being miserable and hateful? Not at all! These are trials that come with old age. (I'm excluding Alzheimer's) Are there rewards for overcoming or adjusting? MAYBE. If it means your kids/grandkids still like you, be grateful. You are making a successful adjustment, just as you have in other difficult times you've faced as an adult.. Those who were unable to cope with challenges earlier in life may have a very hard time, and yes, make life miserable for others.
I don't think we change a lot with age in our attitude in all truth. My brother remained kind, organized (even when he was having Lewy's) concerned with others, gentle. I remain more the tough type.
I will say this, the infirmities of age and what we deal with in our daily struggles does NOT become easier with age. If the knee doesn't hurt then the back does. We tend to lose things, from the household keys to our minds and the continence of our bodies. It isn't for sissies, as they say, and I doubt it improves our outlooks. The times they keep a-changin and we find the old world we knew how to negotiate preferrable. We are perhaps depressed by all age gives us and all it takes away.
All of that said, no matter the condition of your elder, don't take abuse.
Good luck!
Keep telling yourself, she needs you more than you need her. Look up "gray rock method" and see if this is something you can use on her. Read Boundries by Townsend and Cloud. Do not play into her abuse. Leave the room.
I think that old mom's tend to be harsher with their daughters then anyone else.
Whatever it stems from, it is okay for you to tell her to stop, be nice and you can walk aware until she behaves civilized.
I have told both my parents that I expect the same treatment they would give a complete stranger. I don't jump in their faces and I am not going to have them jumping in mine.
If she can't treat you with courtesy and civility then maybe a strange caregiver would be a better solution.
There is no excuse for abuse, ever. Doesn't matter that she is your mom, you are an adult and no longer under her authority. You do what you do because you want to, not because she abuses you into it and if that isn't the case, time to step back and reassess the situation. You matter too!
I found a great nursing home to take over when my mom was discharged from the hospital after another bad fall. Sometimes, the hospital stay and subsequent discharge can be the trigger to getting them into maybe rehab first and then into a long term nursing home care. Just make sure the facility post hospital stay qualifies for both Medicare and Medicaid before picking one. Also, adult Protective Services (APS) or your local area agency on aging can be helpful too with facility placement if she is not safe where she is. With any facilities, just to not agree/sign to take them back much less pay for their care. If you say No to both then the local/state agencies will have to figure out a placement.
Assistive Living can be great if she has the funds for this, but in our area it is about $150K per yer and my mom had no where near this amount. And no, I was not going to pay for it either. Thankfully my mom qualified for Medicaid within a few months given no assets but Medicaid also requires the person to meet the state's "level of care" determination. If dementia is present and there are limitations on ADLs this should not be that hard to meet. If there are lots of assets, make sure you have a POA and just start spending down.
Back to behavior issues, unclear which part of the behavior is just there (my mom was verbally abusive to me my entire life) and which part is dementia. But certainly the dementia adds to behavior issues as they loose any filters that might have been there previously as to what is or is not acceptable behavior.
But as others have said/posted here:
You do NOT need to be your mother's personal punching bag (verbal or otherwise).
You do NOT need to care nor pay for your mother's care by yourself, getting them the care they need but provided by others is still proving care.
You Can and Should set limits, including boundaries on acceptable behavior.
You Can and Should choose to walk away when the boundaries are broken.
You Can and Should say NO when needed, and remember NO is a complete sentence.
You Can and Should find ways to protect yourself. No person -- including one's own mother -- has not right to abuse you verbally or otherwise.
Nowhere is it written that caregivers must be unpaid family members who are constantly in attendance for every whim and wish and complaint and insult that is spoken.
I hope you find a way to take care of you. I had to leave and my evil mother has not stopped constant retaliation on me for not giving up my remaining years (as I had the rest of my life) to be her free and abused slave. She's still attempting to kill me and has done everything she can to destroy me. This from a woman in her 90s. It doesn't end. Sending you strength.
To the people who generalize and say "it's not their fault" - wrong. Some of us have an abusive parent who despite their advanced years do NOT have dementia or Alheimers. They are just evil hateful people.