Anyone not like themselves after spending time with their elderly parent?

Andrew, I have the greatest sympathy for you. My mother had Borderline Personality disorder and narcissism. She passed last December aged 106 in a nursing home. I did not see her often as the visits stirred up PTSD from childhood. She never considered other - just herself. It is the nature if the mental illness she had.

Please look after yourself. The anger is hurting you. Have you ever seen a therapist? Not because you are the problem, but because she is and it is hurting you. If I have it right you are subsidizing your mother and supporting her to live in her home.. It might be worth your while to talk to your local agency for aging to see if they have any help/ideas for you.You need to plan for your own old age.

Thank you all for answering. I just came back from seeing her. I am so angry right now it is actually scaring me. I have siblings. One does nothing at all. He never has. He's the first born son,very spoiled and selfish. One checks in on her a few times a week, but refuses to help pay her bills or rent because he says she should be in a nursing home and she's selfish for not going. The other one helps, but not consistently. That leaves the rest of the burden on two of us, whi includes paying her bills and filling in for the times when the aide is not there. I guess I'm fuming because the financial burden is really taking its toll, and it wouldn't be so bad if all siblings helped equally.
My mother will ve miserablein a home. She will make sure of it. She
doesn't make the best of a bad situation. She takes every situation where things don't go EXACTLY the way she wants and makes it a crisis of the highest order. I once didn't arrive on time(her time) and she was in hysterics for the rest of the day. It made me angry but also sad. If she's in a nursing home, there is no way they will put up with her OCD demands. It's not possible. She also has severe incontinence from radiation when she had cancer 15 years ago. That on top of her OCD make her go into the bathroom constantly, and use a roll of t.p. in an hour. She goes through paper products, incontinence pads, diapers, disposable wipes and underwear like you wouldn't believe. That alone is a huge expense, along with her rent, food bills, etc.
I want to do what I can to make her remaining years as comfortable as possible, but I feel as if I'm caught in a web of madness. She and my father jad financial problems my entire life which they constantly need bailing out of. They went through probably close to a million dollars and still ended up with nothing.
I'm of two minds. I feel angry because of the pressure and because I feel she just sees me as someone whose sole purpose in life should be to tske care of her. She doesn't seem to care how my life is going, how I will be taken care of in my old age, or if I'm happy. She doesn't even acknowledge my birthday. I always got the impression my entire life that she resented any time I did anything that was part of me having my own life.
The other part of me feels sad and depressed. because I wonder if all this isn't some kind of mental illness she suffers from. and I should be sympathetic.
I am so grateful to you all for
listening and responding. It feels good to rant. I just joined this forum today. because I am feeling so conflicted and alone.

How about cutting back on your visits, let her fend for herself, stop supporting her, she will figure it out once you back off. No one deserves to be abused.

No--after spending time with my elderly parents I like them less and feel better about myself. AlvaDeer's comment hits home.

Yes i relate to how you feel
I also feel like im just a stranger some times when i visit dad. I dont feel any loving feelings coming from him or even coming from me
I feel used and angry
It shouldnt be this way for you or me! The only advice i have for you is realize your mom is under stress and forgive her. Try to bring her something that will give her joy and that just might put a smile on both of your faces !

Thank you for responding. I'm not feeling very rational right now, just burned out. I'll take your word for it.

I would want first to ask if your Mom was just a stellar Mom before all this old-age issue stuff? If she was NOT then there should honestly be no surprise here, and I find that the worst parents create the most guilty children. They raise children who are desperate all their lives, to the end, to hear words of love, acceptance and appreciation. The words they will NEVER hear. And those children beat themselves up for their inadequacies throughout their lives due to not having even had any way to build up self respect and a real value for themselves. Yes, she is putting on the pressure, and if she wins this serious battle for your giving her 24 hour care, moving in with her or she with you, she will make of your life a living hades until one of you passes from this realm. So, here's what you have to do. Just exactly what you ARE doing, except when you leave you have to tell yourself "Number one I feel like crap because I was SCHOOLED at my Mama's knee to believe I AM crap. Number TWO, I feel guilt about being an inadequate human being because I am a GOOD AND DECENT human being; because if I were actually crap and an inadequate human being I wouldn't give a hang about any of this". Then try to get on with your life, and hon, please see to it that this stays your life. When Mom needs more care she needs to go into the kind of care where people get paid to put up with that. She will treat them exactly as she treats you. Or she will treat you exactly as she treats them. Whichever comes first. Wishing you luck and hoping you will update us. Not everything can be fixed. Not all of life is happy. Not everyone is worth our best efforts. Heck, I don't even like myself for writing THIS. But I believe it is true. I do the best I can, and that's what I will do, but I won't be the doormat for anyone. That's because my Mama taught me not to be (hee hee).

Ah, the guilt.....Old folks don’t want any change, if dementia is involved, even slight dementia, the reasoning is just nor there. Our roles have reversed, now youre the adult and mom will have to make some changes she doesn’t want to. She also doesn’t understand the stress she’s putting you through.

My folks were much the same. It took a crisis to force a move to assisted living. Mom was mad, hated me, made me feel like crap. But in hindsight I don’t think she realized what she was doing.

mom died about a year ago. It took me quite awhile to get over my anger and frustration and remember her back in the days when she was a good mom and reasonable person.

Yes, I felt like a different person after visits, dealing with crises and so on. You have to work hard to keep the rational thought in front of the emotional.