Living with my elderly parent has taken its toll on me. I have become a very angry person because of it. Talk therapy does not work for me. I tried prozac and it didn't help either.
You have reached your human limitations. I will bet, if you have a decent therapist that you have been told that. You are not a Saint, but a human being. All the ativan, all the xanax, all the antidepressants in the world will not change what is indeed a fact. You have reached the end of your rope and your mind is trying with all its power to tell you that. You can now go into addiction (doctors give ativan out like candies, or you can try liquor), or you can recognize that Saints end their lives shot full of arrows, and eternity being prayed to for favors. Not a good job description, as I like to say. Please recognize your human limitations, go into survival mode and protect yourself. You owe yourself a life. You owe your parent love; you will continue to provide that when your parent is in placement. I am so sorry for this grief and pain. I hope you will update us. But no one can help you now, but yourself. Certainly meds are not the answer.
I have depression due to being a caregiver for my father. I was on Lexapro and Wellbutrin but the effects tend to wear off and for some reason it made me clench my jaw during sleeping.
I take St. John's Wort 300mg 3 times a day along with Siberian ginseng (Siberian Eleuthero) after reading a medical study that this works as well as the antidepressants. You have to take it at least a month to see effects. It seems to work where I am not so fast to anger and not so sad. It also helps me sleep regularly and have nice dreams. In addition, I also take small breaks to get a manicure or pedicure or go out to my favorite place to eat on bad days. It also helps to talk/vent every once in awhile. Hope this helps.
Thank you everyone for your comments. My mother's wrist is healing and hopefully she will go back to the way she was (which was more independent) as times goes on. Actually she is doing more things on her own now. But I am still hiring an aide (long-term) to come in 3 times a week and will increase the days if I feel it necessary. That should help immensely. However, that does not change my long-standing (now ingrained) anger. Yes, meditation, yoga--which I hate, and all other things are fine and dandy, but I feel I need some medicinal help (probably short-term) to take the edge off and keep me more calm while I work on controlling my impatience and anger through other means.
My father passed away 5 months ago, and I am still (as is she) dealing with that loss. I cry almost daily when I think of him. It is still hard to believe he is gone. He was sick for 5 years, but did well until the last 6 months of his life. I took care of him in those last months and was happy to do so, but it was very stressful and worrisome for me, especially when he was in and out of the hospital. I have had other losses as well (my beloved pet and a long-lost love) so these past few years have been really hard for me. So, with all of it I am sad (at times) and super stressed out. That, is why I want to try meds cuz I just can't do it on my own anymore.
Ugh, the veritable sh*t storm. Although my current one is not as bad, there is one going on for me. As I told my son, the first one hits, okay, regroup, pull up socks make a new plan and move on... then comes the next and the next annnnd the next... it reaches a point where there is no way to regroup, socks have ripped open and no plan will work. SIGH
Rather than spew the details of my storms (this is about you not me), I will only say I feel you, I really do. There is still a wee bit of hope left in me that these storms will pass and I can get past all this. Kind of like the little tiny spark left in the NeverEnding Story when the Nothing destroys everything, and Bastian restores their world with it. In his case it required making wishes. If wishes were horses... yeah, right. In our case, we have to baby that spark and work it back into a nice warming glow and rebuild everything ourselves!
Wishing you all the best and hope that you too can find a safe port out of the storms and rekindle that little spark into a new life.
My Dr. prescribed A low dose of Paxil, it took the edge off and helped me cope better! I love the natural suggestions but sometimes you just need a little extra help!
Before you resort to medications, would you be willing to try non pharmaceutical interventions first? Is your situation such that you can take a break from caregiving? Maybe attend a caregiver support group, a massage, dinner out with friends, coffee? How about setting time apart each day for you and you alone? Depending your financial status, how about a vacation? Anger/ irritability (more so irritability) is one of the symptoms of depression. If you have not had a visit with your primary care physician is in order. Counseling as well. I feel so bad for you. Good luck. One last thought, do you have any family who can assist you and allow you some respite? Facilities also offer respite care but it is an out of pocket expense.
I do get massages and take care of myself. But it is a short-term fix. I could use a month-long vacation and have means to do so, but cannot leave her and there is no one to take care of her. My brother checked out on her about a month ago. I planned a short-term vacation in Sept. but she wasn't too keen on being home alone. I don't feel I have depression, but maybe I do. I was on Prozac and I didn't find much difference, except I slept more. I may try another med and I will tell my doc what I want cuz she doesn't know a whole heck of a lot. I do my own research. Thanks for the suggestions and concern though.
Your only obligation as a caregiver is to ensure your loved one is clean, fed and safe. I've seen elderly people fed, bathed, sitting comfortably in their favorite chair with a blanket, snack, remote, water, etc. and still bi+ching to high heaven, constantly wanting more and more and more attention.
One thing I see live-in family members do for their elderly parent is enable bad behavior to the point of becoming an indentured servant. Sometimes it is a slowly creeping thing, but I've seen it get to the point that the elderly person wants the caregiver to be at their beck and call 24/7, even doing things the elderly person could do for him/herself. Frequently they will have you running your butt off if you let them. Things I witnessed my grandmother say to my mom.
"Stop what you are doing and get me some ice for my water! I only want ONE cube!" "Come scratch my back! I cannot reach it with this back scratcher thing." "Come rub my feet!" "Come sit and talk to me! I'm tired of watching TV. "I want to go to the store with you. I need a few things and I want to get out of this house!" (this usually would involve multiple bathroom stops with adult diaper changes and very often a blowout which would end the entire trip) "When are you going to fix me some lunch?" (asked exactly one hour after eating a large breakfast)
XenaJada, that is a very sad story about your relatives!!!
Why wasn't it that the two parents weren't in a NH? Was it a case of "not a facility for MY parents!"? Or...? And now the cycle is perpetuated.
Meds and therapy and breaks and exercise, etc. all may help, but surely not enough to counteract all the damage done by relentless 24/7 caregiving of an elder with many issues. Changing that situation, either by having the caregiver or the elder(s) move out is often the only thing that will help the situation.
Likely the parents were not in a NH because of promises made to the parents of "We will NEVER put you in a NH!"
The father developed severe dementia, yet his body remained strong and healthy. Every single evening, he would sundown and become VERY combative with the family, fighting with them, punching them, etc.! He frequently escaped during the night. The mother eventually developed dementia as well. Guess what. They finally got sick enough that they ended up in a NH, but only for about a month each before passing.
My parents both in their 80's and still sane and mobile are aware that *Dementia to the point of roaming, combativeness, or slinging and smearing poop everywhere will get them sent to a NH. *Becoming an invalid will get them sent to a NH. *Being in a wheelchair and UNABLE to assist in their own transfer from the WC to a bed or chair will get them sent to a NH.
I do not know HOW in the world some people take care of an elderly parent who is an invalid or who has dementia and stays up screaming or playing in their feces and smearing it all over the house daily. I've read stories here of this very thing. I cannot even comprehend dealing with this every. single. day.
A daily walk in the sunshine does wonders. A "happy light" (google it) in the house can help during depressing winter months. A glass of wine in the evenings. Tempting as it may be, try to stay away from the hard liquor.
At a minimum, you need your own room, painted and decorated your way, as a haven away from the person for whom you are care giving. Sometimes this is difficult to achieve if you live with a parent who HOARDS and whose house is a disaster. If you intend to continue being there, make that sanctuary room happen.
1 - stay away from alcohol hard to do as a caregiver 2 - vitamin c and b 3 - soup and lots of it has a very uplifting effect for me at least 4 - pamper yourself with whatever makes you happy that won’t hurt you 5 - Sometimes the best pill I found is the one my favorite comic/actor took, Robin Williams, the F___itall pill do a google search don’t want to offend anyone here so look it up :)
hope this helps and try to take care of yourself I know it’s hard.
You are an adult and adults sometimes have to make difficult decisions and choices like leaving a bad relationship, quitting a dead-end job, and moving away from their parents. No pill can fix your problem.
At best, a pill is a temporary fix while you get together a real plan for yourself that includes treating yourself with love and kindness and recognizing that you deserve to have a life.
Your situation is unsustainable. If you think the anger is going to get better by popping a pill, you are kidding yourself. First, you take "just one" Xanax. Then two. Eventually, you find yourself needing one every few hours just to get through your day. Does that sound healthy?
I have walked in your shoes. I enabled my in-laws to live alone for years longer than I should have. The more I helped them, the more they "needed" help. Enabling is disabling. I burned out. I got sick. It took me more than one *year* to get my health back. I was angry and no amount of talking helped. This forum - and the good people on it - helped me establish healthy boundaries with my in-laws.
Caregivers often die before the people for whom they are caring die. You matter. You have options.
"Caregivers often die before the people for whom they are caring die." Or very soon after! I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed this.
I have/had relatives who completely burned out taking care of 2 parents who desperately needed to be in a NH.
Very shortly after the deaths of the parents (within months) one daughter died of cancer. Within months of her death, the other developed dementia, which is now severe. Her daughter is now her live-in caregiver, making the same mistake she made with her parents.
I agree with others that medication really isn't the answer. Moving out or moving the person in question out will help, but it will still take time and effort on your part to get beyond the anger. It is normal to have anger, but it is also self-destructive to not deal with it and get beyond it. Anger at whatever the situation is will not change it. Use the energy devoted to the anger on something positive - making a plan, getting out, getting a break. Hopefully moving yourself or her is an option, because it likely won't get better under the circumstances. We don't know what her circumstances are, so it is hard to offer anything more concrete.
If she has no assets or limited funds, but needs help with care, you need to seek help from someone as to how to get her placed somewhere - perhaps her doctor's office can suggest where to start? If she's capable of remaining in her own home, but needs some assistance, then move yourself out and find ways to bring any help she might need to her.
Like lealonnie1, I knew living with my mother was not going to work, for many reasons. I still developed frustration and anger with brothers (didn't help nearly enough with all the other issues, clearing out her place, cleaning it and scheduling or doing repairs, then getting it ready for sale - 1.5 hr drive each way for me, took good part of my time, effort and money for over a year and a half, while managing everything else for her care/finances at the same time - could write a book!
I finally realized that this anger was only hurting me, not them. The only way to deal with my anger at my brothers was to start an email to each, explaining it all in regards to their behavior and lack of help/understanding, modifying it from time to time and then just letting it sit there in the draft folder. It was a catharsis of sorts - let me safely and calmly get it all out and stash it, without the repercussions I knew would follow. These were left there about a year and a half ago.
I still get miffed at YB and his laissez-faire attitude (he thinks because mom is in a facility it is all taken care of, I just write a check!) Have had no contact with OB in over a year (would have been even longer, but had to communicate - text/email only - about how to handle the cap gains we had to report - all funds were put into her trust for her care, but it was reported as cap gains for us.) He physically man-handled me when he was last here, so he is not welcome in my existence or presence! Thankfully he lives 2 days drive away and can't deal with even visiting mom (dementia), so not likely to see him! When I do feel that anger start to boil, I might vent a bit, but kiss them off and move on to other more pleasant things.
Do come back and give what details you can, it might help us provide more guidance. Do come here to vent, it can help. Some therapists haven't experienced any of this first hand, so they really don't understand. It might help to try a different therapist, but do inquire about their qualifications - find one that HAS been on this road!
Many of us here have been in your shoes or at least some very similar shoes and we DO understand!
There's no magic pill for burnout, regardless of the cause. A benzodiazepine can help you sleep at night, but that's not a good long-term solution.
I'd recommend two things. 1. Change your living arrangement. Dealing with elderly parents is tough enough when you don't live with them. But having your own space is critical in keeping your sanity. 2. Do something to take care of yourself. Walk, jog, knit, read, go to a movie, whatever you need to do. Sometimes just a few hours away makes a big difference.
Absolutely. Counseling and anti depressants. Speak to a psychiatrist, perhaps one who specializes in senior depression, and explain your situation. It may take several attempts to find something that works for you, so don’t give up right away. Also immediate help may not happen. And pills definitely won’t change your loved one’s diminishing health, put that and a support group definitely can change how you feel about it. This site is a great source of that support. it’s not like you have to admit that you are having personal or mental problems. Your situation is situational and will pass with your LO’s passing. I don’t mean to sound harsh but our culture really doesn’t have proper ways to discuss dead or anything involved with death. So my apologies there. Good luck and hopefully I can live with my own words.
After a year of taking care of my bed-ridden (paralyzed from stroke) mother at home, while working full-time and attending school full-time, in addition to the months in rehab when I visited daily, and the two years prior that I took her to church, shopping, the doctor, and my son's house every week, today she has been moved to a hospice center. Her request. She didn't feel she was getting enough care and attention at home. I won't argue that, but neither of my local siblings even asked "why is this happening?" or "can we make it better?" And not once did my mother say "this must be hard for you." I pray (apparently not enough), meditate, yoga, and during the summer was able to hike and bike some, when classes were out. The physical activity made a huge difference. What really fueled my rage was feeling like the siblings didn't care about me, especially my brother. No one ever asked about school or my mental health or my life at all. Never even bought me a pizza. I'm so glad it's over, I will sleep in my own bed tonight. I will always hold caregivers in my heart. You all have my respect, even those of you (especially those of you) who are finding it really really difficult and yell and cure and persevere regardless. Please be good to yourselves. Hugs.
Did the therapist ever recommend moving your mother to a place where other people could care for her in 8 hour shifts? You clearly need your own life a part from her.
Lexapro has always worked great for me. However, I am one of those rare people that gains weight even on a small dosage of Lexapro. So my doctor has now prescribed Prozac...again, a small dosage. Everyone is different! I am hoping Prozac works without the side effects I had from Lexapro. Different strokes for different folks! I wish you all the best. Ours is a very hard road. Sometimes we need some extra "help." Find what works for YOU.
I speak from years of experience having been in your shoes. No matter how much of a saint and an angel a caretaker is, they will always be subject to abuse and bad behavior by their "patients", no matter who they are or what the relationship is. It is worse if they are mental - nearly impossible to deal with them. I have learned too late, the hard way, I do not care WHY they do what they do, if they are causing me harm and difficulties and having great negative impacts on my life and my health, there are two options only. One, you get very tough (no more Mr./Mrs. Nice Guy to them). You tell them you will not under any circumstances tolerate what they are doing and saying and they will stop at once. Scare them, do whatever it takes - force them to stop. If they can't or won't, think of YOU first - you deserve that much - find a way to place them so you are not harmed for the rest of your life and have a chance to live in peace. They don't deserve you. Place them - and do it now. If you don't, they will slowly destroy you with guilt, anger, health failures, etc., broken families. Do NOT allow them to get away with it. Pills and counseling are not going to make you feel better if they have this behavior.
Oh I Know just how you feel. I started seeing a psychiatrist6 weeks ago. She comes to the house for 60-90 min every week. Talking has helped and she's found a few issues that I didn't even notice. So that; seeing a shrink Will help. Now, that takes care of some of the mental issues of caregiver burnout but there's the physical aspect that needs addressing. To help with the anger part of it; and I'm pissed at myself for not seeing it sooner; we started to take a 15 min during our session when Mom starts to impose or flip her the bird behind her back. Those weekly walks around the block have turned into an every other day exercise that I do when Mom gets on my last nerve. Now here's what I do to combine both aspects before I go to sleep: music & reading. I love my science fiction and I love the music that has been composed for those type of movies. About an hour before bed, I lay down on the couch, put on my headphones and bring up on YouTube a 45-60 min loop of Astral/Space music and start reading one of my science fiction novels. At the end of that chapter, I drink a bottle of Dream Water, then continue reading. As soon as I start to have trouble holding up the book; I go to bed. It works at least once a week now. I can actually sleep for 4 hours straight and wake up feeling relaxed. Everday is another day to try some new piece of advice you get on here. Some work and some don't but Don't give up. Every little bit helps you and in turn, also helps when you're with your parent by being able to take a little more before it start to get to you. Little steps. GOD Bless You and your family.
There is another relaxing thing to do that my daughter recently shared with me... on Netflix is a music/nature video series called moving art... that's a good way to start before the actual bedtime routine...... on youtube there are also 10 hr reels of different kinds of sounds that may help... for me, it's the outside crickets and frogs nighttime sounds
You need respite care or permanent placement for your parent. You are probably angry b/c you are stuck in this situation. You need to get unstuck. Drugs to calm you down would only be a temporary and superficial solution.
If you are able to get out, look for a Caregiver Support group where you can share your frustrations and anger with others. It is reassuring to find out you are not alone in having these feelings and people in the group might have some good ideas for you.
In the meantime, begin looking right now for Adult Day Care or Short or Long Term placement for your parent. You are not going to be a decent caregiver if you get angrier and angrier.
Ask yourself why you are angry? Is it being on call 24/7? Is it loss of activities with friends without your parent? Do you feel that their life has become more important than your life?
However you answer, it is time to change the scenario. Get more breaks/help or create living spaces and blocks of time so you have "time off." You may find balancing "care time" with more "off time" to nurture yourself will help the anger subside.
There is no shame in placing your parent in AL or a LTC facility. They have 24 hr staff, you don't. Who is going to take care of your parent if you are broken. I'm not going to sugar coat things...the legwork is painful...trying to find the right place and getting all of the finances in order, but your sanity and physical health are priceless. Just do it. Become the daughter again HanaLee and let the professionals do the care giving.
It is time to stop living with your elderly parent when you need to drug yourself just to get through your life. Sorry, but this isn't right, and it won't help. Your body will adjust to the drugs and need more. How can you take care of an elderly person drugged? Anti-depressants aren't working for you and other things will knock you out of commission. Easier said than done, but it is now ruining your mental health and well-being. I would suggest mindfulness training and doing the meditation exercises but how are you to do that when you are working 24/7.
Taking care of someone else is hard work. But it doesn't have to be at the expense of another's person's ability to thrive. There is no easy and quick answer to disciplining ourselves to make time for self-care. Drugs come with side effects. Regular exercise, eating clean, regular meditation, and figuring out what facilitates peace and calm in our minds and bodies is what makes the difference between burnout and thriving. There are other therapies that help with anger management besides talking, especially bodywork, but even a simple regular walk in nature can help burn off resentment and begin to restore adrenal health. It may also help you more creatively problem solve additional help caring for your parent. Best wishes!
CBD oil perhaps? I have friends that take it and sleep great, feel more relaxed and calm. Get away for how ever long you can. And your mom sounds like she might be ready to be moved into a nursing home. Do not feel like you can do it all - and you need some time to live your life and not feel guilty about it.
I'm not sure what you are experiencing but whatever she has - it will only get worse. If she falls then it's a whole new ballgame. I'd start looking now for a place that can take her. Good luck to you!
I use INOSITOL. If you google it, you will find that it is gently and mildly soothing with very few or no side effects. Read the info and advise about dosage. You may need to take several pills to get relief.
I understand that it does not work for everyone, but it is a major help for me.
Please recognize your human limitations, go into survival mode and protect yourself. You owe yourself a life. You owe your parent love; you will continue to provide that when your parent is in placement.
I am so sorry for this grief and pain. I hope you will update us. But no one can help you now, but yourself. Certainly meds are not the answer.
I take St. John's Wort 300mg 3 times a day along with Siberian ginseng (Siberian Eleuthero) after reading a medical study that this works as well as the antidepressants. You have to take it at least a month to see effects. It seems to work where I am not so fast to anger and not so sad. It also helps me sleep regularly and have nice dreams. In addition, I also take small breaks to get a manicure or pedicure or go out to my favorite place to eat on bad days. It also helps to talk/vent every once in awhile. Hope this helps.
My father passed away 5 months ago, and I am still (as is she) dealing with that loss. I cry almost daily when I think of him. It is still hard to believe he is gone. He was sick for 5 years, but did well until the last 6 months of his life. I took care of him in those last months and was happy to do so, but it was very stressful and worrisome for me, especially when he was in and out of the hospital. I have had other losses as well (my beloved pet and a long-lost love) so these past few years have been really hard for me. So, with all of it I am sad (at times) and super stressed out. That, is why I want to try meds cuz I just can't do it on my own anymore.
Rather than spew the details of my storms (this is about you not me), I will only say I feel you, I really do. There is still a wee bit of hope left in me that these storms will pass and I can get past all this. Kind of like the little tiny spark left in the NeverEnding Story when the Nothing destroys everything, and Bastian restores their world with it. In his case it required making wishes. If wishes were horses... yeah, right. In our case, we have to baby that spark and work it back into a nice warming glow and rebuild everything ourselves!
Wishing you all the best and hope that you too can find a safe port out of the storms and rekindle that little spark into a new life.
One thing I see live-in family members do for their elderly parent is enable bad behavior to the point of becoming an indentured servant. Sometimes it is a slowly creeping thing, but I've seen it get to the point that the elderly person wants the caregiver to be at their beck and call 24/7, even doing things the elderly person could do for him/herself. Frequently they will have you running your butt off if you let them. Things I witnessed my grandmother say to my mom.
"Stop what you are doing and get me some ice for my water! I only want ONE cube!"
"Come scratch my back! I cannot reach it with this back scratcher thing."
"Come rub my feet!"
"Come sit and talk to me! I'm tired of watching TV.
"I want to go to the store with you. I need a few things and I want to get out of this house!" (this usually would involve multiple bathroom stops with adult diaper changes and very often a blowout which would end the entire trip)
"When are you going to fix me some lunch?" (asked exactly one hour after eating a large breakfast)
Why wasn't it that the two parents weren't in a NH? Was it a case of "not a facility for MY parents!"? Or...? And now the cycle is perpetuated.
Meds and therapy and breaks and exercise, etc. all may help, but surely not enough to counteract all the damage done by relentless 24/7 caregiving of an elder with many issues. Changing that situation, either by having the caregiver or the elder(s) move out is often the only thing that will help the situation.
The father developed severe dementia, yet his body remained strong and healthy. Every single evening, he would sundown and become VERY combative with the family, fighting with them, punching them, etc.! He frequently escaped during the night. The mother eventually developed dementia as well. Guess what. They finally got sick enough that they ended up in a NH, but only for about a month each before passing.
My parents both in their 80's and still sane and mobile are aware that
*Dementia to the point of roaming, combativeness, or slinging and smearing poop everywhere will get them sent to a NH.
*Becoming an invalid will get them sent to a NH.
*Being in a wheelchair and UNABLE to assist in their own transfer from the WC to a bed or chair will get them sent to a NH.
I do not know HOW in the world some people take care of an elderly parent who is an invalid or who has dementia and stays up screaming or playing in their feces and smearing it all over the house daily. I've read stories here of this very thing. I cannot even comprehend dealing with this every. single. day.
A "happy light" (google it) in the house can help during depressing winter months.
A glass of wine in the evenings. Tempting as it may be, try to stay away from the hard liquor.
At a minimum, you need your own room, painted and decorated your way, as a haven away from the person for whom you are care giving. Sometimes this is difficult to achieve if you live with a parent who HOARDS and whose house is a disaster. If you intend to continue being there, make that sanctuary room happen.
2 - vitamin c and b
3 - soup and lots of it has a very uplifting effect for me at least
4 - pamper yourself with whatever makes you happy that won’t hurt you
5 - Sometimes the best pill I found is the one my favorite comic/actor took, Robin Williams, the F___itall pill do a google search don’t want to offend anyone here so look it up :)
hope this helps and try to take care of yourself I know it’s hard.
At best, a pill is a temporary fix while you get together a real plan for yourself that includes treating yourself with love and kindness and recognizing that you deserve to have a life.
Your situation is unsustainable. If you think the anger is going to get better by popping a pill, you are kidding yourself. First, you take "just one" Xanax. Then two. Eventually, you find yourself needing one every few hours just to get through your day. Does that sound healthy?
I have walked in your shoes. I enabled my in-laws to live alone for years longer than I should have. The more I helped them, the more they "needed" help. Enabling is disabling. I burned out. I got sick. It took me more than one *year* to get my health back. I was angry and no amount of talking helped. This forum - and the good people on it - helped me establish healthy boundaries with my in-laws.
Caregivers often die before the people for whom they are caring die. You matter. You have options.
Or very soon after!
I cannot tell you how many times I have witnessed this.
I have/had relatives who completely burned out taking care of 2 parents who desperately needed to be in a NH.
Very shortly after the deaths of the parents (within months) one daughter died of cancer. Within months of her death, the other developed dementia, which is now severe. Her daughter is now her live-in caregiver, making the same mistake she made with her parents.
If she has no assets or limited funds, but needs help with care, you need to seek help from someone as to how to get her placed somewhere - perhaps her doctor's office can suggest where to start? If she's capable of remaining in her own home, but needs some assistance, then move yourself out and find ways to bring any help she might need to her.
Like lealonnie1, I knew living with my mother was not going to work, for many reasons. I still developed frustration and anger with brothers (didn't help nearly enough with all the other issues, clearing out her place, cleaning it and scheduling or doing repairs, then getting it ready for sale - 1.5 hr drive each way for me, took good part of my time, effort and money for over a year and a half, while managing everything else for her care/finances at the same time - could write a book!
I finally realized that this anger was only hurting me, not them. The only way to deal with my anger at my brothers was to start an email to each, explaining it all in regards to their behavior and lack of help/understanding, modifying it from time to time and then just letting it sit there in the draft folder. It was a catharsis of sorts - let me safely and calmly get it all out and stash it, without the repercussions I knew would follow. These were left there about a year and a half ago.
I still get miffed at YB and his laissez-faire attitude (he thinks because mom is in a facility it is all taken care of, I just write a check!) Have had no contact with OB in over a year (would have been even longer, but had to communicate - text/email only - about how to handle the cap gains we had to report - all funds were put into her trust for her care, but it was reported as cap gains for us.) He physically man-handled me when he was last here, so he is not welcome in my existence or presence! Thankfully he lives 2 days drive away and can't deal with even visiting mom (dementia), so not likely to see him! When I do feel that anger start to boil, I might vent a bit, but kiss them off and move on to other more pleasant things.
Do come back and give what details you can, it might help us provide more guidance.
Do come here to vent, it can help.
Some therapists haven't experienced any of this first hand, so they really don't understand. It might help to try a different therapist, but do inquire about their qualifications - find one that HAS been on this road!
Many of us here have been in your shoes or at least some very similar shoes and we DO understand!
I'd recommend two things. 1. Change your living arrangement. Dealing with elderly parents is tough enough when you don't live with them. But having your own space is critical in keeping your sanity. 2. Do something to take care of yourself. Walk, jog, knit, read, go to a movie, whatever you need to do. Sometimes just a few hours away makes a big difference.
it’s not like you have to admit that you are having personal or mental problems. Your situation is situational and will pass with your LO’s passing. I don’t mean to sound harsh but our culture really doesn’t have proper ways to discuss dead or anything involved with death. So my apologies there.
Good luck and hopefully I can live with my own words.
What is Ashwahgandha??? How has that helped you..physically or mentally or both.
If you are able to get out, look for a Caregiver Support group where you can share your frustrations and anger with others. It is reassuring to find out you are not alone in having these feelings and people in the group might have some good ideas for you.
In the meantime, begin looking right now for Adult Day Care or Short or Long Term placement for your parent. You are not going to be a decent caregiver if you get angrier and angrier.
However you answer, it is time to change the scenario. Get more breaks/help or create living spaces and blocks of time so you have "time off." You may find balancing "care time" with more "off time" to nurture yourself will help the anger subside.
I'm not sure what you are experiencing but whatever she has - it will only get worse. If she falls then it's a whole new ballgame. I'd start looking now for a place that can take her. Good luck to you!
I understand that it does not work for everyone, but it is a major help for me.
Thinking of you.......